Today's Best - 12.17.07

5. the vikings, i guess - in a game that was largely uninteresting, the vikings beat the bears 20-13 or perhaps by another generic football score. the minnesota vikings now have won twice as many games as the minnesota timberwolves and have thereby improved their playoff chances while eliminating the rival bears from contention. the bears played a game typical of their season so far as a decent defensive effort, led by brian urlacher's two sacks, interception, and fumble recovery, was wasted by a tame orton-led offense. vikings quarterback tarvaris jackson wasn't much better as he turned it over four times. luckily, adrian peterson, who was mostly bottled up all night, picked up the slack and found a way to score two touchdowns, the second of which came on a play that began with him and brooks bollinger colliding in the backfield and put minnesota ahead for good. and now because of their recent play down the stretch, a lot of people are saying that the vikings are the team that no one wants to face in the playoffs. well no one except the bears, who i'm pretty sure would like to play anyone in the playoffs.

4. teams that beat the jazz 2 weeks ago - the jazz have only won one of their last eight games and after a 116-111 loss to atlanta last night, it's obvious that beating utah is no longer a very impressive victory. as it stands, the jazz only hold a half game lead on the final playoff spot over the blazers, who have now won 8 straight. it's hard to pinpoint exactly why the jazz have been playing so poorly especially as someone who avoids watching their games. i assume it has something to do with mehmet okur's injury which has forced a collins brother into minutes. i would love to see jason and jarron collins enter a two-on-two basketball tournament for twins. not only would they lose to every team of twins, they'd lose to numerous other teams of people who played by themselves because they didn't have a twin.

3. rudy gay - last night, the grizzlies lost 125-117 to the warriors of golden state in a high-paced, frenetic game. for the third consecutive game, pau gasol sat out nursing a jammed big toe. in his absence, rudy gay took over the reins of marc iavaroni's offense. he scored 32 points which tied the career high he set in his previous game, a win against the magic in orlando. and even more impressively, yesterday rudy gay tied a long standing nba record by collecting six total personal fouls over the course of a game. and anyone can foul the other team seven times in a single game, it's rudy gay. but even if he doesn't, he'll still likely remain memphis' leading scorer especially considering that he's the the nba's 9th highest scorer in december with 23.6 points per game and 5th in the league with 40 dunks.

2. mike d'antoni - the suns and spurs played in a close, hard-fought game last night that ended with a 100-95 phoenix win. this was the spurs first home loss of the season and it came while tony parker sat out his third consecutive game. it's easy to say that had parker played the spurs would have won. but in a game where the lead changed hands five times in the final 90 seconds, i think the spurs could have easily won had gregg popovich not been completely out-coached. because after grant hill made two free throws to push the lead to 98-95 with 9 seconds to go, the spurs made an egregious error when with a chance to tie the game, ginobili lost the ball to boris diaw. then egregiously almost as if the spurs didn't know the suns were 0-5 when they didn't reach 100 points, matt bonner committed a clear path foul. this gave the suns two free throws and possession. uh, spurs, the score is 98-95 and the suns are winless when they fail to score 100 points. if you don't give them those two free throws, chances are you'll win. amazingly, boris diaw missed one of two. the score sat at 99-95 and the spurs were given new life. surely they must now know that if they simply keep the suns from scoring another point, victory will likely be theirs. incredibly, the spurs fouled again and steve nash scored the 100th point for phoenix on a free throw that clinched the suns victory. gregg popovich has lost this team.

1. fernando viña - i'm sure andy pettitte couldn't have been very pleased that a few days after explaining that he only used hgh to recover from an injury, fernando viña used the exact same excuse to explain his inclusion in the mitchell report. soon enough, everyone who gets caught with performance enhancing drugs will use this same flimsy excuse as if this was somehow not still cheating. anyways, since the yankees dynasty of the late 90s has come under fire for the numerous alleged steroid and hgh users on their rosters including the aforementioned andy pettitte, i think it's only fair that similar suspicions are raised about fernando viña's castmates on baseball tonight. steroids and hgh could explain why peter gammons was able to return to work less than three months after a brain aneurysm or why tim kurkjian knows so many stats or why john kruk is able to wear non-sweatpants to work.

Marques from Utica, NY: The Anti-Right

well marques from utica, ny, you should be happy to hear that this weekend i not only finally found enough uninterrupted free time to find a picture of you thanks to a google image search for "marques utica ny", but i also got a chance to sit down and enjoy my copy of the mitchell report. and interestingly, as i read through it i couldn't help but notice that, despite what you suggested last week, frank thomas wasn't the player who was hurt most by the report. it doesn't even seem like frank thomas was hurt by the report at all. in fact, he was only mentioned three times in the entire document, once when he was quoted as saying that he'd "love to see testing" and two other times in reference to his helpful and informative comments. since this is infinity times more helpful and informative comments than you provided george mitchell, i think we can safely say that your hateful smear campaign against frank thomas has fallen flat on its face. the only way i could be more pleased with this is if the mitchell report is revised so that the following images are included in a new section of the report: "appendix e: pictures of marques from utica, ny being dumb".

figure 1. marques from utica, ny at blue jays batting practice

figure 2. marques from utica, ny having a picnic

figure 3. marques from utica, ny making pastries

hopefully, marques from utica, ny, you've learned a valuable lesson from this embarrassing episode and realize the consequences of making such irresponsible and inaccurate allegations. perhaps this can serve as a reminder to all future espn sportsnation chatters, and humans in general, that frank thomas didn't need the help of performance enhancing drugs to become the best baseball player in history taller than zero inches. or at least a reminder that frank thomas has weird fans.

Today's Best - 12.16.07

5. boston celtics - coming into the season, the biggest question surrounding the celtics was whether or not they were deep enough to overcome an injury to their big three. this weekend, ray allen missed both games with a calf injury which gave us a chance to see how they would respond in this situation. the celtics responsed by beating the bucks by 22 and then the raptors by 13 as tony allen tried to convince garnett and pierce that the three of them should start a new big three. these two wins certainly don't prove boston is deep enough to withstand an extended injury, but celtics fans should be comforted by these blowout wins nonetheless. boston now sits at 20-2 and probably have accrued more wins in 22 games than kevin garnett's old team will accrue in 82 games. anyways, next up for boston are the detroit pistons in a game that pits the two best eastern conference teams against one another to determine once and for all whether a big three is greater than a big four. number lines worldwide are holding their breath.

