Starbury is AWOL

I hope Knick fans will join me in doing a thorough search of all the back seats of trucks in the Pheonix area along with a thorough sweep of intern's offices. New York Daily News beat writer, Frank Isola has reported on the Stephen A. Smith show in New York, that Stephon Marbury is currently AWOL. He did not report to practice today and the team does not know his whereabouts. After a disappointing loss to the then win-less Miami Heat on Sunday, Isiah Thomas informed his team that players that do not show defensive intensity on the court will see a drastic reduction in playing time. Thomas began this process during the game, as he was obviously also disappointed by Marbury's backup Nate Robinson's as third-stringer Mardy Collins played 21 minutes in his first action of the year. Isola also stated that Mardy Collins will be in the starting lineup tonight as the Knicks begin an important four-game West Coast trip in Phoenix.

Although the Knicks' backcourt defense has been atrocious this year, the teams 2-3 record cannot be placed solely on Marbury's play. However, always a sensitive player it appears that Marbury has taken Isiah's motivation strategies in the wrong way and has reacted in a usual childish matter. When taking over as coach last year, Thomas was forced to build the roster's spirits back up and remove the tire tracks that resulted from Larry Brown constant belittling and under-bus throwing from the previous season. Now Thomas must actually do some more conventional coaching which requires him to take the kid-gloves off and call some players out privately - holding them accountable for their performance and energy level on the court. Although I am the the consummate Marbury apologist, I really can't hold his ego, and immaturity over the team, and if these reports of his alienation from the team are true - I personally think that Isiah and the rest of the Knicks front office would be best served to put Marbury in the corner for an adult time-out until he realizes the errors of his ways or the team has no choice but to buy out his unmanageable contract. Although I'd hate to see Marbury go, it would create a surplus of sexy single interns with nothing to do but maybe get into MY truck.

Today's Best - 11.12.07

5. eric gordon - continuing our coverage of noteworthy college basketball debuts by teenagers who only a year ago were in high school shoving nerds into lockers and attending my super sweet 16 parties, indiana's highly touted freshman guard eric gordon scored 33 points to lead the hoosiers over chattanooga 99-79. gordon's arrival in indiana was surrounded by controversy as he backed out of his committment to illinois after kelvin sampson, and his numerous recruiting violations, became head coach at indiana. regardless of what may or may not have happened, eric gordon is a hoosier and along with his 33 points, he added six rebounds, four assists, three steals, and seven three-pointers. though, "numbers didn't tell the whole story" because eric gordon "ignited indiana's second-half charge". apparently, the associated press doesn't think "second" is a number.

4. ron artest - last night, the kings lost to the jazz in blow out fashion, dropping their record to 2-5 on the season. it was more or less what we've come to expect from the new look kings. beno udrih played 29 minutes, even though statistics have proven that he's most effective for the kings when he plays 15 minutes a game for the other team, mikki moore started in place of an injured brad miller, and the kenny thomas and shareef abdur-rahim one-two punch combined for 30 minutes and zero points on 0-5 shooting. but the only stat that matters to the kings from last night's thriller is managing to push the number of games they've played to seven. because now ron artest is free to return from his suspension to try to prove that he's finally turned over a new leaf. his first game is this wednesday against the timberwolves. expect him to come out gunning as i'm sure in anticipation for this game he's spent the last few weeks hunting wolves.

3. jr smith - in the eighth head to head match up between carmelo and lebron, jr smith tried his best to steal the show by scoring 29 points in 24 minutes as the nuggets beat the cavs 122-100. he drained seven of his eight attempts from three, but hit only two of his six attempts from one. though to be fair, jr smith decided to shoot all of his free throws from the other teams' free throw line.

2. any television program that wasn't monday night football - as someone with no vested interest in either team and also as someone who had a comfortable lead in fantasy football coming into tonight, the seahawks-49ers game was painfully uninteresting. but as luck would have it, hbo family was showing galaxy quest. and though i've seen galaxy quest numerous times, i decided that i'd much rather watch tim allen defeat aliens in a farcical comedy for tenth time than watch how bad the nfc west is. consider that while sarris was trying to steal the omega 13 device from the thermians, alex smith was passing for 114 yards. and 45 of these yards came on a hail mary at the end of the 1st half that was ruled a catch despite the fact that arnaz battle clearly bumbled the ball out of bounds. this fake catch was one of only six niner first downs, which actually helped them narrowly avoid matching the meager five first downs the ravens managed last monday night. next monday hopefully will fare a little better when either the broncos host the titans or i host a party to watch dancing with the stars.

