Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Thats A Scary Mask Bro!

I’ve never really liked Halloween; even when I was a kid, I thought costumes were silly. Batman doesn’t wear the Larry Johnson Cons with the REACT Juice and Batman doesn’t have to wear glasses over his mask. But my fourth grade representation of Batman did. I guess as an adult, more creative costumes are now in play, but I still have no real interest. I have noticed however that certain athletes parade around like its Halloween everyday, scaring little kids and haunting the dreams of those that are forced to watch them perform on the field:

  • Shelley Duncan – Poor Yankees, after every homerun not only do they have to deal with the fear of having this Yeti descend upon the dugout, but they also have to deal with the most powerful high-fives and forearm smashes imaginable. Robinson Cano only exchanges pleasantries with Duncan when he has his arm fully wrapped in a protective layer of towels.


  • Reche Caldwell – I’m not sure if Reche Caldwell is scary or is constantly scared of something, but either way there is no earthly reason for someone’s eyes to constantly be like this. It’s a strange mix between scared, surprised and just insane.


  • Monica Seles – With ridiculously attractive female tennis players so pervasive in the sport today, It makes you wonder if whoever is in charge of women’s tennis kind of nudged her out of the door. “Ms. Seles, were going in a different direction – the direction opposite that of gargoyles roaming the greens.”

  • Chris Kaman – What would happen if Hulk Hogan had a drunken rendezvous with one of the villains from the Hills Have Eyes and then taught the offspring to play basketball – poorly? My guess is that the result would closely resemble Chris Kaman. You would think in such a pretentious city Chris Kaman would find it hard to fit in, maybe everyone is to horrified to say anything.

  • Tyrone Hill – This ghoulish looking power forward haunted the fan bases of the Warriors, Cavaliers, Bucks, Sixers and Heat over his 14 year career. I remember once during a Cavaliers/ Knicks game, my great-aunt saying to no one in particular “Oh Lord! Why don’t they stop putting the camera on this goblin?…it’s making me sick.” That’s the power of Hill’s face; it could make even the sweetest old lady have something mean to say.

Have a happy and a safe Halloween!

Today's Best - 10.30.07


Here's a daily rundown of the best performances of last night. If there's something you think has been overlooked feel free to let someone know.

5. michael finley - the league's one-time most underrated player scored 11 points in a victory over portland. more importantly, he received his first championship ring and kissed the lady handing the rings out.

4. phil jackson - the lakers lost by two points to the rockets. but if phil jackson didn't use his coaches' decision to not play sasha vujacic, they would have lost by two hundred points.

3. matt kemp - after grady little resigned and joe torre took over as manager of the dodgers, the future of the next dave winfield suddenly looks much brighter and far less mismanaged.

2. jj hardy - in last night's episode of "a shot of love with tila tequila", one of the non-lesbian males attacked another non-lesbian male. but thanks to jj hardy's quick thinking, the situation was quickly defused before it escalated further and our focus could return to trying to figure out why no one else thought of this premise for a show before now.

1. kobe bryant - lakers fans booed kobe during player intros for not wanting to play with below average teammates, yet cheered those same below average teammates. kobe responded by pouring in 45 points and nearly leading his below average teammates to a comeback victory.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Season Preview: Division Standings

it took a lot of time and a lot of extraneous words and sentences and paragraphs, but our team previews are complete. and now with less than 30 minutes before a new basketball season tips off, what better way to further put our inept forecasting skills on display than to share our predictions of the final division standings? the number in parentheses is each team's projected rank within the conference, and in some cases their projected number of wins.


East
Dhivy
Joe
Quang

AtlanticBOS (2)BOS (1)BOS (2)


NYK (7)NYK (6)NYK (8)


TOR (9)NJN (8)NJN (9)


NJN (10)TOR (12)TOR (11)


PHI (14)PHI (14)PHI (15)

CentralCLE (1)CHI (2)DET (1)


DET (3)DET (3)CHI (3)


CHI (5)CLE (4)CLE (5)


MIL (12)MIL (10)MIL (13)


IND (15)IND (15)IND (14)

SoutheastWAS (4)WAS (5)WAS (4)


MIA (6)MIA (7)MIA (6)


ATL (8)CHA (9)ATL (7)


ORL (11)ATL (11)ORL (10)


CHA (13)ORL (13)CHA (12)

West
Dhivy
Joe
Quang

NorthwestDEN (5)DEN (3)DEN (4)


UTA (6)UTA (6)UTA (6)


SEA (11)POR (11)POR (11)


POR (13)MIN (13)MIN (12)


MIN (15)SEA (14) SEA (14)

PacificPHO (1)PHX (2)PHX (3)


LAL (7)LAL (8)LAL (7)


GSW (9)GSW (10)GSW (8)


LAC (12)SAC (12)SAC (13)


SAC (14)LAC (15)LAC (15)

SouthwestSAS (2)DAL (1)SAS (1)


HOU (3)SAS (4)HOU (2)


DAL (4)HOU (5)DAL (5)


MEM (8)NOH (7)MEM (9)


NOH (10)MEM (9)NOH (10)

the person who has the most accurate standings at the end of the year wins a free dinner from a refrigerator at my house of your choice. and if there are those of you who want in on this action or if you generally think we've got bats in the belfry, feedback is always welcome. but not as welcome as exterminators to get rid of these damn bats.

Season Preview: Washington Wizards

Joe: I really like Gilbert Arenas, but this doesn't translate to me really liking the Wizards. Ive never liked Antwan Jamison's game, Brendan Haywood is the biggest waste of space ever, and now he wont even have the only thing keeping him motivated, his blood-feud with Etan Thomas. If Haywood does not provide an inside presence, I have to believe that it will be too much for Gilbert Arenas to overcome by himself. But then I remember that Gil has unlimited range whether he is using two hands or one, and he really isn't all by himself anymore with the emergence of Caron Butler - and suddenly my outlook on the Wizards improves.