4. arizona d-backs - the diamondbacks had a busy weekend in which they made two major trades. in the first one, arizona sent a laundry list of prospects to oakland for dan haren. haren was one of the better pitchers in the american league last year and his addition gives the diamondbacks a very potent duo between he and brandon webb. next, the diamondbacks traded their closer jose valverde to houston for chad qualls and the underachieving chris burke. jose valverde saved 47 games in exciting and demonstrative fashion last year and was part of a strong bullpen that helped arizona make the playoffs despite being outscored. both these moves seem to improve arizona's chances at repeating as division champs. until you remember that a few weeks ago they traded carlos quentin to the white sox. good luck having dan haren and chad qualls replace the 50 home runs carlos quentin hits this april. why am i so excited about carlos quentin? i barely know what he looks like.

3. people whose pants are not on fire - this weekend andy pettitte admitted using human growth hormone in 2002 to recover from an elbow injury. andy pettitte coming clean means two things. first, the mitchell report, which some people had claimed lacked merit, gains a little more credence. and secondly, doubts are raised about roger clemens' denial of the extensive performance enhancing history documented in the same report. not to be outdone, keon clark, ex-toronto raptor, had a 2 and a half year prison sentence thrown out and told a vermilion county circuit court that he "never played a game sober". he admitted he was an alcoholic and drank a half pint ot a pint of gin daily while playing pro basketball and even drank at halftime while in the nba. i don't see what the big deal is, thousands of people drink during halftime of nba games. if keon clark had fired t-shirt cannons and tried to get on the kiss cam during stoppages in play i would have been more concerned. but more seriously, hopefully keon clark seeks the help he needs and can successfully overcome his alcoholism. and as part of the twelve step program, hopefully he apologizes to shawn bradley for this. aside: why is shawn bradley always letting the gravity get sucked right out of the building? it's about time shawn bradley admits he sucks.

2. fred couples - this weekend, tiger woods returned to golf after a 4-month layoff to win the target world challenge. in doing so, he received a $1.35 million check that goes to his tiger woods learning center. considering this is the 4th time tiger woods has won this event, i imagine the children at the tiger woods learning center all take classes about time travel and go on field trips to the moon. anyways, since woods won by 7 strokes the next most interesting story was concerning rory sabbatini who was heading into the final round in last place and mysteriously withdrew citing "personal reasons" and "shin splints". when asked to comment, fred couples was quoted as saying, "of course he did. and roger clemens' agent said he didn't do steroids." i can't express how happy i am that it's gotten to point where golfers make fun of roger clemens. hopefully next week poker players and bowlers will add their two cents.

1. portland trailblazers - the trailblazers won their 7th straight game after beating utah for the second time in four days on friday and then beating the nuggets in denver last night. last night's win was especially impressive because it was the 2nd consecutive night where the recap on espn's nba scoreboard included the phrase "despite a.i.'s [point total]" regarding a denver loss i.e. "blazers knock off nuggets despite a.i.'s 38 points" and "spurs prevail despite a.i.'s 30; duncan back". hopefully, this trend continues and the next few nuggets game recaps are titled things like "despite a.i.'s 75 points, rockets win", "despite a.i.'s new robotic arm, kings prevail", or "despite a.i.'s pizza bagel pre-game meal, he throws up on the court and denver loses by 45." back to the topic at hand, portland has won seven straight and the last four without lamarcus aldridge. during this stretch, brandon roy has been playing exceptionally well, averaging 24.1 points, 5.7 rebounds, 6.7 assists per game while shooting 49.6 percent from the field. frighteningly for blazer opponents though, there is still room for improvement. because, one, in the last seven games, brandon roy has only made 1 of 13 three point attempts and has actually missed his last 12 tries. and two, because he is currently shooting 49.6 percent shooting and not 100 percent.

Today's Best - 12.13.07

5. scrap, pluck, grit, and moxie - good news for anyone who tries, canada is hiring. at least that's what the toronto blue jays would have you believe after signing david eckstein to a one-year, $4.5 million contract. eckstein is known more for being a short baseball player who gives maximum effort than he is for being a good baseball player at a reasonable height. as if that weren't enough, just to prove that he cares more than everyone else, he sprints to first base whenever he gets walked. i assume this is also how he crosses the street. anyways, blue jays manager john gibbons had this to say about his new shortstop and leadoff hitter: "he's a tough out and he really battles. he just seems to find a way to get something done." the only way this could have been a more generic description of a baseball player is if john gibbons explained how david eckstein "plays the game the right way", "takes it one game at a time" and "uses steroids". i can wait until next season when david eckstein is completely mediocre despite leading the league in highest percentage given with 110%.

4. mario williams - with reggie bush likely out for the remainder of the season and vince young struggling, mario williams made a strong case for rookie of the 2nd year with a 3.5 sack game that helped the texans defeat the broncos 31-13. it was houston's seventh win this season, which ties a franchise record. after the game, mario told reporters that "this is our first big-stage game. everybody was watching. we were the only game. we kind of showed the world what we can do." unfortunately, thanks to nfl network, "we were the only game" was the only accurate sentence in his entire response. but i guess if you're second in the league in sacks you say whatever you want.

3. wizards defense on good players - for the first time in their last nine games in miami, the wizards beat the heat 104-91. it was washington's third consecutive win and the fourth time in five games where they held their opponent under 92 points. defensively, the team appears to playing better now than they at any other point during eddie jordan's regime. this is until you realize that the wizards have now allowed a middling player to score a career high number of points against them in back-to-back games. on tuesday, craig smith bullied his way to 36 points while shooting 14 of 22 from the field and last night, chris quinn managed to score 22 points on 6-10 shooting from three. it was both the first time chris quinn has scored 22 points and the first time he's ever entered a game with his shoes on the right feet. regardless, this game has taught us one important thing about each team. first, it's going to be difficult for washington to maintain their current success if they don't figure out how to stop their opponent's 8th best player. and second, if you're a team that allows chris quinn to shoot more than dwyane wade, it's time to invest in some "better basketball" dvds.

