Season Preview: Colorado Rockies

quang: last year, the rockies were one of the biggest surprises of the mlb season as they caught fire down the stretch and won 21 of their final 22 games en route to the world series. if the rockies were party planners, they would have thrown me the biggest most extravagant surprise birthday of all time. of course, once colorado got to the world series the red sox swept them back out. this means, if the rockies were party planners, they would have thrown me the biggest most extravagant surprise party of all time and the red sox would have told me about it three days before. those jerks. this upcoming season, the rockies return almost the same team as last year. this means if everything goes to plan, the rockies could be one of the top teams in the league, we'll have to endure another rocktober, and someone's finally going to throw me a surprise birthday party.

this is the first time in nearly a decade that colorado begins the season with a player other than todd helton as its face. that honor goes to matt holliday who is an coming off an mvp-caliber season. he is surrounded by so many potent hitters that critics have often referred to the rockies as an american league lineup. i'm not completely sure what this means but it seems like an american league lineup is one that is good. either way, including helton and holiday, colorado trots out brad hawpe, willy taveras, troy tulowitzki, and garrett atkins. hawpe is a solid outfielder and taveras is a decent table setter. tulo is coming off of a should be rookie of the year season and is already the best defensive shortstop in the national league. while garrett atkins is trying to decide which of the last two seasons he is more like. most impressively, even with these big bats, colorado was the best defensive team. more impressive would be if they took at bats while wearing fielding gloves.

the pitching staff is what i think will be the biggest question mark, which isn't really going out a limb when aaron cook and kip wells are two cogs in the rotation. other than that, jeff francis isn't a very intimidating ace and though ubaldo jiminez was good late in the season, i don't think the rockies can realistically expect much more than a back end starter right now. the bullpen is a little more solid considering how good corpas last year and how good brian fuentes had been before then. overall, i think the rockies are just as good as they were last year, but unfortunately i'm not sure that'll be enough because the rest of the west has improved. a division championship is certainly within grasp, but i'm predicting that they'll fight over the wild card throughout the season because of their pitching. but considering how well that went for them last year, i'm sure they'll be more than satisfied. and hopefully this means my surprise party has a moon bounce.

joe: It was kind of hard to not land squarely on the Colorado Rockies bandwagon last season as they made their completely unexpected run all the way to the NLCS. The run was wrought with clutch performances, emergent stars and poor umpiring but when all was said and done, the rockies provided us with ample excitement in a National League that everyone seems to think plays second fiddle to the American League. During the 2007 Rockies miracle season, the eventual World Champion Red Sox lost 2 of three and the perennial favorite Yankees got swept on their nightmare trips to Coors Field. Since I hardly ever watched a Rockies game with any interest prior to late last year, I had a hard time distinguishing between their power core of Matt Holliday, Garrett Atkins and Brad Hawpe. When you add in Todd Helton, Troy Tulowitzki, Ryan Spilborghs and Jeff Baker to the mix you would think that Jackie Robinson didn't exist.

Even though Matt Holiday has still not crossed the plate during the one game playoff against the Padres, the Rockies playoff success has placed them squarely back into the conversation for top honors in the National League West. It's very hard to imagine that a pitching staff consisting of Jeff Francis, Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez and Jason Hirsch will have enough fire power to turn in a repeat performance. Francis' breakout' 2007 consisted of an underwhelming mid- four ERA and his compatriots in the starting rotation all pitched similarly mediocre. The amazing thing is that this mediocre baseline was much more than the Rockies could have hoped for, these guys had to pitch way over their heads just to be considered mediocre. Manny Corpas enjoyed a break-out season from the bullpen and has proven to be dependable when his team needs him to protect a lead. If he falters, Brian Fuentes is capable to fill the position.

Troy Tulowitzki made a strong case for rookie of the year in 2007 eventually losing out to a slightly more deserving Ryan Braun. Tulowitzki is one of the new breed, "big" shortstops that have the build of a third basemen that could put a charge into a ball at any point but are still agile enough to make amazing plays in the field. In fact he took the number of his idol, Derek Jeter and looked as if he was going to pull out a Derek Jeter baseball card and a sharpie from his back pocket when the Yankees came to town. I expect Tulowitzki to continue what he started last year, as he seems to be very patient hitter who will not be prone to long-term slumps, and the fact that he takes a genuine joy in displaying his defensive abilities will keep his head in the game if he does encounter any struggles at the plate.

unsung hero:

• ian stewart (q)
• ryan spilborghs (j)
• aaron cook (d)

achilles heel:

• aaron cook (q)
• willy taveras (j)
• willy taveras (d)

favorite moment:

• Josh Fogg earns the nickname "Dragon Slayer" for winning a bunch of games against good pitchers. Then in his first game against the Red Sox he earns the nickname "Slaying Over His Head". (q)
• quang makes a reference to the motion picture Norbit every time Yorvit Torrealba's name is mentioned (j)
• Colorado sweeps the Phillies in the NLDS.

bold prediction:

• Troy Tulowitzki improves his range as a shortstop to the outfield and finishes the season with 189 errors. (q)
• because they feel they don't have to, the delusional rockies dont ever touch home plate and score zero runs. (j)
• Fresh off their Rocktober success, Colorado renames months “sedimentary September”, “metamorphic May”, and “igneous August”. (d)

Clemens Party Pitchers!

i know i'm horribly late on this, put i couldn't pass up another chance to talk about the hilarious misadventures of roger clemens. like most of you know, one of the many interesting sub-plots of the clemens-mcnamee saga revolves around an alleged party at jose canseco's house. well, the party itself wasn't alleged, by all accounts it took place and by some accounts it was "...awesome, bro!! wooo!!". however, what was alleged was roger clemens' attendance at said party. brian mcnamee claims that clemens was there, clemens claims he wasn't. clemens' nanny may have been chasing around kids if you believe mcnamee, or she may have been at home if you prep her before she testifies. anyways, the back and forth continued with seemingly no end in sight as if this were an episode of "my super sweet 16". last weekend however, reports surfaced that pictures of roger clemens at jose canseco's miami house party possibly exist. i thought that this was terrific news and i immediately sought out to find this evidence. and thanks to my endless supply of resources, i've been able to successfully track down these exclusive pictures. here they are in all their perjury.

things got off to a rather innocent start. looks like all that batting practice roger clemens put in is finally paying off. also paying off: a piñata filled with hundreds of syringes.

here's a picture of roger hanging out in the shriveled pall pit. nothing about this picture makes sense. why is this ball pit so deep? why is roger clemens' face so pained? whose kids are these?

not even baseball's second most prolific strikeout pitcher can say no to a theme party. here's roger with some friends in togas. other theme parties that i'm sure roger clemens frequents include 80's parties, where he wears a red sox hat and fewer pimples on his back, and republican parties, where republican senators fall in love with him and grill brian mcnamee.

if there's one person who parties hardier than jose canseco and roger clemens it's probably nintendo's prodigal son, mario mario. this is like mario's eighth party in 10 years! of course, i bet this was the only party mario's been to where princess toad compared her boob job to debbie clemens'.

apparently one of the perks of being a rich baseball player is that you own a big enough house to put a chuck e. cheese's in it. speaking of which, it's time congress opens up an investigation on this charles cheese and examines the root of his unusual continued success. the average mouse lives about one-to-two years, is measured by length in inches, and does not have a middle name. charles entertainment cheese turns 31 this year and is enormous.

as the old adage sometimes goes, you've got to fight for your right to party. and besides, what's party without random acts of rebellion against great britain? here's clemens and a few friends throwing bats and boxes of tea overboard just to show their british oppressors what they think of those darn stamp and townshend acts. take that, the queen of england.

so there you have it. feel free to draw your own conclusions, especially if the actual pictures ever emerge. personally, i don't think these or the real photos will unequivocally prove that jose canseco supplied clemens with steroids or anything else. but it will prove that roger clemens was not out golfing at the time of the party like he'd have you believe and was instead enjoying what appears to be the most fun party i've ever seen in my life.

The 2003 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition*

this weekend we were inundated with all sorts of new information regarding roger clemens performance enhancing allegations. i know we've been talking about clemens a lot recently, so i won't go over all these new wrinkles. instead, i'll just touch on the newest wrinkle that i found most interesting. specifically, the wrinkle concerning roger clemens' wife not wanting wrinkles. on friday, brian mcnamee told investigators that he injected debbie clemens with hgh before the 2003 sports illustrated photo shoot. not only does this mean that the 2003 si swimsuit edition should be branded with an asterisk forever, it means that in my mind, brian mcnamee has already sewn up the title of most hilarious person of 2008.