It always seemed as though Caron Butler was going to be a real legitimate NBA player even in his days at UConn. Growing up during his time with Miami and the Lakers, Caron has finally broken out into a very reliable two way player, that takes alot of the "playmaker" pressure off of Gilbert. I continue to be unimpressed by the third head of the three-headed monster, Antawn Jamison. It seems as if the Wizards could get the production that Jamison provides at a cheaper price. I am always surprised when I am reminded that Jamison id 6'9 as he routinely gets abused down low by smaller players and he is constantly loafing around the three-point line. The Wizards were smart letting Jared Jefferies leave and go to the Knicks two years ago and picked up a much cheaper and better player in DeShawn Stevenson. What's interesting about Stevenson is that he turned down a multi year extension with the Magic to sign for less and has probably played his way to a better contract last year. He offers great defense on the perimeter and has seemed to mesh with his teammates and gain confidence in a jumpshot that was erratic at best earlier in his career. The Wizards will rely on contributions from Andray Blatche and Darius Songaila to shore up their undersized and unmotivated front-line. If Blatche develops, and the injuries from last year are avoided, I could see the Wizards grabbing one of the last playoff spots in the East.

Dhivy: When people talk about the Wizards the first thing that comes up is always Gilbert Arenas. People think of him as a clown or a jokester who doesn’t take the game seriously. Whether it’s playing poker during halftime or dunking off a trampoline at the All-Star game, basketball purists are quick to complain about his antics. Well if that’s the way it’s going to be, then I want my basketball tainted and diluted. Gilbert is one of the most entertaining players in the league, not to mention one of the best. People complain when athletes have nothing to say, but they also go nuts when an athlete does anything out of the ordinary. So rather then worry about what Arenas is going to do next, let’s just sit back and fire up the hibachi.

When I heard that center Etan Thomas was going to have open-heart surgery, my first thought was “I hope he’s ok and can play basketball again some day”. My second thought was “I hope Haywood doesn’t jump him in his hospital room”. The Wizards biggest star is Gilbert Arenas, as he rightly should be. But I think the contributions of Caron Butler have been overlooked in light of Agent Zero’s wackiness. Caron is a deadeye from 20-feet, he’s explosive enough to get to the rim, he rebounds, plays defense, and can trigger a fast break. The success of this team hinges on the big three, including Antawn Jamison. While he’s not a great or even good defender, his outside touch and arsenal of junk shots make him a valuable leader.

The lack of size is what will end up hurting this team in the long run. The bench consists of waves of guards, but very little in terms of an inside presence. They’ll rely upon Andray Blatche and Dominic McGuire to give them quality frontcourt minutes, but how much can they expect from these kids? Dominic McGuire had a fantastic summer league and Blatche has responded well to the challenge of playing center, but they have little to no experience. Perhaps the under the radar players to watch are Gilbert’s backcourt running mates. DeShawn Stevenson was brought in to be a defensive force, but he was a welcome surprise offensively as well. Antonio Daniels is a savvy veteran and can play both backcourt positions without making many mistakes. And their first-round draft pick Nick Young is an exciting athlete who will have a great impact off the bench. The style of play has changed in the NBA to a more wide-open, offensive minded focus. With all their weapons, the Wizards could be a dangerous match up for the rest of the league.

Quang: it's october 30, 2007 and today is probably the most i've ever liked a bullets/wizards team. i thought this was important to note because who knows what happens tomorrow? the wizards could sign or talk to or look at anderson varejao, in which case i'd like them less. or the wizards could even get busted by the league for team-wide use of performance enhancing flubber, in which case i'd like them a lot more. but regardless of what the future holds, it doesn't change how excited i am right now for this team and for their season to begin. i have obvious biases, but this looks like as fun and interesting and likable a team in the league. better yet, they are all mostly competent basketball players. and as i've been trained to do as a typical fan, i've convinced myself that these zards are going to surprise people this year. well, other people. short of the team being held scoreless over a month or the plot from space jam happening in real life to the wizards, i doubt anything that happens takes me by surprise. anyways, i've prepared myself for the possibility of a wide range of events this year, but i still have some cautious optimism that washington could approach 50 wins. why? because of most important number regarding the team: zero, as in the number of games i expect the wizards to lose this year.

on initial glance, this wizards team doesn't seem much different from years past. they didn't acquire the low post presence people said they need and the only improvement defensively will have to come from within. i've always thought that these problems were slightly exaggerated, but they're still probably the two biggest question marks this year. what i think is being overlooked is that even though center and defense are still immediate concerns, the wizards have quietly addressed other deficiencies. and as a result, this year they have continuity among starters, they have a bench, and they have young talent that can develop within the franchise. by my count that's three areas of improvement as compared to two areas of concern. it's simple arithmetic! the wizards can't fail!

over the last previous two offseasons, the wizards lost larry hughes and jared jeffries. over the past three years they've had to introduce new players like antawn jamison, caron butler, and deshawn stevenson. now for the first time since ernie grunfeld became general manager, the wizards return the same starting lineup. therefore, instead of waiting through an adjustment period and getting players accustomed to their teammates and the system, the wizards can start the season on the same page. the page where they start murdering teams. their most important starter, gilbert, at only 25 has become one of the most difficult players in the league to gaurd. my main concern is that his knee is not fully healed from the ligament tear he suffered last year. though if his knee is fully healed, my new main concern is that he suffers a wrist injury from making too many threes. antawn jamison starts at power forward and elicits a lot of debate among wizards fans. i think he's great. he's the team leader and he plays like the 50-year old guy at the gym who tries flip shots and hook shots from three. caron butler returns for his third year in washington. his play has earned him the nickname "tough juice" and i think soon he's going to become the leader of the team. deshawn stevenson is the incumbent shooting guard. he's a physical player and is effective as long as he doesn't have to carry the team. i mean, the team is like 14 other guys. that's a lot of weight for one person to carry while also trying to play basketball. rounding out the starting five is brendan haywood, most likely everyone's least favorite wizard. if he's merely average, i think the wizards will be pleased.

