Season Preview: Sacramento Kings

Dhivy: The Maloofs used to be the cool owners in the league. They had a trendy casino and an exciting NBA team. Now the roster is full of other teams’ castoffs and the Maloofs are so desperate that they had to bring back the cast of “The Real World: Las Vegas”. New head coach Reggie Theus brings some questionable new ideas to the team. For instance, when he coached the Deering Tornadoes, Theus allowed a girl to play on the boys’ varsity team. The Maloofs found this forward thinking appealing, while I find it appalling. She has to have her own locker room, you can’t pat her butt on the way out of a huddle, and a girl cannot be a king: she would be a queen.

Further digging their grave, the Kings signed Mikki Moore this off-season, a move that at best could be described as “blunderous”. His success last year was directly attributable to playing alongside Jason Kidd. Without the same quality of floor general, Mikki Less will go back to his old habits. Habits like shooting with his eyes closed, playing defense while eating cheeseburgers, and falling asleep at the free-throw line. He’ll fit in well with the other ludicrous centers on the roster, Brad Miller and Shareef Abdur-Rahim. This plan to ruin any chance Spencer Hawes has at a career just might work after all.

With the injury to Mike Bibby, the scoring onus falls on Kevin Martin and Ron Artest. Artest is one of the most complete players in the league, but his offensive skills have never truly recovered since his year-long suspension. And though his production was a welcome surprise last year, Kevin Martin’s jump shot is so ugly that when it was born, the doctor slapped its parents! The youth in Sacramento provides some hope, particularly Francisco Garcia. He has great range, good ball-handling skills, and has the ability to be a solid defender. Quincy Douby is another rangy shooter, but he tends to run hot or cold. Rookie Mustafa Shakur was great in “Austin Powers” and his athleticism will be a great asset. However, the Kings have some serious work to do if they expect to get back to the days of Vlade Divac and Doug Christie. Also, how sad is it that they’re pining for the days of Vlade Divac and Doug Christie?

Joe: You know that kid in your neighborhood that really taught himself how to play basketball? They never had someone to model their technique after, and just settled into a bad shooting form that never got corrected, but was oddly effective. I bet you Kevin Martin was one of those kids. He is by far the most awkward player I've ever seen yet he is the leading scorer on this Sacramento Kings team due to a preposterous 47% FG percentage from the jump-shooter. It definitely was no fluke either as he shot 48% from the floor the year before. Although I respect his game, I feel kind of shaky endorsing a team that boasts Kevin Martin as their primary source of scoring. Ron Artest could help fill it up as well, but I also feel shaky about endorsing Ron Artest for anything as he is liable to get suspended, lose interest in the team, or get traded for pennies on the dollar at any time.

Coach Reggie Theus of New Mexico and more importantly "Hang Time" fame inherits a roster that looks good on paper, but seems to lack cohesiveness. Theus has already experienced a setback, learning that his dependable, long tenured point guard, Mike Bibby will miss the first six weeks of the season with a thumb injury. This will surely mean that Quincy Douby or the erratic Mustafa Shakur will be forced into many more minutes early in the season than they are prepared for. Up front, Brad Miller will try to regain his all-star caliber form, and Mikki Moore will have to prove that he is worth the contract he signed based on his stellar play in New Jersey last year. And by stellar I mean annoying. Mikki Moore is the most overly-demonstrative player in the league. Every time he gets a putback, hits a jumper or even sees a teammate hit a jumper he runs down the court snarling, shouting, fist-pumping or doing something that chaps my hide. I'm so happy that he is on the west coast now and on most nights i will be asleep while he is on the court acting like a clown. The roster is filled out with Kenny Thomas, a reliable presence down low, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, who is probably in the twilight of his mediocre career and Francisco Garcia, a player I absolutely loved watching play for Rick Pitino's Louisville teams and is poised for a breakout season.

