The NBAs First Foray Into Relegation

I am in a very tough situation right now. My favorite sports franchise in history was beaten by 45 points by the team I have grown to hate the most so far this year, the Celtics. It was an absolute bloodbath; a whitewashing, a steamrolling and a trouncing. I know that athletes are doing their jobs and it's about money. I always feel that fans that demand that athletes go above and beyond what is required of them need to look at their own jobs and examine whether or not they always get their reports finished before-schedule or always make sure that they change the water jug on the water cooler when it is dangerously low. But what the Knicks did last night wasn't even doing the bare minimum. The Knicks didn't take vacation or a personal day, they didn't call in sick, they didn't show up hours late, hungover and reeking of alcohol, they pulled the prototypical no-call-don't show. That is unacceptable. The performance last night prompted Kevin Garnett to insinuate that Stephon Marbury and some of the Knicks had quit. Regardless of what happens, I will never turn on the Knicks, EVER. The 15 members of the Knicks could posse up and and steal my grandmother's walking stick, or admit to purposely running over my dog when I was six years old and I would tell my grandmother to apologize to them for whatever she must have done to get the Knicks angry at her and lie and say I didnt care about that mutt Max anyway. But even with that said, I need to find a way to put the Knicks on "time-out" for a little while. After some thought I have come up with a solution that i will pitch to David Stern. that solution - relegation. Yep, the Knicks should be relegated, nope not to the NBDL but rather to the WNBA. This solution is fool proof and works on so many levels:

• Knick fans will still have access to the games and wont have to take stomach punches in the form of horrific losses in games that actually matter.
• It will facilitate rising WNBA ratings, David Stern's dream, as people will tune in to see if the Knicks can lose to the Houston Comets.
• Knick fans wont feel bad about rooting for a different, more relevant team because the Knicks arent even in the NBA anymore.
• Vicious media types can credit Isiah Thomas for the trifecta, ruining the CBA, NBA and WNBA.
• The Knicks, wandering hands and inappropriate hugs will be chalked up to good defense.
• It'll be like the classic movie Juwanna Mann, but without drag. So maybe the Knicks will learn to be a kinder, more sensitive team by the end.
  

To keep integrity of the NBA there will be no promotion into the league by existing WNBA teams, and the Knicks will be able to gain re-entry whenever I see fit. But for now this is the only acceptable way to ensure the Knicks can't embarrass me and everything I stand for on a national stage. I'll let you know what Commissioner Stern thinks of the idea, in the mean time I'm gonna go watch Juwanna Mann.

Today's Best - 11.29.07

5. nate robinson - it's hard to have anything positive to point to when your team combines to score only 59 points en route to a 104-59 defeat to the hands of the hated celtics. but the seemingly meaningless 37-foot 3-pointer that nate robinson drilled at the end of the game ensured that the knicks exceeded the franchise record low of 58 points. it also ensured that the knicks finished the game with at least one player in double figures. i'm no elias sports bureau, but i can't imagine a team goes an entire game without a single player scoring at least 10 points very often if ever. so thanks to nate robinson's heroics, the knicks narrowly avoided joining that club. instead they joined the "teams that play so poToday'orly that eddy curry somehow had a +/- of -36, while malik rose led the team with a +/- of -4" club.

4. chi mcbride - with the news that hbo is planning to make a movie based on "game of shadows", it marks barry bonds' first return to the big screen since 12-year old henry rowengartner struck him out in "rookie of the year". of course, it is unlikely that he plays himself in this movie like he did in that movie some 14 years ago which means the coveted role of barry bonds will have to be filled by someone else. and for whatever reason, the first large, bald, black actor that came to mind was chi mcbride, who coincidentally played a character named barry in the film "let's go to prison". and since barry bonds was recently indicted and could become a real-life barry who goes to prison, i think this is too perfect not to work. but that's also what i said this morning about using ketchup instead of milk in my cereal so what do i know?

3. brett favre - yes, brett favre threw for a paltry 56 yards and added two interceptions before getting injured, but if we've learned anything from the coverage leading into last night's packers-cowboys game, it's that brett favre and tony romo are actually the same person. so technically, the final score of the game wasn't cowboys 37, green bay 27, it was brett favre 64 and improved his record to 22-3 on the season and almost certainly ensures that he gets a first round bye. one that he will surely spend at jessica simpsons' house.

2. every person on earth that isn't on the denver nuggets - not only did the nuggets lose 127-99 to the lakers last night they did so while allowing sasha vujacic to score a career-high 22 points. this is completely unacceptable. sasha vujacic's previous career high was a game where he scored zero points but had several shots that hit the square on the backboard. but tonight, he scored 19 points in the fourth quarter alone. and if we extrapolate his gaudy fourth quarter numbers over a full game, he would have lit up denver for 76 points, 8 rebounds, 12 assists, and 8 personal fouls. that's how bad it was. conclusion: if the nuggets want me to take them seriously as western conference contenders they need to stop making basketball players who are barely better than a pickle jar look like pickle jars that are incredible at basketball.

1. carmelo anthony - carmelo finished with 23 points on a super-efficient 11-15 shooting but more importantly, in the fourth quarter he was ejected for a flagrant foul when he hit sasha vujacic in the throat. whether or not it was intentional is not important. what is important is that sasha vujacic got hit in the throat and then went on to score seven more points, which is clear evidence that his 22 point outburst steroid related. what other explanation can there be when last night, three sasha vujacics would have beaten the new york knicks by seven points? especially since on any other night, it would take one billion sasha vujacics just to screw in a light bulb. anyways, i'm hoping that hbo has taken notice so that sasha vujacic will be included in their "game of shadows" movie adaptation and is played by air bud.

Today's Best - 11.28.07

5. rashard lewis - in his first return to seattle since signing with orlando, rashard lewis drained 3 of 19 field goal attempts and helped his new team beat his old team 110-94 instead of by a larger margin. lewis' contributions, however, go far beyond the box score because his endless misfiring shifted the spotlight to dwight howard. and in his first game back after failing to reach double digit points for the first time this season, howard responded with a career-high 39 points on 12 of 17 shooting to go along with 16 rebounds and five blocks. it was the fifth time this season that he blocked at least as many shots as he missed. in these games, the magic are undefeated. if stan van gundy was smart, the only shots he'd allow dwight howard to take would be put-back dunks off of rashard lewis' missed field goals. foolproof.