next up is the wizards bench, which has long been a problem for this team. whenever the first team rest
s, the reserves spill out onto the floor and eventually are mopped back onto the bench having provided no offense whatsoever. but i think this year will be different. calvin booth, michael ruffin, and jarvis hayes have all been signed away. jarvis hasn't seemed comfortable with his surgically repaired knee until he torched the wizards in preseason a week ago. and although i like booth and ruffin, whenever they touched the ball i was sure that they'd punt it out of bounds. this year things are much brighter. antonio daniels returns as the top option off the bench. he showed in the playoffs what he's still capable of, namely efficiently running an offense and screaming loudly when he drives to the basket. likewise, darius songaila is also going to play a big role. last year, he was injured while selfishly playing for his native country in the world basketball championships and missed much of the season. he's good enough to play 20 minutes a night and i expect he'll bounce back and turn in a largely underappreciated season. virginia alum, roger mason jr re-signed with the wizards after turning down an offer from the spurs. he's a decent shooter and logically, if the spurs pursued him, he must be either good or annoying. the wizards are hoping for a breakout season from the super versatile andray blatche, a player who has drawn comparisons to kevin garnett and hugh grant. lastly, washington also has at their disposal a trio of talented rookies, who at this point are all already twice as good as peter john ramos.

regarding blatche and the rookies, it's been a very long time since the wizards had good players on their team that they drafted and developed themselves. so it's very refreshing to see four on the same team that i think could make a big difference in their future. blatche has incredible potential and finally seems to have found the work ethic to match. worst case scenario, in his best season he averages a triple-double a game. best case scenario, in his worst season he averages a quadruple-triple per quarter. more likely, i think he'll become a solid 3rd option, in which case i'll be very happy. next up is oleksiy pecherov. last year, when the wizards drafted him with marcus williams, josh boone, shanon brown, kyle lowry, and renaldo balkman sitll on the board, i screamed bloody murder. but i have since warmed to this pick and realized why i'm not an nba general manager. because if i was, i'd make horrible trades and scream bloody murder. pecherov is a seemingly typical europlayer in that he can shoot, has a funny haircut, and plays hard nosed basketball. i have him pegged as the next andray blatche. in this year's draft, the wizards selected nick young and dominic mcguire, two californian players who are now roommates living together in one of gilbert's houses. nick young fell into their laps and was a dynamic scorer at usc. dominic mcguire was among the nation's leaders in blocks and can do a bit of everything. at fresno state he recorded two triple-doubles, once with blocks and once with assists. but best of all to me, these two can dunk. the one thing the wizards' play has been lacking recently are dunks that make me jump out of my seat and wander around aimlessly in my neighbors' yard. with the addition of these two high flyers, i'm sure this will be the season where my neighbors finally spring for taller fences.

as evident, i love this team. but, i'm not in love with them. though, i think they have the talent to get homecourt in the first round i also think a lot of things have to fall into place for them to get to the eastern conference finals. particularly jumbotrons falling into place atop the pistons, bulls, and celtics. regardless, this is shaping up to be a very exciting and interesting year. and hopefully the wizards can enjoy the success they had last year before injuries began to amass and delay their offseason as long as possible. because after the season, when jamison's contract expires and arenas opts out, the wizards may have to face numerous hurdles in trying to become a title contender. but as usual, i have a solution. trade gilbert for kobe. it might not be the most popular move, but kobe is the superior player. also, when gilbert opts out, the wizards can just re-sign him! this would make the wizards' tentative line up for 2008-09: gilbert, kobe, caron, jamison, who re-signed for the league minimum, and nick young, who grew 15 inches over the summer. they'd go 81-1 in the regular season with their only loss being a 93-57 setback against the bobcats because the scoreboard misrepresented the 1,057 points they rung up. then they'd march through the playoffs sweeping all of their opponents in only three games.

Achilles Heel:

  • Darius Songaila (j)
  • Brendan Haywood (d)
  • Oleksiy Pecherov, only because according to espn, he's zero years old. (q)
Unsung Hero:
  • Deshawn Stevenson (j)
  • Dominic McGuire (d)
  • Nick Young (q)
Bold Prediction:
  • Gilbert Arenas never has to play basketball again after signing a lucrative deal with the Benihana restaurant chain. (j)
  • After the Wizards win the East, 13-year-olds accuse Gilbert of cheating on Internet chat boards. (d)
  • Because of Arenas' cheating in Halo, David Stern makes the Wizards forfeit all of their games last year. And as the worst team in the league last year the Wizards draft Kevin Durant from the Sonics. (q)
Favorite Moment:
  • Steve Francis hits a desperation three from just over the half-court line to win a game in the Verizon Center for the Knicks... he gets on top of the scorers table and is joined by the Knicks as they celebrate in front of his hometown crowd. (j)
  • Gilbert Arenas beating Deshawn Stevenson in a three-point contest in which Gilbert shot one-handed from the college line. (d)
  • In a game that they eventually lost against the Rockets, Calvin Booth drains a three with 30 seconds left that brings the score within one. It was his second career three, both of which have come in losses to the Rockets. (q)

Season Preview: Utah Jazz

Quang: i've never been a utah jazz fan. i don't think there's ever been a game they've played where i haven't rooted against them or at least rooted for any of their players to score on the wrong basket. i guess that's just how i was raised. in the west, stockton and malone were the enemy and barkley, robinson, olajuwon were my heroes. as a kid, rooting for the jazz was like rooting for harry and marv in home alone, or rooting for gaston in beauty in the beast, or rooting for harry and marv in home alone 2: lost in new york. now i'm an adult, and unfortunately i haven't matured. whenever i watch jazz games i still loudly root against them and similarly, whenever i watch home alone 2 i still hope harry and marv haven't yet learned from their previous mistakes.

as much as it pains me to say, this current jazz team isn't quite as annoying as previous incarnations. i really wanted to hate deron williams, but he's just a really good point guard. i still think chris paul is better, but the gap in my eyes is close, which
is something i never thought i'd admit after they got drafted. carlos boozer screams too much for no reason, but he's a very good power forward and punished the warriors last year. mehmet okur, despite rumored chemistry issues, is an incredibly useful center and is too unassuming to make me very upset otherwise. matt harpring is frequently mentioned as one of the strongest players in the league. not as frequently mentioned is how he is one of the few nba players who has a legoman haircut. but like always there are plenty of jazz players who i hope get their shoelaces tied together. i never liked kirilenko even when he was good, but now he's become nothing more than a scarecrow. gordan giricek is a do everything player in that he does everything poorly and clumsily. and i really want to like paul millsap, but just something about how hard he plays kind of irritates me. i'm sure if he fell to any other team in the 2nd round i wouldn't feel this way, but this is the hand i was dealt.

the jazz have an interesting mix of players, but i'm not sure they'll be able to challenge the western conference elite just yet. and even though they are a definite playoff team, i'm not sure they'll enjoy the success they had last year when they lost to the spurs in the conference finals. if either morris almond or ronnie brewer can become the true shooting guard they've been missing for as long as i can remember, this team will be a factor. but regardless of if that happens or not, just out of habit i'm probably going to root against the jazz in every game they play. it's nothing personal. but even though my movie tastes have broadened as an adult, rooting for the jazz is still like rooting for whichever eddie murphy character is the antagonist in norbit, or rooting for poverty in the pursuit of happyness, or rooting for french stewart in home alone 4. it's unamerican.


