Today's Best - 01.15.08

5. denver's alternative big three - last night, the nuggets dropped a game in atlanta, 104-93. the game recap mentions denver's big three while talking about carmelo, iverson, and j.r. smith. i thought this was odd considering junior smith had only played 29 minutes in the previous six games including three dnp-cd's. i guess the associated press is free to come up with any big three they want. i was much more interested in another nugget big three: anthony carter, eduardo najera, and yakhouba diawara. while the first big three combined for 84 of denver's 93 total points and two ejections, this lesser known trio comibined for zero of denver's 93 points on 0-of-14 shooting from the field. even worse, none of them nor their shooting woes were ejected. hopefully for the nuggets, this was actually an involved tribute to allen iverson, who last night passed larry bird and gary payton for 21st place on the all-time scoring list. what better to pay their respects to iverson's tremendous career point total than to not add to your own?

4. jamal crawford - joe's favorite knick went off last night and helped new york defeat washington in madison square garden, 105-93. jamal scored 29 points and made 6-of-7 from three to give the knicks consecutive wins for the first time since november. the wizards meanwhile were without backup point guard turned starter, antonio daniels, and tried their best to kill any buzz i had left from their home and home sweep of the celtics. but i definitely cursed too much during and after monday night's game to forget how great that win in boston was. besides, oleksiy pecherov jacked up six threes tonight. before i babble about the zards any further, let me commend the knicks for a standout performance. they played very well throughout the game and never stopped taking it to washington. plus, now boston is probably upset that a team they couldn't figure out this weekend, couldn't figure out the 11-win knicks.

3. marc iavaroni - in a highly anticipated matchup, by me at least, between rudy gay and lebron james, lebron scored a season-high 51 points to lead the cavs to a 132-124 overtime win. and though rudy gay scored 21 less points, he outrebounded lebron 9-to-8. so i'll call it a draw. anyways, i've run out of things to say about lebron, which is unfortunate since he appears headed for a long and successful career. thankfully, marc iavaroni is here to pick up the slack. when asked about lebron after the game, iavaroni said that "lebron is fantastic" and then added, "he's 6-foot-9, and he can see." later in the interview when he was asked about rudy gay, iavaroni told reporters "he's 6-foot-9, and he can see." then someone asked him to explain jessica alba's character in the upcoming thriller "the eye". marc iavaroni paused to gather his thoughts, and then explained "she's 6-foot-9, and she can see. also, this movie looks kind of dumb."

2. inattentive baseball players - according to statistics cited at the congressional hearings on tuesday, from 2006 to 2007, the number of players in the league who took medication for attention deficit disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder rose from 28 to 103. since the percentage of baseball players who received permission to use stimulants like ritalin and adderall is about eight times greater than the normal adult population, it was hypothesized that this increase is due to the recent ban on amphetamines. and though this seems like a sensible conclusion to me, i'd rather give these players the benefit of the doubt. especially because it's much funnier to imagine a sweeping epidemic of add and adhd around the league as if it were an airborne disease. also, i remember a year or two ago, adam laroche, who actually has add, fielded a grounder for the braves and trotted so slowly to first that the runner beat him there. this opened up a six or seven run rally and he was benched the next day. hopefully with this new influx of add'd players, incidents like this become commonplace. or maybe i just want to see a runner on first try to steal third by running directly across the diamond.

1. ms. pacman - yesterday, news of the latest incident involving adam "pacman" jones, strip clubs, and arrest warrants came out with the added wrinkle of hitting women. as far as i can tell, pacman was at a strip club when he accused its managers of stealing his money and bracelet. then as the argument moved into the hallway, the victim, who was at the club because she was handling a divorce case involving pacman, was punched in the face. i don't want to get on my high horse here especially before all the facts are revealed, but as a general rule of thumb punching women is not a particularly good idea. and if you must punch women, make sure you don't punch any that are handling a divorce you're involved in. anyways, wherever she is, i'm sure ms. pacman is smiling. though if i had to guess, i imagine she's in some sort of complicated maze. and she's probably not smiling so much as she's expressionlessly opening her mouth.

