Today's Best - 02.28.08

5. miami offensive rebounding opportunities - as is the case when you miss 55 shots, there are plenty of chances to rebound your misses. unfortunately, as typical of the heat this year, they didn't capitalize. and instead of the heat scoring second chance points, the heat allowed a lot of first chance points to the lakers as los angeles had four players finished with at least 11 rebounds. on the bright side heat for heat fans, the heat are the worst team in the league and have the inside track on michael beasley. beasley would quickly make the heat relevant and might even convince dwyane wade to hang around past 2009.

4. nfl free agents - nfl free agency starts today and it looks like there are many players hoping to cash in. i think nfl free agency is a little overrated. the only time it seems to work out really well is if the player signed with new england. otherwise, far too many marquee free agent signings end in disappointment of some sort. and this isn't helped by the fact that most teams franchise their best players which leaves a thinner talent pool in free agency and fewer noteworthy transactions. but maybe i'm just bitter because i've been sitting by my phone since midnight waiting for an offer that doesn't seem to be coming.

3. devin harris - harris played his first game for new jersey since being traded and led the nets with 21 points in a 120-106 win over the bucks. meanwhile, the mavs fell 97-94 to the defending champion spurs and jason kidd sat out the decisive play of the game. luckily, jason kidd had company on the bench as juwan howard also sat out the decisive play of the game as well as the remaining plays of the game too.

2. california college basketball teams playing in arizona - yesterday 4th ranked ucla easily dispatched arizona state, 70-49. interestingly, this game pitted ucla forward josh shipp against his younger brother jerren. jerren shipp has not yet won a between the two of them and is probably on his way to tell on him to their parents. hopefully, ucla avoids arizona state in the pac-10 tournament because if they do play, it's likely josh will be miss the game due to parents decision. not to be outdone, in a game between two tournament bubble teams, usc knocked off arizona, in tuscon, 70-58. this game featured a head-to-head matchup between two star freshman in oj mayo and jerryd bayless, who scored 20 and eight points respectively. it also featured an arizona fan throwing a water bottle at sc's bench resulting in arizona coach kevin o'neill scolding the responsible party. there should be no tolerance for this type of behavior so i found this to be a welcome stoppage of play. the only way it could have been better is if someone dumped a bucket of gatorade on coach o'neill during his speech.

1. mlb sportsmanship - yesterday there were three spring training games scheduled that were played against college teams, washington-georgetown, boston-boston college, and boston-northeastern. all told, major league baseball teams won 55-0 and allowed a total of eight hits to their scholarly opponents. in two games, boston's 15-0 and 24-0 victories, the games were over after the top of the seventh, presumably due to some sort of mercy rule. this begs two questions: why would anyone ever not go pro immediately? and, what does anyone gain from these games? hopefully in the future, one of these games results in a bench-clearing brawl. or college players doing homework while on base.

All We Do is Jinx Things

Over the past three seasons the Washington Wizards averaged over 42 wins and made the playoffs three years in a row. They returned the same nucleus of players from last season and added three exciting rookies in Nick Young, Dominic McGuire and Oleksiy Pecherov. So when we saw the opportunity to bet on the former Bullets winning at least half of their games, it seemed like easy money. Of course, we forgot the cardinal rule of gambling: everything we do is wrong.

The off-season started with Etan Thomas undergoing open-heart surgery. While there was concern for Thomas’ health and well-being, I don’t think it had much of an effect on the team. He and Brendan Haywood had a publicized feud that turned violent on more than one occasion. Etan’s absence left more minutes for Brendan and turned him into a far more effective player than he has ever been. So not only did our bet cause a health scare for Etan, it also caused aliens to fly to earth and inhabit the body of Brendan Haywood. It’s like Space Jam, only in reverse.
Unfortunately, an injury that had a bigger bearing on the team’s success took place: Gilbert Arenas. Surgery to his knee cut his previous season short, and now the same knee was acting up a mere five games into the season. Agent 0 had to endure a second operation and was forced to miss a large portion of the season. Right before the All-Star break, he proclaimed that he’d be ready to play by March 1st, but all indications are that this is not the case. In fact, recent reports state that he may sit out the entire year, so as to not hurt himself further going into free agency. Because what GM wouldn’t rush to sign a guy with a reoccurring injury who hasn’t proven himself healthy?

The silver lining in all this was the emergence of Caron Butler. I’ve been a fan of his ever since his days at Connecticut and was enthralled the day Washington fleeced LA in a trade for Kwame Brown. Tough Juice became an All-Star for the second straight year in ’08 and is one of two players to average 21 points, 6 rebounds and 2 steals (LeBron something). He and Antawn Jamison have kept the Wizards afloat, but a recent story claims that Caron may be forced to miss significant time with a tear in his hip joint. Even if he does return, there’s no guarantee that he’ll be the same player he was before. With 25 games to go, the Wizards need 14 wins if we are going to pull this one out. And just when I was getting used to having functional thumbs.

Obviously a single bet has no impact over what takes place over the course of a season, but it’s weird how badly things have gone for us this year. Maybe we should start betting on things like “the wizards dance team will pose in slutty pictures”, or just restrict our bets to officially sanctioned opposite days. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but perhaps it’s time we realized that there are no sure things in sports. Unless you count the fact that we’re going to blow it at some point. That’s money in the bank.

Clemens Party Pitchers!

i know i'm horribly late on this, put i couldn't pass up another chance to talk about the hilarious misadventures of roger clemens. like most of you know, one of the many interesting sub-plots of the clemens-mcnamee saga revolves around an alleged party at jose canseco's house. well, the party itself wasn't alleged, by all accounts it took place and by some accounts it was "...awesome, bro!! wooo!!". however, what was alleged was roger clemens' attendance at said party. brian mcnamee claims that clemens was there, clemens claims he wasn't. clemens' nanny may have been chasing around kids if you believe mcnamee, or she may have been at home if you prep her before she testifies. anyways, the back and forth continued with seemingly no end in sight as if this were an episode of "my super sweet 16". last weekend however, reports surfaced that pictures of roger clemens at jose canseco's miami house party possibly exist. i thought that this was terrific news and i immediately sought out to find this evidence. and thanks to my endless supply of resources, i've been able to successfully track down these exclusive pictures. here they are in all their perjury.

things got off to a rather innocent start. looks like all that batting practice roger clemens put in is finally paying off. also paying off: a piñata filled with hundreds of syringes.

here's a picture of roger hanging out in the shriveled pall pit. nothing about this picture makes sense. why is this ball pit so deep? why is roger clemens' face so pained? whose kids are these?

not even baseball's second most prolific strikeout pitcher can say no to a theme party. here's roger with some friends in togas. other theme parties that i'm sure roger clemens frequents include 80's parties, where he wears a red sox hat and fewer pimples on his back, and republican parties, where republican senators fall in love with him and grill brian mcnamee.

if there's one person who parties hardier than jose canseco and roger clemens it's probably nintendo's prodigal son, mario mario. this is like mario's eighth party in 10 years! of course, i bet this was the only party mario's been to where princess toad compared her boob job to debbie clemens'.

apparently one of the perks of being a rich baseball player is that you own a big enough house to put a chuck e. cheese's in it. speaking of which, it's time congress opens up an investigation on this charles cheese and examines the root of his unusual continued success. the average mouse lives about one-to-two years, is measured by length in inches, and does not have a middle name. charles entertainment cheese turns 31 this year and is enormous.

as the old adage sometimes goes, you've got to fight for your right to party. and besides, what's party without random acts of rebellion against great britain? here's clemens and a few friends throwing bats and boxes of tea overboard just to show their british oppressors what they think of those darn stamp and townshend acts. take that, the queen of england.

so there you have it. feel free to draw your own conclusions, especially if the actual pictures ever emerge. personally, i don't think these or the real photos will unequivocally prove that jose canseco supplied clemens with steroids or anything else. but it will prove that roger clemens was not out golfing at the time of the party like he'd have you believe and was instead enjoying what appears to be the most fun party i've ever seen in my life.

Today's Best - 02.27.08

5. mike bibby - in his first game in front of the new home crowd of atlanta, bibby faced off against his former teammates from sacramento. while his new team has a worse record than his old team, his new team is in the east, which makes their playoff hopes far more reasonable. bibby had 24 points and 12 dimes to lead the hawks to victory, bringing them one game within the playoffs. my early season prediction was that atlanta was a playoff team, and the arrival of bibby makes that one step closer to reality. but with joe johnson ignoring the other team manhandling his point guard, it's possible that chemistry issues could derail them.

4. the seven implausible assertions - they’re not deadly sins but roger clemens still could burn in hell. as a result of his hearing before congress, the justice department will open an investigation into whether or not roger dodger committed perjury. the issues on which they feel he lied include steroid use (duh), injections by brian mcnamee (double duh), his presence at jose canseco's party (mountain duh) and his knowledge of the mitchell report prior to its release (duh-blemint gum). i'm not sure what good all this investigation will do, but maybe we'll determine whether clemens' career was downright incredible, or simply uncredible.

3. chris paul - coming off three losses in four days, it seemed like new orleans was hitting a rough patch. their hot start to the season came as a big surprise, so most people assumed they were coming back to earth a bit. in an effort to prove they are still out of this universe, they knocked off the celestial body that is the phoenix suns, 120-103. cp3's 25 points and 15 assists led the way for nawlens, and with a head-to-head with deron williams and the release of his signature show line on tap, it's a good time to be chris paul. as opposed to all those other times when it sucks to be a 22-year-old superstar in the nba.

2. cj wilson - the rangers closer is an alumnus of santa ana junior college and coming from such an academic utopia, it's no surprise he considers himself smarter than his peers. while he has a contract with the club that allows him to engage fans online, he crossed an unspoken line recently when his posts criticized his teammates. "the average guy in a baseball clubhouse does drive an SUV, drinks beer, chews or dips tobacco and is relatively a [expletive]." the site on which wilson's words appeared has since deleted them, so we're left to wonder what the expletive was. my guess: cootie-head. instead of chiding him, i'm inviting cj to stop by garbage points and voice his displeasure with our site. i'm sure someone of his stature would be appalled by improper capitalization.

1. robert mckiver - all year, memphis has dominated headlines and pundits talked about how they were the only noteworthy team in conference-usa. the houston cougars, and robert mckiver in particular, are going to great lengths to prove that they belong in the conversation. with a 10-3 record in conference (two losses to memphis), the cougars still have some work to do, but they are surely on the prowl. the team's leading scorer went into hyper drive last night, racking up 52 points in a 95-67 shellacking. his night included 7 threes and 11 of 12 free throws. what do you expect from a guy whose name sounds so much like 'macgyver'? he probably scored all those points with nothing but a leaf blower and some paper clips.

Bill Walton is Awful

bill walton is a great announcer and a hilarious studio analyst, but i don't really know much about his playing career. he had a few very good years, but injuries cut his career short. i was born after bill was relegated to towel waving and i always wondered how good he really was. thanks to this video, i learned that i'm not missing much. we all knew that ron burgandy is the better tv personality, but will ferrell shouldn't beat a professional athlete at his own sport. even one that required makeup before taking the court.