Dhivy:
Everyone thinks of the Utah Jazz as a classy organization, but I don’t get it. Jerry Sloan reportedly uses anti-gay slang in addressing players he sees slacking off. Carlos Boozer broke a handshake agreement he made with former Cavs owner Gordon Gund, who is legally blind. And one of their most famous players is the pound-for-pound dirtiest player in NBA history, John Stockton. So forgive me if I come across as anti-Jazz.

Andrei Kirilenko has fallen out of favor in Utah, which isn’t much of a surprise. His value as a fantasy player is greater than his actual value, and he’s extremely injured prone. Probably because he took steroids while he was training to fight Rocky Balboa. The Jazz would be best served trying to find a team to take Kirilenko off their hands. Even if they don’t find a piece that can help them win now, they’d get cap flexibility or a draft pick. Besides, they have players who play Andrei’s position already. Between Mehmet Okur, Carlos Boozer and Paul Millsap, the frontcourt is loaded and there’s no real need for someone to make $33 million to sit on the bench and bawl his eyes out.There’s not much I like about this Jazz team, but one exception is Matt Harpring. As soon as he goes into the game, he is immediately drenched in sweat. Either he works really hard when he plays, or he’s just gets nervous. He played at Georgia Tech alongside Stephon Marbury, which makes me believe he too asks random floozies if they’re gonna get in the truck. Of course, since he lives in Utah, he probably has 4 or 5 women get in the truck at once. Ronnie Brewer is another young player I’m irrationally infatuated with and I’m hoping he gets more minutes this year. Jerry Sloan is notorious for sticking to his own way of doing things, but if I can change, and you can change, everyone can change.

Joe:
Deron Williams ruined my 2005 March Madness I had what would be a great game between two of my favorite programs and coaches of all time line up with Pitino's Louisville squad against Olsen's Arizona team in the Final Four, to decide who will play UNC for the national championship. Well the chubby point guard on Illinois definitely had different plans, willing his team to victory and hitting multiple back breaking three-pointers in overtime to squeak by Arizona in the Elite Eight before playing the role of the heady floor general in a lopsided win over Louisville. With my bracket busted, I held a two year grudge against Williams. I laughed at the Jazz for picking him before Chris Paul and Ray Felton. Then I watched in disbelief as in his second year in the NBA he flourished, becoming the team leader Jerry Sloan wanted him to be. My hatred of Williams reached a climax and ended on the same day. In a game against the Knicks with the Jazz down one in overtime Williams hits a deep step back jumper to put the Jazz up one with three seconds left... with me on the verge of tears wondering why Deron Williams wants to constantly hurt me so, Stephon Marbury streaks down the length of the floor and puts in a layup with no time left to give the Knicks the win. I felt some measure of retribution and decided to sweep our differences under the rug.

Jerry Sloan's young team with another year of experience under there belts are destined to repeat the success they had last year. They have the core components for success, a great point guard and an excellent post scorer and rebounder in Carlos Boozer. The tandem is eerily reminiscent of Stockton and Malone except with longer shorts and I would assume more tact around Kobe Bryant's wife. The duo is flanked by Mehmet Okur who is apparently became really, really, really good after being traded from the Pistons. I knew he had extremely impressive range for a big man but i was pleasantly surprised last year by his deceptive quickness when putting the ball on the floor and either putting up an assortment of floaters or hitting the open man. Perhaps through some kind of weird transference Andrei Kirilenko lost all of his basketball skills which were promptly absorbed by Okur. Apparently Kirelenko is seeking approval from Jerry Sloan and has requested that Sloan deliver an equal amount of compliments as condemnations. I doubt that will happen, Jerry Sloan is just not a warm and fuzzy person, but because I believe you can't become a scrub overnight without some kind of injury, I think Andrei will bounce back this season
regardless. I also expect increased growth from Paul Millsap who was a rebounding fool last year. Rebounding and defense are skills that are tough to lose so if Millsap could focus on his offensive game, and avoid catching whatever afflicted Kirilenko Utah could have one of the most formidable frontcourts in the league. There is not much depth at the point guard spots or at the wings. The Jazz will have to rely on Jason Hart to carry backup point guard duties and youngsters Ronnie Brewer and Morris Almond may not be ready to provide quality minutes at the 2 and 3 positions. The Jazz, like the Nets are also guilty of providing a Collins brother gainful employment. They are like the wonder twins, in that they are twins and when you see them on the court you wonder why the hell you couldn't make the NBA.

Achilles Heel:
  • Gordan Giricek (q)
  • Andrei Kirilenko (d)
  • Jarron Collins (j)

Unsung Hero:

  • Ronnie Brewer (q)
  • Matt Harpring (d)
  • Ronnie Brewer (j)

Bold Prediction:

  • True to their surnames, Carlos Boozer and Ronnie Brewer both get wasted before a game. True to his surname, Jarron Collins plays seven miserable minutes of basketball during a game. (q)
  • Jarron Collins proves that Jason Collins not the worst player in the NBA. Just the second worst. (d)
  • The Utah Jazz experience a huge early uptick in ticket sales from the African American female demographic due to some confusion regarding Morris Chestnut and Morris Almond. (j)

Favorite Moment:

  • The game winning three Gilbert hit against the Jazz over Deron Williams at the buzzer. The Jazz had no chance. (q)
  • Andrei Kirilenko crying after only playing 16 minutes in a Jazz playoff game. (d)
  • Deron Williams beats Kevin Martin and throws down an unexpected one-handed dunk on Brad Miller late in the season. (j)

Monday, October 29, 2007

Season Preview: Seattle Supersonics

Joe: This will be unpopular but I'm going to let everyone know that I think Kevin Durant will not be the be the rookie of the year, let alone the best rookie on his team. that honor will go to Jeff Green. The fact that Green stayed in school and played major conference basketball for three years, has made him a much more complete player than Durant at the moment. Not only can Green play defense on his man, something Durant has not learned to do; but he also has an NBA- ready body and won't be bullied like Durant surely will. This is not to say that Jeff Green has a higher ceiling than Durant, but for this season, I'd put my money on Jeff having a better year.