4. the metric system - i'm not sure how beno udrih counted time in yugoslavia, but in this country, when the golden state warriors are up two and grab a rebound with 30 seconds left in the game, there will be at least six seconds left for you to tie or take the lead if you just get a stop. but apparently something got lost in translation because instead of eating hamburgers and watching "according to jim" like an american, beno fouled monta ellis and a two-point deficit doubled for no particular reason. though that's not to say udrih was the only king at fault for their 103-96 loss to the resurgent warriors. because in the fourth quarter of last night's game, various sacramento players combined to go 2-23 from the field, which in any number system is fairly poor. maybe the kings would have had better success had they played this game in europe, the baskets are only like 3 meters tall over there. that's so short!

3. military intelligence - the virginia military institute defeated columbia union college by a score of 74-38. then the second half started. even though the pioneers managed an impressive 53 points in the second stanza, vmi went on to win by a final score of 156-91, setting school records for most points and margin of victory. this was 99 points more than vmi scored in it's previous game, a loss at ohio state. chavis holmes was one of seven keydets in double digits and led the way with 27 points. his twin brother travis holmes and reggie williams also topped 25, and each averaged over one point per minute. vmi led this game in nearly every statistical category. they made 20 threes, had 30 offensive rebounds compared to columbia's 26 defensive rebounds, and forced the pioneers into a mind-numbing 44 turnovers, led by tim turner with 13. to give you an idea of the talent disparity between the two teams, i had to go to the school's website to find out turner's first name, because espn only has player cards for two of columbia's players. and their website spelled "lose" wrong. i'm assuming the pioneers warm up to the "benny hill show" theme song.

2. cleveland's options 2 through 15 - after two quarters in the pistons-cavaliers game last night, detroit was modestly ahead 48-43. and because lebron james sprained his finger late in the second quarter which put an early end to his night, cleveland's other players finally got the chance to prove their worth in the second half. and prove it they did, as they were handily outscored, 61-31. hopefully this is the evidence that finally convinces danny ferry to make a move to improve this anemic supporting cast. and if not, hopefully he'll let the supporting cast play while wearing supporting casts.

1. stevie franchise - before last nights game against the suns, houston's steve francis had played a total of 51 minutes. he played more than half of his season total to that point with 27 quality minutes last night and contributed in a huge way to the Rockets 100 - 94 victory. francis filled up the stat sheet with 9 points, 7 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals and 2 blocks and at some times made quick moves to the basket that reminded viewers of his previous tour of duty with the rockets. as much as we laud dunks, and ill-advised threes on this blog, there still is a special place in every basketball fan's heart for an ankle popping crossover and steve francis was a tenured professor in crossoverology. in fact steve executed my favorite crossover of all time when he crossed over derek anderson 3 times in the same play (30 seconds in), passing up open shots/drives twice just to prove the point that if he wanted to he could embarrass derek anderson for the remainder of the 24 second shot clock. however, just to let rockets fans know, this new incarnation of steve francis has these rebirths from time to time, but based on his stint as a knick last year he is bound to return to his out of shape, slow, careless form just as quickly as he seemed to turned the light switch on last night.

I Still Miss Sean Taylor

it's always tough to know the right things to say when an athlete dies. is it ok that we sometimes care more about an athlete's passing than the countless other anonymous people who tragically die every day? is it accurate when people say "it's not a sports story" when we wouldn't even know about them if not for their sports career? these are questions that i'm not smart nor insightful enough to provide answers to. the only thing i know at this point is that i woke up this morning and my favorite football player did not. and now, maybe or maybe not justifiably, i'm heartbroken.

when i initially read that sean had been shot in his miami home, for whatever reason, i wasn't exceptionally concerned. the report said he had been shot in his leg and i ignorantly assumed he'd be fine. wizards forward andray blatche was shot in the chest a few years ago and he's since made a full recovery, paul pierce was stabbed in the face and he looks exactly the same as before, even joey porter got shot in his buttocks and has lived to tell about it even though no one is particularly fond of stories involving joey porter's buttocks. with that in mind, i thought sean would make a similar recovery and besides, if there was anyone who could survive a gunshot it was the invincible sean taylor.

instead, the local radio reports regarding his health persisted and though he remained in critical condition, i remained optimistic that he'd make a full recovery. when i was writing the most recent today's best entry late last night, i even considered including sean based solely on the positive reports of his improved signs of responsiveness. i ultimately decided to hold off until what i assumed was his inevitable and forthcoming hospital release before i began to sing his praises and predict that in his next game he'd record 15 sacks, two of which would be of jason campbell. so i went to bed satisfied about a paragraph i wrote about mud. when i woke up, i couldn't believe what i was hearing. i sat helplessly on my bed in stunned silence shaking my head for fifteen minutes. i was confused, bewildered, angry, and emotional. i wanted to go back to sleep hoping that when i woke up, espn's breaking news wasn't about sean taylor dying, but about sean taylor dodging gunfire, hit sticking these burglars into submission, and saving christmas. it was unfortunately the last desperation of a stubborn man and an outcome that i never even seriously considered had just become a horrible reality. i was sick to my stomach.

anyways, i'm sure you're familiar with the latest details surrounding this upsetting death by now. so instead of depressing myself further and telling you things that can easily be found on credible websites, i'd much rather celebrate my favorite memories involving sean taylor that you can only find on in-credible websites. because ever since he was drafted, he became many redskins fans' favorite redskin and in my case, he became my favorite football player. though i doubt i'm the biggest sean taylor fan, i'd like to believe i'm one of the most irrational and blindly loyal. as such, here are a few moments that i'll always remember from his all too brief time in my life.