Today's Best - 02.26.08

5. mo williams - michael redd stole the show with his game-winning three-pointer to defeat the cleveland cavaliers. but the bucks were in position to steal a game because of 46 outstanding minutes from their point guard. thanks to mo's 37 points (season high), 7 rebounds (month high) and 6 assists (day high), the lowly bucks have moved to a mere 3 games out of a playoff spot. of course, were they in the western conference, they would have been relegated to the d-league at this point. milwaukee has dealt with injuries all year long, but with redd and charlie villanueva regaining form, they look poised to make a push for the post season. let's hope yi jianlian has his surgical mask and doesn't catch whatever yao has.

4. teamwork - all around the nba you could have found examples of players putting the team's interest first. thanks to double-digit scoring from seven players, the miami heat played their best game of the year in defeating sacramento 107-86. orlando did their best miami impression, but was only able to garner six (still enough to dispatch the nets). minnesota upped the ante with four 20-point scorers in their victory over the jazz. but the best teammate around was luke ridnour, who racked up 12 assists in the first half of the sonics' loss to golden state. then again, all those assists didn't leave many assists for the rest of the sonics. ridnour is redefining the term "selfish to a fault".

3. weird home court advantages - with benches on the baselines, sunken seats on the sidelines, and dual post basket supports, memorial gymnasium provides the vanderbilt commodores with one of the most unique environments in college basketball. it also was the site of vandy's victory over the number 1 team in the country, tennessee. shan foster was the hero for the commodores, with 32 points including 6 three-pointers. interestingly this marks the fourth straight time vanderbilt has a defeated a number 1 team at home. if it happens again we may have to investigate head coach kevin stallings regarding the allegations that his club uses flubber.

2. drama - brian mcnamee claimed that roger clemens attended a party in 1998 during which he and jose canseco discussed steroids. clemens claims that he ever attended this party. now, an unnamed major leaguer has come forward with evidence corroborating mcnamee's story. in fact, the source claims that clemens joked about an incident at the party in which clemens' wife and canseco's then-wife compared the results of their breast enhancement surgery. i can't tell if i'm listening to a federal investigation or an argument between chrissy and clay on "newport harbor". a smarter writer would find a way to lead up to this joke, but i'm forced to just blurt it out: roger clemens is a boob.

1. fire sales - now that the nba trade deadline has passed, there aren't any real deals to be made. but two role players are hoping to change all that. reports say that sam cassell has been bought out of his contract with the clippers and will soon sign with the boston celtics. management is concerned about letting rajon rondo run the show, so i guess they felt the need to import gollum from "lord of the rings". likewise, brent barry has been bought out after his trade to the sonics. interestingly, barry can resign with the spurs and be eligible for the post season, as long as he sits out 30 days and signs before march 1st. if barack obama really wants my vote, he should promise to close loopholes in the nba trade rules. screw the tax code.

Yaouch!

chairman yao will miss the rest of the nba season due to a stress fracture in his foot. when asked if there was any possibility of a return this year, yao told onlookers, "shut up, kid. i got a good thing going here." in the wild, wild west where ten games over .500 won't crack the playoff chase, this puts the rockets in a perilous spot. even if they do make it in, it seems unlikely that tracy mcgrady's streak of losing in the first round will come to an end.

more importantly, the ming dynasty is starting to show signs of rebellion and collapse. this will mark the third straight year in which yao misses 25 games or more. he had been putting together an excellent year, with 22 points, nearly 11 boards and over 2 blocks and 2 assists per game. he's still young and projects to have several good years left, but it’s a shame we’re missing out on one of the elite centers in the nba. maybe the great wall should hang it up now and do what i’d do if i was that tall: frighten women and children.

Today's Best - 02.25.08

5. drunken minnesotans - bryant mckinnie was charged with a felony for battery and disorderly conduct this weekend. the vikings guard tackle was "throwing punches and yelling obscenities" outside a club in miami. before you rush to judge him keep in mind that mckinnie is 6'8" and 335 pounds. how do you expect him to solve his problems, chess? meanwhile, francisco liriano finally received his us visa and his on his way to training camp. the process was held up for the twins lefty because of a dui he received before the start of his rookie season. though he's recovering for elbow surgery, this is terrible news for the al central. their game plan for dealing with liriano's slider was to have him throw it standing in santo domingo.

4. steve buckhantz - along with his broadcast partner phil chenier, the wizards announcer has had a rough season. with the wiz going 2-7 in games decided by four points or fewer, his trademark call of "dagger!" has been rare. but thanks to a step-back three at the buzzer by deshawn stevenson, wizards fans have been reminded of steve's weapon of choice. washington's win over the hornets ended a ten game losing streak in new orleans and deshawn set a career-high with 33 points. the wizards' road trip continues in houston on tuesday, the hornets play host to phoenix on wednesday, while buckhantz will be questioned about his role in a series on stabbings on thursday.

3. chubby chasers - the florida marlins will head into 2008 with the lowest payroll in all of baseball. in an effort to be consistent, the marlins are also aiming to lower their standards. while many major league teams have started using a cheer squad to keep fans entertained between innings, the marlins will employ a squad of plus-sized men, who will be known as "the manatees". the team is looking for 7 to 10 overweight men who are willing to shake their jellies like bowls full of jellies at home games. i have to question the marlins' marketing department on this one. based on the demographics of florida, they would have been better off with a dance squad that performs the charleston and the lindy hop.

2. tom gordon - the phillies reliever will go into the season as the de facto closer after brad lidge suffered an injury. after tearing the meniscus in his right knee, lidge underwent surgery and will miss 3-6 weeks. it sounds like a fairly harmless injury, but it seems like relievers are incapable of extended success nowadays. in the world of athletes, the modern day closer is kind of like the sex pistols. they have a year or two of destructive performances that leaves audiences amazed, they cobble together a third year with smoke and mirrors, and they're lucky if they can avoid overdosing on heroin. then again, maybe closers aren't like the sex pistols at all.

1. tom daley - generally speaking, a website that writes about a british 13-year-old boy is walking a thin line. but daley is a diver from plymouth who is competing for a spot on the english team in a world cup competition in beijing. facing elimination, daley scored perfect 10s from four of the judges to vault his way onto the team. the youth believes that a medal is not out of the question this year and should draw support from all over the globe. in the world of athletes, daley is kind of like hannah montana. he's a teenage prodigy, he strives to live a normal life, and he's lucky if he can avoid overdosing on heroin. then again, maybe daley is exactly like hannah montana.

Have 762 Home Runs, Will Travel

with spring training underway, it makes zero sense to me that barry bonds does not have a team. part of the reason stems from how many cents bonds made last season, over 1.5 billion to be precise. this is definitely a lot of money, but it's not as if baseball owners are averse to handing out huge piles of money. for the next year, would you rather pay bonds $15 million or giambi $23 million? and this assumes that he'd make the same salary he made in 2007. this late in the negotiation phase, bonds would probably be willing to sign for $10-12 million to dh and play left on occasion. would you rather pay that kind of coin to garret anderson? mike sweeney todd: the demon barber? love him or hate him, bonds brings people to the stadium home and on the road, so from a business standpoint it seems like a good decision to sign him.

perhaps his age and production are the issue. his numbers obviously weren't up to his lofty standards, but bonds still had an OPS over 1, a BB/K ratio of 2.44, and hit a home run every 12.1 ABs. he played awful in left field, but an al team that needs a dh would be perfect for him. the reduced stress on his legs would keep him healthier and allow him to pay more than the 126 games he managed in 2007. plus, he'd be a perfect locker room influence. for a young team he could talk about how things were different "back in my day", or wax nostalgic about the price of movie tickets. i don't understand why a team with a need for left-handed power wouldn't roll the dice.

i've ignored the major reason why bonds' is struggling to find a home, and that is because of steroid accusations. we poke a lot of fun and poke even more attempted fun at steroid users on this website, but the majority of the evidence is circumstantial, at best. aside from a few odd men out like pettite, lo duca, and gagne, not many have come forward to admit any wrongdoing. bonds remains steadfast that he never knowingly took steroids, yet he has become the martyr for an entire era. but steroids aren't an issue because of one man. they are an issue because of a culture of indifference throughout all sports, and perhaps society as well. you can't blame mardi gras on a single alcoholic.there are reports that tampa is interested in bonds' services. they should shorten their name from "tampa bay rays" to "tampa barrys" to try and appease him. why not? cleveland did it for jim brown.

Today's Best - 02.25.08

5. darren mcfadden - i usually don't pay too much attention to the pro football combine and this year was no exception. i know prospects work very hard to prepare, but for whatever reason, i'm just very rarely interested in what happens. and this is from someone who loves minor league prospects and nba rookies. anyways, from what i could tell this year's biggest winner was darren mcfadden. he ran a blistering 4.33 40 and more importantly was the only player whose 40 time i cared to read about.

4. the detroit pistons - on friday, the pistons became the second nba team to reach 40 wins with a 127-100 win over milwaukee. on sunday, the pistons became the second nba team to reach 41 wins with a 116-86 win over the new look phoenix suns. if the pistons continue to score this easily and the celtics might have some company atop the eastern conference. similarly, if the pistons continue to win by thirty, this might make for a very uninteresting playoffs. hopefully, rasheed wallace plays the rest of the shooting with his left hand.

3. new and old cavs - on the heels of their mega-deal on thursday and due to an assortment of injuries, the cavs were forced to sign two d-league players to meet the minimum roster requirements in a game against the wizards. apparently, lebron james is either better than we all thought or the wizards are much, much worse because the cavs won 90-89. cleveland got a tremendous boost from damon jones who scored 27 points. i can't decide if this means i never should have opened my big yap about damon jones in the first place or if i should have opened it wider. yesterday, the cavs four new players finally were cleared to play and which meant damon jones returned to his usual role of player who bothers me from the bench and not the basketball court. it's tough to draw any conclusions from a game against one of the worst teams in the league, but i was somewhat impressed regardless. delonte west shot poorly but was a willing and able passer, joe smith showed off his ability to hit mid-range jumpers, wally szczerbiak hit a pair of threes, and ben wallace finished with a double-double, the first of his career. and late in the fourth, in one sequence ben wallace dunked putting the cavs up 16 and then forced a five-second violation. the cavs got the ball back and the grizzlies never threatened again. of course, they didn't really threaten at all in the second half.

2. tiger woods - on sunday, the final round of the accenture match play championship ended with tiger woods getting spoils. having once applied for a job at accenture, i think i know first hand how hard it is to win a golf tournament that they sponsor. or maybe i would if they ever called me back. anyways, yesterday tiger topped stewart cink with an 8-and-7 victory which was the largest, and losing, margin in the final match in the history of this event. for those of you who don't know what an 8-and-7 victory in match play means, i think it's when one golfer hits eight hole-in-ones while the other golfer quietly weeps in seven different sand traps. anyways, with this victory tiger woods moves past arnold palmer for 4th all-time in tour victories. he is now only 19 wins away from sam snead's pga tour record 82 wins, a record i fully expect tiger will break this easter sunday.