The sad part about this team is that with Ray Allen trying to sniff out a championship in Boson and Rashard Lewis exiting for a payday, the two players I spoke about earlier are among the few bright spots on the team. The backcourt features the most useless point guard competition of all time, featuring Earl Watson and Luke Ridnour, two tremendously flawed players, Watson offensively, Ridnour defensively, that will be vying for starter's minutes. Nick Collison and Kurt Thomas are bruisers down low, who will work tirelessly for rebounds and get clean-up points around the basket. Chris Wilcox has a ton of upside down low, but now entering his 6th season, it's about time that he put up or shut up. From the early preseason returns it seems that he refuses to be silent. Another enigma is Robert Swift the highly touted fourth year seven footer who still remains in the league because you cant teach height. Swift finds himself as the starting center in Seattle, an honor he will surely fumble away as if it were an entry pass. Wally Szczerbiak has resurfaced, and can provide some of the outside scoring and all of the defense (none) that Rashard Lewis provided while he roamed the wings. PJ Carlesimo will also have a hard time keeping Delonte West off of the floor. I suspect he will be in the starting line up at either one of the guard spots by the end of November.

Quang: three years ago, the supersonics won 52 games. over the last two years the sonics have won a combined 66 games. what was different in 2004-05? well for starters, nate mcmillan was the coach. but after the season he opted for portland, and as a result, the sonics had to find another coach. one, who was likely not among the top 30 in career steals. therefore without someone constantly reminding them to "steal the ball! steal the ball like i did 1,544 times in my career" the sonics defense suffered. and their potent offense was suddently not potent enough. other departures from seattle that summer were antonio daniels, quietly effective that season, jerome james, loudly defective that season, and ibo kutluay, a player whose only nba season was with these 52-win sonics and accumulated a player efficiency rating of -13. and now we've reached the point of my spontaneous history lesson. how bad do you have to play that you have a -13 player efficiency rating? how is it possible to have a rating that is lower than matten cleaves by 22.1? what does a -13 player efficiency rating even mean? does that mean ibo kutluay had a 13 player efficiency rating for the other team? was ibo scoring points on his own basket? did all ibo's passes go through his own basket? if five ibo kutluays played against a normal basketball team what would happen? would it just be a lay up line? what if five ibo kutluays played against five ibo kutluays? would it even be a basketball game or just an ibo kutluay game of freeze tag? why is this more interesting to me than anything else about the sonics?

well unfortunately for the sonics, ibo kutluay is not walking through that door. and for the first time in over four years, neither is ray allen nor rashard lewis. but kevin durant is. he is the most exciting sonic since shawn kemp was blistering listers and siring children. i figure durant should be more than enough to help sonics fans forget about their miserable 2006-07 campaign before realizing that their franchise's savior is inevitably going to save the franchise from oklahoma city. but regardless of where the sonics eventually hang their hat, one thing is certain, their rookie tandem of durant and jeff green is one of the most exciting upcoming duos in the league. i expect in a few years i'll be talking about the durant and green combo like i talk about nacho cheese combos. which is to say, i'll talk about them so much my breath will smell like nacho cheese. anyways, it's rare nowadays to see two rookie teammates enter the season with the franchise basically put in their hands, so i'm interested to see what happens. hopefully they'll find more success together than eddy curry and tyson chandler did. and if not, hopefully neither of them gets robbed at gunpoint in their own home.

other than durant and green, the son
ics have loads of other players. how many of them will be key contributors down the road remains to be seen. at point, the sonics will choose from luke ridnour, earl watson, and delonte west. west seems like the most talented player, but also seems like he's still learning the position. at power forward, chris wilcox and nick collison will share the minutes. wilcox is the superior athlete and his name appropriately rhymes with knee socks. whether he's a better player than the solid but unspectacular collison is something you should ask someone who doesn't write about ibo kutluay for paragraphs on end. also, the sonics have so many raw and unproven centers that the last season of project runway was about robert swift, johan petro, and mouhamed sene's development into startable players. thus far, heidi klum has not been impressed. finally, helping to bridge the gap from the present to the future are veterans wally szczerbiak and kurt thomas. i'm sure they'll play a fair amount of minutes this year to make david stern think the sonics haven't given up on their season yet. but as far as this season goes, it's highly unlikely that the sonics aren't lottery bound. if they show flashes of what's on the horizon and if kevin durant avoids any serious injury or incurable disease, i'd consider their season an unbridled success. although i guess if kevin durant leads the sonics to the nba championship i'm pretty sure they'd take that too. we'll call that plan b for now.

Dhivy: Kevin Durant is so good it makes me want to look both ways before crossing the street. Plenty of analysts have gone into detail about his various strengths, so there’s no need for me to reiterate them. Instead, here’s a partial list of the things that Kevin Durant has caused me to do while watching him play: scream loud enough that people outside my apartment notice, run laps around my living room, turn over my furniture, call my friends and scream at them, call my parents and scream at them, call strangers and scream at them, and research whether or not I could legally adopt an eighteen-year-old against his will. He’s had some early struggles in the pre-season and has an injury to overcome, but I’m confident that this year he will win Rookie of the Year, win the Sonics the NBA Championship, and record a grunge rock album that wins several Grammys.

