Today's Best - 02.28.08

5. miami offensive rebounding opportunities - as is the case when you miss 55 shots, there are plenty of chances to rebound your misses. unfortunately, as typical of the heat this year, they didn't capitalize. and instead of the heat scoring second chance points, the heat allowed a lot of first chance points to the lakers as los angeles had four players finished with at least 11 rebounds. on the bright side heat for heat fans, the heat are the worst team in the league and have the inside track on michael beasley. beasley would quickly make the heat relevant and might even convince dwyane wade to hang around past 2009.

4. nfl free agents - nfl free agency starts today and it looks like there are many players hoping to cash in. i think nfl free agency is a little overrated. the only time it seems to work out really well is if the player signed with new england. otherwise, far too many marquee free agent signings end in disappointment of some sort. and this isn't helped by the fact that most teams franchise their best players which leaves a thinner talent pool in free agency and fewer noteworthy transactions. but maybe i'm just bitter because i've been sitting by my phone since midnight waiting for an offer that doesn't seem to be coming.

3. devin harris - harris played his first game for new jersey since being traded and led the nets with 21 points in a 120-106 win over the bucks. meanwhile, the mavs fell 97-94 to the defending champion spurs and jason kidd sat out the decisive play of the game. luckily, jason kidd had company on the bench as juwan howard also sat out the decisive play of the game as well as the remaining plays of the game too.

2. california college basketball teams playing in arizona - yesterday 4th ranked ucla easily dispatched arizona state, 70-49. interestingly, this game pitted ucla forward josh shipp against his younger brother jerren. jerren shipp has not yet won a between the two of them and is probably on his way to tell on him to their parents. hopefully, ucla avoids arizona state in the pac-10 tournament because if they do play, it's likely josh will be miss the game due to parents decision. not to be outdone, in a game between two tournament bubble teams, usc knocked off arizona, in tuscon, 70-58. this game featured a head-to-head matchup between two star freshman in oj mayo and jerryd bayless, who scored 20 and eight points respectively. it also featured an arizona fan throwing a water bottle at sc's bench resulting in arizona coach kevin o'neill scolding the responsible party. there should be no tolerance for this type of behavior so i found this to be a welcome stoppage of play. the only way it could have been better is if someone dumped a bucket of gatorade on coach o'neill during his speech.

1. mlb sportsmanship - yesterday there were three spring training games scheduled that were played against college teams, washington-georgetown, boston-boston college, and boston-northeastern. all told, major league baseball teams won 55-0 and allowed a total of eight hits to their scholarly opponents. in two games, boston's 15-0 and 24-0 victories, the games were over after the top of the seventh, presumably due to some sort of mercy rule. this begs two questions: why would anyone ever not go pro immediately? and, what does anyone gain from these games? hopefully in the future, one of these games results in a bench-clearing brawl. or college players doing homework while on base.

Clemens Party Pitchers!

i know i'm horribly late on this, put i couldn't pass up another chance to talk about the hilarious misadventures of roger clemens. like most of you know, one of the many interesting sub-plots of the clemens-mcnamee saga revolves around an alleged party at jose canseco's house. well, the party itself wasn't alleged, by all accounts it took place and by some accounts it was "...awesome, bro!! wooo!!". however, what was alleged was roger clemens' attendance at said party. brian mcnamee claims that clemens was there, clemens claims he wasn't. clemens' nanny may have been chasing around kids if you believe mcnamee, or she may have been at home if you prep her before she testifies. anyways, the back and forth continued with seemingly no end in sight as if this were an episode of "my super sweet 16". last weekend however, reports surfaced that pictures of roger clemens at jose canseco's miami house party possibly exist. i thought that this was terrific news and i immediately sought out to find this evidence. and thanks to my endless supply of resources, i've been able to successfully track down these exclusive pictures. here they are in all their perjury.

things got off to a rather innocent start. looks like all that batting practice roger clemens put in is finally paying off. also paying off: a piñata filled with hundreds of syringes.

here's a picture of roger hanging out in the shriveled pall pit. nothing about this picture makes sense. why is this ball pit so deep? why is roger clemens' face so pained? whose kids are these?

not even baseball's second most prolific strikeout pitcher can say no to a theme party. here's roger with some friends in togas. other theme parties that i'm sure roger clemens frequents include 80's parties, where he wears a red sox hat and fewer pimples on his back, and republican parties, where republican senators fall in love with him and grill brian mcnamee.

if there's one person who parties hardier than jose canseco and roger clemens it's probably nintendo's prodigal son, mario mario. this is like mario's eighth party in 10 years! of course, i bet this was the only party mario's been to where princess toad compared her boob job to debbie clemens'.