Quang: last year, the kings missed the playoffs for the first time since 1998 and spent their summer with the debate club on their way back to sacremende for the semifinals. i'm sure when asked about it, someone said something along the lines of "well, we'll start a new streak last year." doubtful. the kings are essentially the same team and have only added spencer hawes, known more for being a republican than a center, and mikki moore. mikki moore drives me crazy. i'm so angry he's on the west coast now and on most nights i will be awake while he's on the court acting like a clown. as if their season wasn't going to be difficult enough, mike bibby hurt his thumb presumably from giving his team so many thumbs down. i'm not even a mike bibby fan but the kings are in serious trouble if orien greene and mustafa shakur are their only players with point guard experience. because of this, and a long list of other shortcomings, i expect the kings will spend most of the season trying to convince kevin durant to go back to school so they can draft him first overall in the next draft.

the kings actually come into this season with more relevant players than i originally thought. ron artest is likely their most talented player. everyone should be well aware of the things ron artest brings to the table by now, but if someone were to ask me to describe him in one sentence it'd be: "ron artest wears number 93". kevin martin was nearly was the league's most improved player last year and was rewarded with a healthy contract extension. some may consider him the kings' best player but i'm not completely sold yet. he's obviously a gifted scorer, but i'd like my team's star player to contribute other stats as well. brad miller is coming back from one of his worst seasons as a pro. he was apparently fatigued from a summer spent glued to the bench in the world basketball championships. it's unlikely he'll ever return to his heydey, but a return to startable center isn't out of the question. at power forward, kenny thomas and shareef abdur rahim are going to share minutes. they fought or almost fought each other last year. their feud will probably continue this year as if which one of them played more laughably ineffective minutes actually mattered to anyone else. lastly, rounding out the guard rotation is john salmons, a jack of all trades type player, francisco garcia, a scorer who hasn't scored much since college, and quincy douby, kevin martin part 2.

anyways, the biggest question i have concerning the kings is the following: what would you rather own, a casino or an nba team? fortunately, for the maloof brothers they don't have to choose. but for the rest of us, we're forced to spend our every waking moment considering the pros and cons of each. if you owned a casino, you can always have a place to eat, sleep, and gamble. also the only people who can kick you out of the casino is you. however, if you owned an nba team, you can attend basketball games for free while also doing your part to help keep sasha vujacic from gainful employment. in the end, i think i'd opt for the latter and try my hand in the nba mainly because the decisions i make on a daily basis would be much more interesting and much more likely to appear on espn as breaking news. like "breaking news: owner of the kings decides to change the name to the sacramento quangs" or "breaking news: owner quang of the kings eats david stern's entire birthday cake, regrets nothing" or "breaking news: owner of kings accused of tampering after declaring rudy gay the best player on earth." more specifically about the kings, i think the best case scenario for them they is a 35 win team, though if i were a kings fan i'd would prefer fewer wins in exchange for a higher draft pick. worst case scenario? the entire team is caught at the palms casino betting on their opponents. interestingly, this is my best case scenario assuming i somehow find out about this beforehand and bet accordingly.

Achilles Heel:

• Mikki Moore (d)
• Mustafa Shakur (j)
• Shareef Abdur-Rahim (q)

Unsung Hero:

• Franciso Garcia (d)
• Francisco Garcia (j)
• John Salmons (q)

Bold Prediction:

• Arco Arena will be quarantined when it is discovered that SARS stands for Shareef Abdur-Rahim Syndrome. (d)
• The Maloof Brothers decide it's better for the Kings to fly chartered flights as the team begins to question why Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Mustafa Shakur keep getting "randomly picked" for additional screenings at commercial airline checkpoints. (j)
• Spencer Hawes takes off his mask and reveals that he's been Curtis Borchardt the entire time. "No wonder you sucked," David Stern comments. (q)

Favorite Moment:

• Mike Bibby had the chance to opt out of his contract last year, but realized he was too bad to get a better deal and stayed in Sacramento. (d)
• Coach Eric Musselman pleads no contest to DUI, most likely caused because he had seen his team play. (j)
• The Kings win their first game of the season and Eric Musselman enthusiastically celebrates like a child who just learned it was a snow day. After the season he gets canned like a coach who was in over his head. (q)