i'll readily admit that the benefits of hgh kind of escape me as it pertains to athletes. but as it pertains the non-athlete wives of athletes, it has escaped me and then started a new life in cabo as "sterling van buren" the inventor of thumb tacks. hopefully this doesn't come off as sexist but, why is it at all useful for women to take hgh before they parade around in bikinis? i'd understand steroid use if debbie had a pair of testicles that she needed to shrink before wearing a revelaing bathing suit, but as far as hgh, i'm completely ignorant. what does hgh do that breast augmentation, liposuction, or even air brushing does not? this isn't to say that i don't believe brian mcnamee. because i do for two reasons. one, because this would be a very weird thing to make up, and two, because i'd much rather believe a mcnamee than a clemens. it just seems to me that debbie clemens thinks hgh is some sort of all powerful flintstones vitamin that will let you live forever. and i doubt brian mcnamee injected her before having the following conversation.

debbie clemens: brian, i have a photo shoot tomorrow, inject me with hgh.
brian mcnamee: uh mrs. clemens, i don't think you understand what hgh does.
debbie clemens: listen, does my husband pay you to think or to poke things in butts?
brian mcnamee: (sigh) ...poke things in butts.
debbie clemens: then shut up and inject me with hgh you nitwit.
brian mcnamee: ...you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: what did you just say?
brian mcnamee: i said, you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: thank you brian, i have lost weight!

i'd apologize for talking about roger clemens so much recently, but frankly i'm not sorry. everyday this story finds a way to top itself. and now with this revelation that debbie clemens used hgh too, i just don't know if there's an end in sight. tomorrow we could find out that the clemens' family dog was a cat before mcnamee injected it with hgh or that koby clemens, roger's eldest son, is actually just a big syringe and i wouldn't be the least bit surprised. but if there is a positive that can come out of this bizarre report, it's that perhaps women who feel pressured by hollywood to look a certain way will eschew eating disorders and just order hgh. then when i open my hgh mart, the hgh will fly off the shelves and i'll meet girls with low self esteem. we all win!

Rocket in an Blue Dress

I remember sitting in the computer lab of my highschool fervently trying to obtain a copy of Kenneth Star's report that outlaid the sexual misconduct of former President Bill Clinton and one Monica Lewinsky. Why the enthusiasm you ask? Because me and my friends are perverts, and you don’t get lurid tales of oral sex, cigar deviancy and inappropriately stained blue dressess in Catholic-school text-books. Anyway, the story of the blue dress complete with the official presidential seal was always my favorite; what kind of creep would you have to be to save such a "souvenir" for over two years? While I respect Ms. Lewinsky for turning her and Bill's clumsiness into fame, you can’t blame me for placing her directly into the starting lineup of the All-Weirdo team.

Well move over Ms. Lewinsky because Brian McNamee has just out-creeped you. Reportedly, Mr. McNamee's defense team has turned over to Congressional court used syringes and gauze pads that McNamee says were part of the steroid and human-growth-hormone treatments that he administered to Roger Clemens. The source says that the materials were from 2000 and 2001 and contain Clemens' DNA. While I am in favor of anything that sullies the career of Roger Clemens, I cant get over the fact that any sane person would save such items without some kind of pre-meditated strategy to either set Clemens up, or to wait for the technology to arise that will enable him to create an army of cloned Roger Clemenses (in which case I hope the technology arises the day after I perish, and not a day sooner). The man saved used, bloody, gauze for 8 years!! Where do you keep something for 8 years? Does he have a refrigerator filled with other weird and disgusting stuff? Andy Pettite’s snot rockets, a 2000 Yankees "championship" hair doll, Derek Jeter's herpes medicine? Makes you wonder, was Chuck Knoblaucks confidence and career ruined because every time he tried to throw to first he was thinking about why his tobacco spitoon kept disappearing? All I know is that if I'm Roger Clemens, I'm coming clean, and quick, because you never know if Brian will open up a whole new can of worms when he pulls a Lewinsky and unearths some sort of "rocket-fuel" stained garment he's been saving for a rainy day. A gross can of worms indeed.

The Johan Santana Clause

if we ran a legitimate website, the above graphic is what would have been used to announce the johan santana trade. but since we don't, i guess it's going to waste. anyways, since the johan santana deal is finally complete, i thought now would be a good time to finally discuss it especially since i've had a few days to let the trade sink in. unfortunately, one of the drawbacks of letting things sink in because you're actually just too lazy to write about it then is that everyone has said what you want to say before you can. there aren't too many novel ways to talk about how much i like this trade for the mets and how glad i am that the white sox won't face santana more than once every few years. so i've decided that instead of talking about the trade itself, i'm going to talk about the clever headlines and graphics that other websites came up with to announce it.

cbs sportsline:

if cbs thinks they can fool me by shameless promoting one of their most popular shows into the news, they have another thing coming. and that thing is outrage. i don't care that the headline fits almost perfectly or that even that king of queens isn't on tv any more, it's completely unethical. the only way this could have made me more angry was if it cbs had used "how i mets your-han santana" or "new york adventures of old johan santana" or "new king of queens to the mets, and also to dvd shelves at your local best buy".