apparently one of the perks of being a rich baseball player is that you own a big enough house to put a chuck e. cheese's in it. speaking of which, it's time congress opens up an investigation on this charles cheese and examines the root of his unusual continued success. the average mouse lives about one-to-two years, is measured by length in inches, and does not have a middle name. charles entertainment cheese turns 31 this year and is enormous.

as the old adage sometimes goes, you've got to fight for your right to party. and besides, what's party without random acts of rebellion against great britain? here's clemens and a few friends throwing bats and boxes of tea overboard just to show their british oppressors what they think of those darn stamp and townshend acts. take that, the queen of england.

so there you have it. feel free to draw your own conclusions, especially if the actual pictures ever emerge. personally, i don't think these or the real photos will unequivocally prove that jose canseco supplied clemens with steroids or anything else. but it will prove that roger clemens was not out golfing at the time of the party like he'd have you believe and was instead enjoying what appears to be the most fun party i've ever seen in my life.

Today's Best - 02.25.08

5. darren mcfadden - i usually don't pay too much attention to the pro football combine and this year was no exception. i know prospects work very hard to prepare, but for whatever reason, i'm just very rarely interested in what happens. and this is from someone who loves minor league prospects and nba rookies. anyways, from what i could tell this year's biggest winner was darren mcfadden. he ran a blistering 4.33 40 and more importantly was the only player whose 40 time i cared to read about.

4. the detroit pistons - on friday, the pistons became the second nba team to reach 40 wins with a 127-100 win over milwaukee. on sunday, the pistons became the second nba team to reach 41 wins with a 116-86 win over the new look phoenix suns. if the pistons continue to score this easily and the celtics might have some company atop the eastern conference. similarly, if the pistons continue to win by thirty, this might make for a very uninteresting playoffs. hopefully, rasheed wallace plays the rest of the shooting with his left hand.

3. new and old cavs - on the heels of their mega-deal on thursday and due to an assortment of injuries, the cavs were forced to sign two d-league players to meet the minimum roster requirements in a game against the wizards. apparently, lebron james is either better than we all thought or the wizards are much, much worse because the cavs won 90-89. cleveland got a tremendous boost from damon jones who scored 27 points. i can't decide if this means i never should have opened my big yap about damon jones in the first place or if i should have opened it wider. yesterday, the cavs four new players finally were cleared to play and which meant damon jones returned to his usual role of player who bothers me from the bench and not the basketball court. it's tough to draw any conclusions from a game against one of the worst teams in the league, but i was somewhat impressed regardless. delonte west shot poorly but was a willing and able passer, joe smith showed off his ability to hit mid-range jumpers, wally szczerbiak hit a pair of threes, and ben wallace finished with a double-double, the first of his career. and late in the fourth, in one sequence ben wallace dunked putting the cavs up 16 and then forced a five-second violation. the cavs got the ball back and the grizzlies never threatened again. of course, they didn't really threaten at all in the second half.

2. tiger woods - on sunday, the final round of the accenture match play championship ended with tiger woods getting spoils. having once applied for a job at accenture, i think i know first hand how hard it is to win a golf tournament that they sponsor. or maybe i would if they ever called me back. anyways, yesterday tiger topped stewart cink with an 8-and-7 victory which was the largest, and losing, margin in the final match in the history of this event. for those of you who don't know what an 8-and-7 victory in match play means, i think it's when one golfer hits eight hole-in-ones while the other golfer quietly weeps in seven different sand traps. anyways, with this victory tiger woods moves past arnold palmer for 4th all-time in tour victories. he is now only 19 wins away from sam snead's pga tour record 82 wins, a record i fully expect tiger will break this easter sunday.

1. denver's summer break plans - last thursday, denver stood idly by as the trade deadline passed without making a significant move. while other western conference teams indulged in the trading frenzy, the nuggets eschewed a kleiza-artest deal and instead stood pat. this was apparently a theme this weekend, because in their two games, the nuggets spent much of their time standing pat as their opponents ran them up and down the court. on friday, the nuggets surrendered 135 points to a impotent bulls offense. then on saturday, denver coughed up a 23-point lead and lost to milwuakee 115-109. in both games it was obvious that the nuggets could have used ron artest's perimeter defense. they allowed 37 points to ben gordon and then 42 points to michael redd. they also could have used ron artest's crazy becuase if there was one thing denver's two losses was missing, it was bulls and bucks fans getting punched in the face. currently, the nuggets are tied with golden state for the final playoff spot. i'm not sure what the tiebreaker rules are but unless it's whichever team came closest to trading for ron artest, the nuggets could be in trouble.

