Joey Porter Hates America

if you're like me, you don't like joey porter. though if you're like joey porter, you're a miserable football player and a big fat jerk. and if that's the case, i don't like you or your horse-killing dogs or your six friends who helped you gang up on levi jones either. thankfully, karma has been restored, and this year joey porter is playing a key role on the winless miami dolphins, much to my delight. he has been so inconsequential thus far that we haven't really heard anything about him since he guranteed a victory against the raiders in week 4. this was a game the dolphins lost by 18 points while allowing daunte culpepper to rush for three scores and pass for another two. strangely, neither the dolphins nor the raiders have won since this game, which further proves my theory that joey porter ruins things.

but finally, the point. as you may know, ricky williams was recently reinstated by the league and has been spotted around the dolphins' complex. this is either what the dolphins call their training facility or the psychological phenomena that causes them to do things like not drafting brady quinn, trading for a pre-concussed trent green, and letting mercury morris answer questions about teams who could go undefeated. either way, for illogical reasons only beknownst to them, someone decided to ask joey porter what he thought about this, specifically whether he'd accept ricky williams back onto the team. porter's response was enlightening.

"Yeah I would. We're 0-9. I'd welcome bin Laden if he could run the ball like Ricky did."

i don't even know where to begin. how about: "if you're like me, you don't like joey porter. though if you're like joey porter, you think letting terrorists play for your football your team is a good idea." it's never a good sign when the person who is 3rd on the fbi's most wanted fugitive list is first on your team's most wanted running back list. but fortunately for the dolphins and the united states and the people that run the terror alert scale who would have had to start using colors from 64-packs of crayloa crayons if osama bin laden played football, joey porter doesn't make the decisions in miami. because if he did, not only would our current threat level rise to cerulean or burnt sienna or razzle dazzle rose, but the dolphins would also field a team consisting of bin laden, john wilkes booth, cruella de vil, and the ebola virus. and instead of punting on fourth downs, the dolphins would always run trick plays where they burn flags and root against brett favre. it would be madness.

anyways, it's obvious that joey porter wasn't seriously considering flying bin laden in for a tryout, but i'm mocked outraged the same. mainly because i don't like joey porter. but for his sake, i'm hopeful that joey porter's wish of playing football with osama bin laden comes true. when roger goodell bans him from the nfl forever because of these inane comments, forcing him to sign with the al-qaeda terminaedas. if not, joey porter will continue to play in the nfl against true americans. the terrorists have already won.