cnnsi:

as the definitive sports magazine, i guess sports illustrated doesn't think they need to sensationalize their news by using puns or even alitteration in its headlines to draw viewers. they are more than content to just let the news speak for itself. which is strange considering if news actually spoke for itself, we wouldn't need the emotionless robots at sports illustrated at all.

espn:

i think this headline works because it's very simple and seems to get the point across in not so many words. which is the opposite of how i usually operate.

fox sports:

surprisingly, fox didn't go the cbs route by trying to inject advertisements for their shows into my news. good for them. as a reward for displaying such admirable integrity, johan santana should go on "the moment of truth" so fox's integrity level returns to normal.

major league baseball:

bud selig runs a pretty tight ship, so it's understandable that the new york mets mlb website's take on this trade is very plain. bonus points for being the only headline i came across that described johan as an ace. unfortunately, this exercise does not involve any points whatsoever.

the new york times:

this was by far the most confusing headline for me to read. why did they feel the need to clarify that the pitching prize was johan santana, especially if they had an accompanying picture? it seems unnecessary and redundant.

the sporting news:

i like this headline because instead of talking about how well the mets did, they admonish the twins for getting such a poor return. i also like it because it read like a public service announcement along the lines of "crime doesn't pay" and "only you can prevent forest fires". if it was "patience doesn't pay... and knowing is half the battle" this would have easily been my favorite.

yahoo! sports:

amazin' imitation would have been just as appropriate. truthfully, i have no idea who among yahoo! or espn published their amazin'-related headline first, so it's hard to know which company has a spy in the other.

Erich from CT: Dumb

well i thought sportsnation had learned its lesson, but i was wrong. because instead of asking thoughtful questions to elicit intelligent discussion during espn chats, they would apparently rather pose horribly inane questions while spewing anti-frank thomas propaganda. the latest example was the following exchange taken from keith law's most recent chat.
erich from connecticut, why don't you en-rich your life by spending the rest of it living in a cave? seriously, the only scenario where frank thomas gets his at bats cut back is if pitchers finally realize they are statistically better off walking him every plate appearance and then balking three times to let him score rather then letting him score via colossal home runs that poke holes in our ozone layer. and if that first insinuation weren't enough, to suggest the league's best player wouldn't be welcomed back on any team makes me want to run around a pool holding scissors in both hands. but since that wouldn't accomplish anything, i came up with a response that also accomplishes nothing, but doesn't result in lifeguards pulling my bloodied body out from the deep end.
in conclusion, frank thomas is the greatest. also, erich from connecticut, your dumb. not my dumb, your dumb.

MLB Haul of Fame

the results of the most recent hall of fame voting were released earlier today with reliever goose gossage the only player who earned an induction. like always, there were quite a few notable players who were not elected. jim rice fell 16 votes short in his second to last year of eligibility. andre dawson and bert blyleven also received a healthy share of votes but ultimately missed the cut. mark mcgwire's stay in baseball purgatory is extended thanks in part to steroid use and not being here to talk about the past. and in his first year of candidacy, tim raines only gained a quarter of the votes. i don't have any vested interest in any of the other players but as a huge fan of tim raines and fair weather fan of crack, i'm hopeful he eventually gets in.

anyways, i enjoy baseball hall of fame voting because it always elicits spirited debate, prolonged arguments, and some good old-fashioned outrage. since i desperately strive to fit in, i found two things particularly distressing about this year's hall of fame voting. first, frank thomas conspicuously did not receive a single vote. and second, chuck knoblauch received a single vote. since frank thomas is still an active player, i can excuse those voters who decided not to bend the rules even for humanity's greatest baseball player. although i'm sure cooperstown would have let it slide this one time, i understand. however, the lone voter who cast a hall of fame vote for chuck knoblauch will receive no such empathy. but instead of complaining further about this farce, i decided to wait until this voter had a chance to explain themself. as such, i sent an email politely asking for the reasoning they used and the following was their insightful response.


all right, this is obviously not a real letter. i actually have no idea who voted for chuck knoblauch, but i assume it was someone who mistakenly thought it was a ballot for the 1991 american league rookie of the year and not the baseball hall of fame. because otherwise, it just makes no sense. at best, chuck knoblauch was an average baseball player over his career. and according to both the mitchell report and jason grimsley, he cheated just to be average. and despite this, somewhere there is a card carrying member of the baseball writers association of america running and writing amok who legitimately thinks chuck knoblauch is a hall of famer. unfortunately, we'll probably never know who cast this vote or what warped logic was behind it. maybe it's for the best. well, it's for the best if you like amok being run and written. i do not.