Today's Best - 02.21.08

5. ryan howard - yesterday, the phillies slugger was awarded $10 million in his salary arbitration case against the team. this was the highest salary every awarded to a player who won their case though last year alfonso soriano was also awarded $10 million in a losing effort. i've always wanted to be a fly on the wall during a typical arbitration hearing just because i'm very curious how it usually goes. well, flies are kind of gross. maybe just a person on the wall, who can fly. oh man that'd be so cool. back to the topic at hand, from how i understand arbitration, it seems like a player makes a case for why he deserves a certain amount of money and his team makes a case for why the player stinks. maybe there's more to it. like arm wrestling or the judge allowing 10 minutes for each side to come up with "yo momma" jokes.

4. spurs fans - last night, the spurs clipped the timberwolves, 100-99 thanks to a jumper with six seconds left by human ginobili who led the spurs with 44 points. and to continue my trend of never giving ginobili credit, note that he missed 5-of-18 shots. had he hit all of these, this game would have been decided long ago. and on top of that he even missed a free throw! uh, manu, they're called "free" throws for a reason. now that i've gotten my "bash ginobili for no reason" fix we can talk about the fact that spurs fans have the least stressful team to watch. there was not a moment in that game that i thought the spurs were going to lose. it was inevitable. i wonder what it's like to cheer for a team knowing they won't ever blow it. is it even fun? the answer is obviously yes.

3. baby miner - last night, the rockets capped a very busy day with a 112-100 win over the less busy miami heat. earlier, houston swung one trade that shipped off bonzi wells and mike james for bobby jackson and another one that sent kirk snyder to minnesota for gerald green. the rockets have been playing well enough lately that i think if they manage to make the playoffs it will be less about these trades and more about carl landry dunking all the time. but the most interesting aspect about these trades to me is the rockets acquiring houston native gerald green, who i think is quickly becoming the new harold miner. if you don't remember harold miner, he was potential personified. in his rookie year he won the slam dunk contest, then in his third year he won it again. after that season he was traded and played only 19 more games in his nba career. so far, gerald green's career path has been eerily similar. this is now his third team in less than a season's worth of games and i want to see if another change of scenery will help him avoid flaming out a la miner. though i'm not sure the rockets can afford to give gerald green playing time while they fight for they're in the thick of a competitive playoff race. this means we'll likely never see someone do the cupcake dunk during a game. but if gerald green just ate a cupcake during a game that'd be almost as good to me.

2. brary bodns - sometime last week, a report surfaced that in a filing by prosecutors for barry bonds' perjury trial he failed a drug test in 2001. the sports world was abuzz, but the next day it was discovered that this was a typo as they actually meant he failed a drug test in 2000. bonds' defense is now claiming that these typos have compromised his chance for a fair trial and have filed a complaint. likewise, i expect to receive a similar complaint from bonds' team about the typos on this site very soon. anyways, because i'm not well-versed in law, i have no clue what the result could be if this complaint is accepted. it seems kind of ridiculous to throw out an entire case just because of a few typos. unless there were additional typos throughout the original document where "barry bonds" was accidentally misspelled as "roger clemens", i doubt this is going to go very far. trust me, i complain constantly, and best thing that's ever happened as a result was one time at ruby tuesday's when someone spit on a steak that i sent back to get re-cooked.

1. lebron's new teammates - the real winners of yesterday's nba trade deadline were not any specific teams, but all of the players who now get to play alongside lebron james. after missing out on mike bibby and jason kidd, cleveland gm danny ferry burned up phone lines trying to appease his lone star player. his efforts weren't in vain as he managed to pull of a 3-team, 11-player deal. all told, the cavs sent off drew gooden, larry hughes, ira newble, donyell marshall, cedric simmons and got back ben wallace, joe smith, wally szczerbiak, and delonte west. i'm sure cleveland's jersey guy is currently burning up phone lines himself trying to figure out if he has enough letters in stock to spell "szczerbiak". regardless, it's hard not to like this trade for cleveland. at only the cost of several members of the worst supporting cast in the league, lebron gets some new and better functioning toys to play with. it's like danny ferry threw away lebron's old hungry hungry hippos game that was missing all but two marbles and bought him rock-em sock-em robots. sure it's not the best toy in the world, but at least you don't have to use fruit loops in lieu of marbles when you play it. but overall, i'm not sure this is quite enough to push them past boston or detroit. of course, i'm not going to be the one who counts out lebron james. or wally scerbak.