1. denver's summer break plans - last thursday, denver stood idly by as the trade deadline passed without making a significant move. while other western conference teams indulged in the trading frenzy, the nuggets eschewed a kleiza-artest deal and instead stood pat. this was apparently a theme this weekend, because in their two games, the nuggets spent much of their time standing pat as their opponents ran them up and down the court. on friday, the nuggets surrendered 135 points to a impotent bulls offense. then on saturday, denver coughed up a 23-point lead and lost to milwuakee 115-109. in both games it was obvious that the nuggets could have used ron artest's perimeter defense. they allowed 37 points to ben gordon and then 42 points to michael redd. they also could have used ron artest's crazy becuase if there was one thing denver's two losses was missing, it was bulls and bucks fans getting punched in the face. currently, the nuggets are tied with golden state for the final playoff spot. i'm not sure what the tiebreaker rules are but unless it's whichever team came closest to trading for ron artest, the nuggets could be in trouble.

Flipping Sweet

Order for the NFL draft is determined by win-loss record and ties are broken by strength of schedule. With a three-way tie at 4-12 and .516 opponents' winning percentage, the Falcons, Raiders, and Chiefs were forced flip a coin to decide who would pick where. The methodology was as follows:

• The Falcons and Raiders would match up in a coin toss with the Falcons calling it. If the Falcons won, they would pick 3rd, the raiders would pick 4th, and the Chiefs would be 5th.
• If the Raiders won the preliminary coin toss, they would pick 3rd, and the Falcons and Chiefs would flip a coin.
• The winner of the Falcons-Chiefs flip would pick 4th, the loser would pick 5th.

So using these rules, the Falcons had a 50% chance at the third pick, a 25% chance at the fourth pick, and a 25% chance at the fifth pick. This yields an average draft position (ADP) of 3.75. Calculations for the Raiders and Chiefs are as follows:

Raiders ADP - 50% * 3 + 50% * 4 = 3.50
Chiefs ADP - 50% * 4 + 50% * 5 = 4.50

The Falcons ended up winning the coin toss, so the order will be Falcons, Raiders, Chiefs. But why is something as important as draft order being decided with such unfair odds against the Chiefs? Why couldn't they pick high card out of a deck? Or roll a pair of dice? The right pick this early in the draft could transform a franchise for years and years, and Kansas City got hosed out of the opportunity to draft higher. I can hear Herm Edwards now.

Drop Trade Deadline Gorgeous

The NBA trade deadline passed yesterday with plenty of last second deals taking place. The similarities to the 1999 mockumentary about a small time Minnesota beauty pageant are striking. Both involve so-called experts critiquing and analyzing the participants. Both involve behind-the-scenes posturing and negotiation. And both involve people trying to fleece the opposition in hopes of landing the coveted trophy and/or tiara. Here’s a look at some of the less-publicized winners and losers of these trades. But before you start cursing at me for a boring “analyze the trade deadline” column, I must point out that that is not American Teen Princess language.

Winners
Teenage Mormon Girls – They finally got the wholesome idol they’ve missed ever since Jeff Hornacek left town when the Jazz imported a great shooter in Kyle Korver. Looking at Korver, I see an odd mix between Ashton Kutcher and Carrot Top, which is enough to get anyone revved up.
Women at New Jersey Clubs – People are still buzzing over the Jason Kidd’s return to Dallas, and questioning whether or not the Mavs gave up too much. It also means that ladies from Newark to Atlantic City can hit the dance floor without fear of getting hit on the dance floor.
Balls – Steve Kerr put it all on the line with his trade for an aging Shaquille O’Neal. The jury’s still out on the trade’s success, but Kerr said it best: “If it works, I’m a genius. If not I’m a moron.” Either way he’s still the best announcer around.
Retirement – Keith Van Horn and Aaron McKie were lured out of retirement to sign multi-million dollar contracts for salary cap purposes. In a related story, I quit my job and am currently waiting for an offer.

Losers
The 2003 ScoutHoops Top 20 – Three members of this prospect class ended up in trades. #19 Trevor Ariza moved to LA, #15 Von Wafer was shipped to Portland, and #5 Shannon Brown was deported to Chicago. Chris Paul and LeBron James must’ve been worried for a second there.
Sibling Bliss – In the trade that sent Pau Gasol to LA, the rights to his brother Marc were sent to Memphis. How embarrassing is it for Marc that his brother is better than him by a three players and two draft picks? Thanksgiving should be interesting at the Gasol household.
Stromile Swift – As if getting traded to New Jersey wasn’t punishment enough, Swift was doubly-offended when he was traded for Jason Collins. That’s like getting traded to Sudan for Ebola.
Conservatives – Basketball purists who claim that a trade should be between one team and another team were aghast yesterday when two separate three-ways were consummated. The Cavs, Sonics and Bulls along with the Hornets, Grizzlies and Rockets flaunted convention with their dealings at the deadline. These taboo trades are sure to fuel the tabloids.

Today's Best - 02.21.08

5. ryan howard - yesterday, the phillies slugger was awarded $10 million in his salary arbitration case against the team. this was the highest salary every awarded to a player who won their case though last year alfonso soriano was also awarded $10 million in a losing effort. i've always wanted to be a fly on the wall during a typical arbitration hearing just because i'm very curious how it usually goes. well, flies are kind of gross. maybe just a person on the wall, who can fly. oh man that'd be so cool. back to the topic at hand, from how i understand arbitration, it seems like a player makes a case for why he deserves a certain amount of money and his team makes a case for why the player stinks. maybe there's more to it. like arm wrestling or the judge allowing 10 minutes for each side to come up with "yo momma" jokes.

4. spurs fans - last night, the spurs clipped the timberwolves, 100-99 thanks to a jumper with six seconds left by human ginobili who led the spurs with 44 points. and to continue my trend of never giving ginobili credit, note that he missed 5-of-18 shots. had he hit all of these, this game would have been decided long ago. and on top of that he even missed a free throw! uh, manu, they're called "free" throws for a reason. now that i've gotten my "bash ginobili for no reason" fix we can talk about the fact that spurs fans have the least stressful team to watch. there was not a moment in that game that i thought the spurs were going to lose. it was inevitable. i wonder what it's like to cheer for a team knowing they won't ever blow it. is it even fun? the answer is obviously yes.

3. baby miner - last night, the rockets capped a very busy day with a 112-100 win over the less busy miami heat. earlier, houston swung one trade that shipped off bonzi wells and mike james for bobby jackson and another one that sent kirk snyder to minnesota for gerald green. the rockets have been playing well enough lately that i think if they manage to make the playoffs it will be less about these trades and more about carl landry dunking all the time. but the most interesting aspect about these trades to me is the rockets acquiring houston native gerald green, who i think is quickly becoming the new harold miner. if you don't remember harold miner, he was potential personified. in his rookie year he won the slam dunk contest, then in his third year he won it again. after that season he was traded and played only 19 more games in his nba career. so far, gerald green's career path has been eerily similar. this is now his third team in less than a season's worth of games and i want to see if another change of scenery will help him avoid flaming out a la miner. though i'm not sure the rockets can afford to give gerald green playing time while they fight for they're in the thick of a competitive playoff race. this means we'll likely never see someone do the cupcake dunk during a game. but if gerald green just ate a cupcake during a game that'd be almost as good to me.

2. brary bodns - sometime last week, a report surfaced that in a filing by prosecutors for barry bonds' perjury trial he failed a drug test in 2001. the sports world was abuzz, but the next day it was discovered that this was a typo as they actually meant he failed a drug test in 2000. bonds' defense is now claiming that these typos have compromised his chance for a fair trial and have filed a complaint. likewise, i expect to receive a similar complaint from bonds' team about the typos on this site very soon. anyways, because i'm not well-versed in law, i have no clue what the result could be if this complaint is accepted. it seems kind of ridiculous to throw out an entire case just because of a few typos. unless there were additional typos throughout the original document where "barry bonds" was accidentally misspelled as "roger clemens", i doubt this is going to go very far. trust me, i complain constantly, and best thing that's ever happened as a result was one time at ruby tuesday's when someone spit on a steak that i sent back to get re-cooked.

1. lebron's new teammates - the real winners of yesterday's nba trade deadline were not any specific teams, but all of the players who now get to play alongside lebron james. after missing out on mike bibby and jason kidd, cleveland gm danny ferry burned up phone lines trying to appease his lone star player. his efforts weren't in vain as he managed to pull of a 3-team, 11-player deal. all told, the cavs sent off drew gooden, larry hughes, ira newble, donyell marshall, cedric simmons and got back ben wallace, joe smith, wally szczerbiak, and delonte west. i'm sure cleveland's jersey guy is currently burning up phone lines himself trying to figure out if he has enough letters in stock to spell "szczerbiak". regardless, it's hard not to like this trade for cleveland. at only the cost of several members of the worst supporting cast in the league, lebron gets some new and better functioning toys to play with. it's like danny ferry threw away lebron's old hungry hungry hippos game that was missing all but two marbles and bought him rock-em sock-em robots. sure it's not the best toy in the world, but at least you don't have to use fruit loops in lieu of marbles when you play it. but overall, i'm not sure this is quite enough to push them past boston or detroit. of course, i'm not going to be the one who counts out lebron james. or wally scerbak.

Candace Parker has Lost Her Mind

The Tennessee star will skip her senior season and leave Knoxville early to join the WNBA. There are a lot of good reasons to skip you senior year: making millions of dollars in pro sports, pursuing a passion outside of academia, or doing enough drugs to get thrown out. Nowhere on the list is traveling the country to play in front of crowds of 8,500. The idea that a person would leave college early to go to the WNBA is so funny that I forgot to laugh. Then I remembered that Candace Parker is going to leave college early to go to the WNBA and I laughed. Do you know what the rookie salary is for a player entering the 2008 season? $44,000. That's it. That's not enough to justify being a professional basketball player. That's barely enough to justify being a professional basketball.

If a man was dominating college basketball, I'd encourage him to make the jump to the pros, so why is it different for women? Because the NBA is one of the strongest sports leagues in the world while the WNBA is a running joke about lesbians. Unlike its pro counterpart, women's college basketball gets national recognition, media time, and most importantly, respect. The women's NCAA tournament gets full coverage on ESPN and coaches like Pat Summitt, Kay Yow and Geno Auriemma are legends in the sport. The WNBA's only moment of glory comes at the Shooting Stars contest, the All-Star Saturday event that is most likely to coincide with a beer run. If the slogan 'We Got Next' is true, then they've been waiting over ten years for the first game to end.

I can understand Parker's side of the argument to some extent. "Why risk an injury?" "What do I have left to prove in college?" "Why am I so tall?" Logically speaking, it probably makes sense for her to turn pro early. There's no doubt that she's ready for a tougher level of competition. And the endorsements that come from being the first woman leave college early will surely make it a sound financial decision. But a move like this is typically associated with taking a step forward in one's career, and I don't think that's necessarily the case here. I think it's entirely possible we won't hear from Candace again, at least until she's trying to hit a half court shot alongside Jordan Farmar and James Worthy.

Then again if it ends up preventing the LA Sparks from using their first pick on Darka Milicic, I'm all for it.