1. juanita jordan - news came out yesterday that michael jordan's divorce settlement was going to net his ex-wife juanita $168 million. hopefully she is either awarded this sum is in the form of a large novetly check or she has a press conference where she holds up a jersey with then name jordan crossed out as if she was a free agent. seriously though, how unbearable does someone have to be to be worth a $168 million check? couldn't michael jordan have spent far less money on things that would have helped him just put up with his wife? ear plugs can't cost much more than like $3 or $4 million. and if that's not enough, just keep setting her alarm clock forward so you two are never awake at the same time. or put a pillow under the covers with a taped recording of your snoring so she always thinks you're asleep when you've actually snuck out of the house. but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. and if i knew beforehand that my ex-wife would get $168 million from me if we got divorced, i'd just spend all that money on a house big enough that i could go weeks without seeing her.

Today's Best - 11.08.07

5. pat white - pat white ran for a 50-yard tie-breaking touchdown with 1:36 left in the game to lead the west virginia moutaineers to a 38-31 victory over the underwhelming louisville [louisville's mascot]s. he also had two touchdowns through the air in additon to his 25 pass attempts for 181 yards and 24 rush attempts for 147 yards. the news wasn't all good though, as pat white did not catch a single pass. which i imagine doesn't bode well for his nfl chances since most scouts see him as a receiver in the pros. also not boding well for his nfl chances: he hasn't been drafted yet.

4. clinton portis - when the redskins were making a playoff push in 2005, i attributed their success to clinton portis dressing up in silly costumes for his weekly press conferences. thankfully, after a long hiatus, he's back to his old tricks. i guess when you run for 196 yards the game before, you can do whatever you want. i don't think i can add anything that either hasn't been said or anything that would be better than reading either of these two articles so i won't try. but let's just pretend i did and tell everyone how funny it was.

3. the dallas mavericks - the mavericks beat the warriros 120-115 last night at oracle in a hard fought game. but more importantly, it looks like after beating the team who eliminated them from the playoffs in the first round last year as an 8 seed, it is actually the mavericks who get the last laugh. sure they warriors may have won last may, but according to my calendar it isn't may any more, it's nuggvember. and from what i understand, dallas beating golden state in the fifth game of this season, means a lot more for this season than golden state beating four times out of six last season. anyways warriors, you may have won the playoff series in hilarious fashion last year, but you've lost the fifth game of the year. and the only thing you should "believe" is that payback is a devin harris.

2. everyone but duke - i'm not a particularly big fan of duke. though as joe pointed out to me yesterday when i said that chris duhon was awful, "they're probably not a fan of you either". valid point. but what's interesting is not that i'm not a fan, it's that apparently duke students aren't fans either. according to duke senior roberto bazzani, "the attendance last year was pathetic in terms of fan support." according to random blowhard quang, "duke last year was pathetic in terms of basketball. also, bazzani is a weird last name." i can only hope that this trend continues and this season, greg paulus and jon scheyer play home games in front of one cameron crazy who jumps up and down by himself and krzyzewskiville eventually becomes a ghost town.

1. chinese people - according to the following report, the first matchup between yao and yi will likely blow the super bowl ratings out of the water. this is apparently a really big event in china, which i don't really understand. aren't there a billion chinese people in china? don't chinese people see enough chinese people every day? i guess not, because the game "will air on 19 television stations" and "is expected to draw more than 200 million viewers in china" while "last year's super bowl drew 93 million." this is fascinating to me for so many reasons. how much yen are commercials going to cost? why is it necessary to air this on 19 different stations? what shows are competing against this? two and a half chinese men? are you smarter than a chinese fifth grader? do they have neilsen ratings in china or do they have their own separate chang ratings or something? is there a chinese espn that does excessive analysis on everything? is there a chinese sean salisbury? will either yi or yao say "i'm going to disney world" when one of them wins? does china have a disney world? does china have an epcot center? anyways, for one in five people in china, this is going to be quite an event. however in america, watching two chinese people play basketball is such a non-event that you can't even see the game on tv unless you have nba league pass. communists - 1, david stern - 0.

MLB Jump Offseason

the baseball offseason is barely a week old and it seems like there are already countless hot topics, burning questions, and pitching coaches actually on fire running around the league. how the upcoming baseball season is shaped depends greatly on how these topics are addressed, how these questions are answered, and how quickly these pitching coaches stopped, dropped, and rolled. so here is my take on the most pressing issues along with my prediction for what happens.