• before the 2004 draft, my roommate and i were hopeful that kellen winslow would fall to washington. we knew that drafting his miami teammate was the smarter move, but we were too enthralled with junior winslow's unique skill set and unique press conference where he famously declared himself a soldier. thankfully for the redskins, they don't consult us for these decisions and with the 5th pick of the draft sean taylor became a redskin.
• in fall 2004, i went to the redskins store in the mall with the sole purpose of buying a sean taylor jersey. sean taylor's freakish and reckless play had endeared himself to me and i decided to support him in jersey form. as i was paying, the employee at the register said to me, "nice, i've been meaning to get a sean taylor jersey too." i thought to myself, "uh, i didn't ask for your life story. just ring me up so i can pretend i'm sean taylor already." he did and i did.
• in the final game of sean taylor's rookie season, my brother and i went to landover to watch the redskins-vikings play in person. we had somehow acquired field level tickets and watched up close as sean tossed randy moss around. the redskins eventually won and randy moss left the field before the game ended drawing the ire of football purists who don't understand the concept of beating the rush. more importantly though, with our seats we got free hot dogs which i assume were courtesy of sean taylor.
• one year i participated in a fantasy football league with individual defensive players. in the second round of the draft i took sean taylor. after the draft, another team offered me a trade that would send sean taylor to his team for his first 10 draft picks. i smartly declined and began the season on a very long winning streak before my season collapsed when it was apparent i hadn't surrounded sean taylor with enough talent.
• in a playoff game in 2005 against the buccaneers, marcus washington recovered a fumble and then fumbled it himself. sean taylor flew in, picked up the ball without breaking stride, and streaked into the end zone. if i had five dollars for every high five i gave after that play, i'd have made like $35. this would have put me halfway closer to a more recent sean taylor jersey which reflected his number change at the beginning of this year.
• during last year's pro bowl, sean taylor leveled an afc punter so hard that the punter ran over and congratulated him. the same punter also later congratulated sean taylor for curing diabetes, so take that for what it's worth.
• in madden 08, i created a team and after a fantasy draft, sean taylor was inserted as the fairfax megamen's starting free safety. i soon figured out that when you add a created team in franchise mode, the players on that team are duplicates. as you would expect, i took full advantage as my defense boasted two sean taylors in its starting secondary. not one to waste time trying to tame all madden, i played a season on pro level and the sean taylors combined for 40+ interceptions. i'm 24 years old.
• earlier this year against the packers, sean taylor intercepted brett farve twice during one of those games where brett favre just has more fun than everyone else. during this game, sean also had a chance to intercept two or three other passes which would have almost certainly resulted in the first game that ended with someone other than brett favre having the most fun. sean taylor is the best.

if it's not obvious, sean taylor was one of my favorite things about sundays and pretty much every other day of the week as well. his loss, in every sense imaginable, is devastating and he, in every sense imaginable, is irreplaceable. i'm not really sure what else there is to say because after a full day of work, i still feel miserable. but i guess it's hard to feel anything else when someone you've rooted so hard for is suddenly murdered as yet another grim and unnecessary reminder that it's a despicably cold world out there. a cold world that cuts short lives full of potential. a cold world that takes a young father away from his daughter before her 2nd birthday. and unfortunately, a cold world in which life will continue even after this senseless death.

one day i'm sure i'll move on and instead of getting hopelessly sad when i remember sean taylor, i'll smile fondly. maybe it'll be when i tell my kids stories about how great sean taylor was. maybe when it'll be when i see my kids wearing an old sean taylor jersey. or maybe it'll be when i explain to my kids how their mother and i almost got a divorce when i told her i wanted to name each of them "the invincible sean taylor". one day.

just not today.

R.I.P Sean Taylor

Pro-Bowl Redskins Safety, Sean Taylor died early this morning a day after being shot in the femoral artery during a burglary attempt in his Miami home. The outlook looked bleak Monday as all reports were being described as "critical or touch and go" but the late news was encouraging as, Taylor was reportedly able to make hand signals and facial expressions. This morning i awoke to the loudest "Ohhhh, God!" ever when my roommate, was texted the news, and knowing that his favorite NFL player was in critical condition, I immediately new what had happened. The 24 year old Taylor was well on his way to becoming the best safety in the NFL and, was beginning to coordinate his hard-hitting reputation with some of the more subtle nuances of the safety position. We send our deepest condolence to the Taylor family, the Redskins and the NFL community as a whole...

Today's Today's Best - 11.26.07

5. the yankees - as of yesterday, the twins and yankees have begun preliminary trade talks about johan santana, who is a free agent after next season. new york's best prospects are young pitchers but the twins should be in the market for bats more so than arms. that's why i don't think there's a fit, though i say this as someone who thinks the yankees' limitless payroll is unfair to other teams with fewer resources. but with that said, i'm not ever sure what "preliminary" means regarding trade talks, so i'm holding out hope this is nothing more than an overblown report coming from the new york media. and if it isn't, i'm holding out hope that the twins trade santana to the yankees for alex rodriguez.

4. marko jaric - in addition to helping beat the hornets 103-94 last night, the mediocre timberwolf is also apparently dating supermodel adriana lima. the mediocre timberwolf has also apparently not told adriana lima what he does for a living, because if she knew how poorly he often plays basketball i doubt she'd be very interested. this is where my attempt at trying to knock marko jaric down a couple pegs ends because landing a brazilian supermodel is pretty impressive. and besides, if we're lucky, the news of this jaric-lima power couple will send eva longoria into a jealous fit of rage. and in order to reclaim media attention, she is seen canoodling with a certain blogger for this website.

3. beno udrih - in a game against his former employer beno udrih led the kings to a 112-99 win. the spurs had no answer for beno udrih who scored a career high 27 points. the spurs having no answer for beno udrih is like a very good math teacher having no answer for a very simple math problem, like "if beno udrih usually misses every shot he takes throughout the 30 minutes he averages a game, how many minutes should beno udrih usually play?" well if you answered zero minutes, you aren't reggie theus and you wouldn't have ignored conventional wisdom to beat the spurs.

2. the cleveland cavaliers - anytime anderson varejao says "i don't want to play there anymore" where "there" is the city your basketball team is in, i think it's a win. that's why if i were a cavalier fan, right now i'd be overjoyed to hear that varejao feels that he has been treated so unfairly by danny ferry that he has no interest playing for cleveland again. but i'm not a cavs fan, i'm only someone who wishes to never see varejao play another nba minute because he makes me so angry i want to eat an entire hornet's nest. there are those who will argue that anderson varejao brings a lot of intangibles to the table. but from what i can tell these intangibles include energetic and frequent flopping and the table in which varejao brings these intangibles is probably laying upside down with all four legs in the air after trying to take a flop.