Today's Best - 02.20.08

5. Aging Stars - Pitchers and catchers have reported to spring training, as have position players. Home run kings, on the other hand, are still sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. Barry Bonds has been staying in game condition according to his agent, and it still waiting for an offer from a major league team. To prove that the desire to play beyond one’s prime is not specific to baseball, Keyshawn Johnson has also expressed a desire to play next year. After taking a year off from NFL action, it is very questionable whether or not Key can contribute. Perhaps he and Bonds should instead focus on buying high-waist pants, keeping whippersnappers off their lawns, and eating dinner at 4 in the afternoon.4. The N.I.T. - The NCAA Tournament' reign of terror is over. While most consider the 64-participant event the most exciting in sports, the Accenture Match Play bracket has taken upsets to a whole new level. Ernie Els, one of the number one seeds, was defeated by Cinderella story Jonathan Byrd. Also falling were three of the four number 2 seeds and two number 4 seeds. Even Tiger Woods was forced to rally from three back with five holes remaining to salvage a victory. If these matches are any indication of what's to come, now might be the right time to bet the house on Belmont and Austin Peay.

3. Chris Douglas-Roberts - The Memphis Tigers and Tennessee Volunteers will face off Saturday night in a 1 vs. 2 matchup. Last time this happened was OSU-Wisconsin last year; a game the Buckeyes won 49-48. If Chris Douglas-Roberts scores another 1.32 points per minute, expect that to be topped by halftime. The junior guard scored 29 to lead the Tigers past Tulane, in what was a despicable display of caring for the Gulf Coast. Did you learn nothing from the All-Star game, CDR? Memphis’ head coach’s 400th win came at a price, as it is now evident that John Calipari doesn’t care about black people. Unless they’re good at basketball.

2. Knicks opponents outside of D.C. - The Philadelphia 76ers have quietly been playing well enough to be the seventh seed in the Eastern Conference. Last night they made some noise against a Knicks squad that faced overtime the night before. The result was leading by 20 at the end of the first, doubling up their opponent at half, and winning by a Chris Bosh. Philly has won 6 of 7 and at the heart of their surge is the youth movement. Thaddeus Young and Louis Williams have provided great minutes off the bench, while Andre Igoudala been a steadying force. In their effort to tank this season, it appears the Sixers stumbled into some success.

1. Kobe Bryant - In Shaq-Kobe Part Six Million, Bryant’s 41 points led the Lakers to a hard-fought 130-124 victory against the new-look Suns. This gives the Lakers the season series against their rivals and vaults LA past Phoenix in the standings. I caught an old interview with Kobe Bryant at the gym today and in response to his role in the Shaq trade, Kobe said, “They wanted me to level off as a player. I wasn’t going to do that.” Kudos to Kobe for understanding that he had a chance to be an all-time great and taking that risk. Personally, I agree with him and I’d take three rings and an 81-point game over four or five rings. You can call me a glory hog if you want. What do I care? I’ve got a freaking 81-point game!

update - 2.21 7:54 am

just heard an interview with ric bucher in which he basically reiterates my thoughts on kobe: "all he did was devote himself to being the best basketball player he possibly could. how can you fault him for that?" it appears the only thing stopping me from being the gm of the celebrity all-star game is a friendship with dog the bountry hunter.

Stop it, LeBron

I'm sick of always talking about LeBron James and his stupid triple-doubles. Every day the Cavs play results in us spouting off about how great he is. I'd like one game from Lebron that doesn't end like tonight's against Indy (31-14-12). If this keeps up, we're changing this website's name to LeBronPoints, running polls about why LeBron James is the best basketball player alive, and starting a daily feature called "Today's LeBron James".

2008 NBA All-Star Weekend: Far East Meets West

now that we are a few days removed from the 2008 all-star weekend, i think i can say for certain that by all accounts it was a terrific success for both the nba and more importantly, new orleans. and though there's obviously still more work ahead, it at least seems like there is hope and optimism in a city that only a few years ago had little. and impressively, while lending their extended support to the rebuilding effort in new orleans, the nba even managed to put on a great show. because between the different all-star games and events there was hardly a dull moment. but if i was forced to choose one thing that "stood" above all else throughout the all-star weekend, i think i'd have to go with jet li, who despite being the opposite height of most basketball players is apparently chummy with many of them.

as seen above, pictures of jet li enjoying the all-star game were not in short supply this weekend. in every new orleans nook and cranny, you could find jet chatting up an nba all-star. what were they talking about? why was he only talking to western conference all-stars? why was i so curious about this? as the visual evidence mounted, i became more convinced that the action star was using all-star weekend as a forum to pitch his various movie ideas to basketball players. here's my best guess as to what these ideas were.

rush hour 2, 2 - i'm sure jet li expressed interest in this project to an assortment of different players since it makes so much sense. hopefully it happens. because in my opinion, there aren't enough remakes of sequels.

twins too: taller - similar to the original, yao and jet li are twins separated at birth. they blossom into superstars in basketball and martial arts and eventually reunite. the rest of the movie is yao and jet finding themselves in humorous situations. situations that occur when jet li asks, "oh no, how am i supposed to be at a photo shoot and a movie premiere at the same time? ...wait a second... yao, you can go for me!!"

junior 2 - admittedly, there are probably hundreds of movies that would make more sense. but for some reason, i think it'd be really funny if jet li was really obsessed with arnold schwarzenegger and danny devito movies. almost as funny as arnold schwarzenegger and danny devito movies themselves. seriously, a pregnant man?! now i've seen everything!

white men and the temple of doom - here's steve nash sharing his idea for a summer blockbuster. if it's anything like its predecessors, my interest is piqued. not only would the movie feature steve nash as woody harrelson and jet li as short round, it would feature a two-on-two team composed of a white guy and a short asian guy beating people at basketball and then going on adventures that involve a rail car.

shanghaiami vice - "my giant" might be the first thing that comes to mind, but i doubt yi wants to get typecast so early in his young, or allegedly old, career. plus, it'd be a waste to not capitalize on these adorable suits.

pulp fiction - this isn't a movie idea so much as it's what i hope yao was saying to jet li when this photo was taken.

Whatta Mann

i was at the verizon center last night to watch the knicks victimize the wizards with a 19-1 run spanning the fourth quarter and overtime. a more pathetic sight i cannot remember. while leaving the arena, the token knicks fan in my group (stupid joe) gave my fellow wiz fans and i what is commonly referred to as, "the business". however, when we reached f street, i saw a man in a suit who looked oddly familiar. if it weren't for the two other well-dressed men with him, or if i had a bit more courage, i would've shouted, "hey, is that charles mann?"

mann was a defensive linesman who spent 11 seasons in the nfl, ten of which were with the redskins. he played in four super bowls and won three championships. currently, he is 35th on the list of most career sacks. and i may or may not have seen him yesterday, joking about how the knicks are insane.

i have no idea how to confirm or deny this claim. so i implore all seven of our readers to help me out. i'm sure through some complex web of acquaintances, one of us should be able to infiltrate mann's inner circle. once we're in, a simple question pertaining to his whereabouts on february 19th will do the trick. this is honestly going to bother me until i get an answer one way or another. it's like leaving a bar and wondering, "what if i had talked to that girl?" only instead i'm wondering, "what if charles mann gave me his super bowl ring and i used it to punch daniel snyder in face ?"

jason campbell, charles mann, who's next, sammy baugh?

Combine Nation

330 NFL hopefuls will descend on Indianapolis in the coming days to attend the NFL scouting combine. In addition to drug testing, interviews and physicals, the combine brings us events that measure speed, strength and agility. I find it odd that scouts pay so much attention to quarters of an inch and hundredths of a second when the drills run are not directly football related. For example, Eddie Kennison was an NCAA All-American sprinter, but has never been noted for his speed in pads. While the combine provides valuable data, I’d rather focus on how a player performs in-game. Which is probably why I don’t own an NFL team.

- 40-Yard Dash: The NFL also conducts 10- and 20-yard dashes that focus on acceleration, but the 40 has become the standard measure of speed. The fastest 40 I ever ran was a hand-timed 4.24, which converts to a 4.48 in FAT. To compare, this is the same time run by Patrick Willis, a 242 pound linebacker for the 49ers. Excuse me while I cower in fear.
- Bench Press: Typically important for linesmen, linebackers, and running backs, repetitions at 225 pounds give you an idea of how ridiculously strong these athletes are. QB Brady Quinn made headlines last year when he preformed 25 reps. I guess the Browns were looking for upper body strength when they drafted their clipboard holder.
- Vertical Leap: Verticals have long been scrutinized for their accuracy. Players extend their arms straight up to get a base reading, then jump and swat a device to measure their leap. But by locking your lower back and shrugging your shoulders, you could lower your base reading and ultimately gain an inch or two. Why are we worried about steroids while vertical enhancement runs rampant?
- Broad Jump: Why don’t they call it the long jump? No one says, “Wow, that jump was so broad!”
- Shuttle Run: My favorite days in elementary school were days we did the shuttle run. Beating my classmates in picking up and putting down erasers was an incomparable thrill. But there was always a group of kids who’d throw the erasers in an attempt to gain an edge. This is probably the same group of kids who grew up to play for the Texas Rangers in 1992.
- Three-Cone Drill: A convoluted drill that basically equates to running in circles. Scouts use it to gauge fluidity and hip movement and other clichés that sound gross when used in different contexts.
- Wonderlic Test: The test measures critical thinking and decision making, and has become an increasingly popular metric. Pat McInally, a punter from Harvard, is the only player to record a confirmed perfect score. But if the Wonderlic is as easy as the version in Madden, I’d have a pretty good shot at acing it. Or at least I’d beat Vince Young.

Dhivy’s Draft Bio
Height: 5’11¾”
Weight: 175 lbs
40-Yard Dash: 4.48 (at peak, much slower now)
Bench Press: 7 reps
Vertical Leap: 30”ish
Broad Jump: Depends on if I know the broad
20-Yard Shuttle: Ask my third-grade gym teacher
Three-Cone Drill: Faster than the four-cone drill
Wonderlic: Wonderful

Projected Round: Undrafted
Projected Tears: Several

Today's Best - 02.19.08

5. jared dudley - in yesterday's spurs-bobcats game, charlotte rookie jared dudley was the only player who made at least half his shots. strangely, he was also the bobcat who had the lowest +/- as the bobcats. what does this mean? it means the spurs won 85-65 and held charlotte to an unbelievable 28.2 percent shooting. only a few weeks ago, it seemed like san antonio was being written off. but sure enough it appears as if the reports of their demise were greatly exaggerated and they were apparently just rounding into form. i know it's kind of silly to draw conclusions from a single game against the bobcats, but if the spurs either hold the rest of their opponents under 30 percent shooting or only play the bobcats for the rest of the year, they'll probably repeat as nba champs.

4. the player most likely to be traded by thursday - ron artest helped the kings beat the tepid blazers 105-94 and in the process showed why he would be an asset to any team. this win came only a few days after artest expressed interest in remaining in sacramento past the trade deadline. the kings have already traded mike bibby away and appear ready to hand over the franchise to kevin martin, shelden williams, and a slew of expiring contracts so i have to think something else is also in the works for artest. even if he says he'd like to remain in sacramento. currently, denver has been rumored to be the front runner for artest's services and i for one think this would be a terrific trade. he'd provide an immediate boost defensively to a team that's already among the most physical in the league. plus, a nuggets lineup featuring iverson, artest, carmelo, kenyon, and camby would likely be the most intimidating in the league. and if there's anything i'd like to see in the second half of the season, it's denver opponents intimidating into scoring on their own baskets.

