the dunk contest field was recently announced and it appears to be the tallest competition ever. but it's also shaping up to be one of the most exciting so i can't say that i'm not pleased. or if you dislike double negatives, i can say that i am pleased. dwight howard returns despite getting hosed last year and rudy "mayday" gay, your and my favorite nba player, gets an opportunity to convince everyone else that he's the best player in the league not named lebron james or kobe bryant or a few other names as well. sure i'd rather see nick young in there instead of defending champ gerald green, who can't find the floor in minnesota of all places. and i wouldn't complain if jamario moon, though a very competent dunker, was replaced with someone else, like rudy gay. but since i understand that nick was kind of a long shot considering he isn't widely known and also having two rudy gays in a single dunk contest would make everyone gasp so much that there wouldn't be any oxygen left afterwards, the current participants are more than acceptable. besides, rudy gay is going to win regardless of who you throw out there and it's not even going to be close.
look how many people it takes to keep rudy gay from dunking in a normal contest. you may not know this, but in a dunk contest those same players must sit helplessly on the sideline while rudy gay goes unabated to the basket. given these circumstances, i see no scenario where rudy doesn't annihilate his competition. so obviously predicting rudy gay to win isn't really going out on much of a limb. that's why i'm instead going to predict the individual dunks that he'll do en route to his inevitable dunk contest victory.
dunk #1 - rudy starts off the competition conservatively with his patented two-handed cradled reverse dunk from the three point line. four judges give him tens while another judge combines two scorecards to award rudy 11 points. it's a record score of 51.
dunk #2 - a few minutes after dwight howard's fabled kiss the rim dunk sends the crowd into a frenzy, an unimpressed rudy gay decides to use his next dunk to demonstrate how much higher he can jump. rudy takes two steps, leaps up, and takes the rim out on a date. they watch "p.s., i love you" and eat at a fancy restaurant all in the same jump. afterwards, rudy gay dunks it and quits it. the judges give the dunk a perfect 50 while "p.s., i love you" receives decidedly mixed reviews.
dunk #3 - rudy retreats all the way into the backcourt to get a full head of steam for his 3rd dunk. he sprints the length of the court, jumps from a few steps behind the free throw line, and throws down a violent dunk on luis scola who was minding his own business on a practice court in houston about 300 miles away. back in new orleans, rudy gets another perfect score.
dunk #4 - with victory all but assured, rudy does a standard 720 windmill where he dunks after spinning completely around twice while jumping over an actual windmill. the resulting energy collected from the windmill is estimated to be able to power the earth for another 5-7 years after the sun burns out. rudy gay is awarded the slam dunk contest trophy and a nobel peace prize.
hopefully, the nba has a plan to inject some suspense back into this year's all star festivities since it's pretty much a wrap on the old dunk contest. my suggestion? let rudy gay enter the 3-point contest and race dick bavetta so we he can try to capture the elusive all star triple crown. that should keep the masses entertained. or at least one unbelievably simple-minded mass.
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