MLB Jump Offseason

the baseball offseason is barely a week old and it seems like there are already countless hot topics, burning questions, and pitching coaches actually on fire running around the league. how the upcoming baseball season is shaped depends greatly on how these topics are addressed, how these questions are answered, and how quickly these pitching coaches stopped, dropped, and rolled. so here is my take on the most pressing issues along with my prediction for what happens.

1. why on earth are there so many meetings?

today is the last day of the general managers' meetings in orlando. according to this calendar, next week the owners meet in naples, florida and in december, baseball holds its winter meetings in nashville. what do these meetings accomplish that couldn't be accomplished in one meeting or even a conference call? why do the owners need to meet separately? do they even talk about anything or is it just a big slumber party? it seems to me like all these meetings are just part of aan elaborate hoax so that owners can stay up late gossiping and braiding each other's hair while their general managers go hang out at disney world.

prediction: during the owners meetings, george steinbrenner wears bright read pajamas with a butt flap. it's gross.


2. what do the twins do with johan santana?

last season, a frustrated santana voiced his displeasure with the direction of the team. plainly, he told reporters that "it doesn't make any sense for me to be here." this season is his last under contract and twins are faced with a number of options. obviously, they are a better team with santana pitching every fifth day. though, i'd argue that they'd be a much better team with santana pitching every weekday. but that's besides the point, because the question is not should they re-sign him but if they can re-sign him. the twins are very budget-conscious and the going rate for belly-itchers is growing each year. if they decide that they can't re-sign santana then they have to ask whether they should play out the year and risk losing him for nothing, like they did with torii hunter, or trade santana and lose him for risky prospects. it's a tough situation for new twins manager bill smith not only because the twins' immediate future rests largely on this decision but also because bill smith is an extremely boring name.

prediction: the twins pay whatever it costs to re-sign santana and bill smith changes his name to pterodactyl nunchucks.


3. who is going to get miguel cabrera?

the marlins have made very clear that miguel cabrera is on the market and are seeking trade partners. it's hard to understand why florida thinks getting rid of one of the five best hitters in the league is a good idea. yes, his work ethic has been questioned, but i see that as a positive. one, he's currently one of the five best hitters in the league and he doesn't even try and two, if he keeps getting fatter then you'll have two of the five best hitters in the league. it just doesn't make much sense to me. but what do i know? the marlins have won two world series in the last ten years and i haven't come close to winning one yet. so instead of questioning their logic, let's look at their potential trade partners.

like always, the yankees are first in line. between phil hughes, joba chamberlain, and ian kennedy, they have a slew of young arms that they can offer the marlins. unfortunately, the marlins are asking for the entire slew while the yankees have said they are willing to part with only one of the three. the dodgers also could have interest even though they have another young third baseman in andy laroche. they have the prospects the marlins are looking for but again the only question is whether they are willing to part with them. the angels are in a similar position, but have long been afraid to trade potential for production. last up are the beloved white sox, whose manager is a native venezuelan and has been friends with cabrera throughout his young career. they probably can't match the overall talent that other teams have to offer, but maybe ozzie guillen can curse at the marlins so much that they have no choice. whatever happens, the price for cabrera will be steep but i expect it will be worth it.

prediction: the white sox trade their only talented prospects to the marlins for miguel cabrera. miguel cabrera then enjoys a season where he hits 65 home runs and plays each game with a deep dish pizza under his hat.


4. where is alex rodriguez going to sign?

a-rod opted out of his yankees contract because he thinks he deserves a $350 million contract which pays him over $30 million a year to play baseball. an athlete signing a $350 million contract is unprecedented and hard for me to comprehend. even moreso when you consider that even though waterworld was awful it still only cost $175 million. a-rod is looking for twice that. and in what non-waterworld is it possible for someone to justify paying a-rod two waterworlds? but appropriately, major league baseball, like waterworld, operates in a fantasy realm where money is lavishly spent without buyer's remorse. someone is going to write a-rod a fat check, the only question is who. there are only a few teams with deep enough pockets to even speak with rodriguez. though the team with the deepest pockets. the yankees, seems unlikely to be roped into this game. that leaves the red sox, angels, dodgers, giants, cubs, mets, and the san diego owls, the baseball team that plays in the city i made in simcity. we have unlimited resources because i found a code that gives you more money. we're also planning on building a new stadium because the old one kept experiencing brownouts. what a city.

prediction: the angels sign a-rod and i spent the rest of his career calling him "waterworld 2".