3. the well rested knicks - the knicks were one of a few teams that did not have a single player involved in any regard during the all-star weekend. i'm sure they had a nice extended break spent relaxing and not giving a blank about these white people because in an overtime game in dc, the knicks scored 23 points and beat the wizards 113-100. the knicks scored as many points in the final five minutes as they scored in the 12 minutes of quarters 1, 2, and 4. they fell short of the record of most points in an overtime, but did manage to score the exact same amount of points in four different periods which i think is just as neat. the wizards meanwhile have lost nine of their final 10 games and two of three this year against new york. but there is hope, because yesterday gilbert arenas was cleared to practice. and though he's probably a few weeks away from returning, i expect the wizards will lose every game from now until then. this means of course that they will somehow move up the woeful eastern conference standings.

2. the durant-less sonics - kevin durant missed last night's game against grizzlies, the sonics' peers in the western conference cellar, with the flu. yet despite missing their most celebrated player, the sonics maanged to erase a 19-point, third quarter deficit to beat memphis 108-101. seattle now improves to 1-0 in games that durant doesn't play this season and 13-38 in games that he did. and for those of you who think this is too small a sample size to prove that the sonics are better off without durant, consider that since 1968 seattle is 1726-1523, for a .531 winning percentage, in all games durant didn't play. of course, since i doubt many of those 1,726 wins came against teams whose centers were the darko milicic, jason collins, and kwame brown, i guess i'll wait a few more days before starting a trade durant petition. and in case you were wondering, darko was 2-of-8 from the field, collins fouled out, and coaches decided to not play kwame brown.

1. 2008 all-star mvps - in a 93-85 setback against houston, cleveland's lebron james recorded his fifth triple-double of the season and the fifteenth of triple-double of his career. just to clairfy, both of those were the same triple-double not two separate ones in the same game. anyways, he finished with 26 points, 13 rebounds, and 11 assists. of major concern to cavs fans should be the fact that in sunday's all-star game he scored 27 points against much better players. logically, this means against the battiers, alstons and bonzis of the league, he should be going off for 60, easy. but it appears lebron is resigned to just play down to his competition for the remainder of the season. what a waste of talent. anyways, the most interesting i read about lebron was his all-star dunk late in the game over a gaggle of west players was because he was "mad at dirk because he stole my point guard". because of this i think we're in for a relatively dull trading deadline as gms do their best to avoid upsetting lebron by stealing any other players from the cavs.

The Chicago Bears Do Not Harbor Terrorists

In 2005, the Carolina Panthers cut their leading receiver, Muhsin Muhammad. Within 10 hours, the Chicago Bears swooped in and signed him to a six-year, $30 million contract. After a season of 1,420 yards and 16 TDs with Carolina (both tops in the NFL), Muhammad was never able to replicate the same level of success in the windy city. Despite helping his team to two division titles in three seasons, he only recorded 12 TDs in his tenure with the Bears and his per game yardage was almost cut in half. If he didn't stop to pray five times a game, maybe he would've been more effective. Regardless, the veteran leader of the Bears' receiving corps has been cut.

Even though Chicago had better receiving options the past few seasons, Moose remained one of my favorite players with the team. I always found myself making excuses for why he was dropping passes, not getting separation from his defender, and committing Jihad during timeouts. But he always made key blocks, ran precise routes, and even caught a game-winning TD now and again. In an era in which wide receivers are the most self-indulgent egomaniacs in professional sports, Muhsin always stays humble and plays for his teammates.

Muhammad's contributions off the field are just as noteworthy as his playing career. He started The M2 Foundation, which strives to help children develop physically and mentally. He promotes the Back to Nature program, a camping trip that takes kids through the Great Smokey Mountains. He is a supporter of the Muscular Dystrophy Association and Men for Change, which raises money for women's shelters. And in 2007, his family adopted two impoverished children from Ethiopia. Muhsin truly is one of the Five Pillars of his community.

I'm a Bears fan for reasons I can't explain. They won a Super Bowl when I was two-years-old, but have been relatively quiet once I stopped chewing on my toes. Aside from Urlacher and Singletary, they haven't had a marquee player in years and their list of quarterbacks is an orgy of ineptitude. So am I cheering for their jerseys? For the Halas family? For wind? Whatever it is, I'll always be a proud supporter of the Bears, even if it means leaving Moose out in the cold. I may be saying, "oh Shiite" now, but I'm hopeful that Sunni skies lie ahead.So what if he's Christian? Have a sense of humor!

Today's Best - 02.18.08

5. andy pettitte - yesterday yankees pitcher andy pettitte held a press conference to talk about his use of human growth hormone. for an hour or so, he answered any and all questions regarding his past use while taking the opportunity to apologize profusely to everyone. and although pettitte didn't address what he told congress regarding roger clemens, it still seems like he's coming out smelling like roses. or at least smelling like a different flower that didn't smell as good as roses and was forced to take hgh out of desperation. anyways, generally these press conferences involve players apologizing without once mentioning what they did. so to me, it's very refreshing to see a player being so candid. unfortunately, we're in an era where it's safe to assume that this high a level of candidness this late in one's career is likely due to steroids.

4. a fool and his money - with no nba games scheduled and with no new episode of american gladiators monday night, college basketball was the only game in town, unless your town watches hockey. mine does not. anyways, last night featured a texas-texas a&m game that was a longhorn blowout and a hard fought louisville win over an up and down syracuse team. additionally, georgetown won, xavier won, and saint mary's won. i could go in more depth about what happened in each game, but come march madness it won't matter. especially because i've already decided to bet on st mary's under any circumstances.

3. eric gagne's family - yesterday former cy young winner eric gagne, apparently unimpressed by andy pettitte, apologized to his family, friends, and teammates for being a distraction. yet for whatever reason, he failed to address why he was being a distraction, which is becoming a common practice for baseball players facing steroid accusations. it's quite a leap of faith to take this brief statement as a tacit admission of guilt, but what else can we infer if he refuses to elaborate? anyways, since these statements are so trendy, the most interesting thing i got from gagne's apology was the fact that from what i can tell, he didn't mention his fans. i think it's fair to assume this is a tacit admission that he has no fans.

2. nick fazekas - last week when the initial jason kidd trade was announced nick fazekas was probably more than a little excited that the future hall of famer was joining the mavericks. but thanks to saboteurs jerry stackhouse and devean george, the trade had to be reconfigured. and unfortunately, a fazekas-kidd duo just wasn't in the stars. in fact, it doesn't appear a fazekas-any dallas maverick duo is in the stars because tomorrow nick fazekas is expected to be cut in order to make room on the roster for keith van horn who will be immediately traded to the nets. so not a week after buying a jason kidd fat head, fazekas is now unemployed. and because of this, i expect tomorrow, jerry stackhouse and devean george will both receive nice going away presents from nick fazekas. presents that involve their cars being towed.

1. college football players getting suspended six months before the season starts - lsu back-up quarterback ryan perrilloux was suspended indefinitely yesterday for the always ambiguous "violation of team rules". naturally, an explanation this vague invites wild speculation as to which team rule was violated. my money's on rule 3, "don't tickle coach miles". in a similar story about a far less important player, tennessee punter britton colquitt was suspended for five games and had his scholarship rescinded for a recent arrest on charges of driving under the influence and leaving the scene of an accident. these were both violations of tennessee's team rules and also violations of the law's rules. interestingly, britton is the younger brother of nfl punter dustin colquitt and is apparently the fourth member of his family to punt for the volunteers. and if i had to deal with the incessant text messages from my family telling me to "punt it farther next time" or "remember: don't outkick your coverage, love mom" i'd probably drink excessively too.

Damon Jones: Today's Worst - 08.25.76 to Present

this weekend, the nba's all-star game continued to prove why it's the premier all-star event in all sports. on display was the dunking, shooting, and caring that makes the nba so popular. unfortunately, also on display was damon jones. on the list of things i saw too much of this weekend, damon jones ranked first, with commercials for "house of payne" a distant second. it must drive david stern crazy that every year as he's trying to coordinate an all-star game, damon jones shows up, trips over extension cords, accidentally unplugs the scoreboard, and takes a dump in the commissioner's private bathroom. and if it doesn't, i'm sure it drives me crazy enough for the both of us.

although there are plenty of nba players who aren't particularly good, most of them don't spend the all-star weekend bothering their peers who are. all-star games should be a celebration of good basketball that provides an avenue for the nba to give back to their loyal fans. as such, they should never, ever involve damon jones, a miserable player who only celebrates himself and his brand of unproductive basketball and whose only contributions to the fans are turnovers and missed shots that result in hundreds of basketballs in the stands. damon jones is horrible. this isn't a new development to most people. nor is it something that would appear on espnews' bottom ticker as "breaking news: damon jones sucks". seriously, there were hundreds of thousands of people in new orleans this weekend and only two were glad to see damon jones. one was damon jones and the other was the cab driver who took damon jones to the airport before his flight back. that's it.

let me explain that this is not a problem i have with players coming to the all-star game uninvited. dikembe mutombo is always a welcome and familiar face as a courtside spectator even though he hasn't been an all-star since 2002. but mutombo is also one of the most active nba players in the community. damon jones on the other hand, is one of the most inactive nba players on his team. truthfully, i have no idea what charities damon jones is involved in. but based on what i've seen, he's more likely to wreck a house than he is to help build one. so this isn't animosity towards players who attend the all-star game, just towards the worst player who does.

david stern has his stuff together, so i'm sure that over the past few seasons, the nba has gone to great lengths to make sure damon jones doesn't know what city is hosting the all-star game. yet every year like clockwork, damon jones appears grinning from ear to ear as if people actually enjoy his company. needless to say, this is a situation that should be remedied sooner rather than later. i'm not too keen on watching another all-star weekend while having to cheer against things that will make damon jones appear on my television. anyways, since i don't have anything better to do than to come up with solutions to my trivial problems, i have finalized a simple, fool-proof plan that will keep damon jones and the all-star weekend two mutually exclusive events. step one, change the 2009 nba all-star game wikipedia article so that it says the game will be played in egypt and not phoenix. that's the only step. because if i know damon jones, he'll be forced to use the internet to find out where the all-star game is since no one else will tell him. luckily, the first result from googling "2009 all-star game" is a wikipedia article that is readily editable. then while damon jones is on a 25-hour flight to cairo and then a 25-hour flight back once he realizes he's been had, the all-star game will be able to proceed completely unmolested and free of ugly suits. well, ugly suits not worn by craig sager. (wink!)