Today's Best - 01.14.08

5. k-marts - the ongoing battle over the k-mart nickname continues between kevin and kenyon. since i don't really like these lazy, unimaginative nicknames or k-marts in general, i'm not particularly interested who comes out on top. though if i were, yesterday's developments would give me something to think about. kevin martin led sacramento to a 122-120 win over dallas. in his second game back from injury, he came off the bench to score 39 points on 14-of-16 shooting in only 28 minutes. not to be outdone, kenyon martin scored 12 points in a 119-116 loss to the improved bobcats. well i guess he was outdone, but reports of nene likely to miss time with an undisclosed medical situation mean kenyon will have plenty of time to present his case.

4. kobe bryant - with the news that andrew bynum will miss at least eight weeks with a knee injury, kobe bryant seemed to take it upon himself to replace bynum's production in leading the lakers to a 123-121 overtime victory in seattle. interestingly, kobe apparently thinks that andrew bynum shoots 20 times a game because in 42 minutes of play kobe shot 44 times and finished with a season-high 48 points including the game winner. anyways, if this game is any indication, over the next two months, two trends concerning the lakers will become evident. first, kwame brown will struggle to replace bynum's post offense and shot blocking. and second, kobe bryant will average 48 ppg over this stretch because he's tired of deferring.

3. titan's soapbox - if i were in charge of making polls, one of the choices for "the biggest problem with the new american gladiators" would be "it's so awesome that i refuse to do anything productive before or after i watch it". but alas, i'm not. anyways, partly because i don't remember the name of the woman who blew through the eliminator to set a record time for both men and women, the best thing about last night's episode of american gladiators was titan, who took it upon himself to explain to the viewers what american gladiators was about. after one of the contestants was injured in powerball, titan made the audience clap while telling them that the injured guy was a warrior and was what this show is about. he followed this up by getting knocked off in joust to which he replied that great competition is what this show is about. i can only assume that after hellga was launched into a pool of water after her target was hit in assault, titan began to talk about how that was what the show is about before he realized no one was asking him.

2. chris bosh - chris bosh got a much deserved day off after a weekend where he played 99 minutes, scored 78 points, and grabbed 25 rebounds in two toronto wins. as a result of his exceptional play, on monday, he was named the eastern conference player of the week. and if chris bosh continues to follow in the footsteps of lebron james, the previous eastern conference player of the week, next week we can expect reports to surface about chris bosh speeding like a madman on a toronto highway. luckily for bosh, not only is it unlikely that canadian mounties have horses that can run 101 mph, it's unlikely they'll even want to figure out how to convert 101 mph to the metric system.

1. tough juice - last night, the wizards defeated the celtics, for the second time in two nights, 88-83. washington becomes the first team to beat boston twice this year thanks in part to caron butler's terrific play down the stretch. he finished with a modest 21 points but twice scored go ahead baskets with under a minute to go and added two free throws that put the wizards up three. caron actually hasn't missed a free throw since december 28th against the nets or more familiarly, since i had money to bet on them.

The NBA Dunk-O-Meter

thanks in part to last week's anthony johnson dunk-fest, i've been i've had dunking on my mind. as such i've spent a considerable amount of time looking over cbs sportsline's dunk-o-meter which has kept track of the number of dunks by each player over the course of this season. here's a brief look at the current top 50.

anyways, as far as i know this is the only resource that provides information about dunks. but since i don't know very far at all, it's very possible there are multiple other sites that offer meters of dunks or similar lists. regardless, here are a few of the most fascinating things that i observed.

- 296 different players have combined for 3,915 dunks so far this year. of these 3,915 dunks, only one was a rudy gay dunk on luis scola that was so vicious i couldn't eat solid food for a week.

- among the top five most frequent dunkers, shawn marion is the only player who went to college. the other four likely had a lot of ap credit coming out of high school.

- it's no surprise that dwight howard leads the league in dunks. he averages 3.5 dunks per game. he's dunked 50 times more than the next closest player and almost 100 times more than his teammates. in fact, the magic currently employ eight players who have not dunked.

- david lee leads white people in nba dunks with 50. tied for last with zero is kyle korver of the utah jazz and mark of the accounting department at your job. among others.

- among the top 30 most frequent dunkers, andre iguodala has the lowest shooting percentage at 43.9 percent. either iguodala is just a bad shooter or perhaps worse, a bad dunker.

- jason maxiell and kenyon martin have dunked 46 and 45 times respectively but neither have made enough other shots to qualify for the league leader in field goal percentage.