2. the parkers - last night, the lakers played a spurs team that was missing two legs of its tripod. ultimately, ginobili wasn't able to support the camera on his own and los angeles won 102-97. the results probably would have been different had duncan and parker played, but like me, they just watched the game helplessly. but as if to prove that we are not at all alike, rumors have surfaced that tony parker cheated on eva longoria, his celebrity wife, with a model. tony and eva have already released separate statements refuting these reports, but this has done little to keep me from submitting numerous all star votes for tony parker. i'd seriously trade an entire year's salary to live tony parker's charmed life for one day. not only would i get to be a star basketball player with two women draped off both of my arms, but i'd make more money in one day as him than i do in an entire year as me.

1. clear plastic report covers - i assume whatever company makes these things made a killing yesterday when the mitchell report was released and then made available for download, for whatever reason. i can't think of another time a document like this was ever widely distributed to the public. it's like in high school when the basketball coach put up the list of players who made the team on his door and everyone rushed to see if they were on it. except in this case, the high school kids are really strong, copies of checks they wrote are included, and the list is 400 pages long. i guess it's not very similar at all. other than the fact that in both cases, my name wasn't listed. maybe next year.

Today's Best - 12.12.07

5. Arthur Blank - Arthur Blank now has a built in excuse for anything he does in his life from now on : "trust issues". Earlier this year he was burned by his Pro-Bowl, franchise quarterback, Micheal Vick who he reportedly trusted and treated like a son and is now serving a 23 month sentence for his role in a dog-fighting enterprise. On Wednesday Blank spoke about his disappointment in coach Bobby Petrino saying that the best way to describe the teams feeling is "betrayed". The betrayal comes from Petrino's decision to leave Blank's Atlanta Falcons to take the vacant coaching position at the University of Arkansas. Just earlier in the week Blank was singing his adoration of his first year coach from the mountaintop that is the booth on Monday Night Football. I think the 65 year old Blank should take this opportunity to have second mid-life crisis, and go out and engage in all sorts of debauchery, nobody will be able to point the finger, he has trust issues!

4. The Struggling Houston B-12 Market - Miguel Tejada was traded from the Baltimore Orioles to the Houston Astros in exchange for five minor league players. The former MVP has turned into the most glorified singles hitter in baseball (.442 Slugging in 2007) and has even lost his Ironman mystique after cracking a bone in his wrist last season, forcing him to miss 29 games. Also of worry is Tejada's diminishing range at the shortstop position especially making plays going to his left. I don't know if it's just me, but every time am watching an Orioles game or an All-Star game that Tejada has been involved in he is ALWAYS stretching, I thought that this would aid in his range at short, but now that I think about it he is probably wrapping up his lunge stretches as dribblers are being hit up the middle.

3. Willie Mays' Legacy - Aaron Rowand has agreed to a five year - 60 million dollar deal to patrol center field in San Francisco. Although nobody can deny the incredible season that Rowand had in the Phillies outfield, and it is clear that Rowand will be an upgrade to the combination of Dave Roberts, Randy Winn and Rajaj Davis that patrolled the position last year, Ii think after the length of the contract both Willie Mays' legacy as the best Centerfielder in baseball history and more importantly in Giants history will remain intact. This however could change if fans and analysts alike begin to count broken bloody faces as a result of making plays in the center a hall of fame caliber stat. If this is the case, Rowand may already have an insurmountable lead.

2. NBA Technical Foul Fund - In the Bulls/Pacers game Troy Murphy and Tyrus Thomas get into a scrap. After being forced to the ground by Murphy after grabbing a rebound and retaliating with a punch to the face. After the ensuing scrum between the two teams, officials awarded Murphy his second technical foul of the game and gave Tyrus Thomas a double technical. Added to an earlier technical foul received by Pacers coach Jim O'Brien this leads to a hefty chunk of change for the technical foul fund. Jermaine O'Neal said of the incident "We appreciate Murph getting thrown out of the game, getting us going." It's kind of difficult to tell if this is a compliment or a put-down, just for the sake of controversy, I'll go with put-down.

1. Carlos Boozer's Elbow - I'd like to applaud what has been reported as an accidental elbow to the face of Steve Nash delivered by Carlos Boozer. The blow chipped Steve Nash's tooth late in the first half and forced Nash to play the entire second half with an oral affliction. I would like to believe that the elbow was targeted and on-purpose. It is time that someone stood up and made sure that Nash remembers the lesson taught to him by Robert Horry last year. That lesson: "Yea, you could run around and make your jump-passes and shoot your threes, and steal MVPs but when it comes down to it, you'll have to out-physical the rest of us to win a championship." Nash went on to finish the game with 29 points and 11 assists while going 10-12 from the field in a Suns 103-98 win, which goes to show you, he refuses to learn his lesson and is a glutton for punishment.

The Freshman Fifteen - Week 3

Dhivy : It took three weeks, but my squad finally laid the lumber to the opposition. In the short-run, I was lucky that finals caused Joe's team to miss a lot of games this week, and that Eric Gordon suffered an in-game injury. It would've been a better long-term solution if they had skipped their finals and been declared academically ineligible, but beggars can't be choosers. Plus, Gordon's injury prevented me from having to send Nehemiah Ingram or Mardy Collins after him. Thanks to these windfalls, I asserted my will in an easy victory and am closing in on the top spot overall. MVP honors for the week go to Nick Calathes, who turned in two sparkling performances by averaging 22.0-5.5-9.0, along with six steals and seven threes. I assume he'll keep this level of play for the rest of the year. I also assume that I'll be very disappointed in Nick Calathes in the coming weeks.