Marques from Utica, NY: The Anti-Right

well marques from utica, ny, you should be happy to hear that this weekend i not only finally found enough uninterrupted free time to find a picture of you thanks to a google image search for "marques utica ny", but i also got a chance to sit down and enjoy my copy of the mitchell report. and interestingly, as i read through it i couldn't help but notice that, despite what you suggested last week, frank thomas wasn't the player who was hurt most by the report. it doesn't even seem like frank thomas was hurt by the report at all. in fact, he was only mentioned three times in the entire document, once when he was quoted as saying that he'd "love to see testing" and two other times in reference to his helpful and informative comments. since this is infinity times more helpful and informative comments than you provided george mitchell, i think we can safely say that your hateful smear campaign against frank thomas has fallen flat on its face. the only way i could be more pleased with this is if the mitchell report is revised so that the following images are included in a new section of the report: "appendix e: pictures of marques from utica, ny being dumb".

figure 1. marques from utica, ny at blue jays batting practice

figure 2. marques from utica, ny having a picnic

figure 3. marques from utica, ny making pastries

hopefully, marques from utica, ny, you've learned a valuable lesson from this embarrassing episode and realize the consequences of making such irresponsible and inaccurate allegations. perhaps this can serve as a reminder to all future espn sportsnation chatters, and humans in general, that frank thomas didn't need the help of performance enhancing drugs to become the best baseball player in history taller than zero inches. or at least a reminder that frank thomas has weird fans.

Marques from Utica, NY: I Hate You

i was reading rob neyer's espn chat this afternoon and i came across this question and answer that, as a tremendous frank thomas fan, i found particularly infuriating.

um, first of all, marques from utica, frank thomas doesn't take performance enhancing drugs, performance enhancing drugs take frank thomas. and the only chance frank thomas has of getting hurt by the mitchell report is if someone leaves it lying around and frank thomas trips over it and stubs his toe. to even suggest that he could be implicated in this or any other report that wasn't written by me in fifth grade is both hog-wash and balderdash. as such, here's what i think would be a more appropriate response to this ridiculous assertion.

seriously though, if anything, frank thomas stands to gain the most from this report. because once this list comes out, everyone is going to realize that in spite of these numerous artificially inseminated players, frank thomas still became baseball's greatest player ever, living or dead or undead.

anyways, by this time tomorrow, i expect this matter will be put to bed after we have all gone over the mitchell report. frank thomas will be exonerated of any wrongdoing in the court of marques from utica ny's opinion and i will be first in line at george mitchell's book signing. then instead of reading chats where someone insinuates that frank thomas may have cheated, i'll read chats where there is an intelligent discussion about things like whether frank thomas should be admitted into the hall of fame tonight or tomorrow night or if we should put an asterisk next to frank thomas' name in the record books for the 400 additional home runs he would have hit if other players weren't on steroids.

Buy One, Get One Free

when i found out today that the white sox acquired carlos quentin from arizona, i clapped loudly and screamed "yes! carlos quentin!" my boss came over to see what the commotion was about, and i quickly told him "oh, uh... nothing. i just really love work!" he was as glad to hear that as i was glad to see that the white sox traded for an outfielder that wasn't darrin erstad. we both win! anyways, last year, it became apparent that quentin was the odd man out among a talented diamondbacks outfield featuring justin upton, the next ken griffey jr, chris b. young, the next eric b. davis, and eric brynes, the next baseball player who tries too hard. at the time, i thought arizona would be better off with carlos quentin than eric byrnes roaming their outfield for the next several years, but eric byrnes proved to be the engine behind their surprising playoff berth and the arizona decision makers were inclined to keep him. and upon hearing about byrnes' contract extension i was openly hoping that the white sox could steal away quentin, who was only a year ago very highly ranked. and to my surprise, that's exactly what they did.

more to the point, not fifteen minutes ago, i was just about to excitedly order a new carlos quentin white sox jersey and then send carlos quentin an e-vite to a pizza party at my place to celebrate this great news. unfortunately, in the process of figuring out how i could get carlos quentin's email address, i came across another piece of newer and more distressing news: the marlins traded miguel cabrera and dontrelle willis to the detroit tigers for cameron maybin, andrew miller, and assorted other prospects. my cheerful mood had been replaced with a more sour disposition as my least favorite team acquired the best young hitter in the league. and now after spending the last five minutes fruitlessly looking for ivan rodriguez's email address so i can send him an e-vite to a party where we throw eggs at him, i'm left to stew alone about this horrific turn of events.