Today's Best - 02.17.08

5. Lefty - Runner-up for this category is Rasheed Wallace. He shot three jumpers with his off-hand and drained one of them. Plus, Doug Collins claimed he could beat Chris Bosh (who is left-handed) in a left-handed game of H-O-R-S-E. But the real winner was Phil Mickelson, who won for the first time at the Riviera. The LA course is Mickelson’s home away from home, one he’s been trying to win at for 20 years. After a one-under round, Phil finished 12-under for the tournament and cruised after runner-up Jeff Quinney bogeyed three straight holes on the back nine. With the Accenture Match Play Championship on tap, Mickelson is one of the four top seeds (Woods, Els, Stricker). The 64-player tournament gives reason to coin the phrase “February Frenzy”.

4. Confusion - As a kid, I was terribly disturbed by a song from The Muppet Show titled "I'm My Own Grampa". Aside from not understanding why a variety show would focus on incest, it was impossible to keep track of the twists and turns of the family tree. But a new headline from ESPN has renewed my lineage-related bewilderment: “Pettitte's father obtained HGH from son's ex-classmate”. Whose son are they talking about, Andy Pettitte’s or Andy Pettitte’s father? Why do they need to emphasize the “ex” in classmate? I have a hard time determining exactly what happened here, so I’m forced to assume that Roger Clemens is somehow behind this.

3. Dwight Howard - An impressive all-around showing during All-Star week established Dwight as the premier young big man in the league. After a mind-blowing performance during the dunk contest, jaws across America are still dropped. A windmill from behind the backboard. An homage to Christopher Reeve. A double tap move that barely makes sense in video games. And a windmill off a mini basket to top it all off. Superman capped his weekend with a perfect showing from the field in the main event. He made all seven of his field goals and led the East with 9 rebounds. His combination of size, explosiveness and creativity proves the old adage: “Dwight makes Right”.

2. War of the Words - The Philadelphia Phillies and New York Mets are still in spring training, but their trash talk has reached October proportions. Last off-season, MVP Jimmy Rollins proclaimed Philly the team to beat in the NL East, and his team backed it up with a division title. With Johan Santana on board, Carlos Beltran has fired back, saying, “tell Jimmy Rollins we’re the team to beat”. Pitchers Tom Gordon and Brett Myers have responded by saying, “we are a bunch of losers and I can’t believe reporters are actually talking to us.” Then Ryan Howard said, “I struck out 207 times in 147 games last season and my own mother said David Wright is a better hitter than me.”

1. Skip Prosser - The Wake Forest family was rocked this off-season when head basketball coach Skip Prosser died from a heart attack. His most famous student, Chris Paul, honored his late coach with his new shoe. The name "Skip" is inscribed on the inside of the tongue and the shoes will be available March 1st. Prosser's influence was also felt in his team's home victory over Duke. With the student section spelling out "WIN 4 SKIP", freshman Jeff Teague and James Johnson scored 26 and 24, while the Demon Deacons forced 21 turnovers and capitalized on poor shooting by the Blue Devils. Ironic that a game played by two types of hell spawns ended with Duke losing, seeing as how that's what I imagine heaven is like.

??? Part II

What in the world is going on? I turned to TNT and "Four Brothers" was on. Why does the world insist that the All-Star Game has already started?

???

The 2008 NBA All-Star Game is less than an hour away, but Carmelo Anthony is already in top form. Off the opening-tip from Yao Ming, Carmelo pulled up from 31 feet to hit a three. There must have been some sort of clock malfunction, because the time is still stuck is 12:00. Does ESPN know something the rest of us don't? Do they have access to some sort of time portal? Is Gary from web design playing a trick on us after being fired this week? Whatever the case, don't expect Melo to get shut out tonight.

Live from Daytona

as big a sports fan as i am, it's strange that there are certain sports i have absolutely no interest in. things like hockey, auto racing, and mixed martial arts are unable to keep my attention. so in an attempt to broaden my horizons, i sat down to watch the daytona 500, the biggest race in the nascar season. here's a recap of the world's longest left turn:

3:29 - darrell waltrip gives the famous starting command: "gentleman, start your engines!" what happens if danica patrick makes the jump to nascar? would we have to say gentlepeople?
3:35 - i switch to hbo to see the end of "hot shots: part deux". hilarious.
3:47 - race leader denny hamlin starts swerving wildly in an attempt to disrupt the draft. i never knew that part of nascar was acting like you're drunk.
4:07 - i get bored and start watching a show on card counting in blackjack. convince myself that i could make a million dollars on my next vegas trip.
4:12 - flip back to the race and most cars are in their first pit stop. the only thing less interesting than watching cars repeatedly drive in circles is watching cars repeatedly do nothing.
4:20 - i get bored and start playing "street fighter 2". after defeating m. bison with ken on 8-star difficulty, i try to execute a hurricane kick. unsuccessfully.
4:55 - i flip back and there's a yellow flag. a trip to espn indicates that the caution was a result of debris on the track, not a crash. even the exciting moments are dull.
5:03 - i get bored and decide to go running. somewhere along the way, i calculate that the cars were going about 28 times faster than i am. at least i don't run the risk of blowing up.
6:06 - yes! dave ragan and matt kenseth collide in the first major incident of the day. now if the race ends with someone saying "shake and bake", maybe this will be worthwhile.
6:13 - nbatv is running the 2003 all-star game. for some reason, brad miller is involved. a lot can change in five years.
6:24 - another collision. this time, pole sitter jimmie johnson spins out. 20 laps to go.
6:32 - the action is getting 2 fast 2 furious and race leader clint bowyer spins. this race is ludacris.
6:41 - the sixth caution of the day slows down the field yet again. at this point, we should just give the trophy to the pace car.
6:50 - for the third time in ten laps, the yellow flag is out. this is like watching a baby trying to walk, but continuously falling down.
6:58 - ryan newman wins his first daytona 500. more impressive than the win is the fact that it is on wikipedia in two minutes. i think that website can tell the future.

with a final hour that was very disjointed, the daytona 500 ended up being a disappointment. i can see why people tune in, but it's not really my cup of tea. but at least it didn't interfere with the american gladiators finale. now that's what president's day weekend is all about!

Today's Best - 02.14.08

5. dnp's - because of a death in ben wallace's family and an injury to ben gordon, the bulls only played eight players. because of alexander johnson's sprained ankle and chris quinn's inability to play basketball, the heat played eight as well. josh howard's bad back was the only culprit for dallas, so they were able to splurge and play nines. and because someone thought importing shaq was a good idea, phoenix was limited to eight players. it should be noted that one of those suns was sean marks, so it's really more like seven and three fourths.


4. tyrese rice - the junior guard led the bc eagles to victory in an acc matchup against nc state. he scored 32 and handed out 6 assists to give boston college only their fourth conference win. usually a major force in college basketball, the acc is in the middle of a down year by its standards. with only four teams sporting a plus-.500 records, it is not inconceivable that the league could set a low for teams advancing to the ncaa tournament. so rice has got work to do to earn his one shining moment.


3. rubbing some dirt on it - on february 5th, kobe bryant injured the pinky on his shooting hand in a win against the nets. x-rays show that the damage was more extensive than the team originally thought, and bryant actually has a torn ligament. rather than miss a possible six weeks by undergoing surgery, he has opted to suck it up and play through the pain. while he has been replaced in the three-point shootout by dirk the jerk, the league still expects kobe to start for the western all-stars. because without him, where would the scoring come from in an all-star game?


2. tenuous tenures - when kelvin sampson left oklahoma amidst scandal, i assumed he would abide by the ncaa regulations. i should have realized that the amount this kelvin cares about the rules is absolute zero. after a report revealed that he committed five major violations, sampson's coaching career is in jeopardy and his job status is being confirmed on a game-to-game basis. i wonder if indiana's athletic director would feel the same way had brian butch not hit a three to lead wisconsin over the hoosiers on wednesday. if sampson does get fired, perhaps he and isu freshman keenan barlow can get their own show on nickelodeon.


1. typos - erroneously filed documents pointed to a positive drug test by barry bonds, which was reported by several media outlets. less than an hour later, the report had been retracted and labeled a mistake. but now that i can make mistakes and just apologize later, i'm free to go crazy! here are some stories you can expect to see in the coming days:

• mets sign johan santana to 137.5 year, $6 million contract
• phil mickelson wins northern trust open with 16 over par
• redskins considering trade for "cinco ocho", linebacker caleb miller
• devean george buys stock in caesar's atlantic city
• garbage points named "world's greatest website"

All-Star Mania

we've already discussed barkley-bavetta, but the nba all-star weekend has given us so many more memorable moments. so i sat down to choose my some of my favorites. there's no doubt that this list is incomplete and that there are several glaring omissions. let us know your favorite all-star moment in the comments section below.

2004: ron artest's shoes – in hopes of landing a shoe deal, ron artest wore four different brands during the game. the only major brand artest ever endorsed was l.a. gear, which made him the ideal sponsor for 'double dare'. since i couldn’t find video, here’s the on-air call of the pistons-pacers brawl. my favorite part: bill walton saying, “this is a disgrace”.

2007: gilbert’s grapes – after shaq offered him $100k for his charity, agent zero followed the timeout entertainment on to the floor and did a between the legs dunk off a trampoline. bonus points for this because it made its way into gilbert’s fantastic all-star blog.

2007: rookie/sophomore game – the sophs scored 155. david lee made every field goal (14) and free throw (2) he attempted. chris paul ended with nine steals and seventeen assists. monta ellis converted seven alley oops. defense is overrated.

2007: shaq/howard/lebron dance - seeing the lighter side of athletes is a refreshing change from hearing about ‘taking it one game at a time’, or ‘playing within ourselves’. my dream is for juan carlos navarro, luis scola, and yi jianlian to reenact this during the rookie/sophomore game. my dreams suck.

2006: barkley on damon jones - the only bad thing about this was that it overshadowed andre igoudala. he had a behind the back dunk and a dunk in which he took off from out of bounds under the basket. meanwhile, nate robinson had to try his dunk over fifteen times.

1988: jordan-wilkins dunk contest – probably the most famous dunk contest of all-time, and one that made little to no sense. dominique’s third dunk getting a 45 was a move by the judges to keep the contest in reach, but jordan’s double-clutch from the free throw line was worth the controversy.

2003: rookie/sophomore game - the sophomores embarrassed the rookies in a game that was capped off with jason richardson bouncing the ball off carlos boozer's head and draining a three. after calling j-rich “classless” for his actions, boozer broke a handshake agreement with cavs owner gordon gund, who is legally blind. pure class.

2000: vince carter dunk contest - with a lineup of larry hughes, jerry stackhouse, ricky davis, steve francis and tracy mcgrady, this should have been the most competitive dunk contest ever. instead, vinsanity obliterated everyone. this clip is worth it just for the look of sheer euphoria on dikembe mutombo’s face.

2003: jordan’s last all-star game - despite playing only 15 games due to injury, vince carter was elected the starting 2 guard for the east, but he eventually gave his starting role to jordan. his shot over shawn marion would be number one on my list, except kobe tied the game with free throws and the west went on to win big.

1992: magic johnson (skip to 6:50) - magic had just been diagnosed with hiv and the public still didn't know very much about it. at the time, aids was basically a death sentence and most people thought you could get it from simple contact. more than the game itself, magic’s courage in dealing with this disease is what i remember most about the game. him taking over the final two minutes was a moment i'll never forget.

despite baseball's attempt to make the all-star game relevant, the nba still serves up the best showcase of their elite talent. the entire weekend is a blast and with this year's celebration being held in new orleans, there will be plenty of good done for a community that sorely needs it. as much fun as it is to look back on the past, i'm infinitely more excited to see new history being made.

now please, go back to damon jones' coat.