The big men came to play as well. Beasley and Love helped us outrebound Joe & Quang's teams combined. They had so much trouble rebounding that it was a wonder they were able to bound in the first place. Kyle Singler mailed in a performance against Michigan and told reporters that his team was already on cruise control. When asked how Duke could be so casual, Singler said, "I meant Dhivy's team, you clod. Duke who?" And while the win was nice, I'm not about to rest on my laurels. Instead, I'll… work under your hardys?... and get rid of P'Allen Stinnett. He had two subpar performances against Xavier and St. Joe's and has been replaced on my roster by Corey Chandler of Rutgers. He's a great scorer with good range, but I'll be looking for him to step up his assists. I've realized that the only thing more fun that beating Quang and Joe is beating Quang and Joe and proving that I know more than them at the same time. So win, lose, or draw, I'll continue to trot out a bevy a freshman from around the country, while Joe stops to smell the Derrick Roses and Quang turns Donte Green with envy.


Quang: finals hit my team hard as three of my players were limited to only one game this week. therefore instead of schooling dhivy and joe like we usually do, it was in fact my players who got schooled by their teachers in "math308: basic algebra" and "hist723: history of taking naps during class". dhivy capitalized and won the week while also proving that he doesn't value education as much as both joe and i do. this will surely catch up with dhivy when i start doing michael beasley's homework and then tell all the media as much. dhivy's questionable scruples aside, we were already in a pretty deep hole before eric gordon hurt his back in the first game of the week. since he also missed the game against kentucky, i only got 12 minutes from him when i was expecting 80. if eric had played just two average games by his standards, the deficit between dhivy and me would have been much less pronounced. if eric had gotten a 50-30-30-10-10 quintuple-double while hitting 10 threes and converting every attempt from the field and the line though, i would have swept.

although this week didn't end exactly as we planned, i'm still pleased with our production and execution. oj mayo's only played one game but it was the game of the week as usc took on derrick rose and memphis. mayo played well defensively which would have been completely useless for fantasy purposes had he not been playing someone on joe's team. donte green was the only player who played twice, one of which was in an impressive win over virginia where he filled up the box score. his versatility remains an asset on a team where every other player is either chucks or dunks. anthony randolph played decently in a game against villanova where they coughed up a 20-point lead. this would have been crushing had we decided to count wins and losses as fantasy stats. even deandre jordan played well in his only game to rebound from a horrendous week where i almost cut him. anyways, next week our team faces another challenge as oj mayo doesn't play a single game while the rest of the team plays only single games. thankfully though, all these games are against a bunch of directional states like western carolina and east tennessee state. if a third consecutive week passes without a win, changes will be made. such as me paying other students to go to class for all of my players so they can focus only on basketball.


Joe : Back in college I used to hate finals, not only did I have to study and fuel up on coffee to keep my eyes open while studying and taking the tests, but even if I wanted to laze about and watch college basketball my options were limited because the players were taking finals as well. It's still affecting me today as once again my team was steamrolled due to inactivity. I had the only player on any roster that went a full week without playing. Its not as if my team would have won blocks and rebounds if we were at full strength, but with Justin Burrell siting in Jamaica Queens sharpening his number 2 pencils instead of posting double doubles in Carnesceca Arena I stood no shot. With one more game I would likely have moved up in rank in points, steals and assists and I still wouldn't of even had as many games played as Quang. So in short, for the third week in a row I have deduced that on equal footing my team is easily the greatest regardless of Dhivy's roster changes and Quang's bold assertions. Only two things can stop us tournaments and final exams.

I was able to watch all of the games played by my players this week except for Jonny Flynn's 21 and 10 showing against Rhode island, and for the most part everyone did as expected. While O.J. Mayo and his teammates were able to shut down Derrick Rose scoring wise, but as expected he was able to put up numbers in other areas of the game, posting 10 boards and playing great defense himself contributing 3 steals. It was alarming however to see Pat Patterson miss two free throws in a row, I definitely thought it would affect my squad's stellar free throw prowess, but when you have Jarryd Bayless and Jonny Flynn have 6 for 6 games the few shots that others miss here and there don't really matter. One time, I hit 9 free trows out of 10 in a competition against my friends...I made my team in my image!

Marques from Utica, NY: I Hate You

i was reading rob neyer's espn chat this afternoon and i came across this question and answer that, as a tremendous frank thomas fan, i found particularly infuriating.

um, first of all, marques from utica, frank thomas doesn't take performance enhancing drugs, performance enhancing drugs take frank thomas. and the only chance frank thomas has of getting hurt by the mitchell report is if someone leaves it lying around and frank thomas trips over it and stubs his toe. to even suggest that he could be implicated in this or any other report that wasn't written by me in fifth grade is both hog-wash and balderdash. as such, here's what i think would be a more appropriate response to this ridiculous assertion.

seriously though, if anything, frank thomas stands to gain the most from this report. because once this list comes out, everyone is going to realize that in spite of these numerous artificially inseminated players, frank thomas still became baseball's greatest player ever, living or dead or undead.

anyways, by this time tomorrow, i expect this matter will be put to bed after we have all gone over the mitchell report. frank thomas will be exonerated of any wrongdoing in the court of marques from utica ny's opinion and i will be first in line at george mitchell's book signing. then instead of reading chats where someone insinuates that frank thomas may have cheated, i'll read chats where there is an intelligent discussion about things like whether frank thomas should be admitted into the hall of fame tonight or tomorrow night or if we should put an asterisk next to frank thomas' name in the record books for the 400 additional home runs he would have hit if other players weren't on steroids.

Today's Best - 12.11.07

5. joel przybilla - with lamarcus aldridge shelved for at least a week with planar fasciitis, joel przybilla saw a season high 38 minutes and the blazers defeated the jazz 97-89. przybilla grabbed 10 boards and blocked 5 shots, while taking only 3 shots. this jordan-esqaue attempt to get his teammates involved didn't go unnoticed, as the other trailblazers overwhelmed their jazz opponents. when the game ended, portland had secured their 4th consecutive win while utah had dropped its 4th consecutive game. and if przybilla continues making his teammates better and playing at this high a level, i expect both streaks to continue.