1. mud - as if it thought we forgot about it, mud decided to reinsert itself into our world on the grand stage that is monday night football. heavy rain made the field conditions miserable which also resulted in a final score of pittsburgh 3, dolphins 0, mud 49. the first points didn't happen until 17 seconds remained in the game, but by then the game had been long decided because i decided to watch something else like two hours earlier. "ugh, anything is better than this mud-day night football game," i thought to myself. pleased that i could come up with something so clever, i spent the next ten minutes telling other people things like "man, talk about mud-day night football!" and "this mud-day night football game sure is 'mud see tv!'", and "the steelers are getting away with mud-der!" no one commented about how clever i was at the time, but i think that's partly because they immediately called their friends to tell them how clever i was.

Yesterday's Today's Best - 11.25.07

5. george mason - en route to a third place finish in the old spice classic, george mason handed michael beasley what is likely to be his only loss in a competitive basketball game over the next five years. beasley finished with 30 points which paled in comparison to the 87 total points george mason rang up on the strength of all five starters scoring in double figures. even more impressive, gmu won despite having a player who tried to pass the ball to a ref thinking it was a teammate at the end of the game.

4. florida state - on friday, florida state played florida in both men's and women's basketball. both the lady seminoles and gentleman seminoles came out on top. then on saturday, florida and florida state's football teams met for their annual clash. florida won the game easily 45-12, but florida state had the last laugh when they broke tim tebow's hand. and since the heisman trophy features a player whose hand is not in a cast, it's pretty safe to assume that florida state has ruined tim tebow's chances of hoisting it.

3. the golden state warriors - over the extended holiday weekend, golden state went on a five game road trip where they finished 4-1 and even twice held their opponent under 100 points. interestingly, stephen jackson's return from suspension has coincided with the warriors' return to .500. it has also coincided with the warriors' return to using straight jackets instead of warm ups. i guess that's unfair because so far jackson has been a model citizen and it appears he is finally matured under don nelson. of course he also got a tattoo of a gun in the offseason to remind him not to use guns.

2. tim floyd - usc started the title game of the anaheim classic with stars oj mayo and taj gibson on the bench because tim floyd wanted to give southern illinois a different look. the trojans eventually won 70-45 and tim floyd for now looks like a genius. hopefully next game he decides to bench oj mayo again so that he can start himself citing match up problems. when usc ultimately loses by 290 points and breaks several rules in the process, tim floyd will be fired and oj mayo can become college basketball's first player/coach while also becoming college basketball's first player/coach to make 58 threes in one game.

1. lebron james - according to lebron james, i don't want to be lebron james, i want to be better than lebron james. well maybe lebron james wants to be better than lebron james, but i would gladly settle on being lebron james, especially after a weekend that included back to back triple doubles. if he records a triple double in only seven more consecutive games he'll tie wilt chamberlain's nba record of longest continuous triple double streak with nine. and if lebron james sleeps with about 19,500 more women, he'll tie another dubious wilt chamberlain record.

Heismania - 11.25.07

Pat White is the best player in the nation - Pat White led his West Virginia Mountaineers directly into the talk for National Championship candidacy with a dominating performance against the Connecticut Huskies on Saturday. The quarterback threw for 1 TD and ran for 186 yards and two more TDs en-route to a 66-21 steamrolling of a surprise Huskies team. In the meantime, White bolstered his Heisman candidacy; prompting Connecticut coach Randy Edsall to endorse White for the award. Its kind of like nominating the person who just assaulted and battered you for a good Samaritan award. Either way, White's disgusting, team leading, 1,144 rushing yards to go along with his 1,498 passing yards from the QB position as well as his team's position in the rankings, gives white a legitimate chance of winning the coveted Heisman hardware.

Wait, Darren McFadden is the best player in the nation - In the best game of the week, if Darren McFadden didn't prove why he is Heisman worthy, he most definitely proved why he should be the hands down number one pick in the 2008 NFL draft. The three overtime thriller ended with LSU's QB Matt Flynn throeing a crippling interception in the end-zone while trying to convert a mandatory 2pt conversion. McFadden ran for 206 yards and 3 TDS and took the snap directly several times even throwing a TD. This performance not only upended the number one team in the nation, but also put Ricky Williams on notice that hes going to have a new running mate in the backfield next year.

But, what about that guy in Hawaii? - Colt Brennan kept his name squarely within the Heisman discussion with his performance in toppling last year's WAC champions, Boise State in Hawaii's 39 -27 win. Brennan threw for six yards short of 500 and 5 TDS in breaking BYU's Ty Detmer's mark for career passing touchdowns. Brennan cruised past the record when he threw his 122nd TD pass in the first quarter and now sits at 126. While Brennan is a longshot to win the Heisman, the Warriors are one win away from securing a second BCS game bid for the WAC. Hawaii faces Washington in their final regular season game.

All that is irrelevant because Tim Tebow is winning the Heisman - Tim Tebow is making it awfully hard for voters to not make him the Heisman winner as he now has accounted for 51 of Florida's TDs throwing for 3 and running for another 2 against in-state rival Florida State. Personally I have a personal gripe with Tebow, as he ruined Chris Leak's chance of being recognized as "the guy" who led Florida to their National Championship last year, but it's kind of hard to argue with his numbers and his leadership of this team. While they will most likely fall short of receiving a BCS invitation, Tebow is probably the most deserving candidate and if his success continues in future seasons, voters won't be able to hide behind the fact that he is an underclassman.

Missouri must be stopped - I was going to comment on the travesty that the winner of the Kansas Missouri game this past weekend will have a very good chance of being in the National Title game, but I like probably most of our readers was in a turkey comma for most of the weekend. Regardless, the winner turned out to be Missouri and while I like the Cinderella story as much as the next guy who really wants to sit down and watch either of these teams in the National Championship? There would be no Vince Young vs. USC, there wont be a Heisman lock vying for team hardware, it would basically be Missouri or Kansas getting trounced by another team that happens not to be in the very disappointing Big 12. Now we have to hope that another Big 12 team, Oklahoma, steps up and cuts Missouri off at the pass in the Big 12 championship game, so hopefully we see West Virginia vs. Ohio State or some other bearable, star-filled BCS championship.

Yesterday's Best 11.19.07

5. Michael Beasley -Michael Beasley continued his dazzling display of dominance in the college ranks by notching his second game of over 20 points and 20 rebounds. Against Western Illinois on Saturday, Beasley grabbed 22 boards to go along with his 28 points and is now averaging an even 30 points and 20 rebounds on the season. That's way too many points and rebounds for a freshman, and at this point I demand a full investigation to see how old this guy really is.

