The 2003 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition*

this weekend we were inundated with all sorts of new information regarding roger clemens performance enhancing allegations. i know we've been talking about clemens a lot recently, so i won't go over all these new wrinkles. instead, i'll just touch on the newest wrinkle that i found most interesting. specifically, the wrinkle concerning roger clemens' wife not wanting wrinkles. on friday, brian mcnamee told investigators that he injected debbie clemens with hgh before the 2003 sports illustrated photo shoot. not only does this mean that the 2003 si swimsuit edition should be branded with an asterisk forever, it means that in my mind, brian mcnamee has already sewn up the title of most hilarious person of 2008.

i'll readily admit that the benefits of hgh kind of escape me as it pertains to athletes. but as it pertains the non-athlete wives of athletes, it has escaped me and then started a new life in cabo as "sterling van buren" the inventor of thumb tacks. hopefully this doesn't come off as sexist but, why is it at all useful for women to take hgh before they parade around in bikinis? i'd understand steroid use if debbie had a pair of testicles that she needed to shrink before wearing a revelaing bathing suit, but as far as hgh, i'm completely ignorant. what does hgh do that breast augmentation, liposuction, or even air brushing does not? this isn't to say that i don't believe brian mcnamee. because i do for two reasons. one, because this would be a very weird thing to make up, and two, because i'd much rather believe a mcnamee than a clemens. it just seems to me that debbie clemens thinks hgh is some sort of all powerful flintstones vitamin that will let you live forever. and i doubt brian mcnamee injected her before having the following conversation.

debbie clemens: brian, i have a photo shoot tomorrow, inject me with hgh.
brian mcnamee: uh mrs. clemens, i don't think you understand what hgh does.
debbie clemens: listen, does my husband pay you to think or to poke things in butts?
brian mcnamee: (sigh) ...poke things in butts.
debbie clemens: then shut up and inject me with hgh you nitwit.
brian mcnamee: ...you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: what did you just say?
brian mcnamee: i said, you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: thank you brian, i have lost weight!

i'd apologize for talking about roger clemens so much recently, but frankly i'm not sorry. everyday this story finds a way to top itself. and now with this revelation that debbie clemens used hgh too, i just don't know if there's an end in sight. tomorrow we could find out that the clemens' family dog was a cat before mcnamee injected it with hgh or that koby clemens, roger's eldest son, is actually just a big syringe and i wouldn't be the least bit surprised. but if there is a positive that can come out of this bizarre report, it's that perhaps women who feel pressured by hollywood to look a certain way will eschew eating disorders and just order hgh. then when i open my hgh mart, the hgh will fly off the shelves and i'll meet girls with low self esteem. we all win!