1. why on earth are there so many meetings?

today is the last day of the general managers' meetings in orlando. according to this calendar, next week the owners meet in naples, florida and in december, baseball holds its winter meetings in nashville. what do these meetings accomplish that couldn't be accomplished in one meeting or even a conference call? why do the owners need to meet separately? do they even talk about anything or is it just a big slumber party? it seems to me like all these meetings are just part of aan elaborate hoax so that owners can stay up late gossiping and braiding each other's hair while their general managers go hang out at disney world.

prediction: during the owners meetings, george steinbrenner wears bright read pajamas with a butt flap. it's gross.


2. what do the twins do with johan santana?

last season, a frustrated santana voiced his displeasure with the direction of the team. plainly, he told reporters that "it doesn't make any sense for me to be here." this season is his last under contract and twins are faced with a number of options. obviously, they are a better team with santana pitching every fifth day. though, i'd argue that they'd be a much better team with santana pitching every weekday. but that's besides the point, because the question is not should they re-sign him but if they can re-sign him. the twins are very budget-conscious and the going rate for belly-itchers is growing each year. if they decide that they can't re-sign santana then they have to ask whether they should play out the year and risk losing him for nothing, like they did with torii hunter, or trade santana and lose him for risky prospects. it's a tough situation for new twins manager bill smith not only because the twins' immediate future rests largely on this decision but also because bill smith is an extremely boring name.

prediction: the twins pay whatever it costs to re-sign santana and bill smith changes his name to pterodactyl nunchucks.


3. who is going to get miguel cabrera?

the marlins have made very clear that miguel cabrera is on the market and are seeking trade partners. it's hard to understand why florida thinks getting rid of one of the five best hitters in the league is a good idea. yes, his work ethic has been questioned, but i see that as a positive. one, he's currently one of the five best hitters in the league and he doesn't even try and two, if he keeps getting fatter then you'll have two of the five best hitters in the league. it just doesn't make much sense to me. but what do i know? the marlins have won two world series in the last ten years and i haven't come close to winning one yet. so instead of questioning their logic, let's look at their potential trade partners.

like always, the yankees are first in line. between phil hughes, joba chamberlain, and ian kennedy, they have a slew of young arms that they can offer the marlins. unfortunately, the marlins are asking for the entire slew while the yankees have said they are willing to part with only one of the three. the dodgers also could have interest even though they have another young third baseman in andy laroche. they have the prospects the marlins are looking for but again the only question is whether they are willing to part with them. the angels are in a similar position, but have long been afraid to trade potential for production. last up are the beloved white sox, whose manager is a native venezuelan and has been friends with cabrera throughout his young career. they probably can't match the overall talent that other teams have to offer, but maybe ozzie guillen can curse at the marlins so much that they have no choice. whatever happens, the price for cabrera will be steep but i expect it will be worth it.

prediction: the white sox trade their only talented prospects to the marlins for miguel cabrera. miguel cabrera then enjoys a season where he hits 65 home runs and plays each game with a deep dish pizza under his hat.


4. where is alex rodriguez going to sign?

a-rod opted out of his yankees contract because he thinks he deserves a $350 million contract which pays him over $30 million a year to play baseball. an athlete signing a $350 million contract is unprecedented and hard for me to comprehend. even moreso when you consider that even though waterworld was awful it still only cost $175 million. a-rod is looking for twice that. and in what non-waterworld is it possible for someone to justify paying a-rod two waterworlds? but appropriately, major league baseball, like waterworld, operates in a fantasy realm where money is lavishly spent without buyer's remorse. someone is going to write a-rod a fat check, the only question is who. there are only a few teams with deep enough pockets to even speak with rodriguez. though the team with the deepest pockets. the yankees, seems unlikely to be roped into this game. that leaves the red sox, angels, dodgers, giants, cubs, mets, and the san diego owls, the baseball team that plays in the city i made in simcity. we have unlimited resources because i found a code that gives you more money. we're also planning on building a new stadium because the old one kept experiencing brownouts. what a city.

prediction: the angels sign a-rod and i spent the rest of his career calling him "waterworld 2".