4. Jimmie Johnson - The most popular American male name is James, which is often colloquially changed to Jim or Jimmie. Johnson is the second most common surname. I think I have figured out why NASCAR has such an undeservedly huge following, its because apparently the best performer Jimmie Johnson the two time Nextel Cup champion, has that same name as half the population in America. While my last name is surely not popular, I have to admit that I have some kind of subjective affinity to players named Joe. If someone actually had my name and was some kind of superstar athlete, I'm pretty sure I'd be a fan. Then again, I'd probably also spend an exorbitant amount of time pretending that I was that person to get into clubs, get things comped and try to impress women.

3. Orlando Magic - The Orlando Magic snapped the Celtics unbeaten streak on Sunday, beating the big three 104-102 and proving that the Celtics do bleed real blood. The Celtics came back furiously from a 17 point halftime deficit, but came up short when Paul Peirce missed a jumper as time ran out. Orlando used a strong team approach, as they didn't have any startling lines in the box-score, they also took advantage of sloppy play by the Celtics who committed 19 turnovers and sent the Magic to the foul line 44 times compared to their 26 attempts.

2. Tom Glavine - Tom Glavine, the backstabbing member of the Mets pitching staff has finally found happiness with his ex-team, the Atlanta Braves. Glavine spent five unimpressive years with the Mets compiling a record of 61 and 56 and shared mutual unappreciation with the city of New York. Last year during his chase of 300 wins, we endured Glavine's uneasy address of Met fans at Shea, not to mention more face-time for Tom Glavine's wife than that of the entire Met infield. Glavine's Met tenure culminated with the second worst outing of his career when the Mets needed him the most, giving up 5 hits 2 walks, and 7 earned runs in a third of an inning. There is no way that the hall-of-fame pitcher did this unintentionally as he probably already had visions of more tee-times with his BFF John Smoltz on his mind.

1. Houston Dynamo - Don't know much about soccer but I do know that with the Houston Dynamo defeating the New England Revolution 2-1 to win theMLS championship on Sunday, that they have prevented the New England area's bid for a clean sweep of every American team sport championship. Everyone was getting a little tired of NewEnglanders walking around so smuggly , and it's good to know that we as a nation have this Revolution defeat in our back-pockets. Although if it ever came to us having to use it I wonder what would be more annoying, Boston fans, or us resorting to using soccer as a valid American sports argument.

The End Around - 11.18.07

Colts Rebound - A week after missing the game-winning 25-yard field goal last week against the Chargers, Adam Vinatieri redeemed himself by kicking the game-winning 24-yard field goal this week against the Chiefs. Redeemed himself is probably a poor word choice. How about, "did his only job as an NFL kicker"? Either way, the Colts ended their two game losing streak and thanks in part to a Steelers' loss, appear to be in good position to secure a first-round bye in the playoffs. Surprisingly, the Indianapolis defense was impressive against the Brodie Croyle and Priest Holmes-led Chiefs despite losing Dwight Freeney for the year. We can point the finger to the Colts' newest acquisition, Simeon Rice, who tackled zero people, which was the same number of tackles Freeney made this week. An adequate replacement by all accounts.

Moss v. Owens - To no one surprise, the NFL's two top wide receivers this year continued their fantastic seasons. Owens flew by a depleted Redskins secondary for 173 yards and four touchdowns on eight receptions and the Cowboys held on to win, 28-23. Then later that night, Moss answered with 10 catches, 128 yards, and an identical four touchdowns as the Patriots toppled the Bills 56-10. As football fans, we can only hope that this continues for the remaining season so we can bare witness to a brewing rivalry unseen since Bird v. Magic or Spy v. Spy or Brown v. the Board of Education or Alien v. Predator.

On Second Thought - In a controversial game in Baltimore, the new Browns beat the old Browns 33-30 in overtime. This game featured a 51-yard field goal at the end of regulation by Phil Dawson that first ended the game and then later sent the game into overtime. The kick in question bounced off the upright, bounced on another crossbar, and then bounced into the end zone. The refs originally called the kick no good, but on insistence of another ref the kick was called yes good because it hit the support behind the field goal uprights. Players from both teams were ushered back onto the field, celebratory handshakes were revoked, and overtime began and eventually ended on a Cleveland field goal. I don't understand what the controversy was about. If Phil Dawson missed the field goal but tucked the ball before he kicked it wide right and the refs let him kick it again because of the tuck rule that would have been controversial. Or if Phil Dawson called a timeout before the kick to ice himself and kicked it anyways that would have been controversial. Or even if the holder moved the ball as Phil Dawson was about to kick it like in Peanuts cartoons that would have been controversial. But Phil Dawson made the field goal and the refs made the right call. Seemed perfectly versial to me.

Miami D'ohphins - The football season started September 6th and the Dolphins have won zero games. The basketball season started just about two weeks ago and no team has failed to win a game. Is it fair to compare these two sports? Probably not. But is it fair to let the other football teams play football against the Dolphins? Absolutely not. But Miami continues it's march towards infamy with yesterday's loss against the Eagles which was particularly distressing for Dolphin's fans. Because after taking a 7-0, the Dolphins squandered their best chance at winning by injuring Donovan McNabb halfway through the 2nd quarter. McNabb had accumulated -1 fantasy points and in 11 attempts he had only completed five passes, three to his teammates and two to the Dolphins. The Dolphins foolishly sprained McNabb's ankle and backup quarterback AJ Feeley led the Eagles to 17 unanswered points while Dolphins' starting kicker Jay Feely could only watch. Next up for the woeful Dolphins are the Pittsburgh Steelers who Miami hopes would like nothing better than to follow up a loss to the Jets with another loss.

Hire Norv Turner - Most of the headlines coming from the Chargers/Jaguars game yesterday will be about San Diego dropping their 5th game of the season by losing 24-17 in Jacksonville. We'll probably read about the ineptitude of one Norvit Turner even though the Jags won the game moreso than the Chargers lost it thanks to solid defense and continued mistake-free quarterbacking from David Garrard. Unfortunately, I'm no trendsetter. Norv has turned a 14-2 offensive juggernaut into a team who plays .500 football and gives LaDainian Tomlinson 16 carries when he should have closer to 116. And as a result, firenorvturner websites have appeared demanding his head. I've never been a fan of these websites since I'm not a fan of firing someone from a job and threatening their family's financial security. This is why I'm insted spear-heading the Hire Norv Turner movement. Perhaps if we help him find another job he's more suited for, he might just leave on his own. And with this end in mind, I've sent his reusme to numerous companies with job openings on Monster. By this time next week, Norv Turner will likely resign from his position of NFL coach and become a Systems Analyst at Lockheed Martin or a Sandwich Engineer at Subway or a Home Maker at Norv Turner's home.