4. kosuke fukudome - according to preliminary reports, the latest japanese import has agreed to a 4-year deal with the cubs that will pay him $12 million annually. if things go to plan the cubs will not only add another decent bat to the potent derrek lee, aramis ramirez, and alfonso soriano trio, but also a superhuman samurai centerfielder. anyways, the most interesting thing regarding this acquisition to me is trying to figure out how to correctly pronounce "kosuke fukudome". kose-k foo-q-dome ? kice-k few-koo-doe-may? a-ok fice-k-doom? kosta koufos? costco free q'doba? bazooka joe? if i never learn how to correctly pronounce this name i'll be pretty pleased with myself.

3. warriors' defense - in a game where both teams shot under 40% from the field, the warriors edged the duncan-less spurs 96-84. it was the first game that golden state has won all year when scoring fewer than 100 points. this was obviously due to their stifling defense that kept ginobili to 13 points on 4 of 14 shooting, after back-to-back 37 point games, and tony parker to 11 points on 5 of 14 shooting. even matt bonner was kept in check as the warriors held him to only 25 points and 17 rebounds. had bonner not been facing such a defensive juggernaut, he assuredly would have went off for 81 points last night.

2. cavs' bench - while lebron missed cleveland's last five games with a finger sprain, the cavs averaged a docile 82 points per game while losing each contest. thankfully for the cavs lebron returned last night and was brought off the bench as the cavs beat the pacers 118-105. it was the first time he didn't start a game in his career. his career as a human being. regardless, lebron sparked the cavs and the bench outscored the starters by 30 points. larry hughes scored 36 points while anderson varejao, in his first action of the season, finished with 6 points and 9 rebounds and a lot less money than he was expecting after holding out.

1. the tough - just as expected, since the going got tough, the bobby petrinos got going. because not one calendar year since he accepted the falcons head coaching job and just the night after he coached the falcons to a predictable loss on monday night football, petrino accepted the vacant head coaching job at arkansas. so kids, let this be a lesson, if you're ever obviously in over your head with anything, just quit. during the press conference, petrino claimed that "it was dificult to leave atlanta, the staff, players, fans." i assume petrino misspoke and actually meant to say "it was difficult to leave atlanta, the staff, players, fan." either way, petrino has less than a month to learn about arkansas football before trying to coach them to a bowl victory. hopefully, petrino's gameplan includes limiting darren mcfadden to three carries. then when they get blown out, bobby petrino will quit a job for the third time this year.

Interesting NBA Stats

the nba season is still young, but it's not young enough to not know better. while i figure out what that was supposed to mean, here are some numbers i came across that caught my eye.

182: league leading free throws made by richard jefferson - if richard jefferson continues at this current pace, he'll finish the season with about 710 made free throws which would be 13th most in a single season all-time. and because i can't imagine a realistic scenario where richard jefferson is allowed to join a club where michael jordan, charles barkley, oscar robertson, and moses malone are members, i suspect david stern has another referee scandal on his hands.


9.1: mark madsen's field goal percentage - in 104 minutes this year, mark madsen is 1 of 11 from the field and 0 of 4 from the free throw line. i have no doubt that if all the people who ever went to stanford played a basketball game, mark madsen would get picked last. even after asian physics t.a.'s.

71: eric snow's field goal percentage - this is not a typo, eric snow is shooting... wait, that is a typo. eric snow is actually shooting 7.1% from the field. of the fourteen shots eric snow has attempted he has made only one. if eric snow and mark madsen played a game of horse, it would take three weeks before either one of them could make the joke "ha ha, you're a 'hor'".

66: blocked shots by josh smith - josh smith, at 6 feet, 9 inches tall, has the most blocks in the league. he's averaging 3.5 blocks per game and jumps more often than any other player in basketball.

57: blocked shots by all new york knicks - the knicks, at 98 feet, 9 inches tall, not only have the fewest blocks in the league, but also have been blocked the most times in the league.

0.0: averages of all non-minute stats for ronald dupree, stephane lasme, and marcus vincius - this big three has combined for six minutes and absolutely nothing else. hopefully, they all get traded to the same team so we can watch a game where one team violates the shot clock 70 times and fails to grab a single rebound.

138 and 46: keith bogans' respective field goal attempts from three and from two - so far this season, 75% of keith bogans shots have been from behind the arc. he's made 52 threes compared to 24 two's, which translates to 2.2 threes for every two. if this continues, hopefully bogans can convince dwight howard to also play this way. because then dwight would average 17.3 threes a game while increasing his scoring to 75.1 points per game. it would be insane.

11.9: number of threes salim stoudamire averages per 48 minutes - george mccloud holds the league record for 3-point attempts in a season and ray allen holds the record for most 3-pointers made in a season. salim is currently shooting threes more frequently than both of them. obviously, he has no conscience. which is also why he steals candy from babies.

2: league leading flagrant fouls by jamaal tinsley - this is almost as impressive as jamaal tinsley's league leading number of bullet holes in his car. seriously, why is jamaal tinsley always involved in incidents? i'm sure if the pacers just bought him a copy of guitar hero 3 he'd stop getting into so much trouble and instead not stop a rocking.

69.4: denver's opponents' free throw percentage - this is the lowest opponent's free throw percentage in the league which is good news for the nuggets since the also give up the 8th most points per game. the only explanation for their stellar free throw defense is that george karl devotes practice time for his team to practice taunting opposing free throw shooters. either that or marcus camby blocks a bunch of free throws when the refs aren't looking.

3: number of times rajon rondo has gone to the line and made both free throws - though rondo has improved his field goal percentage from .418 a season ago to .547 this year, his free throw percentage has plummeted from .647 to a horrid .485. rondo is only 6-1, which is too short to be an awful free throw shooter. this likely means that by the end of the season, rajon rondo will have grown 15 inches.

0: technical fouls assessed to the memphis grizzlies - in a bold strategy by new coach marc iavaroni, memphis has decided this year to not allow the other team get free points by keeping their composure throughout the game. as an unfortunate side effect, the grizzlies have become sterile and unemotional as if they were robots or perhaps even robots in disguise. though, if they were robots in disguise, why are they only 6-14? and why wouldn't the other grizzlies transform into rudy gays? i agree, this doesn't make any sense.