- the nine former dunk contest winners still in the league have combined for 111 dunks. josh smith is first followed by kobe and vince. nate robinson and fred jones are tied for last with only one dunk so far this year. but i'm sure after another 15 attempts nate will have finally gotten his second dunk of the year.

- the five former three point contest winners still in the league have combined for 18 dunks. dirk nowitzki is first and has more dunks than the other four combined. and though jason kapono is last with zero dunks, he's made the most three pointers this year. other than ray allen. and peja.

- zach randolph has zero dunks on the year. even though he's a prototypical below the basket player, you would think that at 6-9 he'd have accidentally got one by now. even antoine walker and antawn jamison have both dunked once this season.

- royal ivey, casey jacobsen, luke jackson, eddie jones, roger mason jr, richie frahm, and yakhouba diawara have each dunked more times than shane battier, allen iverson, steve francis, luis scola, keith bogans, and nenad krstic have combined.

- unless all 21 of trevor arizas dunks came before he was traded to the los angeles, the lakers lead the league in dunks by a very healthy margin. interestingly, they also lead the league in sasha vujacic dunks with one while i lead the league in most times hating sasha vujacic with 170.

- the collins brothers and the graham brothers each have five dunks. though they are tied for first in dunks among brothers in the league, both pairs of brothers trail the hardy boys in mysteries solved and general usefulness.

- the spurs are by far the least prolific dunking team. so far, they have dunked only 49 times, which is almost 30 fewer times than the second to last team. ronnie brewer has 50 dunks alone and he's only 6-7. the spurs are like 90 feet tall.

- monta ellis is 34th in the league with 32 dunks. he and louis williams are the only two players 6-3 or shorter that have dunked at least 10 times.

- the kings have had a league-high 13 different players dunk while the bobcats have had a league-low six different players dunk. interestingly, both teams are extremely injured.

- of the sonics' three 7-foot centers, johan petro is the only one who has dunked this year, mouhamed sene is the only one who hasn't gotten a steal this year, while robert swift is the only one who looks like he hasn't taken a bath this year.

- stoudemires have dunked 76 times, compared to zero times for stoudamires. but, stoudamires have made more threes, which damon and salim will be the first to tell you are worth more than twos.

- to this point, the average asian nba player has recorded 46 dunks. no other ethnicity is even close.

- the only two countries with players currently on nba teams that have not dunked at least once are poland and puerto rico. poland, because marcin gortat has not yet played in an nba game this season, and puerto rico, because carlos arroyo and jose juan barea are the only puerto ricans who have played in nba games this season.

- if you want to dunk in the nba, don't be white. but if you are white, make sure you're not a point guard. according to my unofficial list of white point guards, which includes steve nash, travis diener, chris quinn, luke ridnour, dan dickau, steve blake, and kirk hinrich, none have dunked.

- likewise, if you want to dunk in the nba, don't be the worst player in the league. according to my very official list of worst player in the league, which inlcudes damon jones, none have dunked.

Today's Best - 01.10.08

5. real billikens - i assume that an actual billiken, whatever it is, had a better day than its saint louis counterpart. because last night, the rick majerus led saint louis billikens scored 20 total points, setting a division i record for futility while losing to george washington by 29. they shot 14.6 percent from the field including 5.3 percent from three, seven players had as many fouls as points and the billikens leading scorer was bryce husak, a 7-footer who poured in five points. after the game, the team headed back to st louis discouraged. not surprisingly, nine players and three assistant coaches missed the flight.

4. memphis grizzlies for 47:53 - if only last night's memphis-sacramento game started seven seconds earlier, the grizzlies would have walked out with their fifth road win of the season. instead, francisco garcia hit a corner three with seven seconds to go and put the kings up one. this has pretty much been the norm for the grizzlies who have lost several games in the final seconds. against portland, travis outlaw banked in a runner at the buzzer for a one point blazers win. in a game early in the season against new orleans, david west hit a jumper with 8.3 seconds in overtime that gave the hornets their two point margin of victory. in another game against new orleans, chris paul converted a layup with 1.6 seconds left in overtime that also won the game. and if that weren't enough, against the sixers, andre iguodala hit a long jumper at the buzzer to win it. with this latest heartbreaker, the grizzlies fall to 1-8 in games decided by 3 points or less. no other team has lost more than five games by 3 points or less. on the bright side, no other team has rudy gay either.