Freshman Fifteen

We tried phrasing this in a way that wouldn't sound creepy, but there's no way to avoid it: we love freshmen. With graduation, early entrants and transfers, college basketball is in a constant state of flux. While the importance of veteran leadership can't be overlooked, an incoming freshman class can totally change the outlook for a team's season. So the three of us came up with an idea in which we each draft five freshmen from across the country, track their fantasy stats, and compete against each other every week. We're still working out the details (making this up as we go along) but we've laid the groundwork for a challenge we call The Freshman Fifteen. Stats are compiled from Monday to Sunday each week beginning today, and the fantasy categories are points, rebounds, assists, blocks, steals, fg%, ft% and 3-pointers made.

To fully appreciate how stupid this idea is, you have to understand how we determined the draft order. The three of us were on the phone together and we held a rock-paper-scissors tournament by yelling our choices at the same time. For some reason, this was incredibly difficult. It led to lots of confusion over when we were supposed to yell and several blatant attempts to cheat. Once it was over, Joe got to choose his draft spot first, followed by Quang and Dhivy.

Draft Results:
Michael Beasley (d)
Derrick Rose (j)
OJ Mayo (q)
Eric Gordon (q)
Johnny Flynn (j)
Kyle Singler (d)
Kevin Love (d)
Jerryd Bayless (j)
Donte Green (q)
DeAndre Jordan (q)
Patrick Patterson (j)
Nick Calathes (d)
Kosta Koufos (d)
Justin Burrell (j)
Anthony Randolph (q)

Dhivy:
Joe made an ill-advised decision and took the middle pick, while Quang foolishly selected the third pick. This gave me free run at rivals.com top freshman, Michael Beasley. His early numbers at K-State are bananas, so imagine how good he'll be once he…ripens? My only concern in making him the number one pick was how creepy this picture of him at the McDonald's All-American game was. That is by far the fattest Ronald McDonald I've ever seen. Probably because he eats so much McDonalds. Anyhoo, after Joe and Quang bumbled their picks, I quickly selected Kyle Singler and Kevin Love. Singler was the top ranked small forward out of high school, and should get plenty of open looks and steals at Duke. Love has the post moves to dominate the Pac 10 and UCLA will benefit from his defensive skills as well. This gave me a formidable front court, but I was sorely lacking in assists and was forced to reach for a guard with my next pick. I knew nothing about Nick Calathes, but based on the SportsCenter highlights I saw this morning, he's the next coming of Bobby Hurley. At least that's what I lie awake telling myself when I realize I lost out on one of the elite guards. I could've tried to find another backcourt player, but instead I solidified my stranglehold of big men by selecting Kosta Koufos from Ohio State. Quang immediately commented that my team was very white. You know what else is white? Snow. This is appropriate, because winter is coming soon and my team has prepared for the arduous months ahead. Quang and Joe on the other hand, have frittered their time away and are sure to freeze to death. On paper, my team looks like a lock to win rebounds, blocks and FG% every week. If I can get contributions elsewhere, it might be enough to prove that Joe & Quang are merely redshirts, while I am the MOP of this tournament.

Joe:
This team is not composed of the players that I typically like, there are way too many unselfish players on this squad and if this was a real team they would routinely pass away the 35 second shot clock. However there is so much talent and potential that I am beyond confident that I will win this competition easily. My first pick Derrick Rose is a player who could dominate and take over a game, but is very content to get his teammates involved, play defense and help clean up on the the glass. With Quang making a fish stick sandwich (get it... Gordon and Mayo....I'm so lame) I decided to pick up Johnny Flynn with my second pick, because i saw him drop 28 points and dish out 9 assists in his first game against Sienna. Quang scooped up two of the big men that I thought i was going to get, out of spite i picked up a THIRD awesome point guard, Jerryd Bayless who is more shoot-first than the other two guards and should be able to get me lots of points in a fast paced Arizona offense. To try and salvage my front line I was able to get Pat Patterson from Kentucky, a skilled 6'8forward who played alongside O.J. Mayo so he must be awesome. My final pick, Justin Burrell out of St. Johns is another 6'8 forward, who is strong and athletic enough to give me a presence in the rebounds and blocks categories. Yes, Burrell is only on the team because he is on St. Johns and I am a giant New York homer, but with a youth movement in Queens, Burrell should get major minutes and produce. These guys have no chance against me!

Quang:
i couldn't have constructed this team any better if i were nick nolte in blue chips. and as such, my success in this league is as assured as if i were nick nolte in blue chips. first of all, dhivy and joe foolishly let oj mayo slip to the last pick in the first round. dhivy may not be a fan of oj, but that's because "the man" has already gotten to him. i, on the other hand, have not been gotten to and therefore think oj mayo is going to have an incredible year. with my next pick it was obvious that eric gordon was the best talent left on the board so i quickly snatched him up. if we were using "controversy" as a stat category this would be a wrap. but sadly we are not. so with my 3rd and 4th round picks i selected syracuse small forward donte green and texas a&m center deandre jordan. green is tall, long, and lanky and he shoots very well while jordan is one of the dying breed of big men who actually play big. i expect them to be quite a handful for dhivy's and joe's teams. rounding out my team is lsu forward anthony randolph, who i made mr. irrelevant by selecting him with the last pick of the draft. i anticipate he's going to be the newest athletic lsu forward who doesn't do anything but dunk and block shots. these are skills that should translate very well onto my team and the system i run, specifically the "do whatever you want" system. in summary, this is a very impressive five man team. so impressive that i expect my two opponents will quit halfway through the season citing reasons like "your team makes too many threes" or "this league doesn't make any sense". regardless, not only am i certain that my team and i will win this league, i'm also certain that a nobel peace prize for basketball achievement is in our immediate future.