5. how is instant replay going to be implemented?

i didn't feel strongly one way or another about instant replay. of course it's important to get the calls right, but is it worth the cost of losing the emotion of the game? are walk off home runs going to be as exciting if they have to make sure it was the right call? but like most things, there is the good and the bad. and i assume general managers have decided they'd rather get the calls correct as opposed to just chalking mistakes up as "part of the game" because they've voted in favor of instant replay. nothing is set in stone yet, but it seems that beginning next year, things like home run calls will be replayed. whether that is all instant replay is limited to or other specifics like how many challenges each team can get or who initiates these challenges is still up in the air. my suggestion: replay everything. every play at the plate, every sliding catch, every normal catch, every strike, every ball. everything. this would result in baseball games that last upwards of eight hours. but more importantly, it'd weed out obnoxious bandwagon fans leaving only the true fans of the sport to feel satisfied that the winning team was the best team without a shadow of a doubt. then while the true fans are watching eight hour baseball games, the rest of us can egg their homes.

prediction: now that instant replay is in place, mlb retroactively awards the orioles the 1996 world series, stripping the yankees of the title. also jeffrey maier is sent to prison forever.


6. why are there so many center fielders available and where do they sign?

uh, there are so many center fielders available because their contracts all coincidentally expired this year. now for the much more interesting question, where are they headed? currently, we're looking at a group that includes torii hunter, andruw jones, aaron rowand, mike cameron. and don't worry, because if your team misses out on any of those four, you still have darin erstad, kenny lofton, and corey patterson looking for employment. and i say don't worry because i honestly don't care about your team especially since mine is going to sign one of the top four centerfielders. anyways, of those four, torii hunter is coming off a stellar year and is therefore the most coveted. myself, i like andruw jones. the critics will line up and tell you how he's lost a step in the outfield while the stats will line up and tell you how woeful he was at the plate last year. but for some reason i trust him more than i trust torii hunter. next up is aaron rowand whose claim to fame is playing recklessly. even though i'm a big rowand fan, i can't see him duplicating his stats last year. the booby prize is mike cameron who is facing a 25-game suspension. so even before you factor in eventual injuries, next year he's already only playing a 137 game season. but one time, mike hit four home runs against the white sox in chicago. i'm hopeful the white sox sign him based on this alone. can you imagine how good the white sox would be if he managed to only do half that each game? in summary, these are all good center fielders. though because the market is a little flooded, i expect some team is going to get a center fielder at a bargain.

prediction: the white sox get andruw jones at a bargain after also spending heavily on torii hunter, aaron rowand, and mike cameron.


7. what team will barry bonds play for next year and how will their fans react?

just based on his inability to play the field, i think the list of barry bonds suitors is pared down to the fourteen american league teams. more interesting to me though, is since he is the most unliked player in the league, how will the fans of whatever team eventually signs him embrace him? i'm sure there will be initial outrage, but can fans ignore his surly demeanor and the steroid allegations if he produces like he's capable of? or will they be too disappointed about their team's tacit approval of the one player directly in the middle of the entire steroid controversy? i've spent some time thinking about it and i'm still not sure where i stand. would he help enough to overshadow the impending media circus? should that even matter to me? thankfully, since ozzie guillen has publicly stated that he wouldn't welcome barry bonds onto his team, i'll never know how i'll feel. though for oakland, baltimore, texas, seattle, los angeles of anaheim, and new york of bronx fans, it's something they are forced to consider. it's a tough situation. but if i were barry bonds, i'd just retire. then i'd move to the dominican republic and return to baseball next year as a 17-year old baseball prodigy.

prediction: barry stays in the bay area and signs with the athletics. it's a perfect fit. he doesn't have to move and no one watches a's games anyways.


8. who would re-sign juan uribe?

ken williams, the smartest man alive, that's who. i guess more appropriate questions would have been "why is juan uribe the greatest?" and "why does juan uribe mean more to me than school or church?" but, that ship has sailed. and besides, the answer for both questions is the same: because juan uribe ate my homework. since frank thomas left, juan uribe has been by far my favorite white sox player. i couldn't bear to see him hit an average amount of home runs and get on base fewer than 3 out of 10 times for any other team. apparently though, i'm one of the few who feel this way. for some reason, most white sox fans are quick to kick him out the door even though he's a perfectly normal shortstop who has made a handful of the most important defensive plays i've ever seen. i'd like to say that he's just fallen victim to the prevailing "what have you done for me lately" world. but since his long list of what he's done lately includes things like "get cleared of any involvement in someone getting shot in the dominican republic", "hit a walk off home run against the indians last year" and "exude greatness", i think the problem isn't "what have you done for me lately" it's "why have you done so much for me lately". whatever the case is, thanks to a one-year, $4.5 million deal, i'm ensured of another year of wearing a juan uribe t-shirt jersey that isn't comically out of date. and for that i'm grateful.

prediction: juan uribe wins the mvp next year. the mvp of the wii sports tournament he holds in his basement.