last year, the tigers were already a pain to pitch against with brandon inge and sean casey taking their hacks. those two have been effectively replaced by miguel cabrera and edgar renteria, and now detroit's lineup looks absolutely fearsome. the white sox's only hope next year is that along with his bat, miguel cabrera brings his poor eating habits with him to detroit. but based on initial reports, this seems unlikely. i guess those of us looking for a silver lining can point to the fact that the tigers had to give up king's ransom in prospects to acquire these two. maybin has been talked about endlessly for years now and andrew miller is also highly regarded. also, even though i am a big fan of dontrelle willis, he is coming off of his worst major league season and could face a rough transition into the superior american league. and let's not forget that it is the white sox and not the tigers who traded for carlos quentin, who i expect in this upcoming season will pass hank aaron's career home run total while saving kittens from trees in his spare time. so take that.

in summary, whenever you get an incredible talent like miguel cabrera in exchange for several players who were not guaranteed to start next year, your team has significantly improved. therefore, i think it's obvious that the winner of this blockbuster tigers-marlins trade is me. because after ozzie guillen tampers and meddles such that his long-time friend and countryman, miguel cabrera, is on the white sox at the beginning of the season, i am throwing an epic pizza party and you're all e-vited.

MLB Jump Offseason

the baseball offseason is barely a week old and it seems like there are already countless hot topics, burning questions, and pitching coaches actually on fire running around the league. how the upcoming baseball season is shaped depends greatly on how these topics are addressed, how these questions are answered, and how quickly these pitching coaches stopped, dropped, and rolled. so here is my take on the most pressing issues along with my prediction for what happens.

1. why on earth are there so many meetings?

today is the last day of the general managers' meetings in orlando. according to this calendar, next week the owners meet in naples, florida and in december, baseball holds its winter meetings in nashville. what do these meetings accomplish that couldn't be accomplished in one meeting or even a conference call? why do the owners need to meet separately? do they even talk about anything or is it just a big slumber party? it seems to me like all these meetings are just part of aan elaborate hoax so that owners can stay up late gossiping and braiding each other's hair while their general managers go hang out at disney world.

prediction: during the owners meetings, george steinbrenner wears bright read pajamas with a butt flap. it's gross.


2. what do the twins do with johan santana?

last season, a frustrated santana voiced his displeasure with the direction of the team. plainly, he told reporters that "it doesn't make any sense for me to be here." this season is his last under contract and twins are faced with a number of options. obviously, they are a better team with santana pitching every fifth day. though, i'd argue that they'd be a much better team with santana pitching every weekday. but that's besides the point, because the question is not should they re-sign him but if they can re-sign him. the twins are very budget-conscious and the going rate for belly-itchers is growing each year. if they decide that they can't re-sign santana then they have to ask whether they should play out the year and risk losing him for nothing, like they did with torii hunter, or trade santana and lose him for risky prospects. it's a tough situation for new twins manager bill smith not only because the twins' immediate future rests largely on this decision but also because bill smith is an extremely boring name.

prediction: the twins pay whatever it costs to re-sign santana and bill smith changes his name to pterodactyl nunchucks.


3. who is going to get miguel cabrera?

the marlins have made very clear that miguel cabrera is on the market and are seeking trade partners. it's hard to understand why florida thinks getting rid of one of the five best hitters in the league is a good idea. yes, his work ethic has been questioned, but i see that as a positive. one, he's currently one of the five best hitters in the league and he doesn't even try and two, if he keeps getting fatter then you'll have two of the five best hitters in the league. it just doesn't make much sense to me. but what do i know? the marlins have won two world series in the last ten years and i haven't come close to winning one yet. so instead of questioning their logic, let's look at their potential trade partners.

like always, the yankees are first in line. between phil hughes, joba chamberlain, and ian kennedy, they have a slew of young arms that they can offer the marlins. unfortunately, the marlins are asking for the entire slew while the yankees have said they are willing to part with only one of the three. the dodgers also could have interest even though they have another young third baseman in andy laroche. they have the prospects the marlins are looking for but again the only question is whether they are willing to part with them. the angels are in a similar position, but have long been afraid to trade potential for production. last up are the beloved white sox, whose manager is a native venezuelan and has been friends with cabrera throughout his young career. they probably can't match the overall talent that other teams have to offer, but maybe ozzie guillen can curse at the marlins so much that they have no choice. whatever happens, the price for cabrera will be steep but i expect it will be worth it.

prediction: the white sox trade their only talented prospects to the marlins for miguel cabrera. miguel cabrera then enjoys a season where he hits 65 home runs and plays each game with a deep dish pizza under his hat.