2008 NBA All-Star Weekend: Far East Meets West

now that we are a few days removed from the 2008 all-star weekend, i think i can say for certain that by all accounts it was a terrific success for both the nba and more importantly, new orleans. and though there's obviously still more work ahead, it at least seems like there is hope and optimism in a city that only a few years ago had little. and impressively, while lending their extended support to the rebuilding effort in new orleans, the nba even managed to put on a great show. because between the different all-star games and events there was hardly a dull moment. but if i was forced to choose one thing that "stood" above all else throughout the all-star weekend, i think i'd have to go with jet li, who despite being the opposite height of most basketball players is apparently chummy with many of them.

as seen above, pictures of jet li enjoying the all-star game were not in short supply this weekend. in every new orleans nook and cranny, you could find jet chatting up an nba all-star. what were they talking about? why was he only talking to western conference all-stars? why was i so curious about this? as the visual evidence mounted, i became more convinced that the action star was using all-star weekend as a forum to pitch his various movie ideas to basketball players. here's my best guess as to what these ideas were.

rush hour 2, 2 - i'm sure jet li expressed interest in this project to an assortment of different players since it makes so much sense. hopefully it happens. because in my opinion, there aren't enough remakes of sequels.

twins too: taller - similar to the original, yao and jet li are twins separated at birth. they blossom into superstars in basketball and martial arts and eventually reunite. the rest of the movie is yao and jet finding themselves in humorous situations. situations that occur when jet li asks, "oh no, how am i supposed to be at a photo shoot and a movie premiere at the same time? ...wait a second... yao, you can go for me!!"

junior 2 - admittedly, there are probably hundreds of movies that would make more sense. but for some reason, i think it'd be really funny if jet li was really obsessed with arnold schwarzenegger and danny devito movies. almost as funny as arnold schwarzenegger and danny devito movies themselves. seriously, a pregnant man?! now i've seen everything!

white men and the temple of doom - here's steve nash sharing his idea for a summer blockbuster. if it's anything like its predecessors, my interest is piqued. not only would the movie feature steve nash as woody harrelson and jet li as short round, it would feature a two-on-two team composed of a white guy and a short asian guy beating people at basketball and then going on adventures that involve a rail car.

shanghaiami vice - "my giant" might be the first thing that comes to mind, but i doubt yi wants to get typecast so early in his young, or allegedly old, career. plus, it'd be a waste to not capitalize on these adorable suits.

pulp fiction - this isn't a movie idea so much as it's what i hope yao was saying to jet li when this photo was taken.

Today's Best - 02.19.08

5. jared dudley - in yesterday's spurs-bobcats game, charlotte rookie jared dudley was the only player who made at least half his shots. strangely, he was also the bobcat who had the lowest +/- as the bobcats. what does this mean? it means the spurs won 85-65 and held charlotte to an unbelievable 28.2 percent shooting. only a few weeks ago, it seemed like san antonio was being written off. but sure enough it appears as if the reports of their demise were greatly exaggerated and they were apparently just rounding into form. i know it's kind of silly to draw conclusions from a single game against the bobcats, but if the spurs either hold the rest of their opponents under 30 percent shooting or only play the bobcats for the rest of the year, they'll probably repeat as nba champs.

4. the player most likely to be traded by thursday - ron artest helped the kings beat the tepid blazers 105-94 and in the process showed why he would be an asset to any team. this win came only a few days after artest expressed interest in remaining in sacramento past the trade deadline. the kings have already traded mike bibby away and appear ready to hand over the franchise to kevin martin, shelden williams, and a slew of expiring contracts so i have to think something else is also in the works for artest. even if he says he'd like to remain in sacramento. currently, denver has been rumored to be the front runner for artest's services and i for one think this would be a terrific trade. he'd provide an immediate boost defensively to a team that's already among the most physical in the league. plus, a nuggets lineup featuring iverson, artest, carmelo, kenyon, and camby would likely be the most intimidating in the league. and if there's anything i'd like to see in the second half of the season, it's denver opponents intimidating into scoring on their own baskets.

3. the well rested knicks - the knicks were one of a few teams that did not have a single player involved in any regard during the all-star weekend. i'm sure they had a nice extended break spent relaxing and not giving a blank about these white people because in an overtime game in dc, the knicks scored 23 points and beat the wizards 113-100. the knicks scored as many points in the final five minutes as they scored in the 12 minutes of quarters 1, 2, and 4. they fell short of the record of most points in an overtime, but did manage to score the exact same amount of points in four different periods which i think is just as neat. the wizards meanwhile have lost nine of their final 10 games and two of three this year against new york. but there is hope, because yesterday gilbert arenas was cleared to practice. and though he's probably a few weeks away from returning, i expect the wizards will lose every game from now until then. this means of course that they will somehow move up the woeful eastern conference standings.

