Colorado Must Be Stopped

i bit my tongue when they somehow changed halloween from october 31st to rocktober 31st, but colorado's recent obsession with recreating our calendar has now gotten out of hand. weeks ago i bought a plane ticket home for thanksgiving. now i'm not sure whether thanksgiving is still on or even if my ticket scheduled for "november" and not "nuggvember" is still valid. it cost like $400! and what about their blatant disrespect for our veterans and their day? i can already see the chaos now: "uh, i'm sorry veterans, but veterans day is the 11th of november. today is clearly the 11th of nuggvember. and according to our company's policy, i'm afraid i can not accept this 'buy one whopper, get one free' coupon." we can not continue to stand idly by while colorado progressively invades the entire year. because if we do, here's what i think we'll be faced with.

• janugguary - the new year never starts because everytime the countdown gets close to zero, carmelo anthony hits a clutch jumper and sends the old year into overtime.
• febroncoary - instead of "be mine", "kiss me", and "maybe tonight", valentines day candy hearts read "be mike shanahan's", "kiss mike shanahan", and "definitely mike shanahan every night".
• mavalarche - if you don't wear green on st. patrick's day, you no longer get pinched. you get penatly minutes.
• avaprilanche - tax day is avaprilanche 15th. avaprilanche fool's! tax day is every day, and the avalanche only accept hip checks.
• carmaylo anthony - while everyone else is taking siestas to celebrate cinco de carmaylo, carmelo runs around pouring salsa on our heads.
• junuggets - hey george karl, thanks for knocking out this rent! hey george karl, i sure love this hot water! hey george karl, this is easy to read with all this light! happy father's day, george karl.
• julykies - fireworks on independence day have been replaced with matt holliday coming down your chimney to hit you with a bat. why is he coming down a chimney? because colorado is out of control.
• broncaugust - since nothing noteworthy happens in broncaugust, colorado just gives everyone bronchitis.
• septembrock - on labor day everyone gets the day off of work, to do todd helton's chores.
• rocktober - every rocktoberfest, the rockies get swept in the world series forcing the rest of us to put up with the growing smugness of red sox fans.
• nuggvember - in nuggvember, grown men go to nuggets games, hold up signs that look like they were made by elementary school students, and embarrass their families.
• decembroncos - jay cutler is makes a list and checks it twice, thereby finding out who's naughty and nice. then he throws coal at you if you're on either list.

is this a world you want to live in? is this dumb list anything you ever want to read again? well if coloradoians... colorodeos... choleras ...if they have their way, this is exactly what we're headed towards. so unless the knicks and nuggets prove that they've learned nothing from their last game in new york and get into the exact same fight tonight, resulting in david stern suspending both teams and both states, we'll have to take it upon ourselves to stop this madness before we all have to buy new far side desk calendars. and if that's the case, i think the first step we should take is to ignore these fake month names. i guess that's also the last step. whatever, maybe the knicks and nuggets will get into another fight anyways.