3. the man - while on the subject of rudy gay, it sure seems like the associated press is trying to pull a fast one on us. in the game recap this is how they described the deciding play of the game:

"Down 113-111, Salmons was in trouble and almost lost the ball near the top of the circle. But he found Garcia open on the baseline and the result was a 3-pointer over the outstretched hand of defender Rudy Gay with 7.9 seconds left that put the Kings ahead for the first time since late in the second quarter."

i watched the game and i know for sure the outstretched hand that contested francisco garcia's three was not rudy gay's but actually of mike miller, who is curiously a white male. what a convenient error this was. next game, i hope mike miller and rudy gay both get steals so i can read about how mike miller found the ball while rudy gay looted the other team.

2. the western conference pack - with both the spurs and suns losing last night, it's beginning harder to tell apart the western conference elite from the rest of the bunch. the suns, mavs, and spurs are all widely accepted as the three best teams in the conference but the lakers, blazers, hornets, and nuggets are all within three games from the top seed. further, the top 10 teams in the west are currently only separated by six games. compare this to the east where the third best team is eight games worse than the best team while the 10th best team is seven games behind the third. what does this mean? it means that while these western conference teams are fighting tooth and nail, the wizards are currently the fourth seed despite not having beat a team with a winning record since december 1st.

1. mount everest - sir edmund hillary, who was the first person to climb mount everest, passed away yesterday at the age of 88. so it seems as though hillary may have won the initial battle in 1953, mt everest has won the war. anyways, i admittedly don't know much about outdoorsy sports or even if if mountain climbing is considered a sport. but if it's anything like climibing the aggro crag from nickelodeon guts, i'm very impressed that hillary reached the peak of mount everest. i can't imagine how difficult it must have been to climb almost 30,000 feet while not only having to avoid all that confetti but remembering to hit each and every actuator on the way up. but i'm sure if you asked sir edmund hillary, he'd tell you that enduring these obstacles was worth it if only to make reaching the summit that much sweeter. also making reaching the summit sweeter: getting an actual piece of the aggro crag from mike o'malley once you finish.

Today's Best - 01.09.08

5. ray allen and glen davis - last time the celtics played the bobcats, charlotte needed only to inbound the ball and hit the ensuing free throws to seal a victory. instead they passed to the celtics and ray allen hit a three at the buzzer. last night, when two teams played again, both ray allen and big baby sat out with injuries and the bobcats walked out of boston with a very surprising win. jason richardson contributed 34 points and other than his eight misses, he couldn't miss. anyways, hopefully this loss helps quell three common perceptions about the cetlics. one, that they could challenge the 97-98 bulls. two, that kevin garnett is the only reason for their dramatic improvement. and three, that glen davis played buford "bubba" blue from forrest gump.

4. the united states postal service - a game after their most impressive win of the year of the spurs, golden state's starters mailed it in against portland and lost 109-91. monta ellis was the only starter who played more than 17 minutes and also the only one who scored more than five points. all told, the five warrior starters combined for 23 points on 29 percent shooting and about $500 in postage in 85 total minutes. the blazers on the other hand, played another complete game. they opened on a 24-8 run fueled by steve blake playing like a man possessed. in just over eight minutes he had 11 points with three threes and a long two. he played so well that when nate mcmillan replaced him late in the first quarter, the portland crowd gave him a standing ovation. in the first quarter.

3. malik rose - last night the knicks played host to the rockets and after a win in chicago on tuesday, they were looking to win consecutive games for the first time since november. unfortunately, their bid for a winning streak ultimately fell short as they lost 101-92. speaking of falling short, malik rose is about a foot shorter than yao ming. this was proved at one point during the game when yao threw one down on malik rose as if malik rose was a garden gnome and yao was a person who was a foot taller than a garden gnome.

2. shane battier - last night the knicks played host to the rockets and after a win in chicago on tuesday, they were looking to win consecutive games for the first time since november. unfortunately, their bid for a winning streak was ultimately rejected. speaking of rejection, shane battier tied a career high with five blocked shots last night. interestingly, three of these swats were eddy curry lay up attempts. it was like shane battier was a fly swatter and eddy curry was a fly that weighed almost 300 pounds.