2. the durant-less sonics - kevin durant missed last night's game against grizzlies, the sonics' peers in the western conference cellar, with the flu. yet despite missing their most celebrated player, the sonics maanged to erase a 19-point, third quarter deficit to beat memphis 108-101. seattle now improves to 1-0 in games that durant doesn't play this season and 13-38 in games that he did. and for those of you who think this is too small a sample size to prove that the sonics are better off without durant, consider that since 1968 seattle is 1726-1523, for a .531 winning percentage, in all games durant didn't play. of course, since i doubt many of those 1,726 wins came against teams whose centers were the darko milicic, jason collins, and kwame brown, i guess i'll wait a few more days before starting a trade durant petition. and in case you were wondering, darko was 2-of-8 from the field, collins fouled out, and coaches decided to not play kwame brown.

1. 2008 all-star mvps - in a 93-85 setback against houston, cleveland's lebron james recorded his fifth triple-double of the season and the fifteenth of triple-double of his career. just to clairfy, both of those were the same triple-double not two separate ones in the same game. anyways, he finished with 26 points, 13 rebounds, and 11 assists. of major concern to cavs fans should be the fact that in sunday's all-star game he scored 27 points against much better players. logically, this means against the battiers, alstons and bonzis of the league, he should be going off for 60, easy. but it appears lebron is resigned to just play down to his competition for the remainder of the season. what a waste of talent. anyways, the most interesting i read about lebron was his all-star dunk late in the game over a gaggle of west players was because he was "mad at dirk because he stole my point guard". because of this i think we're in for a relatively dull trading deadline as gms do their best to avoid upsetting lebron by stealing any other players from the cavs.

Today's Best - 02.18.08

5. andy pettitte - yesterday yankees pitcher andy pettitte held a press conference to talk about his use of human growth hormone. for an hour or so, he answered any and all questions regarding his past use while taking the opportunity to apologize profusely to everyone. and although pettitte didn't address what he told congress regarding roger clemens, it still seems like he's coming out smelling like roses. or at least smelling like a different flower that didn't smell as good as roses and was forced to take hgh out of desperation. anyways, generally these press conferences involve players apologizing without once mentioning what they did. so to me, it's very refreshing to see a player being so candid. unfortunately, we're in an era where it's safe to assume that this high a level of candidness this late in one's career is likely due to steroids.

4. a fool and his money - with no nba games scheduled and with no new episode of american gladiators monday night, college basketball was the only game in town, unless your town watches hockey. mine does not. anyways, last night featured a texas-texas a&m game that was a longhorn blowout and a hard fought louisville win over an up and down syracuse team. additionally, georgetown won, xavier won, and saint mary's won. i could go in more depth about what happened in each game, but come march madness it won't matter. especially because i've already decided to bet on st mary's under any circumstances.

3. eric gagne's family - yesterday former cy young winner eric gagne, apparently unimpressed by andy pettitte, apologized to his family, friends, and teammates for being a distraction. yet for whatever reason, he failed to address why he was being a distraction, which is becoming a common practice for baseball players facing steroid accusations. it's quite a leap of faith to take this brief statement as a tacit admission of guilt, but what else can we infer if he refuses to elaborate? anyways, since these statements are so trendy, the most interesting thing i got from gagne's apology was the fact that from what i can tell, he didn't mention his fans. i think it's fair to assume this is a tacit admission that he has no fans.

2. nick fazekas - last week when the initial jason kidd trade was announced nick fazekas was probably more than a little excited that the future hall of famer was joining the mavericks. but thanks to saboteurs jerry stackhouse and devean george, the trade had to be reconfigured. and unfortunately, a fazekas-kidd duo just wasn't in the stars. in fact, it doesn't appear a fazekas-any dallas maverick duo is in the stars because tomorrow nick fazekas is expected to be cut in order to make room on the roster for keith van horn who will be immediately traded to the nets. so not a week after buying a jason kidd fat head, fazekas is now unemployed. and because of this, i expect tomorrow, jerry stackhouse and devean george will both receive nice going away presents from nick fazekas. presents that involve their cars being towed.

1. college football players getting suspended six months before the season starts - lsu back-up quarterback ryan perrilloux was suspended indefinitely yesterday for the always ambiguous "violation of team rules". naturally, an explanation this vague invites wild speculation as to which team rule was violated. my money's on rule 3, "don't tickle coach miles". in a similar story about a far less important player, tennessee punter britton colquitt was suspended for five games and had his scholarship rescinded for a recent arrest on charges of driving under the influence and leaving the scene of an accident. these were both violations of tennessee's team rules and also violations of the law's rules. interestingly, britton is the younger brother of nfl punter dustin colquitt and is apparently the fourth member of his family to punt for the volunteers. and if i had to deal with the incessant text messages from my family telling me to "punt it farther next time" or "remember: don't outkick your coverage, love mom" i'd probably drink excessively too.