4. where is alex rodriguez going to sign?

a-rod opted out of his yankees contract because he thinks he deserves a $350 million contract which pays him over $30 million a year to play baseball. an athlete signing a $350 million contract is unprecedented and hard for me to comprehend. even moreso when you consider that even though waterworld was awful it still only cost $175 million. a-rod is looking for twice that. and in what non-waterworld is it possible for someone to justify paying a-rod two waterworlds? but appropriately, major league baseball, like waterworld, operates in a fantasy realm where money is lavishly spent without buyer's remorse. someone is going to write a-rod a fat check, the only question is who. there are only a few teams with deep enough pockets to even speak with rodriguez. though the team with the deepest pockets. the yankees, seems unlikely to be roped into this game. that leaves the red sox, angels, dodgers, giants, cubs, mets, and the san diego owls, the baseball team that plays in the city i made in simcity. we have unlimited resources because i found a code that gives you more money. we're also planning on building a new stadium because the old one kept experiencing brownouts. what a city.

prediction: the angels sign a-rod and i spent the rest of his career calling him "waterworld 2".


5. how is instant replay going to be implemented?

i didn't feel strongly one way or another about instant replay. of course it's important to get the calls right, but is it worth the cost of losing the emotion of the game? are walk off home runs going to be as exciting if they have to make sure it was the right call? but like most things, there is the good and the bad. and i assume general managers have decided they'd rather get the calls correct as opposed to just chalking mistakes up as "part of the game" because they've voted in favor of instant replay. nothing is set in stone yet, but it seems that beginning next year, things like home run calls will be replayed. whether that is all instant replay is limited to or other specifics like how many challenges each team can get or who initiates these challenges is still up in the air. my suggestion: replay everything. every play at the plate, every sliding catch, every normal catch, every strike, every ball. everything. this would result in baseball games that last upwards of eight hours. but more importantly, it'd weed out obnoxious bandwagon fans leaving only the true fans of the sport to feel satisfied that the winning team was the best team without a shadow of a doubt. then while the true fans are watching eight hour baseball games, the rest of us can egg their homes.

prediction: now that instant replay is in place, mlb retroactively awards the orioles the 1996 world series, stripping the yankees of the title. also jeffrey maier is sent to prison forever.


6. why are there so many center fielders available and where do they sign?

uh, there are so many center fielders available because their contracts all coincidentally expired this year. now for the much more interesting question, where are they headed? currently, we're looking at a group that includes torii hunter, andruw jones, aaron rowand, mike cameron. and don't worry, because if your team misses out on any of those four, you still have darin erstad, kenny lofton, and corey patterson looking for employment. and i say don't worry because i honestly don't care about your team especially since mine is going to sign one of the top four centerfielders. anyways, of those four, torii hunter is coming off a stellar year and is therefore the most coveted. myself, i like andruw jones. the critics will line up and tell you how he's lost a step in the outfield while the stats will line up and tell you how woeful he was at the plate last year. but for some reason i trust him more than i trust torii hunter. next up is aaron rowand whose claim to fame is playing recklessly. even though i'm a big rowand fan, i can't see him duplicating his stats last year. the booby prize is mike cameron who is facing a 25-game suspension. so even before you factor in eventual injuries, next year he's already only playing a 137 game season. but one time, mike hit four home runs against the white sox in chicago. i'm hopeful the white sox sign him based on this alone. can you imagine how good the white sox would be if he managed to only do half that each game? in summary, these are all good center fielders. though because the market is a little flooded, i expect some team is going to get a center fielder at a bargain.

prediction: the white sox get andruw jones at a bargain after also spending heavily on torii hunter, aaron rowand, and mike cameron.


7. what team will barry bonds play for next year and how will their fans react?

just based on his inability to play the field, i think the list of barry bonds suitors is pared down to the fourteen american league teams. more interesting to me though, is since he is the most unliked player in the league, how will the fans of whatever team eventually signs him embrace him? i'm sure there will be initial outrage, but can fans ignore his surly demeanor and the steroid allegations if he produces like he's capable of? or will they be too disappointed about their team's tacit approval of the one player directly in the middle of the entire steroid controversy? i've spent some time thinking about it and i'm still not sure where i stand. would he help enough to overshadow the impending media circus? should that even matter to me? thankfully, since ozzie guillen has publicly stated that he wouldn't welcome barry bonds onto his team, i'll never know how i'll feel. though for oakland, baltimore, texas, seattle, los angeles of anaheim, and new york of bronx fans, it's something they are forced to consider. it's a tough situation. but if i were barry bonds, i'd just retire. then i'd move to the dominican republic and return to baseball next year as a 17-year old baseball prodigy.

prediction: barry stays in the bay area and signs with the athletics. it's a perfect fit. he doesn't have to move and no one watches a's games anyways.


