Clemens Party Pitchers!

i know i'm horribly late on this, put i couldn't pass up another chance to talk about the hilarious misadventures of roger clemens. like most of you know, one of the many interesting sub-plots of the clemens-mcnamee saga revolves around an alleged party at jose canseco's house. well, the party itself wasn't alleged, by all accounts it took place and by some accounts it was "...awesome, bro!! wooo!!". however, what was alleged was roger clemens' attendance at said party. brian mcnamee claims that clemens was there, clemens claims he wasn't. clemens' nanny may have been chasing around kids if you believe mcnamee, or she may have been at home if you prep her before she testifies. anyways, the back and forth continued with seemingly no end in sight as if this were an episode of "my super sweet 16". last weekend however, reports surfaced that pictures of roger clemens at jose canseco's miami house party possibly exist. i thought that this was terrific news and i immediately sought out to find this evidence. and thanks to my endless supply of resources, i've been able to successfully track down these exclusive pictures. here they are in all their perjury.

things got off to a rather innocent start. looks like all that batting practice roger clemens put in is finally paying off. also paying off: a piñata filled with hundreds of syringes.

here's a picture of roger hanging out in the shriveled pall pit. nothing about this picture makes sense. why is this ball pit so deep? why is roger clemens' face so pained? whose kids are these?

not even baseball's second most prolific strikeout pitcher can say no to a theme party. here's roger with some friends in togas. other theme parties that i'm sure roger clemens frequents include 80's parties, where he wears a red sox hat and fewer pimples on his back, and republican parties, where republican senators fall in love with him and grill brian mcnamee.

if there's one person who parties hardier than jose canseco and roger clemens it's probably nintendo's prodigal son, mario mario. this is like mario's eighth party in 10 years! of course, i bet this was the only party mario's been to where princess toad compared her boob job to debbie clemens'.

apparently one of the perks of being a rich baseball player is that you own a big enough house to put a chuck e. cheese's in it. speaking of which, it's time congress opens up an investigation on this charles cheese and examines the root of his unusual continued success. the average mouse lives about one-to-two years, is measured by length in inches, and does not have a middle name. charles entertainment cheese turns 31 this year and is enormous.

as the old adage sometimes goes, you've got to fight for your right to party. and besides, what's party without random acts of rebellion against great britain? here's clemens and a few friends throwing bats and boxes of tea overboard just to show their british oppressors what they think of those darn stamp and townshend acts. take that, the queen of england.

so there you have it. feel free to draw your own conclusions, especially if the actual pictures ever emerge. personally, i don't think these or the real photos will unequivocally prove that jose canseco supplied clemens with steroids or anything else. but it will prove that roger clemens was not out golfing at the time of the party like he'd have you believe and was instead enjoying what appears to be the most fun party i've ever seen in my life.

The 2003 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition*

this weekend we were inundated with all sorts of new information regarding roger clemens performance enhancing allegations. i know we've been talking about clemens a lot recently, so i won't go over all these new wrinkles. instead, i'll just touch on the newest wrinkle that i found most interesting. specifically, the wrinkle concerning roger clemens' wife not wanting wrinkles. on friday, brian mcnamee told investigators that he injected debbie clemens with hgh before the 2003 sports illustrated photo shoot. not only does this mean that the 2003 si swimsuit edition should be branded with an asterisk forever, it means that in my mind, brian mcnamee has already sewn up the title of most hilarious person of 2008.

i'll readily admit that the benefits of hgh kind of escape me as it pertains to athletes. but as it pertains the non-athlete wives of athletes, it has escaped me and then started a new life in cabo as "sterling van buren" the inventor of thumb tacks. hopefully this doesn't come off as sexist but, why is it at all useful for women to take hgh before they parade around in bikinis? i'd understand steroid use if debbie had a pair of testicles that she needed to shrink before wearing a revelaing bathing suit, but as far as hgh, i'm completely ignorant. what does hgh do that breast augmentation, liposuction, or even air brushing does not? this isn't to say that i don't believe brian mcnamee. because i do for two reasons. one, because this would be a very weird thing to make up, and two, because i'd much rather believe a mcnamee than a clemens. it just seems to me that debbie clemens thinks hgh is some sort of all powerful flintstones vitamin that will let you live forever. and i doubt brian mcnamee injected her before having the following conversation.

debbie clemens: brian, i have a photo shoot tomorrow, inject me with hgh.
brian mcnamee: uh mrs. clemens, i don't think you understand what hgh does.
debbie clemens: listen, does my husband pay you to think or to poke things in butts?
brian mcnamee: (sigh) ...poke things in butts.
debbie clemens: then shut up and inject me with hgh you nitwit.
brian mcnamee: ...you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: what did you just say?
brian mcnamee: i said, you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: thank you brian, i have lost weight!

i'd apologize for talking about roger clemens so much recently, but frankly i'm not sorry. everyday this story finds a way to top itself. and now with this revelation that debbie clemens used hgh too, i just don't know if there's an end in sight. tomorrow we could find out that the clemens' family dog was a cat before mcnamee injected it with hgh or that koby clemens, roger's eldest son, is actually just a big syringe and i wouldn't be the least bit surprised. but if there is a positive that can come out of this bizarre report, it's that perhaps women who feel pressured by hollywood to look a certain way will eschew eating disorders and just order hgh. then when i open my hgh mart, the hgh will fly off the shelves and i'll meet girls with low self esteem. we all win!