5. how is instant replay going to be implemented?

i didn't feel strongly one way or another about instant replay. of course it's important to get the calls right, but is it worth the cost of losing the emotion of the game? are walk off home runs going to be as exciting if they have to make sure it was the right call? but like most things, there is the good and the bad. and i assume general managers have decided they'd rather get the calls correct as opposed to just chalking mistakes up as "part of the game" because they've voted in favor of instant replay. nothing is set in stone yet, but it seems that beginning next year, things like home run calls will be replayed. whether that is all instant replay is limited to or other specifics like how many challenges each team can get or who initiates these challenges is still up in the air. my suggestion: replay everything. every play at the plate, every sliding catch, every normal catch, every strike, every ball. everything. this would result in baseball games that last upwards of eight hours. but more importantly, it'd weed out obnoxious bandwagon fans leaving only the true fans of the sport to feel satisfied that the winning team was the best team without a shadow of a doubt. then while the true fans are watching eight hour baseball games, the rest of us can egg their homes.

prediction: now that instant replay is in place, mlb retroactively awards the orioles the 1996 world series, stripping the yankees of the title. also jeffrey maier is sent to prison forever.


6. why are there so many center fielders available and where do they sign?

uh, there are so many center fielders available because their contracts all coincidentally expired this year. now for the much more interesting question, where are they headed? currently, we're looking at a group that includes torii hunter, andruw jones, aaron rowand, mike cameron. and don't worry, because if your team misses out on any of those four, you still have darin erstad, kenny lofton, and corey patterson looking for employment. and i say don't worry because i honestly don't care about your team especially since mine is going to sign one of the top four centerfielders. anyways, of those four, torii hunter is coming off a stellar year and is therefore the most coveted. myself, i like andruw jones. the critics will line up and tell you how he's lost a step in the outfield while the stats will line up and tell you how woeful he was at the plate last year. but for some reason i trust him more than i trust torii hunter. next up is aaron rowand whose claim to fame is playing recklessly. even though i'm a big rowand fan, i can't see him duplicating his stats last year. the booby prize is mike cameron who is facing a 25-game suspension. so even before you factor in eventual injuries, next year he's already only playing a 137 game season. but one time, mike hit four home runs against the white sox in chicago. i'm hopeful the white sox sign him based on this alone. can you imagine how good the white sox would be if he managed to only do half that each game? in summary, these are all good center fielders. though because the market is a little flooded, i expect some team is going to get a center fielder at a bargain.

prediction: the white sox get andruw jones at a bargain after also spending heavily on torii hunter, aaron rowand, and mike cameron.


7. what team will barry bonds play for next year and how will their fans react?

just based on his inability to play the field, i think the list of barry bonds suitors is pared down to the fourteen american league teams. more interesting to me though, is since he is the most unliked player in the league, how will the fans of whatever team eventually signs him embrace him? i'm sure there will be initial outrage, but can fans ignore his surly demeanor and the steroid allegations if he produces like he's capable of? or will they be too disappointed about their team's tacit approval of the one player directly in the middle of the entire steroid controversy? i've spent some time thinking about it and i'm still not sure where i stand. would he help enough to overshadow the impending media circus? should that even matter to me? thankfully, since ozzie guillen has publicly stated that he wouldn't welcome barry bonds onto his team, i'll never know how i'll feel. though for oakland, baltimore, texas, seattle, los angeles of anaheim, and new york of bronx fans, it's something they are forced to consider. it's a tough situation. but if i were barry bonds, i'd just retire. then i'd move to the dominican republic and return to baseball next year as a 17-year old baseball prodigy.

prediction: barry stays in the bay area and signs with the athletics. it's a perfect fit. he doesn't have to move and no one watches a's games anyways.


8. who would re-sign juan uribe?

ken williams, the smartest man alive, that's who. i guess more appropriate questions would have been "why is juan uribe the greatest?" and "why does juan uribe mean more to me than school or church?" but, that ship has sailed. and besides, the answer for both questions is the same: because juan uribe ate my homework. since frank thomas left, juan uribe has been by far my favorite white sox player. i couldn't bear to see him hit an average amount of home runs and get on base fewer than 3 out of 10 times for any other team. apparently though, i'm one of the few who feel this way. for some reason, most white sox fans are quick to kick him out the door even though he's a perfectly normal shortstop who has made a handful of the most important defensive plays i've ever seen. i'd like to say that he's just fallen victim to the prevailing "what have you done for me lately" world. but since his long list of what he's done lately includes things like "get cleared of any involvement in someone getting shot in the dominican republic", "hit a walk off home run against the indians last year" and "exude greatness", i think the problem isn't "what have you done for me lately" it's "why have you done so much for me lately". whatever the case is, thanks to a one-year, $4.5 million deal, i'm ensured of another year of wearing a juan uribe t-shirt jersey that isn't comically out of date. and for that i'm grateful.

prediction: juan uribe wins the mvp next year. the mvp of the wii sports tournament he holds in his basement.