Game of the Weak

tonight's nba schedule features a full and diverse set of games. but there is one in particular that caught my eye. is it dwight howard and the upstart magic facing lebron james' cavaliers? could it be the kobe's lakers taking on the upstart houston rockets? or perhaps it's the upstart celtics looking to extend their record to 7-0 to upstart the season? on any other night, i'd be delighted to watch either of those games, but not tonight. because tonight the 0-8 sonics visit the 1-6 miami heat. robert swift guarding a lethargic shaq? durant versus ricky davis? johan petro guarding a lethargic shaq? dwyane wade's newest suit? nick collison guarding a lethargic shaq? chris wilcox and udonis haslem braiding each other's hair? kurt thomas guarding a lethargic shaq? smush parker and chris quinn as backup point guards? a lethargic shaq? penny hardaway and damien wilkins starting? sign me up twice. uh, just in case my first sign up is misplaced.

the sonics are currently 6-point underdogs, though i think a more appropriate line would be any viewers of this game as a 20-point favorite. but i'm not an oddsmaker, i'm only odd. either way, the heat come into this game 0-3 at home while the sonics have similar 0-4 records at their home and at everyone else's. the average scores of games that the sonics and heat have played so far are opponent - 107.9, sonics - 97.4 and opponent - 89.3, heat - 83.3. so which team can impose its will on the other? specifically, will the sonics lose in an uptempo, high-scoring game or will the heat lose in a stop and go, traffic jam-like game? but before we try to predict what happens tonight, let's examine how each of these teams got here. because as they say, those who forget history are doomed to play mark blount.

the heat's season so far could be best described as "woeful at best". they are currently averaging 3 fewer points than the 2nd lowest scoring team and have only once, in a game against the suns, broke 90 points. last night, the heat lost by 15 to the bobcats. this was the second time charlotte has beaten miami this year and at this rate, the heat will lose to primoz brezec and the bobcats over 23 times this season. the elias sports bureau has confirmed that this would be a league record. and as if things weren't going bad enough, pat riley had this to say about last night's loss:

"I guarantee you I should suit up. I'd play better than some of them right now. I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

now heat players have to worry about looking over their shoulders for a delusional coach eager to steal their minutes. seriously, if pat riley actually thinks he can play effective basketball right, now not only is he off his rocker, he's off my rocker. if he played himself for five minutes he'd miss 70 shots and turn the ball over 35 times before fouling out and trying to coach his team out of a 450-4 hole in the next three and a half quarters. hopefully that doesn't happen because there is hope for this team. they've allowed the 2nd fewest points in the league up to this point and more importantly, dwyane wade is going to play soon. simple arithemetic says that once the heat add his 27 points per game to their current 83 points per game, they'll average like 110 points a game! so unless the heat are 1-80 by the time wade returns, i like their chances to make the playoffs.

the sonics outlook this year is a little less cheery. so far, they've played like a team that was hoping to secure a top two draft pick so they could select kevin durant. bad news sonics, you already drafted kevin durant, he's the guy taking 80% of your team's shots. but with that said, the sonics haven't been as bad as advertised. durant seems to be adjusting well and chris wilcox has been a pleasant surprise. also, if you throw out last night's blowout loss to the magic, they've been highly competitive in every game this year. and if you throw out every game this year, the sonics are undefeated. more seriously, the sonics' biggest problem is their inability to close out games. again, ignoring their last game, through the first three quarters, the average score has been opponents - 80, sonics - 78. in the fourth quarter though, seattle has been generally outscored 28-22. once durant learns how to finish games and once they make a firm decision on their cerberus-like point guard rotation, the sonics will improve. but looking at seattle's upcoming schedule, if they don't win this game tonight, it's very possible that they don't win a game for another three years as the oklahoma city disorder. though maybe the sonics have been purposely losing with the hope that oklahoma city decides they don't want an nba team. and if that's what it takes to keep basketball in seattle, i hope they never win another game and the sonics trade kevin durant to the wizards for a 2nd round draft pick.

anyways, as evident, my excitement over this mediocre game is unreasonably high. my prediction: everyone wins. except for the heat, who lose by 3 because pat riley inserts himself into the starting lineup.