Cotto Must Break Mosley

In Rocky III, Apollo Creed agrees to be Rocky Balboa's sparring partner and trainer for the fight of the century against Clubber Lang, a loudmouth, brash champion on the rampage. Apollo Creed, Balboa's former rival and ex-champion seems to bring out the best in Balboa, getting him re-focused on his inner strength and preparing him for his eventual victory against Lang. In the next installment of Rocky, Creed is savagely killed in the ring by a wrecking machine named Ivan Drago.

Earlier this year, "Sugar" Shane Mosley agreed to be his former rival, and now business associate Oscar De La Hoya's sparring partner prior to the Floyd Mayweather - Oscar De La Hoya super-fight. Apparently Mosley wasn't able to get him re-focused and prepared as Mayweather defeated De La Hoya handily by decision. On Saturday, Shane Mosley faces his next installment, in the form of wrecking machine, Miguel Cotto for Cotto's WBA Welterweight championship. Mosley should hope that the parallel does not hold true again and he isn't savagely killed in the ring by Cotto's supernatural power to the body.

Miguel Cotto (30 - 0 - 0 (25 KO)) was last seen in an eleven round TKO victory over the enigmatic Zab Judah. Judah lost the will to fight mainly due to the punishment inflicted by Cotto's body punches but also due to two vicious, yet incidental low-blows early in the fight. Ive never seen a fighter induce so many knockouts and stoppages with body punches. Although Cotto has the tendency to get hit because he is always moving towards his opponent, he never stops punching and has beaten fighters that have tried to win a defensive fight as well as those who have tried to match his aggressive style.

Shane Mosley (44 - 4 - 1 (37 KO)) stopped Fernando Vargas twice in 2006, however Vargas was clearly in the swan-song of his troubled career. Mosley has not had a signature win since beating Oscar De La Hoya for the second time in 2004. Cotto doesn't immediately seem like the type of fighter that would give Mosley trouble as Shane's losses have come to defensive fighters Winky Wright and Vernon Forrest that were able to deal with Mosley's superb hand speed. Mosley has a skill-set similar to Judah however and Cotto was able to deal with that style without much trouble in his last fight.

Cotto is nine years younger as well as a hungrier fighter who is in the prime of his career with hands made of stone. He is extremely comfortable in the ring at Madison Square Garden, winning his last two fights there decisively amid throngs of supporters from his native Puerto Rico. He is never outworked and his only weakness seems to be reach and height disadvantages caused by his Mighty Mouse stature. Mosley however wont be able to capitalize on these disadvantages fully as he is only one inch taller than Cotto. Vegas is favoring Cotto as well, offering a moneyline of around -150, and although a notorious slow starter, Cotto will prevail and it's a bet that I would surely take. Mosley has never faced someone with this type of power and will be worn down into submission like most of the other fighters that have tried to stop Cotto in the past.

Today's Best - 11.06.07

5. Quentin Richardson - As the only Knicks starter not to score 21 or more points in a 119 - 112 victory over the Nuggets, Quentin Richardson made sure that too many cooks did not spoil the broth. And judging from Quentin's pudgy build, the last thing he wants is spoiled broth. His seven points were also coincidentally the margin of victory, making them the most important seven points of the game. More importantly, those seven points ruined George Karl's night, as earlier in the week he was quoted as saying that the Garden was his favorite place to win games. It's a shame he wont have the chance to do so again this season unless the Nuggets and the Knicks meet in the NBA Finals.

4. Paul Byrd - Less than three weeks after published reports indicated that Byrd purchased $25,000 worth of human growth hormone from an anti-aging clinic the Cleveland Indians picked up a $7.5 million team option on the 37 year old soft-tosser. Long-time proponent of tougher performance enhancing drug rules in baseball, and long-time blowhard, Curt Schilling also inked a contract for next year signing a $8 million dollar deal. The fact that Paul Byrd's perceived value is only $500,000 less than that of Schilling, a veritable hall of fame candidate tells me that I need to get my hands on some HGH immediately; if we all take HGH at Garbage Points then maybe we can get almost as many readers as the more well known sports blogs - it's a perfect parallel.