Today's Best - 02.13.08

5. versatility - on a night that jason kidd didn't play, players across the league picked up his slack. carlos boozer recorded his first career triple-double with 22 points, 11 reobounds, and 10 assists while lamar odom finished with 10 points, 16 rebounds, and 10 assists for his 12th career triple-double. additionally, three other players came very close to triple-doubles of their own. andre iguodala had 29 points, eight rebounds, and eight assists; detroit's amir johnson had eight points, nine rebournds, and seven blocks; and antonio daniels had nine points, eight rebounds, and seven assists. interestingly, each of these players' teams won. this further proves my theory that being a good basketball player is good for your team. unfortunately, it also disproved my theory that players who lie to blind people do not get triple-doubles.

4. stan van gundy - after the monday night's loss to cleveland, magic coach stan van gundy publicly challenged dwight howard. among other things van gundy said that howard needed to make a more concerted effort to focus on defense. it was a bold move by van gundy especially considering that sloppy, mustachioed coaches are much easier to replace than franchise big men. but it seems to have paid off as dwight howard responded with 23 points and 24 rebounds in a 109-98 win against the nuggets. this likely means that in addition to dwight howard make a concerted effort to focus on defense every game, stan van gundy will also make a concerted effort to criticize dwight howard after every game. as such, last night dwight howard was so dumb that it took him two hours to watch 60 minutes. and he was also so ugly that when he was born, the doctor slapped his mother. anyways, expect the ugly, dumb dwight howard to go off for 50 and 50 next game.

3. ginobody - because i'm a spiteful and petty person, i promised myself that i will never heap praise on manu ginobili no matter what. therefore, today i won't mention the 46 points he scored on 15-of-20 shooting which included 8-of-11 from three in a 112-105 win in cleveland. instead let's talk about how the career-high 2.8 turnovers he's averaging per game that currently leads all nba players who don't start. which means in this regard, horse manure ginobili is actually the worst sixth man in the entire league. worse than malik allen!

2. memphis - last night, the number one memphis tigers won their 24th game 68-59 in hard fought game against the houston cougars. houston played admirably but ultimately couldn't overcome the fact that the tigers shot 42 free throws while the cougars shot twice. but to be fair, the cougars committed 19 fouls in the final minute while trying to extend the game. anyways, with every win the tigers get closer to a perfect season, which is my way of saying something plainly obvious while trying to pass it off as insight. but while memphis' college basketball team has been in the midst of a terific season, memphis' professional basketball team has been struggling. so far, the grizzlies have won 10 fewer games than the tigers. since trading pau gasol, the grizzlies have won a single game, which is generally what you can expect when you trade away your second best player and get kwame browm in return. though it's also what you can expect when you trade away anyone and get kwame brown in return. but with the grizzlies season going nowhere except sportscenter highlights that feature rudy gay jumping over the moon and running away with the spoon, i think it's time kwame brown gets that college education he should have gotten seven years ago. plus, with kwame brown in the mix, the memphis tigers would become the prohibitive favorites to win the ncaa tourney. or at least the favorites to violate several ncaa regulations by starting a professional basketball player.

1. devean george - yesterday afternoon, jason kidd appeared to be on his way back to dallas in a seven player trade. but in a surprise development before last night's 96-76 victory over portland, devean george, one of the five mavericks that was to be sent to jersey, told the team that he was going to block the trade. impressively, this means devean george is only two more blocked trades from matching his season total of blocked shots. in spite of this news, devean george started in place of an injured josh howard and even managed to match howard's production as neither howard nor george scored a point nor made a basket. this probably didn't endear himself to the already angry dallas crowd. anyways, in the end i expect george will eventually relent. i can't imagine he really wants to spend the rest of the season as public enemy number one in dallas. he's probably just holding up the trade until after the all-star game so that the league doesn't get confused about which team jason kidd will suit up for. but if i'm wrong and george does stay, hopefully this results in a sharp division in the mavs' posh locker room between the players who were supposed to be traded and those that weren't. and hopefully this culminates in a west side story-esque gang fight where dirk nowitzki sings "i feel pretty".

Remember When Sports Involved Playing Games?

With John McCain on the verge of winning the GOP nomination for the presidency, and Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton neck-and-neck for the Democratic Party’s bid, you’d think that Congress would have more important things to worry about. Instead, Brian McNamee and Roger Clemens will face off this morning, with the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee playing the part of Judge Judy. Later in the day, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will meet with governor and crazed-theorist Arlen Specter. The topic of Spygate, specifically the league’s role in destroying evidence pertaining to the investigation, will be the focus of the agenda. Of course, they’ll probably also investigate why Goodell is so much better at his job than Bud Selig.

I don’t understand why our government thinks they need to rule over professional sports. Baseball instituted drug testing and has enforced the penalties for two full seasons. Roger Clemens is not an active major league player, so why do we care whether or not he took steroids? The league punished the New England Patriots with a fine and the forfeiture of a draft pick. Bill Belichick has complied with the league’s ruling, so why does the issue need to be revisited? Maybe this is naivety on my part, but it seems like Congress is creating an issue where there is none. I think we’d all be better served if they got back to what they do best: use partisanship as an excuse for their inefficiency.

Today's Best - 02.12.08

5. snoopy* - every dog has its day and for one special dog, tuesday was that day. for the first time in the history of the westminster kennel club, a beagle has won best in show. uno, a two-year-old in the 15-inch group made history when he became the first beagle to win the hound group since 1939. to compare, when i was two, i could barely talk and often defecated on myself. while my knowledge of canine competitions is limited to what i learned from "best in show", i have to admit that the fanfare was pretty interesting, even if the commentator never mentioned how much he can bench press. in the post-contest press conference, uno attributed his success to all the beagles that came before him: joe cool, the world war i flying ace, spike, andy and olaf.

4. telestrator operators - one of my biggest complaints about announcers is how awful they are at using the telestrator. john madden, one of the best color men of all-time, only uses the technology to make sophomoric jokes. i suggest he get a wii and practice on madden '08 to hone his skills. until then, all telestration should only be done by john king of cnn. his zooming, panning and drawing skills are unprecedented, and his coverage of the presidential primaries makes me feel like i'm watching "minority report". with the ability to provide up-to-the minute statistics and detailed analysis, king would be a godsend in the world of sports. if he's good enough to cover the election of the leader of the free world, he's good enough to diagram allen iverson crossing over steve blake.

3. drunken spending - fresh off a super bowl victory, the hangover is still in full effect for the new york giants. there's word that they are close to inking a five-year, $7 million deal with kicker lawrence tynes. fans remember tynes for his 47-yarder in lambeau field to send his team to the super bowl, but his two previous misses in the game have been forgotten. also forgotten: the rest of tynes' season. the 29-year-old was 85% on field goals (18th in the league) and never attempted a kick from beyond 48 yards. plus, he is one of two kickers (adam vinatieri) to miss more than one extra point last year and finished with the lowest percentage in the nfl. we asked tom coughlin to justify the contract, but he was last seen wearing a lampshade and hitting on his best friend's girlfriend.

2. advantage: scandal - at a tennis tournament in belgium, three men with laptops were asked to leave the stands. the men were accused of "exploiting the delay between the time a point was won and the time it appeared on the official tournament web site". coincidentally, they have also been charged with "giving me the greatest idea ever". this comes on the heels of accusations of match fixing. in a match against number 87 in the world martin arguello, the then number 4 nikolay davydenko was an 11-1 underdog, even after winning the first set. after nikolay withdrew in the third set, a gambling website ended up voiding over $7 million in bets placed against him. professional gamblers and analysts say that based on the shocking odds and large sums of money wagered, there is no doubt that davydenko threw the match. it’s enough to make you wish for the days when tennis scandals just involved stabbing and shoplifting.

1. vanddderbilt - the commodores brought more 'd' than kentucky could handle. after holding the wildcats scoreless for a 9:45 span in the first half, vandy had a thirty point lead at the break. it only got worse as the commodores scored 52 in the second half, which was kentucky's output for the entire game. so theoretically, vandy could have slept in for another hour or so, shown up at the half, and still forced overtime. no matter how you slice the stats, billy gillespie's squad got worked. they turned the ball over fifteen times and only had five assists. they missed over two-thirds of their shots. they were on the business end of 10-0, 12-0, and 15-0 runs. in fact, the only stats the 'cats led in were blocked shots (5-2) and silent bus rides home (1-0).

*i think i deserve an award for writing this section without saying "who let the dogs out?", "where my dogs at?", or "you're the man now, dog!"

Dat Call Was Turrible

In a matchup of last year’s National Championship, Rutgers took on Tennessee in Knoxville. Aside from being an extremely high profile game for women's basketball, Vivian Stringer's squad played for a worthy cause. In tandem with the Jimmy V Foundation, the Scarlet Knight’s wore pink jerseys and shoes to support “Think Pink”, an initiative to support breast cancer research. I assumed that meant Tennessee was supporting breast cancer ignorance, so I cheered against them. The presence of Candace Parker made it easy to do so. Here’s quick rundown of some of the reasons I dislike her:

• Everyone goes crazy every time she dunks, even though she’s 6’4”. I’d dunk all the time if I was 6’4”.
• She dates Shelden Williams.
• She stole Chris Paul’s nickname (CP-3).
• She willingly dates Shelden Williams.
• Judges handed her the McDonald’s All-American Dunk Contest even though JR and Josh Smith did dunks that were a billion times better.
• She looks like Janelle from “The Real World: Key West”
• At some point she asked herself, “should I go on a date with Shelden Williams?” and decided that it would be a good idea.

Rutgers had a one point lead when Nicky Anosike was fouled with 0.2 seconds on the clock. Replay clearly showed that the clock malfunctioned, and that the game should have been over. Instead, Anosike hit two free throws to give the Volunteers the 59-58 win. When questioned about the call, officials were dumbfounded that anyone would choose to spend time with Shelden Williams.

Meanwhile in DC, Villanova had Georgetown on the ropes. The score was tied at 53 and ‘Nova could hold for the last shot. As Scottie Reynolds (who went to my brother’s high school) drove, his pass was deflected to Jonathan Wallace, who took off up the sideline with less than a second on the clock. Wallace appeared to step out of bounds with a tenth of a second remaining and the ref blew the whistle. But instead of a turnover, Corey Stokes (who went to someone’s brother’s high school) was called for a touch foul 70 feet from the basket. Wallace made the free throws and G-Town escaped with an aided victory.

Referees get abused for their inconsistency and inaccuracy. But as far as I know, we don’t have a better way of interpreting and enforcing the rules. So until the government allows me continue my research aimed at creating a robot with the eyes of Tim McClelland, the brain of Dick Bavetta, and the biceps of Ed Hochuli, I’m going to have to live with the occasional controversial ending. But at least I don't have to kiss Shelden Williams.