1. isiah thomas - last night the knicks played host to the rockets and after a win in chicago on tuesday, they were looking to win consecutive games for the first time since november. unfortunately, their bid for a winning streak was ultimately thrown out. speaking of thrown out, isiah thomas was thrown out of last night's game after arguing with referee eric lewis. the ensuing technical gave the rockets a 78-74 lead that they never relenquished. on the bright side though, isiah thomas left the game with a +/- of -3, which was good enough for 4th best on the team. i don't even have an analogy for this.

Anthony Johnson is on Steroids

according to this:

we live in a world where this man:

has done this:


twice this season. it makes no

anthony johnson is

-awful.

MLB Haul of Fame

the results of the most recent hall of fame voting were released earlier today with reliever goose gossage the only player who earned an induction. like always, there were quite a few notable players who were not elected. jim rice fell 16 votes short in his second to last year of eligibility. andre dawson and bert blyleven also received a healthy share of votes but ultimately missed the cut. mark mcgwire's stay in baseball purgatory is extended thanks in part to steroid use and not being here to talk about the past. and in his first year of candidacy, tim raines only gained a quarter of the votes. i don't have any vested interest in any of the other players but as a huge fan of tim raines and fair weather fan of crack, i'm hopeful he eventually gets in.

anyways, i enjoy baseball hall of fame voting because it always elicits spirited debate, prolonged arguments, and some good old-fashioned outrage. since i desperately strive to fit in, i found two things particularly distressing about this year's hall of fame voting. first, frank thomas conspicuously did not receive a single vote. and second, chuck knoblauch received a single vote. since frank thomas is still an active player, i can excuse those voters who decided not to bend the rules even for humanity's greatest baseball player. although i'm sure cooperstown would have let it slide this one time, i understand. however, the lone voter who cast a hall of fame vote for chuck knoblauch will receive no such empathy. but instead of complaining further about this farce, i decided to wait until this voter had a chance to explain themself. as such, i sent an email politely asking for the reasoning they used and the following was their insightful response.


all right, this is obviously not a real letter. i actually have no idea who voted for chuck knoblauch, but i assume it was someone who mistakenly thought it was a ballot for the 1991 american league rookie of the year and not the baseball hall of fame. because otherwise, it just makes no sense. at best, chuck knoblauch was an average baseball player over his career. and according to both the mitchell report and jason grimsley, he cheated just to be average. and despite this, somewhere there is a card carrying member of the baseball writers association of america running and writing amok who legitimately thinks chuck knoblauch is a hall of famer. unfortunately, we'll probably never know who cast this vote or what warped logic was behind it. maybe it's for the best. well, it's for the best if you like amok being run and written. i do not.

Today's Best - 01.07.08

5. marcus banks - in the first of two games last night where there were more than 250 combined points scored, the suns got back on track and defeated the nuggets 137-115. looking to set the tone early, denver scored 34 first quarter points. unfortunately, the suns set their tone earlier and had outscored denver by 12 points after the first. the nuggets never really threatened after that and the only answer they had for the suns' 64.5% shooting from three was to shoot 30%. most impressive to me was much maligned marcus banks who scored 23 points in 20 minutes. all of his field goal attempts were three pointers of which he went 7 of 8. i tried in vain to figure out what the record for most three point attempts in a game without taking a two was but i couldn't find anything. therefore, i'm assuming the eight three pointers marcus banks shot without attempting a two is an nba record. likewise, i'm assuming his 23 points is also a nba record.

4. the golden state - in one of the most exciting games of the year, the warriors defeated the spurs in overtime 130-121. before last night, the spurs had won 33 consecutive games when scoring more than 100 points. but those were games that didn't involve stephen jackson and baron davis going loco in front of a frenzied oakland crowd. at one point in the fourth quarter, the warriors had five straight possessions where they scored three points, three three pointers and two three point plays. but like the spurs usually do, they managed to erase a six point deficit with 2 minutes capped by an ingenious inbounds play that gave tony parker an open look at a corner three to tie the game. generally, the spurs win games where they force overtime, but last night, captain jack took matters into his own hands and scored 12 overtime points including several giant threes. and best of all, manu ginobili got really frustrated late in the game. like so frustrated that i recorded it so i can watch it again whenver i get upset about seeing him flop around the court like a fish out of water.