Damon Jones: Today's Worst - 08.25.76 to Present

this weekend, the nba's all-star game continued to prove why it's the premier all-star event in all sports. on display was the dunking, shooting, and caring that makes the nba so popular. unfortunately, also on display was damon jones. on the list of things i saw too much of this weekend, damon jones ranked first, with commercials for "house of payne" a distant second. it must drive david stern crazy that every year as he's trying to coordinate an all-star game, damon jones shows up, trips over extension cords, accidentally unplugs the scoreboard, and takes a dump in the commissioner's private bathroom. and if it doesn't, i'm sure it drives me crazy enough for the both of us.

although there are plenty of nba players who aren't particularly good, most of them don't spend the all-star weekend bothering their peers who are. all-star games should be a celebration of good basketball that provides an avenue for the nba to give back to their loyal fans. as such, they should never, ever involve damon jones, a miserable player who only celebrates himself and his brand of unproductive basketball and whose only contributions to the fans are turnovers and missed shots that result in hundreds of basketballs in the stands. damon jones is horrible. this isn't a new development to most people. nor is it something that would appear on espnews' bottom ticker as "breaking news: damon jones sucks". seriously, there were hundreds of thousands of people in new orleans this weekend and only two were glad to see damon jones. one was damon jones and the other was the cab driver who took damon jones to the airport before his flight back. that's it.

let me explain that this is not a problem i have with players coming to the all-star game uninvited. dikembe mutombo is always a welcome and familiar face as a courtside spectator even though he hasn't been an all-star since 2002. but mutombo is also one of the most active nba players in the community. damon jones on the other hand, is one of the most inactive nba players on his team. truthfully, i have no idea what charities damon jones is involved in. but based on what i've seen, he's more likely to wreck a house than he is to help build one. so this isn't animosity towards players who attend the all-star game, just towards the worst player who does.

david stern has his stuff together, so i'm sure that over the past few seasons, the nba has gone to great lengths to make sure damon jones doesn't know what city is hosting the all-star game. yet every year like clockwork, damon jones appears grinning from ear to ear as if people actually enjoy his company. needless to say, this is a situation that should be remedied sooner rather than later. i'm not too keen on watching another all-star weekend while having to cheer against things that will make damon jones appear on my television. anyways, since i don't have anything better to do than to come up with solutions to my trivial problems, i have finalized a simple, fool-proof plan that will keep damon jones and the all-star weekend two mutually exclusive events. step one, change the 2009 nba all-star game wikipedia article so that it says the game will be played in egypt and not phoenix. that's the only step. because if i know damon jones, he'll be forced to use the internet to find out where the all-star game is since no one else will tell him. luckily, the first result from googling "2009 all-star game" is a wikipedia article that is readily editable. then while damon jones is on a 25-hour flight to cairo and then a 25-hour flight back once he realizes he's been had, the all-star game will be able to proceed completely unmolested and free of ugly suits. well, ugly suits not worn by craig sager. (wink!)

Today's Best - 02.13.08

5. versatility - on a night that jason kidd didn't play, players across the league picked up his slack. carlos boozer recorded his first career triple-double with 22 points, 11 reobounds, and 10 assists while lamar odom finished with 10 points, 16 rebounds, and 10 assists for his 12th career triple-double. additionally, three other players came very close to triple-doubles of their own. andre iguodala had 29 points, eight rebounds, and eight assists; detroit's amir johnson had eight points, nine rebournds, and seven blocks; and antonio daniels had nine points, eight rebounds, and seven assists. interestingly, each of these players' teams won. this further proves my theory that being a good basketball player is good for your team. unfortunately, it also disproved my theory that players who lie to blind people do not get triple-doubles.

4. stan van gundy - after the monday night's loss to cleveland, magic coach stan van gundy publicly challenged dwight howard. among other things van gundy said that howard needed to make a more concerted effort to focus on defense. it was a bold move by van gundy especially considering that sloppy, mustachioed coaches are much easier to replace than franchise big men. but it seems to have paid off as dwight howard responded with 23 points and 24 rebounds in a 109-98 win against the nuggets. this likely means that in addition to dwight howard make a concerted effort to focus on defense every game, stan van gundy will also make a concerted effort to criticize dwight howard after every game. as such, last night dwight howard was so dumb that it took him two hours to watch 60 minutes. and he was also so ugly that when he was born, the doctor slapped his mother. anyways, expect the ugly, dumb dwight howard to go off for 50 and 50 next game.

