Damon Jones: Today's Worst - 08.25.76 to Present

this weekend, the nba's all-star game continued to prove why it's the premier all-star event in all sports. on display was the dunking, shooting, and caring that makes the nba so popular. unfortunately, also on display was damon jones. on the list of things i saw too much of this weekend, damon jones ranked first, with commercials for "house of payne" a distant second. it must drive david stern crazy that every year as he's trying to coordinate an all-star game, damon jones shows up, trips over extension cords, accidentally unplugs the scoreboard, and takes a dump in the commissioner's private bathroom. and if it doesn't, i'm sure it drives me crazy enough for the both of us.

although there are plenty of nba players who aren't particularly good, most of them don't spend the all-star weekend bothering their peers who are. all-star games should be a celebration of good basketball that provides an avenue for the nba to give back to their loyal fans. as such, they should never, ever involve damon jones, a miserable player who only celebrates himself and his brand of unproductive basketball and whose only contributions to the fans are turnovers and missed shots that result in hundreds of basketballs in the stands. damon jones is horrible. this isn't a new development to most people. nor is it something that would appear on espnews' bottom ticker as "breaking news: damon jones sucks". seriously, there were hundreds of thousands of people in new orleans this weekend and only two were glad to see damon jones. one was damon jones and the other was the cab driver who took damon jones to the airport before his flight back. that's it.

let me explain that this is not a problem i have with players coming to the all-star game uninvited. dikembe mutombo is always a welcome and familiar face as a courtside spectator even though he hasn't been an all-star since 2002. but mutombo is also one of the most active nba players in the community. damon jones on the other hand, is one of the most inactive nba players on his team. truthfully, i have no idea what charities damon jones is involved in. but based on what i've seen, he's more likely to wreck a house than he is to help build one. so this isn't animosity towards players who attend the all-star game, just towards the worst player who does.

david stern has his stuff together, so i'm sure that over the past few seasons, the nba has gone to great lengths to make sure damon jones doesn't know what city is hosting the all-star game. yet every year like clockwork, damon jones appears grinning from ear to ear as if people actually enjoy his company. needless to say, this is a situation that should be remedied sooner rather than later. i'm not too keen on watching another all-star weekend while having to cheer against things that will make damon jones appear on my television. anyways, since i don't have anything better to do than to come up with solutions to my trivial problems, i have finalized a simple, fool-proof plan that will keep damon jones and the all-star weekend two mutually exclusive events. step one, change the 2009 nba all-star game wikipedia article so that it says the game will be played in egypt and not phoenix. that's the only step. because if i know damon jones, he'll be forced to use the internet to find out where the all-star game is since no one else will tell him. luckily, the first result from googling "2009 all-star game" is a wikipedia article that is readily editable. then while damon jones is on a 25-hour flight to cairo and then a 25-hour flight back once he realizes he's been had, the all-star game will be able to proceed completely unmolested and free of ugly suits. well, ugly suits not worn by craig sager. (wink!)