3. Priest Holmes - In an unlikely turn of events Priest Holmes, after an almost two year absence from regular play in the NFL may regain his starting position at running back for the Kansas City Chiefs. Two years ago fantasy football players everywhere that selected Larry Johnson in their drafts reaped the benefits of a monster season when Priest went down with a severe neck injury. Now the Priest seeks Penance from those that were ruined by his 2005 injury and took the chance on him this season. With Larry Johnson bound to miss at least this week with a sprained foot, I for one think that Priest has a good chance to match Johnson's 2005 stats when he ran for 1750 yards and 20 TDs mostly after taking over as the starter. I'd advise all fantasy managers to get Priest in their lineups for this week especially since due to the difference of severity in the injuries, he may only have one week to compile all of those stats. I know in my league's scoring system that's a whopping 295 fantasy points! You cant leave that kind of production on the waiver wire.

2. Strippers - NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell made a lot of aspiring actresses and veterinarians happy with his decision to uphold the full season suspension of Adam "Pacman" Jones. If Jones was granted reinstatement after 10 games, a condition that Goodell suggested would be considered, one would have to assume that Jones would start to eat lunch at the Titans team facilities instead of his daily trips to the local strip club lunch buffet. In his attempt to refurbish the NFL's image Goodell has killed two birds with one stone. He keeps the troubled pro-bowl corner-back off of the field, reinforcing his hard-line stance on personal conduct and at the same time he shows that the NFL truly cares about showing benevolence to single-mothers.

1. Chris Paul - Chris Paul set a Hornets team record by dishing out 21 assists in a win against the Lakers. More impressive was the fact that he only played 35 minutes. 6 of the 21 assists were on Peja Stojakovic three pointers as the sharpshooter returned to his Sacramento Kings shooting form knocking down 10 shots from beyond the arc. Paul found time to also drop in 19 points while passing the basketball around like it was a hot-potato. This performance solidifies my theory that Chris Paul is the awsomest! And apparently Kobe Bryant feels so as well, commenting that "Chris Paul, he's a fantastic player. He's really something.", yep Kobe that's right he is something, hes the awesomest!

Colorado Must Be Stopped

i bit my tongue when they somehow changed halloween from october 31st to rocktober 31st, but colorado's recent obsession with recreating our calendar has now gotten out of hand. weeks ago i bought a plane ticket home for thanksgiving. now i'm not sure whether thanksgiving is still on or even if my ticket scheduled for "november" and not "nuggvember" is still valid. it cost like $400! and what about their blatant disrespect for our veterans and their day? i can already see the chaos now: "uh, i'm sorry veterans, but veterans day is the 11th of november. today is clearly the 11th of nuggvember. and according to our company's policy, i'm afraid i can not accept this 'buy one whopper, get one free' coupon." we can not continue to stand idly by while colorado progressively invades the entire year. because if we do, here's what i think we'll be faced with.

• janugguary - the new year never starts because everytime the countdown gets close to zero, carmelo anthony hits a clutch jumper and sends the old year into overtime.
• febroncoary - instead of "be mine", "kiss me", and "maybe tonight", valentines day candy hearts read "be mike shanahan's", "kiss mike shanahan", and "definitely mike shanahan every night".
• mavalarche - if you don't wear green on st. patrick's day, you no longer get pinched. you get penatly minutes.
• avaprilanche - tax day is avaprilanche 15th. avaprilanche fool's! tax day is every day, and the avalanche only accept hip checks.
• carmaylo anthony - while everyone else is taking siestas to celebrate cinco de carmaylo, carmelo runs around pouring salsa on our heads.
• junuggets - hey george karl, thanks for knocking out this rent! hey george karl, i sure love this hot water! hey george karl, this is easy to read with all this light! happy father's day, george karl.
• julykies - fireworks on independence day have been replaced with matt holliday coming down your chimney to hit you with a bat. why is he coming down a chimney? because colorado is out of control.
• broncaugust - since nothing noteworthy happens in broncaugust, colorado just gives everyone bronchitis.
• septembrock - on labor day everyone gets the day off of work, to do todd helton's chores.
• rocktober - every rocktoberfest, the rockies get swept in the world series forcing the rest of us to put up with the growing smugness of red sox fans.
• nuggvember - in nuggvember, grown men go to nuggets games, hold up signs that look like they were made by elementary school students, and embarrass their families.
• decembroncos - jay cutler is makes a list and checks it twice, thereby finding out who's naughty and nice. then he throws coal at you if you're on either list.

is this a world you want to live in? is this dumb list anything you ever want to read again? well if coloradoians... colorodeos... choleras ...if they have their way, this is exactly what we're headed towards. so unless the knicks and nuggets prove that they've learned nothing from their last game in new york and get into the exact same fight tonight, resulting in david stern suspending both teams and both states, we'll have to take it upon ourselves to stop this madness before we all have to buy new far side desk calendars. and if that's the case, i think the first step we should take is to ignore these fake month names. i guess that's also the last step. whatever, maybe the knicks and nuggets will get into another fight anyways.