3. bob sanders - yesterday bob sanders was named the 2007 nfl defensive player of the year as he led a dwight freeney-less colts defense that allowed the fewest points in the league. most importantly though, at 5-8, bob sanders becomes the shortest player to ever win the defensive player of the year award. he's like a real life "rudy". well, if rudy went to iowa instead of notre dame. and if rudy was actually really, really good at football instead of a turd who tries really hard because he kind of stunk. and if rudy were black and had long dreadlocks instead of a white guy with a perfectly plain haircut. i guess it's not like a "rudy" at all.

2. lesu - in the bcs championship last night, lsu defeated ohio state 38-24 and are allegedly the unquestioned best team in college football. truthfully, i'm only mentioning this because it seems like i should. and just between you and me, i actually had the game on in picture-in-picture while i watched american gladiators, so it's very likely that many of the game's details escaped me. from what i gathered, ohio state jumped out to an early 10 point lead and lsu scored the game's next 31 points on the arm of matt flynn. then out of nowhere, hellga clobbered some poor contender in gauntlet. seriously, hellga is the biggest person i've ever seen. person, not woman. anyways, congratulations to the tigers for their second bcs championship in five years. and if les miles wants to make it three championships in six years, he should turn all his recruiting attention to signing hellga to replace glenn dorsey.


1. the 49 states not named savannah - last night, the tigers of savannah state traveled to an actual state to face michael beasley and the kansas state wildcats. after 40 minutes, the game was tied, savannah state 25, michael beasley 25. unfortunately, for the tigers, beasley's teammates chipped in an additional 60 points and k-state won 85-25. in the second half, savannah state managed to score only four points, a single free throw and a single three pointer, while shooting 4.3% (1 of 23) from the field. it was an ncaa record for worst shooting percentage and fewest points in a half. it was also hilarious. on the bright side, the tigers can go home to the state of savannah knowing that if they played ohio state last night, they would have won by one and been crowned bcs champions.

Today's Best - 01.06.08

5. denver nuggets - the nuggets have won six of their last seven games including and impressive win against the spurs and also less noteworthy wins against the kings, bucks, timberwolves, and sixers. but wins are wins, so don't expect the nuggets to apologize for beating teams they're supposed to beat. if the nuggets should apologize for anything it should be for blocking so many shots. they've blocked at least 12 shots in each of their last three games, a span where they've had one player block seven shots in each game and returned 41 shots to sender as a team. yesterday, anthony carter blocked three sixer attempts. it's madness. they're blocking shots like it's some sort of party. some sort of mario party. anyways, thanks in part to this, if the season ended today, the nuggets would be the fourth seed and would have to wait like five months before their first playoff game.

4. lebron james - after three quarters of play in toronto, the cavs faced a 13 point deficit. but after four quarters of play in toronto, the cavs had a 3 point lead thanks in large part to lebron james' 24 4th quarter points. at one point in the third, i checked the game's box score and thought to myself, "the cavs stink". after the game, i realized that only most of the cavs stink. either way, i'm sure this performance has piqued bill belichick's interest. how better to run up the score on your opponents than to sign a player who is currently averaging the most fourth quarter points in the league?

3. 60 minutes come across, - as you may have heard, roger clemens was on 60 minutes yesterday proclaiming his innocence. i was ready to watch for myself after being told that it was following the chargers-titans game until i was reminded that this was "...except on the west coast". well, i have better things to do than sit around waiting for a 60 minutes interview, so instead i sat around waiting for american gladiators. but thanks to numerous articles i'vei've gotten a good idea of what he said. i especially found it interesting when he told mike wallace, "i don't know if i can defend myself. i think people - a lot of people have already made their decisions". as someone who is both a person and person who has made a decision, this really spoke to me. at this point, is there really anything he can do or say that will convince me that he didn't use steroids? short of doing time travel or saying "i've done time travel and went back in time to prevent my past self from using steroids" i doubt it.