Rocket in an Blue Dress

I remember sitting in the computer lab of my highschool fervently trying to obtain a copy of Kenneth Star's report that outlaid the sexual misconduct of former President Bill Clinton and one Monica Lewinsky. Why the enthusiasm you ask? Because me and my friends are perverts, and you don’t get lurid tales of oral sex, cigar deviancy and inappropriately stained blue dressess in Catholic-school text-books. Anyway, the story of the blue dress complete with the official presidential seal was always my favorite; what kind of creep would you have to be to save such a "souvenir" for over two years? While I respect Ms. Lewinsky for turning her and Bill's clumsiness into fame, you can’t blame me for placing her directly into the starting lineup of the All-Weirdo team.

Well move over Ms. Lewinsky because Brian McNamee has just out-creeped you. Reportedly, Mr. McNamee's defense team has turned over to Congressional court used syringes and gauze pads that McNamee says were part of the steroid and human-growth-hormone treatments that he administered to Roger Clemens. The source says that the materials were from 2000 and 2001 and contain Clemens' DNA. While I am in favor of anything that sullies the career of Roger Clemens, I cant get over the fact that any sane person would save such items without some kind of pre-meditated strategy to either set Clemens up, or to wait for the technology to arise that will enable him to create an army of cloned Roger Clemenses (in which case I hope the technology arises the day after I perish, and not a day sooner). The man saved used, bloody, gauze for 8 years!! Where do you keep something for 8 years? Does he have a refrigerator filled with other weird and disgusting stuff? Andy Pettite’s snot rockets, a 2000 Yankees "championship" hair doll, Derek Jeter's herpes medicine? Makes you wonder, was Chuck Knoblaucks confidence and career ruined because every time he tried to throw to first he was thinking about why his tobacco spitoon kept disappearing? All I know is that if I'm Roger Clemens, I'm coming clean, and quick, because you never know if Brian will open up a whole new can of worms when he pulls a Lewinsky and unearths some sort of "rocket-fuel" stained garment he's been saving for a rainy day. A gross can of worms indeed.

Marques from Utica, NY: The Anti-Right

well marques from utica, ny, you should be happy to hear that this weekend i not only finally found enough uninterrupted free time to find a picture of you thanks to a google image search for "marques utica ny", but i also got a chance to sit down and enjoy my copy of the mitchell report. and interestingly, as i read through it i couldn't help but notice that, despite what you suggested last week, frank thomas wasn't the player who was hurt most by the report. it doesn't even seem like frank thomas was hurt by the report at all. in fact, he was only mentioned three times in the entire document, once when he was quoted as saying that he'd "love to see testing" and two other times in reference to his helpful and informative comments. since this is infinity times more helpful and informative comments than you provided george mitchell, i think we can safely say that your hateful smear campaign against frank thomas has fallen flat on its face. the only way i could be more pleased with this is if the mitchell report is revised so that the following images are included in a new section of the report: "appendix e: pictures of marques from utica, ny being dumb".

figure 1. marques from utica, ny at blue jays batting practice

figure 2. marques from utica, ny having a picnic

figure 3. marques from utica, ny making pastries

hopefully, marques from utica, ny, you've learned a valuable lesson from this embarrassing episode and realize the consequences of making such irresponsible and inaccurate allegations. perhaps this can serve as a reminder to all future espn sportsnation chatters, and humans in general, that frank thomas didn't need the help of performance enhancing drugs to become the best baseball player in history taller than zero inches. or at least a reminder that frank thomas has weird fans.

Marques from Utica, NY: I Hate You

i was reading rob neyer's espn chat this afternoon and i came across this question and answer that, as a tremendous frank thomas fan, i found particularly infuriating.

um, first of all, marques from utica, frank thomas doesn't take performance enhancing drugs, performance enhancing drugs take frank thomas. and the only chance frank thomas has of getting hurt by the mitchell report is if someone leaves it lying around and frank thomas trips over it and stubs his toe. to even suggest that he could be implicated in this or any other report that wasn't written by me in fifth grade is both hog-wash and balderdash. as such, here's what i think would be a more appropriate response to this ridiculous assertion.

seriously though, if anything, frank thomas stands to gain the most from this report. because once this list comes out, everyone is going to realize that in spite of these numerous artificially inseminated players, frank thomas still became baseball's greatest player ever, living or dead or undead.

anyways, by this time tomorrow, i expect this matter will be put to bed after we have all gone over the mitchell report. frank thomas will be exonerated of any wrongdoing in the court of marques from utica ny's opinion and i will be first in line at george mitchell's book signing. then instead of reading chats where someone insinuates that frank thomas may have cheated, i'll read chats where there is an intelligent discussion about things like whether frank thomas should be admitted into the hall of fame tonight or tomorrow night or if we should put an asterisk next to frank thomas' name in the record books for the 400 additional home runs he would have hit if other players weren't on steroids.