Today's Best - 11.05.07

5. the wizards - for the first time this season, the wizards have gone two consecutive days without losing. they don't play until thursday, and by then they could conceivably have a four day non-losing streak to build on.

4. isiah thomas - a day after the knicks home opener, they were greeted with heavy skepti- and criti- cisms. and this was after a game they actually won. i guess it's business as usual in new york. luckily though, isiah thomas doesn't give a blank about these white people. and thanks in part to that mantra, he has managed to keep the knicks focused on wins and losses and not what is going outside of madison square garden and trucks.

3. steve mcnair - sure ben roethlisberger threw five first half touchdown passes, but did he return from injury further cementing his status as one of the toughest players in the nfl? well, i guess he did later in the game. irregardless, the point is that steve mcnair proved that he still has it. provided "it" is what football scouts call "the ability to lead your team to five total first downs in an entire game. that's 1.25 first downs per quarter. i don't even know what .25 a first down is and i'm a football scout." on the bright side, steve mcnair's job is likely safe as he finished with 63 passing yards compared to kyle boller's paltry 21. this means mcnair had three passing yards for every passing yard boller had. maybe next week the ravens will try playing them both at the same time. that's like at least four yards every pass!

2. josh howard - in his second game back from a two game suspension for shoving brad miller, josh howard helped the mavericks beat the now once defeated rockets. dallas is 2-0 in games where josh howard plays and only 1-1 in games where juwan howard is the only j. howard available. of course jason terry may steal the headlines from this game, it was josh howard who had 21 points on only 11 field goal attempts who, to me, stole the show. logically, had he not played the mavericks would have lost 98-86 instead of winning 107-98. logically.

1. derrick rose - in his debut, freshman phenom derrick rose led the 3rd ranked memphis tigers to a 102-71 win over tennessee-martin, which i assume is another school and not just a person named tennessee martin. rose scored 17 points, along with 6 boards, 5 assists, and 2 blocked shots. after the game he said of his performance, "i'll give it a c. i can do a lot better." according to most conventional grading scales, this means an "a" game for derrick rose is 34 points, 12 rebounds, 10 assists, and 4 blocked shots. though even with derrick rose's self-imposed ceiling, opposing guard lester hudson said that rose was the "fastest point guard i've ever played against." looking at lester hudson's game logs from the last two seasons, i'm not sure the point he's trying to make.

Today's Best - 11.04.07

5. non-washingtonian big threes - while the play of the wizards' trio resulted in unexplained fist-shaped dents in certain walls of my home, other big threes were enjoying much more success playing effective basketball. most notably, kg and the power of three debuted this weekend and two games later look very impressive. further, new jersey's big three beat the sixers after getting throttled by toronto, san antonio's big three tossed aside the kings, and indiana's love of taking big threes is a significant reason they are 3-0. but since three's a crowd, i doubt these teams will make much noise come playoff time.

4. kobe bryant - over the summer, kobe expressed his desire for a trade and voiced his dissatisfication with his current laker teammates. as we should have expected, it appears that this was an ingenious motivational ploy all along. because over the weekend, thanks to surprising contributions from those same laker teammates, los angeles routed the suns in phoenix and beat the jazz handily at home. i imagine kobe will try to keep up this momentum by leaving his teammates messages reminding them how awful they are while also reminding them how bad he stuffed kirilenko last night.

3. grand valley state - in an exhibition game in east lansing, grand valley state, a division ii school, overcame the fact that "grand valley" is not among the 50 real states and toppled the 8th ranked spartans in double overtime. luckily for michigan state, this was an exhibition game and the points didn't matter. it was basically just an episode of "whose line is it anyways". except instead of drew carey laughing at colin mochrie's improv comedy it was tom izzo screaming at drew neitzel's improv comedy. but exhibition or not, grand valley state pulled off an impressive upset. and if they ever apply for statehood, they have my support.

2. adrian peterson - the chicago bears backup running back will receive a pleasant surprise monday morning when he opens up his local newspaper and finds out that he broke the single game rushing record, even though his team was on a bye. excited, and under the assumption that the hall of fame will probably want his equipment to put on display in canton, adrian peterson sends them his slippers, a bathrobe, and the bowl he ate cereal out of while sitting on the couch. once that is settled, peterson decides to stop by bed, bath, and beyond to buy a new cereal bowl.