54.5: percentage of dwight howard's made field goals that have been dunks - dwight howard has 96 dunks on the year which is fifth best among league leaders. he only trails the denver nuggets, the los angeles lakers, the memphis grizzlies, and the utah jazz. yes, dwight howard has dunked more times than 25 other cities. one-third of his 287 field goal attempts have resulted in made dunks. and if this is the case, logically, dwight howard should start shooting from half court so we can see a half-court dunk on every third magic possession.

404: number of minutes that damon jones has played - i can't win with damon jones. if he plays more than zero minutes, i'm upset because he's awful. and if he plays zero minutes, i'm upset because he's on the bench cheering whenever lebron does something great as if lebron or any of his teammates enjoy his company. my only hope is to get an early copy of the mitchell report and replace all instances of the word "roger clemens" with "damon jones".

9: three-point attempts off the hands of mark blount - to be fair, mark blount has connected on four of his attempts from long range, which is three more than dwyane wade has made so far this year. but before last year, mark blount had attempted one career three pointer. since then, he's jacked 40 threes. clearly, the real mark blount has been kidnapped and the person playing sparingly for the heat is just some 7-foot european player wearing a mark blount mask.

4: number of all star votes i've cast for nick young so far - this would have been much more but for whatever reason, nba.com only lets fans vote once a day.

0: number of things that are dumber than not letting me vote for nick young 1,000 times a day - if i weren't inside right now, i'd use my outdoor voice to scream about nick young.

Today's Best - 12.09.07

5. minnesota timberwolves - in the most impressive win of the weekend, the timberwolves defeated the suns 100-93 saturday night in minnesota. al jefferson had 32 points and 20 rebounds to lead minnesota to only their third win of the season. this meant coming into the game, the suns had won six times as many games by at least 10 points that the timberwolves had won by at least one. minnesota was obviously not interested in the past and held phoenix to their fewest point total of the year. even more impressively, a 4th quarter where each team only scored 13 points wasn't horribly boring. but i'm afraid the news isn't all rosy for the wolves, because despite being a terrific rebounder and adequate defender, corey brewer is a woefully inaccurate shooter. in the last two games, corey has made 6 of 25 field goals while not connecting on any of his three-point or one-point attempts. corey brewer is shooting as if basketball was a multiple choice test he didn't study for.

4. the legal system - i'm no legal buff, but it appears this weekend was a big one for legal buffs. barry bonds entered a not guilty plea in his first court appearance since being charged with lying under oath about using steroids, michael vick will be sentenced later today for dogfighting, and brandon rush was arrested for failing to appear in court on traffic charges which included driving with a suspended license, speeding, driving on the wrong side of the road, and having no proof of insurance. anyways, since i'm probably not going to understand much of the proceedings of these three cases, i'm just holding out hope that judge dredd is residing over each one. not only would i have a better idea of what is going on, but they'd all end after an hour and a half at which point i'd say "that movie ruled."

3. darren mcfadden - in a season of college football where no team proved anything, it was nice to see the heisman awarded to a player whose production was consistently impressive over the course of the season. it's also nice to see that tim tebow is the next player who must overcome the heisman jinx and not darren mcfadden. this was actually the second year that mcfadden came in second which means over the last two years he's been just good enough to not get jinxed, which i think is the perfect amount of good to be. i don't feel like looking anything up, but i'm going to assume that he's the only player who's ever not gotten jinxed in consecutive years. well i guess thousands of college players don't get jinxed each year. but darren mcfadden's the only one that's got that wood baby.

2. philadelphia 1776ers - the sixers and knicks played twice this weekend and philadelphia won both games comfortably. interestingly, in the first game friday night, the knicks won the first quarter 27-26. unfortunately, the sixers won the next seven quarters while outscoring the knicks by 40 points over that span. it was so bad for the knicks that shavlik randolph played in both games which were the first two games shavlik randolph has played in this year. and now thanks to the knicks, we currently live in a world where shavlik randolph is averaging 24 rebounds and 24 personal fouls per 48 minutes. anyways, after the second game, one in which the knicks lost at home by 28, andre iguodala told reporters, "i don't think the knicks played their best basketball." other revelations iguodala shared included: "water is wet", "the earth is round", and "everyone poops".

1. floyd mayweather - since most of the boxing knowledge i have is from mike tyson's and super punch outs, i'm definitely not someone whose opinion you should seek regarding saturday night's mayweather-hatton fight. by my untrained eye though, it was a pretty entertaining bout and floyd mayweather came out victorious after knocking out hatton 10 rounds after entering the ring with mark cuban and other dancing with the stars castmates. i thought this was a terrific outcome especially considering ricky hatton's contingent of british fans booed the star spangled banner during pre-fight festivities. anyways, if mayweather retires like he continues to hint at, he will do so as the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world. but i remember reading once that ants are actually the strongest creatures in the world in relation to their size. and since i beat up ants like every day, logically, i should be able to easily dispatch pretty boy floyd no problem. unless ants don't weigh 150 pounds like i've been assuming.

Today's Best - 12.05.07

5. Slackers - Anderson Varaejo is back exactly where he started. And his little basketball holdout was apparently just so he didn't have to play basketball for more than a month. the hold out turned useless because after the Bobcats offered Varaejo an offer sheet for 3 years 17.4 million, the Cavaliers matched that offer, binding the floppity power forward to the Cavs a team that he reportedly had no desire to play for. In fact, due to his prolonged vacation, Varaejo could have cost himself a bigger contract. A 3-year 20 million dollar contract was offered to him by the Cavs earlier in the process. I'm not sure if Varaejo's absence has affected teh team much but as of now Cleveland is looking for anything. They now sit 2 games below .500 and have their superstar sidelined with a sprained finger. Maybe their needs will be answered in the form of a well-rested Brazilian.

4. Scoring without a purpose - Allen Iverson recorded his 11th career 50 point game but was outdeuled in the fourth quarter by Kobe Bryant. Iverson scored 33 points in the first half and 49 through three quarters and seemed unconscious to that point, nailing an assortment of jumpers, leaners, fadeaways, floaters and layups. Kobe Bryant held him to just 2 points in the first quarter and scored 12 of his own 25 in the final period to pull the Lakers away for good en route to a 111-107 victory. The fact that it didn't facilitate a win may mean that it was an empty 51 points, but watching the game bought back memories of A.I.'s physical hey-day where he exerted his will on every game, put his team on his tiny frame and carried them to respectability.