Whose team do you think will win? Who got the steal/bust of the draft? Go to our comments section to voice your opinion. If you take the 'pi' out of 'opinion', you get the word 'onion'.

Today's Best - 11.15.07

5. roger cossack - just when roger cossack was loading his snowboarding equipement into his suv to enjoy a nice relaxing winter, barry bonds went and got himself indicted. now, instead of getting sick air and shredding maximum snow he's forced to don his sick suit and shred this story for the next six months. while we at garbage points are not going to jump to any conclusions about bonds' guilt or innocence, the evidence clearly shows that roger is 100% guilty: of being gnarly.

4. dennis dixon - college football's bermuda triangle-like mystery surrounding it's number two ranking continued this year, as the oregon ducks lost in tucson to arizona 34-24. early in the game, quarterback dennis dixon injured his knee and the ducks weren't able to recover as brady leaf, ryan leaf's brother, took over. i guess the leaf doesn't fall far from the tree? save your boos for the rest of the list. anyways, oregon lost and now dixon's status for the rest of the season is in doubt. this likely means he is no longer the leading candidate for the heisman, but fortunately this also means he will not become the next victim of the heisman curse. somewhere yahoo! sports is furious.

3. scott boras - a-rod has agreed to an outline of a 10-year, $275 million contract with the yankees, according to reports. they are also working on the details of a clause that would allow alex to share in the marginal revenue created by his home run chase. interestingly, this was achieved without the aid of his agent scott boras who was not a part of the contract negotiations. this means scott boras is going to get about $20-30 million for not helping alex rodriguez. i've never helped alex rodriguez and all i have to show for it is this briefcase and this haircut.

2. sixth men - the spurs and mavericks were one of two nba games last night and dallas made a bold statement winning 105-92. in a post game press conference, it was revealed that the specific statement was "hey spurs, we won!" the game also pitted two of the leading sixth men candidates, horse manure ginobili and jason manure terry. ginobili finished with 25 points and added nine rebounds and seven assists while jason terry score 18 points on 7-9 shooting including 4 of 5 from three. it's apparent that both are very good players who obviously are talented enough to start, but their coaches have decided to chase awards instead of wins. and for this game at least, it looks like jason terry won the battle improving him to fifth and half man.

1. jake peavy - in a season where he joined randy johnson, doc gooden, and steve carlton as the only nl pitchers to lead the league in wins, era, and strikeouts, yesterday jake peavy was announced as the unanimous winner of the nl cy young. however, the unanimous victory should be taken with a grain of salt. because if in addition to the baseball writers' association of america, major league baseball allowed the arizona diamondbacks to vote, it's likely that last year's nl cy young, brandon webb, would have stolen a few first place votes. but that isn't the case and jake peavy becomes the 12th nl pitcher to be a unanimous selection. though i wonder if he would trade it in for a playoff berth the padres frittered away down the stretch. i'm not sure if there are pawn shops out there that offer playoff berths so i guess it's a moot point.

Joey Porter Hates America

if you're like me, you don't like joey porter. though if you're like joey porter, you're a miserable football player and a big fat jerk. and if that's the case, i don't like you or your horse-killing dogs or your six friends who helped you gang up on levi jones either. thankfully, karma has been restored, and this year joey porter is playing a key role on the winless miami dolphins, much to my delight. he has been so inconsequential thus far that we haven't really heard anything about him since he guranteed a victory against the raiders in week 4. this was a game the dolphins lost by 18 points while allowing daunte culpepper to rush for three scores and pass for another two. strangely, neither the dolphins nor the raiders have won since this game, which further proves my theory that joey porter ruins things.

but finally, the point. as you may know, ricky williams was recently reinstated by the league and has been spotted around the dolphins' complex. this is either what the dolphins call their training facility or the psychological phenomena that causes them to do things like not drafting brady quinn, trading for a pre-concussed trent green, and letting mercury morris answer questions about teams who could go undefeated. either way, for illogical reasons only beknownst to them, someone decided to ask joey porter what he thought about this, specifically whether he'd accept ricky williams back onto the team. porter's response was enlightening.

"Yeah I would. We're 0-9. I'd welcome bin Laden if he could run the ball like Ricky did."

i don't even know where to begin. how about: "if you're like me, you don't like joey porter. though if you're like joey porter, you think letting terrorists play for your football your team is a good idea." it's never a good sign when the person who is 3rd on the fbi's most wanted fugitive list is first on your team's most wanted running back list. but fortunately for the dolphins and the united states and the people that run the terror alert scale who would have had to start using colors from 64-packs of crayloa crayons if osama bin laden played football, joey porter doesn't make the decisions in miami. because if he did, not only would our current threat level rise to cerulean or burnt sienna or razzle dazzle rose, but the dolphins would also field a team consisting of bin laden, john wilkes booth, cruella de vil, and the ebola virus. and instead of punting on fourth downs, the dolphins would always run trick plays where they burn flags and root against brett favre. it would be madness.

anyways, it's obvious that joey porter wasn't seriously considering flying bin laden in for a tryout, but i'm mocked outraged the same. mainly because i don't like joey porter. but for his sake, i'm hopeful that joey porter's wish of playing football with osama bin laden comes true. when roger goodell bans him from the nfl forever because of these inane comments, forcing him to sign with the al-qaeda terminaedas. if not, joey porter will continue to play in the nfl against true americans. the terrorists have already won.

Today's Best 11.14.07

5. Ricky Williams - Maybe third times a charm. Ricky Williams has been reinstated once again to the NFL after serving his second ban for marijuana use. The 0-8 Miami Dolphins have an interesting decision to make now that the former bruising back is available. The Dolphins have already indicated that they are entering operation 0-16 full steam ahead by announcing that they will be starting rookie QB John Beck out ofBYU for the last 7 games I personally believe that if you're going to be in super tank mode, you have no choice but to hire slackers.Overacheivers in this case, are far to detrimental to progress. With Beck's immaturity under center and Ricky taking weed-naps in the backfield the Fish as a franchise are a lock to have both an undefeated and a win-less team.

4. Golden State Warriors - The Sonics and the T-Wolves just set the Warriors up for some serious bragging rights in the future. Both teams snapped their long winless streaks last night with the Sonics riding a balanced effort to overthrow the woeful heat in Dwayne Wade's first game back from shoulder surgery and the Timberwolves feeding off of Rashard McCants 33 point detonation to spoil Ron Artest's return engagement after suspension. Now when the Warriors, get Stephen Jackson back from suspension, realize that their team is loaded with talent and begin their playoff surge starting with a potentially therapeutic East coast road trip, they can feed off of the fact that they were the NBA's last winless team this year.