The focus in Seattle is on youth, as the only players with more than 6 years of service are Kurt Thomas and Wally Szczerbiak. Their role on the roster is simply to mentor the younger players, meaning it’s their job to make sure that Damien Wilkins turns in his homework. Along with three young centers in Petro, Swift and Sene, they don’t have much in terms of talent but they do have 24 fouls. Nick Collison and Chris Wilcox provide flexibility in the frontcourt. Wilcox is an high-flyer with a scorer’s mentality while Collison focuses more on ge
tting put backs and defending. One player rarely mentioned is point guard Luke Ridnour. While his scoring has been inconsistent, he sees the court well and minimizes turnovers. He’ll never be a spectacular player but he’s a great facilitator and should make Durant’s transition easier.

The concern I have is whether or not Jeff Green can be the player the Sonics need him to be. At Georgetown, he had a tendency to disappear in big games. This is a problem, because instead of focusing on in-game adjustments, the coaching staff was constantly looking for him under tables and behind shrubs. Whether or not he can contribute without scoring remains to be seen, and could determine how far this team goes. Oh, wait. They have Durant. The Sonics are going to kill everyone.

Achilles Heel

  • Robert Swift (j)
  • Robert Swift (q)
  • Jeff Green (d)
Unsung Hero
  • Jeff Green (j)
  • Chris Wilcox (q)
  • Luke Ridnour (d)
Bold Prediction
  • Wally Szczerbiak demands that Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" is played after every one of his made shots. So he can sing along "I'm Wally Szczerbiak" (j)
  • The Supersonics make a machine that fuses all three of their 21-year old, 7-foot tall centers into one supercenter they name Moswiftro. Seattle wins the NBA Championship for the next five seasons partly because no one can devise a game plan to stop a 21-foot tall center. (q)
  • Johan Petro and Mickael Gelabale are kicked off the team for constantly smoking cigarettes, wearing berets, and sporting pencil thin moustaches. (d)
Favorite Memory
  • Luke Ridnour shoots a 12 footer from his knees after diving for a loose ball. (j)
  • Gilbert Arenas makes a driving lay up off the glass at the buzzer to beat the Sonics. Then he takes his jersey off and lays it out in the middle of the court. (q)
  • Ray Allen and Keyon Dooling getting into a fight during a game. Keyon Dooling is a punk. (d)

Season Preview: Sacramento Kings

Dhivy: The Maloofs used to be the cool owners in the league. They had a trendy casino and an exciting NBA team. Now the roster is full of other teams’ castoffs and the Maloofs are so desperate that they had to bring back the cast of “The Real World: Las Vegas”. New head coach Reggie Theus brings some questionable new ideas to the team. For instance, when he coached the Deering Tornadoes, Theus allowed a girl to play on the boys’ varsity team. The Maloofs found this forward thinking appealing, while I find it appalling. She has to have her own locker room, you can’t pat her butt on the way out of a huddle, and a girl cannot be a king: she would be a queen.

Further digging their grave, the Kings signed Mikki Moore this off-season, a move that at best could be described as “blunderous”. His success last year was directly attributable to playing alongside Jason Kidd. Without the same quality of floor general, Mikki Less will go back to his old habits. Habits like shooting with his eyes closed, playing defense while eating cheeseburgers, and falling asleep at the free-throw line. He’ll fit in well with the other ludicrous centers on the roster, Brad Miller and Shareef Abdur-Rahim. This plan to ruin any chance Spencer Hawes has at a career just might work after all.

With the injury to Mike Bibby, the scoring onus falls on Kevin Martin and Ron Artest. Artest is one of the most complete players in the league, but his offensive skills have never truly recovered since his year-long suspension. And though his production was a welcome surprise last year, Kevin Martin’s jump shot is so ugly that when it was born, the doctor slapped its parents! The youth in Sacramento provides some hope, particularly Francisco Garcia. He has great range, good ball-handling skills, and has the ability to be a solid defender. Quincy Douby is another rangy shooter, but he tends to run hot or cold. Rookie Mustafa Shakur was great in “Austin Powers” and his athleticism will be a great asset. However, the Kings have some serious work to do if they expect to get back to the days of Vlade Divac and Doug Christie. Also, how sad is it that they’re pining for the days of Vlade Divac and Doug Christie?

Joe:
You know that kid in your neighborhood that really taught himself how to play basketball? They never had someone to model their technique after, and just settled into a bad shooting form that never got corrected, but was oddly effective. I bet you Kevin Martin was one of those kids. He is by far the most awkward
player I've ever seen yet he is the leading scorer on this Sacramento Kings team due to a preposterous 47% FG percentage from the jump-shooter. It definitely was no fluke either as he shot 48% from the floor the year before. Although I respect his game, I feel kind of shaky endorsing a team that boasts Kevin Martin as their primary source of scoring. Ron Artest could help fill it up as well, but I also feel shaky about endorsing Ron Artest for anything as he is liable to get suspended, lose interest in the team, or get traded for pennies on the dollar at any time.

Coach Reggie Theus of New Mexico and more importantly "Hang Time" fame inherits a roster that looks good on paper, but seems to lack cohesiveness. Theus has already experienced a setback, learning that his dependable, long tenured point guard, Mike Bibby will miss the first six weeks of the season with a thumb injury. This will surely mean that Quincy Douby or the erratic Mustafa Shakur will be forced into many more minutes early in the season than they are prepared for. Up front, Brad Miller will try to regain his all-star caliber form, and Mikki Moore will have to prove that he is worth the contract he signed based on his stellar play in New Jersey last year. And by stellar I mean annoying. Mikki Moore is the most overly-demonstrative player in the league. Every time he gets a putback, hits a jumper or even sees a teammate hit a jumper he runs down the court snarling, shouting, fist-pumping or doing something that chaps my hide. I'm so happy that he is on the west coast now and on most nights i will be asleep while he is on the court acting like a clown. The roster is filled out with Kenny Thomas, a reliable presence down low, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, who is probably in the twilight of his mediocre career and Francisco Garcia, a player I absolutely loved watching play for Rick Pitino's Louisville teams and is poised for a breakout season.