8. who would re-sign juan uribe?

ken williams, the smartest man alive, that's who. i guess more appropriate questions would have been "why is juan uribe the greatest?" and "why does juan uribe mean more to me than school or church?" but, that ship has sailed. and besides, the answer for both questions is the same: because juan uribe ate my homework. since frank thomas left, juan uribe has been by far my favorite white sox player. i couldn't bear to see him hit an average amount of home runs and get on base fewer than 3 out of 10 times for any other team. apparently though, i'm one of the few who feel this way. for some reason, most white sox fans are quick to kick him out the door even though he's a perfectly normal shortstop who has made a handful of the most important defensive plays i've ever seen. i'd like to say that he's just fallen victim to the prevailing "what have you done for me lately" world. but since his long list of what he's done lately includes things like "get cleared of any involvement in someone getting shot in the dominican republic", "hit a walk off home run against the indians last year" and "exude greatness", i think the problem isn't "what have you done for me lately" it's "why have you done so much for me lately". whatever the case is, thanks to a one-year, $4.5 million deal, i'm ensured of another year of wearing a juan uribe t-shirt jersey that isn't comically out of date. and for that i'm grateful.

prediction: juan uribe wins the mvp next year. the mvp of the wii sports tournament he holds in his basement.

Colorado Must Be Stopped

i bit my tongue when they somehow changed halloween from october 31st to rocktober 31st, but colorado's recent obsession with recreating our calendar has now gotten out of hand. weeks ago i bought a plane ticket home for thanksgiving. now i'm not sure whether thanksgiving is still on or even if my ticket scheduled for "november" and not "nuggvember" is still valid. it cost like $400! and what about their blatant disrespect for our veterans and their day? i can already see the chaos now: "uh, i'm sorry veterans, but veterans day is the 11th of november. today is clearly the 11th of nuggvember. and according to our company's policy, i'm afraid i can not accept this 'buy one whopper, get one free' coupon." we can not continue to stand idly by while colorado progressively invades the entire year. because if we do, here's what i think we'll be faced with.

• janugguary - the new year never starts because everytime the countdown gets close to zero, carmelo anthony hits a clutch jumper and sends the old year into overtime.
• febroncoary - instead of "be mine", "kiss me", and "maybe tonight", valentines day candy hearts read "be mike shanahan's", "kiss mike shanahan", and "definitely mike shanahan every night".
• mavalarche - if you don't wear green on st. patrick's day, you no longer get pinched. you get penatly minutes.
• avaprilanche - tax day is avaprilanche 15th. avaprilanche fool's! tax day is every day, and the avalanche only accept hip checks.
• carmaylo anthony - while everyone else is taking siestas to celebrate cinco de carmaylo, carmelo runs around pouring salsa on our heads.
• junuggets - hey george karl, thanks for knocking out this rent! hey george karl, i sure love this hot water! hey george karl, this is easy to read with all this light! happy father's day, george karl.
• julykies - fireworks on independence day have been replaced with matt holliday coming down your chimney to hit you with a bat. why is he coming down a chimney? because colorado is out of control.
• broncaugust - since nothing noteworthy happens in broncaugust, colorado just gives everyone bronchitis.
• septembrock - on labor day everyone gets the day off of work, to do todd helton's chores.
• rocktober - every rocktoberfest, the rockies get swept in the world series forcing the rest of us to put up with the growing smugness of red sox fans.
• nuggvember - in nuggvember, grown men go to nuggets games, hold up signs that look like they were made by elementary school students, and embarrass their families.
• decembroncos - jay cutler is makes a list and checks it twice, thereby finding out who's naughty and nice. then he throws coal at you if you're on either list.

is this a world you want to live in? is this dumb list anything you ever want to read again? well if coloradoians... colorodeos... choleras ...if they have their way, this is exactly what we're headed towards. so unless the knicks and nuggets prove that they've learned nothing from their last game in new york and get into the exact same fight tonight, resulting in david stern suspending both teams and both states, we'll have to take it upon ourselves to stop this madness before we all have to buy new far side desk calendars. and if that's the case, i think the first step we should take is to ignore these fake month names. i guess that's also the last step. whatever, maybe the knicks and nuggets will get into another fight anyways.