2. football teams on bye weeks - as someone who spends his sundays throughout the football season watching football comfortably at home, i think i can relate to those players on the colts, cowboys, packers, and patriots who did the same this weekend. sure it would have been nice to have been personally involved with any of the four good wild card games this weekend. but i think everyone from those aforementioned teams will agree with me that we would have much rather taken naps and eaten potato chip crumbs from off our shirts this weekend than risk elimination from the playoffs. lastly, because i'm curious, does anyone know whether football players collect checks during playoff bye weeks? i would think they do simply because it doesn't seem fair otherwise. but what do i know, my boss has asked me to take a day off because i spilled ketchup in his cd drive much more recently than he's asked me to take day off because of my high level of performance.

1. america - with our country still at war, it's very reassuring that brave men and women remain who risk their lives fighting for us. fourteen brave men and women in fact, with names like militia and hellga and wolf. and if these gladiators, as some would call them, weren't trying to keep people from winning $100,000, who would? i guess the point i'm trying to make is that both american gladiators and the show that depicts american gladiators are awesome. however, from what i've read, i'm in the minority. anyways, let's not get into a debate about who's right and why i'm right today. let's just agree that the sooner espn's ticker includes a tab for "american gladiating" that briefly mentions things like "anonymous contestant loses to titan in assault" or "fury extends unprecedented hang tough winning streak" the better.

Today's Best - Winter Break Edition 2

5. the wizards in games i didn't bet on or watch in person - i am apparently the biggest jinx in the world. in the two games i attended at the verizon center, the wizards lost to the bulls and hawks for no good reason. it's been nearly four years since i saw the wizards win a game in person. to make matters worse i decided to place a hefty sum on the wizards in a game against jersey. obviously they lost. of course this weekend after i ran out of money to bet, they thumped milwaukee and seattle. if i wasn't broke, i definitely would have bet that i wouldn't have any money to bet on those two games. why wouldn't i just bet on those two games? because i'm terrible at gambling.

4. baltimore ravens - brian billick may have won a superbowl some 100 years ago, but this is an age of "what have you done for me lately?" and lately, the only thing brian billick has done for me is be a horribly inept coach who mismanaged nearly every game this season including one that resulted in baltimore being the only team to lose to the dolphins this year. a now a team that won 13 games last year is watching the playoffs from home on their giant tvs. so as far as i'm concerned, ravens owner steve bisciotti was justified in canning billick. but maybe it's because billick decided to kick a field goal to send the dolphins game into overtime instead of letting mcgahee run in a td from the one-inch line that would have not only won their game but my fantasy football playoff game. good riddance.

3. rudy gay - rudy gay had a very eventful couple of weeks. in a game against the spurs where the grizzlies blew a large lead at home, rudy hit a long three with tim duncan in his face that won the game. then against the celtics, he chipped his tooth on james posey who i'm sure needed like a billion stitches afterwards. but best of all, my life size rudy gay poster finally arrived in the mail. now everyone who comes over will finally know how tall rudy gay is in real life and also how stupid i am in real life.

2. chicago white sox - unable to land any of the premier free agents, kenny williams took matters into his own hands. in december, he signed alexei ramirez the latest cuban sensation who could be a super utility player while pushing 50. then last week, the white sox sent three prospects to oakland for outfielder nick swisher. since i love nick swisher i'm not particularly concerned that the white sox have a minor league cupboard that is nearly bare. besides, with these two acquisitions, the white sox become the prohibitive favorite to make me illogically optimistic. anyways, after looking at the schedule next year, i expect them to win at least 160 games while nick swisher pitches eight no-hitters.

1. miami - at least miami has this going for them, because their sports teams are dreadful. the dolphins recently ended their season having won one of 16 games and the heat have started their season with a 8-26 record and are currently locked in the east's cellar. this means that since september, professional sports teams in miami have treated their fans to a total of nine wins. hopefully when the baseball season starts, the marlins will have a chance to add to this total. of course, since the marlins managed to trade both miguel cabrera and dontrelle willis, i think miami will be lucky if by june their city's sports teams have combined for 20 wins. seriously, the heat look awful. they've lost seven straight and in the game i watched this weekend, the five players they chose to play were chris quinn, luke jackson, earl barron, alexander johnson, and daequan cook, whose combined 2008 salary is $4.2 million. coincidentally, this is nearly the same amount of money it would cost the heat to buy $5 million worth of gumballs and then dump them all over the court. yes, they'll lose either way, but with gumballs at least their opponents will have to buy new sneakers after the game.