3. Cowboys, Texans and Horses - Before coaching his team to a victory against the Rockets, Phil Jackson reacting to the swarm of controversy that came about from his calling the Laker's loss to the Spurs a "Brokeback Mountain Game" due to the amount of penetration and kickouts, made a complete mockery of the politically correct apology. Phil said that if he had offended any "Cowboys, Texans or Horses or anybody else that would be offended by the comments, I'd like to apologize." Cowboys, Texans and Horses got their apology and Phil was able to bring levity to the situation due to the fact that the same crowd of reporters laughing hysterically at his comments when they were said would presumably be the group that bands together to persecute him in the media.

2. Lebron James - With his monster 39 point 13 rebound and 13 assist game in an overtime loss against the Magic, Lebron James became the first player to record that many points, rebounds and assists in a game since Wilt Chamberlain in 1968. Lebron has to do everything himself in order for this team to remain competitive. Although I couldn't find any information on the stats that Wilt accrued in the game that he got more points, rebounds and assists, i found some interesting things that Lebron can do to match Wilt that would be equally amazing, yet doable for someone of Lebron's talent. He could get a double triple double, which consists of having 20 or more points, rebounds and assists, or he could have a double quadruple, meaning he could get 40 or more points along with 40 or more rebounds. Or Lebron should just go for the glory and match Wilt's 20,000 number.

1. Tennessee - With top programs falling left and right to inferior competition across the college basketball landscape, it is refreshing to see a good old fashioned stomping out by one of the nations top-ranked schools. The Volunteers, led by transfer Tyler Smith delivered a 57 point (101-44) white-washing of the Arkansas-Monticello Boll Weevils, a division two program, in the first round of the StubHub Legends classic. I suspect that Tennessee coach. Bruce Pearl made threats to his team along the lines of coaching every game in full body paint or having Pat Summit be head cheerleader at all home games to get his team motivated, an example of a coaching being a process, carried over from year to year.

Game of the Weak

tonight's nba schedule features a full and diverse set of games. but there is one in particular that caught my eye. is it dwight howard and the upstart magic facing lebron james' cavaliers? could it be the kobe's lakers taking on the upstart houston rockets? or perhaps it's the upstart celtics looking to extend their record to 7-0 to upstart the season? on any other night, i'd be delighted to watch either of those games, but not tonight. because tonight the 0-8 sonics visit the 1-6 miami heat. robert swift guarding a lethargic shaq? durant versus ricky davis? johan petro guarding a lethargic shaq? dwyane wade's newest suit? nick collison guarding a lethargic shaq? chris wilcox and udonis haslem braiding each other's hair? kurt thomas guarding a lethargic shaq? smush parker and chris quinn as backup point guards? a lethargic shaq? penny hardaway and damien wilkins starting? sign me up twice. uh, just in case my first sign up is misplaced.

the sonics are currently 6-point underdogs, though i think a more appropriate line would be any viewers of this game as a 20-point favorite. but i'm not an oddsmaker, i'm only odd. either way, the heat come into this game 0-3 at home while the sonics have similar 0-4 records at their home and at everyone else's. the average scores of games that the sonics and heat have played so far are opponent - 107.9, sonics - 97.4 and opponent - 89.3, heat - 83.3. so which team can impose its will on the other? specifically, will the sonics lose in an uptempo, high-scoring game or will the heat lose in a stop and go, traffic jam-like game? but before we try to predict what happens tonight, let's examine how each of these teams got here. because as they say, those who forget history are doomed to play mark blount.

the heat's season so far could be best described as "woeful at best". they are currently averaging 3 fewer points than the 2nd lowest scoring team and have only once, in a game against the suns, broke 90 points. last night, the heat lost by 15 to the bobcats. this was the second time charlotte has beaten miami this year and at this rate, the heat will lose to primoz brezec and the bobcats over 23 times this season. the elias sports bureau has confirmed that this would be a league record. and as if things weren't going bad enough, pat riley had this to say about last night's loss:

"I guarantee you I should suit up. I'd play better than some of them right now. I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."

now heat players have to worry about looking over their shoulders for a delusional coach eager to steal their minutes. seriously, if pat riley actually thinks he can play effective basketball right, now not only is he off his rocker, he's off my rocker. if he played himself for five minutes he'd miss 70 shots and turn the ball over 35 times before fouling out and trying to coach his team out of a 450-4 hole in the next three and a half quarters. hopefully that doesn't happen because there is hope for this team. they've allowed the 2nd fewest points in the league up to this point and more importantly, dwyane wade is going to play soon. simple arithemetic says that once the heat add his 27 points per game to their current 83 points per game, they'll average like 110 points a game! so unless the heat are 1-80 by the time wade returns, i like their chances to make the playoffs.

the sonics outlook this year is a little less cheery. so far, they've played like a team that was hoping to secure a top two draft pick so they could select kevin durant. bad news sonics, you already drafted kevin durant, he's the guy taking 80% of your team's shots. but with that said, the sonics haven't been as bad as advertised. durant seems to be adjusting well and chris wilcox has been a pleasant surprise. also, if you throw out last night's blowout loss to the magic, they've been highly competitive in every game this year. and if you throw out every game this year, the sonics are undefeated. more seriously, the sonics' biggest problem is their inability to close out games. again, ignoring their last game, through the first three quarters, the average score has been opponents - 80, sonics - 78. in the fourth quarter though, seattle has been generally outscored 28-22. once durant learns how to finish games and once they make a firm decision on their cerberus-like point guard rotation, the sonics will improve. but looking at seattle's upcoming schedule, if they don't win this game tonight, it's very possible that they don't win a game for another three years as the oklahoma city disorder. though maybe the sonics have been purposely losing with the hope that oklahoma city decides they don't want an nba team. and if that's what it takes to keep basketball in seattle, i hope they never win another game and the sonics trade kevin durant to the wizards for a 2nd round draft pick.

anyways, as evident, my excitement over this mediocre game is unreasonably high. my prediction: everyone wins. except for the heat, who lose by 3 because pat riley inserts himself into the starting lineup.