3. ginobody - because i'm a spiteful and petty person, i promised myself that i will never heap praise on manu ginobili no matter what. therefore, today i won't mention the 46 points he scored on 15-of-20 shooting which included 8-of-11 from three in a 112-105 win in cleveland. instead let's talk about how the career-high 2.8 turnovers he's averaging per game that currently leads all nba players who don't start. which means in this regard, horse manure ginobili is actually the worst sixth man in the entire league. worse than malik allen!

2. memphis - last night, the number one memphis tigers won their 24th game 68-59 in hard fought game against the houston cougars. houston played admirably but ultimately couldn't overcome the fact that the tigers shot 42 free throws while the cougars shot twice. but to be fair, the cougars committed 19 fouls in the final minute while trying to extend the game. anyways, with every win the tigers get closer to a perfect season, which is my way of saying something plainly obvious while trying to pass it off as insight. but while memphis' college basketball team has been in the midst of a terific season, memphis' professional basketball team has been struggling. so far, the grizzlies have won 10 fewer games than the tigers. since trading pau gasol, the grizzlies have won a single game, which is generally what you can expect when you trade away your second best player and get kwame browm in return. though it's also what you can expect when you trade away anyone and get kwame brown in return. but with the grizzlies season going nowhere except sportscenter highlights that feature rudy gay jumping over the moon and running away with the spoon, i think it's time kwame brown gets that college education he should have gotten seven years ago. plus, with kwame brown in the mix, the memphis tigers would become the prohibitive favorites to win the ncaa tourney. or at least the favorites to violate several ncaa regulations by starting a professional basketball player.

1. devean george - yesterday afternoon, jason kidd appeared to be on his way back to dallas in a seven player trade. but in a surprise development before last night's 96-76 victory over portland, devean george, one of the five mavericks that was to be sent to jersey, told the team that he was going to block the trade. impressively, this means devean george is only two more blocked trades from matching his season total of blocked shots. in spite of this news, devean george started in place of an injured josh howard and even managed to match howard's production as neither howard nor george scored a point nor made a basket. this probably didn't endear himself to the already angry dallas crowd. anyways, in the end i expect george will eventually relent. i can't imagine he really wants to spend the rest of the season as public enemy number one in dallas. he's probably just holding up the trade until after the all-star game so that the league doesn't get confused about which team jason kidd will suit up for. but if i'm wrong and george does stay, hopefully this results in a sharp division in the mavs' posh locker room between the players who were supposed to be traded and those that weren't. and hopefully this culminates in a west side story-esque gang fight where dirk nowitzki sings "i feel pretty".

Today's Best - 02.11.08

5. dallas philanthropy - over the last two nights, mediocre eastern conference teams that are defying logic to remain in the playoff hunt have run roughshod over the mavericks. on sunday, new jersey blew out dallas to remain the 8th best nba team on the east. then yesterday, philadelphia rode terrific defense and a reggie evans-josh howard collision to beat dallas 85-76. the mavericks are now 22-6 against the west and 12-11 against the worst including a 4-9 mark on the east coast. i'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this. such as, the mavericks really aren't as good as i thought they were. or the mavericks have had to start jj barea in their last five games. or the mavericks don't know what time zones are. either way, i'm not sure the return of devin harris from injury is going solve all of the mavs problems. unless devin harris grew like 10 feet while he was injured. and even then, that'd probably cause more problems than it would solve.

4. the league's best sub-.500 playoff team - the warriors came back from a 23 point deficit to hand the wizards their eight straight loss. the wizards jumped out early but the calm, steadying hand of stephen jackson helped golden state claw back. ultimately, jackson finished with 41 points and the wizards took wild threes and turned it over like they forgot which side of the court they were supposed to shoot on. anyways, as a wizards fan, i'm not sure if i should be encouraged that they've been playing so well recently without caron butler and antonio daniels, or hopping mad that they've let winnable games escape. on one hand, the wizards rookies and role players are getting much needed experience. on the other hand i'm hopping mad that it's been two weeks since they've last won a game. but i guess it could be worse, they could be in the western conference where an eight game losing streak would result in an immediate lottery pick.

3. poortland - in a game between the two teams who are angriest that they don't play in the east, the rockets defeated the blazers 95-83 in houston. since their terrific run from december to early january, portland has cooled off considerably. they haven't won consecutive games in over a month and it looks like they might need greg oden next year after all. on the other side, houston has been playing much better of late and have run off 10 wins in their last 11 games. it's going to be interesting to see what each team does around the trade deadline. the rockets have been getting suprisingly good production from their rookies carl landry and aaron brooks, but they still look like a team that's missing a piece. the blazers however, as documented in truehoop, could have as many as 21 players under contract for next season, so they could be very active in the trade market. hopefully, these teams kill two birds with one stone and just trade with each other. my suggestion: mutomobo for oden straight up. it makes perfect sense, the blazers need veteran leadership and the rockets would be willing to trade veteran leadership for greg oden.