Quang: last year, the kings missed the playoffs for the first time since 1998 and spent their summer with the debate club on their way back to sacremende for the semifinals. i'm sure when asked about it, someone said something along the lines of "well, we'll start a new streak last year." doubtful. the kings are essentially the same team and have only added spencer hawes, known more for being a republican than a center, and mikki moore. mikki moore drives me crazy. i'm so angry he's on the west coast now and on most nights
i will be awake while he's on the court acting like a clown. as if their season wasn't going to be difficult enough, mike bibby hurt his thumb presumably from giving his team so many thumbs down. i'm not even a mike bibby fan but the kings are in serious trouble if orien greene and mustafa shakur are their only players with point guard experience. because of this, and a long list of other shortcomings, i expect the kings will spend most of the season trying to convince kevin durant to go back to school so they can draft him first overall in the next draft.

the kings actually come into this season with more relevant players than i originally thought. ron artest is likely their most talented player. everyone should be well aware of the things ron artest brings to the table by now, but if someone were to ask me to describe him in one sentence it'd be: "ron artest wears number 93". kevin martin was nearly was the league's most improved player last year and was rewarded with a healthy contract extension. some may consider him the kings' best player but i'm not completely sold yet. he's obviously a gifted scorer, but i'd like my team's star player to contribute other stats as well. brad miller is coming back from one of his worst seasons as a pro. he was apparently fatigued from a summer spent glued to the bench in the world basketball championships. it's unlikely he'll ever return to his heydey, but a return to startable center isn't out of the question. at power forward, kenny thomas and shareef abdur rahim are going to share minutes. they fought or almost fought each other last year. their feud will probably continue this year as if which one of them played more laughably ineffective minutes actually mattered to anyone else. lastly, rounding out the guard rotation is john salmons, a jack of all trades type player, francisco garcia, a scorer who hasn't scored much since college, and quincy douby, kevin martin part 2.

anyways, the biggest question i have concerning the kings is the following: what would you rather own, a casino or an nba team? fortunately, for the maloof brothers they don't have to choose. but for the rest of us, we're forced to spend our every waking moment considering the pros and cons of each. if you owned a casino, you can always have a place to eat, sleep, and gamble. also the only people who can kick you out of the casino is you. however, if you owned an nba team, you can attend basketball games for free while also doing your part to help keep sasha vujacic from gainful employment. in the end, i think i'd opt for the latter and try my hand in the nba mainly because the decisions i make on a daily basis would be much more interesting and much more likely to appear on espn as breaking news. like "breaking news: owner of the kings decides to change the name to the sacramento quangs" or "breaking news: owner quang of the kings eats david stern's entire birthday cake, regrets nothing" or "breaking news: owner of kings accused of tampering after declaring rudy gay the best player on earth." more specifically about the kings, i think the best case scenario for them they is a 35 win team, though if i were a kings fan i'd would prefer fewer wins in exchange for a higher draft pick. worst case scenario? the entire team is caught at the palms casino betting on their opponents. interestingly, this is my best case scenario assuming i somehow find out about this beforehand and bet accordingly.


Achilles Heel:

  • Mikki Moore (d)
  • Mustafa Shakur (j)
  • Shareef Abdur-Rahim (q)

Unsung Hero:

  • Franciso Garcia (d)
  • Francisco Garcia (j)
  • John Salmons (q)

Bold Prediction:

  • Arco Arena will be quarantined when it is discovered that SARS stands for Shareef Abdur-Rahim Syndrome. (d)
  • The Maloof Brothers decide it's better for the Kings to fly chartered flights as the team begins to question why Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Mustafa Shakur keep getting "randomly picked" for additional screenings at commercial airline checkpoints. (j)
  • Spencer Hawes takes off his mask and reveals that he's been Curtis Borchardt the entire time. "No wonder you sucked," David Stern comments. (q)

Favorite Moment:

  • Mike Bibby had the chance to opt out of his contract last year, but realized he was too bad to get a better deal and stayed in Sacramento. (d)
  • Coach Eric Musselman pleads no contest to DUI, most likely caused because he had seen his team play. (j)
  • The Kings win their first game of the season and Eric Musselman enthusiastically celebrates like a child who just learned it was a snow day. After the season he gets canned like a coach who was in over his head. (q)

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Season Preview: Philadelphia 76ers

Dhivy: I’m usually quick to point out a team’s potential, but even I have to admit that the Sixers are going to stink this year. They’ve built their roster around the idea that Andre Iguodala can become a franchise player. And while he contributes in many different areas, I don’t see how he’s any better than Gerald Wallace. His athleticism is freakish and he’s their most exciting player, but he would be better served as a second or third option. Due to the dearth of talent on the roster, AI is going to have to carry this team and I don’t think he’s up to it.


The Sixers boast a second absurd athlete in Rodney Carney. He has developed some range and could be a valuable piece this year. I’m very excited about their first-round pick, 7-footer Jason Smith. He has excellent range and mobility, and his defensive ability will find him minutes. Willie Green and Andre Miller combine to play point guard and though neither is a long-term solution, they are reliable players.

The rest of the roster is more reminiscent of the city of Philadelphia: desolate and depressing. They have over $60 million tied up in Samuel Dalembert and Kyle Korver, neither of whom is a complete player. Thaddeus Young has a world of potential, but is too raw to have an effect this season. The final piece of the puzzle is Shavlik Randolph, which presumes you are looking at a puzzle of unfulfilled promises.

It’s hard to imagine that a team could trade away someone as talented as Allen Iverson and actually upgrade their roster. Fortunately for all you left-brainers out there, you don’t have to. The Sixers gained some draft picks through the trade, but nothing that could make an impact right away. This team will struggle and while they have they have the potential to make Sportscenter’s Top 10 on a nightly basis, they’ll be very fortunate to make the top 10 in the East.

Joe: There was some funny math going on in Philadelphia that severely dealt a blow to my talent always prevails theory. It seemed like after Allen Iverson was shipped out to Denver, a burden was lifted from the collective shoulders of the team. With Andre Igoudala steering the ship the young Sixers team began to fall in line and play to a record of above .500 (29-28). While i don't think this will continue in the new season, I do believe that this team will be able to sneak up on teams that look past them. One player that will definitely fly under some teams radar is Kyle Korver, a deadly shooter and the type of player that could ignite a mini-run with a barrage of three pointers on any given night. His shooting coupled with Igoudala's slashing will be able to lead the Sixers to a respectable record even though they will almost definitely be the bottom feeders in the improved Atlantic Division.