1. a-rod - according to sources on friday, a-rod was seeking a $350 million deal from the yankees. according to additional sources, other things a-rod was seeking from the yankees include the moon, a time machine, lou gehrig's disease to be renamed alex rodriguez's disease, and an iphone. what is it even like to walk around thinking in your head that you're worth $350 million? wouldn't you just always think to yourself, "wow, i'm not wearing nice enough pants" or "why am i walking around when i could be riding a zebra?" but with all that said, if i were an owner and a-rod was asking for $350 million, i'd probably just bite the bullet and sign him. then i'd hand him a $350 million gift certificate to chili's. "hope you like awesome blossoms, you jerk."

Season Preview: MVP

the nba season is barely two days old and joe's atlanta hawks unsung hero was has already been cut. so in order to ensure that we get some of our uninformed predictions right this year, we decided to make so many uninformed predictions that it's impossible that we don't get a few of them right. at which point we will gloat and tell you how we told you so. here are our 2007-08 manchurian valuable player candidates.

Dhivy:
10. kevin durant - his team won't win enough, but he's already a player you have to gameplan for
9. jason kidd - no one impacts a game as much as he does while shooting as little
8. chris paul - the hornets will be a good story this year, and he's the face of the franchise
7. dirk nowitzki - can score from anywhere, but his leadership is still a concern
6. tim duncan - quietly the most efficient all-around player in the league
5. kobe bryant - who boos their team's best player during pre-game intros? hollyweird, indeed.
4. gilbert arenas - he has never missed a last second shot in his career. ever.
3. dwyane wade - if he ever learns to shoot threes, he's unguardable.
2. lebron james - he's basically the only option on his team and he'll still carry them to the best record in the east
1. yao ming - rick adelman's system will maximize yao's outside shot and passing

Joe:
10. Stephon Marbury - Yeah yeah, I know its a blatant homer pick, but it's only logical that when the Knicks are the best team in the league, it goes to their most important player.
9. Tracy McGrady - A shoo-in to be in contention, but his back is also a shoo-in to act up.
8. Dirk Nowitzki - The sports writers will keep his name in the running for a while, before they remember they made a HUGE mistake last year.
7. Kevin Garnett - Similar to Dirk, he is not reliable in clutch/pressure situations, but with confidence in his team he should be able to put up huge numbers.
6. Gilbert Arenas - I wasn't going to rank Gilbert this high but then I saw him make this quote before the Wiazards take on the Celtics in Boston's home opener:

So listen here. On November 2nd, we're going to go into that building, we're opening up Boston. Right now I'm telling the Boston fans: You guys are going to lose. It's not going to be a victory for Boston. You might as well just cheer for me, because Boston isn't winning in Boston for the season opener. I'm sorry.

5. Carmelo Anthony - One of the most unstopable scorers in the league, and will take on a bigger leadership role.
4. Jason Kidd - Heading into the twighlight of his career with a team as good as it's going to get in the forseeable future, Kidd will continue to contribute everything
3. Tim Duncan - The model of consistency, expect 26 and 12 along with a stellar team record.
2. Lebron James - Mr. Do-everything for the team, especally with all of the contractual problems in Cleveland. If Lebron leads them to a respectable season and the playoffs, he will be completely deserving of the MVP honor.
1. Kobe Bryant - I think its a win - win with Kobe, to maxamize his levergae Kobe will go on the greatest scoring spree ever witnessed if he stays in L.A. If he is traded, to make sure, it's justified he will just dominate wherever he goes.

Quang:
10. dwyane wade - keeps getting better, also keeps getting injured.
9. dwight howard - he's currently on pace to block 164 more shots than he misses.
8. dirk nowitzki - no player is more important to his team. other than the next seven players. and some other ones i'm forgetting.
7. gilbert arenas - once he's fully healthy, the seven threes he missed in his first game will be the only ones he misses on the year.
6. amare stoudemire - i refuse to include more than one sun on my ballot and i think stoudemire is going to have a better year than nash. or at least one with more dunks.
5. tim duncan - constantly overlooked. even as you read this, i'm overlooking him.
4. kevin garnett - the big three are going to be pretty intimidating this year and since garnett's the tallest, he'll probably have the best year.
3. carmelo anthony - all the pieces are in place for a big season. especially if those pieces keep him from hitting someone again.
2. kobe bryant - unlikely he maintains his current 45 points per game average. he'll probably finish the season in the 65 ppg range.
1. lebron james - somehow got a team with damon jones into the finals last year. hopefully this year, he'll somehow get a team with damon jones to cut damon jones.