2. kansas state - texas handed kansas only their second loss of the season last night in a 72-69 thriller. it was a back and forth game throughout as neither team held a lead larger than seven points. ultimately, texas prevailed thanks to their great play down the stretch. and that's pretty much as generic as a recap can get. but to me, the real story is that with a jayhawks loss, kansas state moves into first place in the big 12. hopefully, this means that michael beasley just leaves school now to go pro. like right now. like i hope today in his physics class when his teacher assigns homework, beasley stands up, throws all his papers in the air, and screams "well, i'm going pro!" although, if his physics teacher is anything like my physics teacher, he better actually go pro. because if he doesn't and shows up for class the next day, he's going to have to clap erasers after physics for the next month.

1. bigotry - yesterday, john rocker, former pitcher-current jerk, alleged that bud selig knew he failed a drug test in 2000 and that the league and the players association "advised him how to effectively use steroids." rocker then alleged that new york "is the most hectic, nerve-racking city" and "having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with aids, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year old mom with four kids" is "depressing." anyways, his intial allegations, if true, would be pretty serious. though they would have been more serious if they weren't from such a classless bigot. also, why did it take so long for this to come out? rocker's been out of baseball for a while why was this the perfect time to say something and not years earlier? but i guess questioning the timing of someone who doesn't think the appropriate time to make ignorant and intolerant comments is never is kind of fruitless.

Brendan Haywood is the Worst Player on Errf

brendan haywood, a player who is 7-feet tall, just lost a jump ball to chris webber, a player who does not own knees. this is completely unacceptable. chris webber hasn't won a tip since nba jam: tournament edition.

The 2003 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition*

this weekend we were inundated with all sorts of new information regarding roger clemens performance enhancing allegations. i know we've been talking about clemens a lot recently, so i won't go over all these new wrinkles. instead, i'll just touch on the newest wrinkle that i found most interesting. specifically, the wrinkle concerning roger clemens' wife not wanting wrinkles. on friday, brian mcnamee told investigators that he injected debbie clemens with hgh before the 2003 sports illustrated photo shoot. not only does this mean that the 2003 si swimsuit edition should be branded with an asterisk forever, it means that in my mind, brian mcnamee has already sewn up the title of most hilarious person of 2008.

i'll readily admit that the benefits of hgh kind of escape me as it pertains to athletes. but as it pertains the non-athlete wives of athletes, it has escaped me and then started a new life in cabo as "sterling van buren" the inventor of thumb tacks. hopefully this doesn't come off as sexist but, why is it at all useful for women to take hgh before they parade around in bikinis? i'd understand steroid use if debbie had a pair of testicles that she needed to shrink before wearing a revelaing bathing suit, but as far as hgh, i'm completely ignorant. what does hgh do that breast augmentation, liposuction, or even air brushing does not? this isn't to say that i don't believe brian mcnamee. because i do for two reasons. one, because this would be a very weird thing to make up, and two, because i'd much rather believe a mcnamee than a clemens. it just seems to me that debbie clemens thinks hgh is some sort of all powerful flintstones vitamin that will let you live forever. and i doubt brian mcnamee injected her before having the following conversation.

debbie clemens: brian, i have a photo shoot tomorrow, inject me with hgh.
brian mcnamee: uh mrs. clemens, i don't think you understand what hgh does.
debbie clemens: listen, does my husband pay you to think or to poke things in butts?
brian mcnamee: (sigh) ...poke things in butts.
debbie clemens: then shut up and inject me with hgh you nitwit.
brian mcnamee: ...you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: what did you just say?
brian mcnamee: i said, you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: thank you brian, i have lost weight!

i'd apologize for talking about roger clemens so much recently, but frankly i'm not sorry. everyday this story finds a way to top itself. and now with this revelation that debbie clemens used hgh too, i just don't know if there's an end in sight. tomorrow we could find out that the clemens' family dog was a cat before mcnamee injected it with hgh or that koby clemens, roger's eldest son, is actually just a big syringe and i wouldn't be the least bit surprised. but if there is a positive that can come out of this bizarre report, it's that perhaps women who feel pressured by hollywood to look a certain way will eschew eating disorders and just order hgh. then when i open my hgh mart, the hgh will fly off the shelves and i'll meet girls with low self esteem. we all win!