3. Marquee Operators - Flipping through league pass last night, in every game outside of Lakers/Nuggets it was impossible to notice the surprisingly low amount of star power. In the Knicks/Nets game, Stephon Marbury was grieving the passing of his father Don, his teammate Eddy Curry tweaked his ankle during a team walk-through and Jason Kidd was away from the team because of a "migraine". The Cavaliers were white-washed by the Wizards as Lebron James missed his fourth straight game with a finger injury. San Antonio had to rely on Manu Ginobili to beat Dallas at home as Tim Duncan sat out with his leg injury, and the Raptors were absolutely plastered by the Suns without their superstar Chris Bosh and their budding 2006 1st round pick Andrea Bargnani.

2. Pat White Haters - Four Heisman trophy finalists were selected yesterday to attend the trophy presentation on Saturday. Although the committee usually selects five finalists, only four were selected this year - a direct slap in the face to Pat White, one of the most dynamic exciting and winning QBs this year. The only real reason for White not being invited could be his team falling short of reaching the National Championship game after a close, yet disappointing loss to Pittsburgh as he battled a late injury. However none of the four finalists, Florida's Tim Tebow, Arkansas' Darren McFadden, Hawaii's Colt Brennan and Missouri's Chase Daniel were as close as White was to leading his team to the BCS Championship. I understand that it was unlikely that he would win, but honestly he has the same chances of winning as the other two finalists not named Tebow or McFadden so why not use one of the available spaces to invite White to the ceremony?

1. Defamation Litigators - George Karl and Pat Riley are among the coaches that will be wearing microphones in Thursday's TNT televised games. This is part of a new initiative by the NBA to offer more transparency on the sidelines and lockerooms by miking coaches and some players during games. Although I think the idea as a whole is kind of dumb, I cant wait for the uproar the first time Pat Riley refers to one of his players as a "fat girl" or George Karl, drops a tightly interlaced offensive string of F-Bombs, C-words, S-words, A-words and Consonant-words in general. Can you imagine what will happen when Phil Jackson decides to test out his whole catalog of Brokeback jokes on national TV. I am also intrigued as to what is said on the bench and kind of wish this silly system was instituted last year so we can learn once and for all what Tim Duncan said that got Joey Crawford so mad that he kicked him out of a game. I bet it was something real degrading like, "Hey Tony, look at Joey's pants, where'd he get those...The Gap?"

Today's Best 12.04.07

5. Detroit Restaurants - Detroit has been a city in need of a revitalization for a while now. Many an event has been bought to the city in order to jump start the economy, the Superbowl, the MLB all-star game, Wrestlemania. But I think this time the city has finally gotten it right. The Tigers have acquired Miguel Cabrera from the Marlins, and quite frankly, I think my blogging days are over. I'm headed to Detroit to open up a Venezuelan restaurant. I don't know much if anything about Venezuelan food, but I do know that I will have at least one loyal repeat customer. Although Ozzie Guillen said that Miguel has lost around 15 pounds this off-season, I think thats mainly because he hasn't sampled the cuisine at "Jose's Venezuelan Food" right across the street from Comerica Park.

4. Madison Square Garden - it's official, the garden floor breeds turnovers and poor shooting. It's a curse that even the nation's finest freshmen, O.J. Mayo, Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley weren't able to shake in the annual Jimmy V classic. After an impressive first half, Beasley only managed 2 points on 0-7 shooting in the second half as his K-State Wildcats fell to Notre Dame. Squaring off against each other in the late game, Mayo and Rose combined to shoot 9-29 from the floor with 7 turnovers in an ugly Memphis overtime victory.

3. Reggie Evans - Reggie Evans is the basketball equivalent of a replacement level power forward for the Philadelphia 76ers, and we now know for sure that with the naming of former Nets GM Ed Stefanski as the new Sixers GM that Reggie Evans has a job for life. Its well documented that Stefanski who replaces Billy King loves well below average, if not terrible power forwards. This is evidenced by Jason Collins repeatedly being present at the top of the depth chart on a Stefanski built roster. Reggie Evans is averaging 5.3 points and 8.5 rebounds in this young season which is well above Jason Collins' 1.3 points and 2.3 rebounds per game giving Ed Stefanski roughly four Jason Collins in one player! Then again Ed could just decide that Jason Collins is the missing piece of the Philadelphia puzzle and trade the farm for him.

2. Rampant Speculation - for the second straight day the Johan Santana - to - Boston trade speculation endures as the Twins contemplate which if any of the Red Sox' two offers for the lefty they will accept. The drawn out process insinuates that the Twins are waiting for the Yankees to sweeten their deal to include Phil Hughes along with Melky Cabrera and lower level prospects. Although I am no fan of the Yankees, it seems that the Twins are being rather price discriminatory with the team from the Bronx. There is no way that John Lester and the supremely underwhelming Coco Crisp is compensation enough for the best pitcher in the league.

1. Pee Inspectors - stoner running back, Travis Henry won his marijuana suspension appeal today on the grounds that a handpicked expert of his choice was not present to witness the test. Being an expert that gets handpicked to watch someone pee sounds like the worst job of all time, and I am sure the pee expert union is happy that Travis Henry is fighting the good fight for them. While it is rare for the league substance violation rulings to be overturned, Henry may have also stumbled across a way to address one of the other troubling factors in his life, his 9 illegitimate kids. He can simply have his now loyal following over at the pee-inspectors union diversify into conception inspectors, legitimizing any illegitimate kids the back was planning to have in the future.