Andre Miller seems to have cut alot of weight this season, seems much lighter on his feet and ready to play the high caliber brand of point guard he played in his days with Cleveland. The starting center Samuel Dalambert provides a key defensive presence although he has the tendency to disappear in some games. The Sixers need him to become more consistent especially so he can cover for the two primary shooting guards, Korver and Willie Green that far too often get beat into the paint by their man. This team is loaded with young wings which kind of explains the seemingly idiotic move of releasing Derek Byars the swingman drafted by Billy King in the 2nd round who showed how good he can be last year during the regular season and most importantly in the regular season. Apparently the organization felt that he would not be able to overtake Rodney Carney, who still hasn't developed an NBA player's frame and Thaddeus Young the exciting first round pick out of Georgia Tech. The only other players of consequence on this team are Louis Williams who will spell Andre Miller, Reggie Evans a hard worker who isn't really that skilled at basketball and Shavlik Randolph, a loser who wasn't even good when he played for Duke in the college ranks.

Quang: entering this season, i have two questions about the philadelphia 76ers. first, after trading away allen iverson, one of the team's most beloved players, is andre iguodala good enough to become its franchise player? and second, since when did it become acceptable to name your team after a year? a year isn't even a thing. it doesn't even contain a single letter. if you were playing pictionary and you picked the card that said "1776" what would you even draw? i'll tell you what i drew: nothing. and now i'm not invited to game night any more. thanks, the year 1776. team names should be menacing, like the philadelphia fire ants, or the philadelphia foot soldiers. or the philadelphia filibusters. even worse, the team isn't even called "the philadelphia 1776ers", they're "the 76ers" or just as commonly, "the sixers". if i told my dad i was going to name my son after him as a way to honor and pay tribute to him, and then started calling my son "sixer" he'd spank me for two hours then send me to my room without desert. and i'm a grown man! if whoever makes these decisions is stubbornly set on keeping this ambiguous reference, then at least try to make it more clear. call the team the philadelphia independents or the philadelphia self-evident truths. or sign benjamin franklin to back up andre miller. this is a problem that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

that's of course not to say there aren't other problems the 1776ers need addressed, because this year they are likely going to be one of the worst teams in the league. the only starters written down in pen are andrew miller, iguodala, and samuel dalembert. miller and iguodala are fine starters, though the fact that they're both named andre may raise some concerns about chemistry. dalembert is an adequate starting center and was moderately succesful last year, but he should very rarely ever be the third best player on a team. so by my count, the sixers have two openings in the starting lineup and two million sixers fans with headaches. let's run through their assortment of options. at power forward it looks like reggie evans is going to get first crack even though he's a prototypical back up with one very particular strength. whether it's due to unproductive play or getting busted in a "to catch a predator" sting, i can't imagine he keeps the job all year. the only problem is that the sixers' next options are shavlik randolph, among the most disappointing mcdonald's all americans in recent memory, and jason smith, a rookie with a high motor who will likely learn from the bench. the guard/forward situation is a little less dire. the likely candidates are willie green, rodney carney, and kyle korver. korver is the biggest threat offensively, but mo cheeks seems inclined to play him as a sixth man. willie green doesn't do anything better than average and at this point in his career, carney is an athlete whose main offensive weapon is triple jumping on fast breaks for titanic dunks. unfortunately, even though these are two big question marks, whatever the sixers decide at either position won't likely matter. even if they ran out matthew lesko and the riddler to start alongside miller, iguodala, and dalembert, i don't expect that it would cost them any more than 5 to 10 wins.

the real story of the sixers is not what they can do to contend this year, but what can they do to contend in the future. andre iguodala needs someone to share the load and it is unclear how much longer andre miller can continue playing at a somewhat high level. luckily, as one of the youngest teams in the league, they have several interesting players. i've already mentioned, carney and jason smith who both look to play very prominent roles in the sixers' rebuilding. beyond that, thaddeus young was their 2007 lottery pick and a player i was hoping would fall to the wizards. he's supremely athletic and and could develop into a very nice compliment to iguodala in the future. at guard, the sixers are hopeful louis williams becomes starter material. he's a scorer first and a scorer second, but is too skilled not to contribute in some respect down the road. in summary, the sixers have inklings of talent, but most of it is too young to help them make any noise in the near future. last season, i thought the sixers biggest problem was playing too well after trading iverson and instead of getting a coveted top-5 pick, they selected in the late lottery. hopefully, they've learned from these mistakes and lose so often this year that the lottery rewards the sixers with the top 7 draft picks.

Achilles Heel:
  • Shavlik Randolph (d)
  • Shavlik Randolph (j)
  • Shavlik Randolph (q)
Unsung Hero:
  • Jason Smith (d)
  • Thaddeus Young (j)
  • Louis Williams (q)
Bold Prediction:
  • Reggie Evans will impersonate a doctor in an attempt to touch Chris Kaman’s testicles again. His scouting report takes on a new connotation when it says "good ball-handler". (d)
  • Larry Brown pushes to become head coach and GM of the team after a bad start. He refuses to play Andre Igudola, Thaddeus Young and Andre Miller, because Reggie Evans and Shavlik Randolph are "Larry Brown guys." (j)
  • During a timeout, Mo Cheeks berates Andre Miller and demands to know why he didn't pass to a wide open Kevin Ollie on the play before. "Kevin Ollie's still in the league?!", Andre Miller screams. "Kevin Ollie's still in the league?!", Mo Cheeks screams. "I'm still in the league?!", Kevin Ollie screams. (q)
Favorite Moment:
  • Maurice Cheeks helping 13-year-old Natalie Gilbert sing the National Anthem when she forgot the words. (d)
  • At a Knicks/ Sixers game attended by me and my brother, We scream out to the court "Nate, don't let Willie Green beat you - hes a bum!" Nate Robinson immediately steals the ball from him and goes in for an easy lay-up. Me and my brother should be coaches. (j)
  • The 76ers trading Iverson to the Nuggets for Andre Miller, Joe Smith, and two first round draft picks. The next day, GM Billy King reads the paper and screams, "Joe Smith?! I thought J. Smith was JR Smith! Good Grief." (q)

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