Buy One, Get One Free

when i found out today that the white sox acquired carlos quentin from arizona, i clapped loudly and screamed "yes! carlos quentin!" my boss came over to see what the commotion was about, and i quickly told him "oh, uh... nothing. i just really love work!" he was as glad to hear that as i was glad to see that the white sox traded for an outfielder that wasn't darrin erstad. we both win! anyways, last year, it became apparent that quentin was the odd man out among a talented diamondbacks outfield featuring justin upton, the next ken griffey jr, chris b. young, the next eric b. davis, and eric brynes, the next baseball player who tries too hard. at the time, i thought arizona would be better off with carlos quentin than eric byrnes roaming their outfield for the next several years, but eric byrnes proved to be the engine behind their surprising playoff berth and the arizona decision makers were inclined to keep him. and upon hearing about byrnes' contract extension i was openly hoping that the white sox could steal away quentin, who was only a year ago very highly ranked. and to my surprise, that's exactly what they did.

more to the point, not fifteen minutes ago, i was just about to excitedly order a new carlos quentin white sox jersey and then send carlos quentin an e-vite to a pizza party at my place to celebrate this great news. unfortunately, in the process of figuring out how i could get carlos quentin's email address, i came across another piece of newer and more distressing news: the marlins traded miguel cabrera and dontrelle willis to the detroit tigers for cameron maybin, andrew miller, and assorted other prospects. my cheerful mood had been replaced with a more sour disposition as my least favorite team acquired the best young hitter in the league. and now after spending the last five minutes fruitlessly looking for ivan rodriguez's email address so i can send him an e-vite to a party where we throw eggs at him, i'm left to stew alone about this horrific turn of events.

last year, the tigers were already a pain to pitch against with brandon inge and sean casey taking their hacks. those two have been effectively replaced by miguel cabrera and edgar renteria, and now detroit's lineup looks absolutely fearsome. the white sox's only hope next year is that along with his bat, miguel cabrera brings his poor eating habits with him to detroit. but based on initial reports, this seems unlikely. i guess those of us looking for a silver lining can point to the fact that the tigers had to give up king's ransom in prospects to acquire these two. maybin has been talked about endlessly for years now and andrew miller is also highly regarded. also, even though i am a big fan of dontrelle willis, he is coming off of his worst major league season and could face a rough transition into the superior american league. and let's not forget that it is the white sox and not the tigers who traded for carlos quentin, who i expect in this upcoming season will pass hank aaron's career home run total while saving kittens from trees in his spare time. so take that.

in summary, whenever you get an incredible talent like miguel cabrera in exchange for several players who were not guaranteed to start next year, your team has significantly improved. therefore, i think it's obvious that the winner of this blockbuster tigers-marlins trade is me. because after ozzie guillen tampers and meddles such that his long-time friend and countryman, miguel cabrera, is on the white sox at the beginning of the season, i am throwing an epic pizza party and you're all e-vited.

Today's Best - 12.03.07

5. miami heat - the jazz beat the dreadful miami heat last night 110-101 in spectacular fashion by recording assists on 38 of 42 field goals. the only jazz baskets that weren't assisted were a deron williams layup, a deron williams dunk, a mehmet okur dunk, and a carlos boozer 14-foot jumper. miami's teamwork paled in comparison as they recorded not a single assist nor a single point. upon further review, they scored 101 points. regardless, it wasn't enough and the heat fell to 4-13 on the season. but with that said, it appears that miami has finally turned the corner as in this game pat riley kept chris quinn on the bench after insanely starting him twice last week. twice!

4. the man - after a disappointing 6-6 season that led to a bid to the las vegas bowl, ucla predictably fired karl dorrell. generally, any circumstance involving going to las vegas is a victory for me, but they apparently have higher standards in los angeles than i do. but other than having a legitimate excuse for going to vegas, one of the more important consequences of this dismissal is that the already low number of black head coaches in college football is lowered by one. and now out of 119 college football programs only five black head coaches remain, sylvester croom of mississippi state, ty willingham of washington, randy shannon of miami, ron prince of kansas state, and turner gill of buffalo. next up on the man's agenda: changing eye black to eye white and making sure adam morrison averages 39 points a game next year.

3. bart scott - jabar gaffney caught the go-ahead touchdown with 44 seconds left in the game as the patriots escaped baltimore with a 27-24 win. this meant of course that both new england's undefeated season and the '72 dolphins sobriety continued for another week. however, the real story was not the patriots tempting fate and somehow avoiding three separate fourth down non-conversions in their final drive. it was instead bart scott's incredible meltdown after the patriots took the lead for good. after this score, scott was flagged for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. either bart scott was still angry about having given up the lead or he thought he could rid any evidence of this penalty, because he immediately picked up the flag and threw it into the stands. he was subsequently flagged for another penalty, though it's unclear whether the refs actually risked another penalty flag in the process.

2. travis outlaw - it's not often that another player overshadows rudy gay especially in a game where rudy goes off for 30 points on 12 of 16 shooting. but travis outlaw managed to do just that as he banked in a runner at the buzzer to beat the grizzlies 106-105. outlaw scored portland's last seven points which included a short jumper over gasol that bounced high off the rim before rattling in with 56 seconds left and then a corner three with 15 seconds left that gave them a short-lived lead. his final two points reclaimed the lead after rudy gay tipped in an errant shot with 2.8 seconds left. when reached for comment, travis outlaw told reporters, "can someone please ask yahoo! sports to stop showing my stats next to pictures of bo outlaw? he's not even in the league."

1. dwight howard - in the most exciting game of the night, the magic beat the warriors 123-117 in overtime to improve their record to 16-4 and 11-2 on the road. this game featured jj redick getting abused in the post and then getting benched, 111 field goal attempts by golden state, seven players on each team in double figures, 65 three point attempts by both teams, and a sequence where orlando made a basket only to see the warriors inbound the ball, shoot a three while the shot clock still read 22, and drain it in front of the loud oakland crowd. other than that, the star of the game was dwight howard even though it took him nearly three quarters to get get into a rhythm, a credit to andris biedrins and the warriors swarming defense. that considered, he still finished with 18 points, 23 rebounds, and 7 blocked shots. he also had 9 turnovers, which was nearly as many field goals he attempted. either dwight howard needs better shot selection or dwight howard needs to learn how to pass out of double teams. of course my favorite part of dwight's night was when he picked up a technical after getting fouled on a put back dunk and then slapped the basketball support because he was mad at himself for missing the dunk. it was the stupidest technical i've ever seen assessed. next time dwight gets a tech, i hope bart scott is around to throw the ref's whistle into the stands.