Today's Best - 02.11.08

5. dallas philanthropy - over the last two nights, mediocre eastern conference teams that are defying logic to remain in the playoff hunt have run roughshod over the mavericks. on sunday, new jersey blew out dallas to remain the 8th best nba team on the east. then yesterday, philadelphia rode terrific defense and a reggie evans-josh howard collision to beat dallas 85-76. the mavericks are now 22-6 against the west and 12-11 against the worst including a 4-9 mark on the east coast. i'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this. such as, the mavericks really aren't as good as i thought they were. or the mavericks have had to start jj barea in their last five games. or the mavericks don't know what time zones are. either way, i'm not sure the return of devin harris from injury is going solve all of the mavs problems. unless devin harris grew like 10 feet while he was injured. and even then, that'd probably cause more problems than it would solve.

4. the league's best sub-.500 playoff team - the warriors came back from a 23 point deficit to hand the wizards their eight straight loss. the wizards jumped out early but the calm, steadying hand of stephen jackson helped golden state claw back. ultimately, jackson finished with 41 points and the wizards took wild threes and turned it over like they forgot which side of the court they were supposed to shoot on. anyways, as a wizards fan, i'm not sure if i should be encouraged that they've been playing so well recently without caron butler and antonio daniels, or hopping mad that they've let winnable games escape. on one hand, the wizards rookies and role players are getting much needed experience. on the other hand i'm hopping mad that it's been two weeks since they've last won a game. but i guess it could be worse, they could be in the western conference where an eight game losing streak would result in an immediate lottery pick.

3. poortland - in a game between the two teams who are angriest that they don't play in the east, the rockets defeated the blazers 95-83 in houston. since their terrific run from december to early january, portland has cooled off considerably. they haven't won consecutive games in over a month and it looks like they might need greg oden next year after all. on the other side, houston has been playing much better of late and have run off 10 wins in their last 11 games. it's going to be interesting to see what each team does around the trade deadline. the rockets have been getting suprisingly good production from their rookies carl landry and aaron brooks, but they still look like a team that's missing a piece. the blazers however, as documented in truehoop, could have as many as 21 players under contract for next season, so they could be very active in the trade market. hopefully, these teams kill two birds with one stone and just trade with each other. my suggestion: mutomobo for oden straight up. it makes perfect sense, the blazers need veteran leadership and the rockets would be willing to trade veteran leadership for greg oden.

2. kansas state - texas handed kansas only their second loss of the season last night in a 72-69 thriller. it was a back and forth game throughout as neither team held a lead larger than seven points. ultimately, texas prevailed thanks to their great play down the stretch. and that's pretty much as generic as a recap can get. but to me, the real story is that with a jayhawks loss, kansas state moves into first place in the big 12. hopefully, this means that michael beasley just leaves school now to go pro. like right now. like i hope today in his physics class when his teacher assigns homework, beasley stands up, throws all his papers in the air, and screams "well, i'm going pro!" although, if his physics teacher is anything like my physics teacher, he better actually go pro. because if he doesn't and shows up for class the next day, he's going to have to clap erasers after physics for the next month.

1. bigotry - yesterday, john rocker, former pitcher-current jerk, alleged that bud selig knew he failed a drug test in 2000 and that the league and the players association "advised him how to effectively use steroids." rocker then alleged that new york "is the most hectic, nerve-racking city" and "having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with aids, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year old mom with four kids" is "depressing." anyways, his intial allegations, if true, would be pretty serious. though they would have been more serious if they weren't from such a classless bigot. also, why did it take so long for this to come out? rocker's been out of baseball for a while why was this the perfect time to say something and not years earlier? but i guess questioning the timing of someone who doesn't think the appropriate time to make ignorant and intolerant comments is never is kind of fruitless.

Brendan Haywood is the Worst Player on Errf

brendan haywood, a player who is 7-feet tall, just lost a jump ball to chris webber, a player who does not own knees. this is completely unacceptable. chris webber hasn't won a tip since nba jam: tournament edition.

Patriot Lames

During the pre-game intros for last night's Pro Bowl, the AFC Champion Patriots were booed lustily by the fans. Every other player received vociferous praise, especially Super Bowl champion Osi Umenyiora. Defensive tackle Vince Wilfork had a theory on why his team was the target of haughty Hawaiian hatred: "everybody hates you when you're on top". Vince must've skipped that episode of Sesame Street when he was a 200-pound toddler, because he clearly doesn't understand what 'top' means. Garbage Points interviewed all six Patriots after the game, and asked them for their thoughts on the fans' outburst:

Dan Koppen - "I was really surprised that the fans booed us. After four years of Colt Brennan, you'd think they'd be used to a team that steam-rolls through the regular season, and then craps out when it really counts.

Matt Light - "We probably didn't do ourselves any favors by taking the field with the Imperial Death March playing over the loudspeaker. But when your head coach is the most evil man in the universe, it kinda comes with the territory."

Logan Mankins - "Why do I think they were booing? Fans paid to see Tom Brady throw bombs to Randy Moss. Instead they get Logan Mankins and Logan Mankins' disgusting beard. You do the math."

Asante Samuel - "Who cares? Do you have an idea how much money I am going to make this off-season? I don't give a damn what a bunch of rainbow warriors think. And remember when I laid out Larry Fitzgerald? I'm the greatest!"

Mike Vrabel - (holding back tears) "It's not fair! I am a football player!" (incoherent blubbering)

Vince Wilfork - "They weren't saying 'boo', they were saying 'U'. You know, as in the University of Miami? It's nice to see that even in a foreign country, people respect the value of a good education."

The 2003 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition*

this weekend we were inundated with all sorts of new information regarding roger clemens performance enhancing allegations. i know we've been talking about clemens a lot recently, so i won't go over all these new wrinkles. instead, i'll just touch on the newest wrinkle that i found most interesting. specifically, the wrinkle concerning roger clemens' wife not wanting wrinkles. on friday, brian mcnamee told investigators that he injected debbie clemens with hgh before the 2003 sports illustrated photo shoot. not only does this mean that the 2003 si swimsuit edition should be branded with an asterisk forever, it means that in my mind, brian mcnamee has already sewn up the title of most hilarious person of 2008.

i'll readily admit that the benefits of hgh kind of escape me as it pertains to athletes. but as it pertains the non-athlete wives of athletes, it has escaped me and then started a new life in cabo as "sterling van buren" the inventor of thumb tacks. hopefully this doesn't come off as sexist but, why is it at all useful for women to take hgh before they parade around in bikinis? i'd understand steroid use if debbie had a pair of testicles that she needed to shrink before wearing a revelaing bathing suit, but as far as hgh, i'm completely ignorant. what does hgh do that breast augmentation, liposuction, or even air brushing does not? this isn't to say that i don't believe brian mcnamee. because i do for two reasons. one, because this would be a very weird thing to make up, and two, because i'd much rather believe a mcnamee than a clemens. it just seems to me that debbie clemens thinks hgh is some sort of all powerful flintstones vitamin that will let you live forever. and i doubt brian mcnamee injected her before having the following conversation.

debbie clemens: brian, i have a photo shoot tomorrow, inject me with hgh.
brian mcnamee: uh mrs. clemens, i don't think you understand what hgh does.
debbie clemens: listen, does my husband pay you to think or to poke things in butts?
brian mcnamee: (sigh) ...poke things in butts.
debbie clemens: then shut up and inject me with hgh you nitwit.
brian mcnamee: ...you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: what did you just say?
brian mcnamee: i said, you'll be sorry. just you wait.
debbie clemens: thank you brian, i have lost weight!

i'd apologize for talking about roger clemens so much recently, but frankly i'm not sorry. everyday this story finds a way to top itself. and now with this revelation that debbie clemens used hgh too, i just don't know if there's an end in sight. tomorrow we could find out that the clemens' family dog was a cat before mcnamee injected it with hgh or that koby clemens, roger's eldest son, is actually just a big syringe and i wouldn't be the least bit surprised. but if there is a positive that can come out of this bizarre report, it's that perhaps women who feel pressured by hollywood to look a certain way will eschew eating disorders and just order hgh. then when i open my hgh mart, the hgh will fly off the shelves and i'll meet girls with low self esteem. we all win!

Today's Best - 02.10.08

5. justin dentmon - the junior guard from carbondale, il came off the bench to lead his huskies to an upset of the number 4 team in america, the ucla bruins. his twenty points led washington, but the real story was his defense against darren collison. the all-pac 10 point guard was held to three points on 1 of 8 shooting (his lowest output of the season) and turned the ball over nine times. "i just kept having these dreams of playing above my abilities," said dentmon, to which he later added, "call me now for your free reading." the game got chippy in the final minute when washington was trying to inbound the ball. to avoid a five second violation, tim morris threw the ball off a ucla player's face and it bounced harmlessly out of bounds. something tells me morris is the kind of guy who would check the ball by chucking it at your shins.

4. carmelo anthony - on friday, 'melo set a career high when he scored 49 points against the short-handed wizards. thanks in part to how short his opponents' hands were, anthony was able to get off uncontested shots all night and shot 19-25. had it not been for the wizards double teaming him without the ball for the final minute plus, he probably would have set a season high for the nba. he followed up his record performance on sunday when he faced off against lebron james. despite sitting out the fourth quarter of a forty point blowout, carmelo scored 27 and ran his professional record against lebron to 8-2. in fact, in their only matchup during high school, carmelo led oak hill academy beyond st. vincent-st. mary's. upset with his team's performance, damon jones ripped into his teammates, seeming to direct his anger at lebron james. it should be noted that lebron finished with 30 points while damon jones missed every shot he took and needed help tying his shoes before tip-off.

3. shawn marion - the matrix made his first appearance in the heat lineup this sunday against the lakers. it has been well-documented that amare stoudemire and marion did not get along and that marion and amare each wanted a bigger role. yahoo! sports confirmed that their wishes came true when they announced that each was the top performer for their respective teams. while the suns won their game, miami lost for the 22nd time in their last 23. it appears that marion got his wish, but at what cost, shawn? at what cost?

2. terrifying collisions - as if hockey wasn't hard enough to watch, now it's getting downright uncomfortable. in the third quarter of a panthers-bruins game, richard zednik ran into his teammate olli jokinen. more specifically, zednik's neck ran into the bottom of jokinen's skate. he skated toward the bench, leaving a trail of blood behind him. the game was stalled for fifteen minutes and eventually ended with buffalo victorious. surgery was successful and zednik is now in stable condition. the same can't be said for the future of a league with waning fan interest and on-ice safety issues.

1. wussy football - thanks to two touchdowns each from terrell owens and adrian peterson, the nfc was able to rebound from a seventeen point hole to defeat the afc in this year's pro bowl. a.d. took home mvp honors, along with a brand new car. the final game of the season is always scaled back a little to prevent injuries, but i think they went too far this year. rule changes included the elimination of intentional grounding and the inability for defenses to play nickel or dime packages. on back to back plays in the third quarter, al harris and darren sharper each received unsportsmanlike conduct penalties. harris' was called for press coverage, while sharper was whistled for blitzing. next year, the rules committee is considering banning play-action passes and reverting to two-hand touch.

When I Was Your Age, Chris Webber Was A Warrior and Gas Was Slightly Cheaper

the previous image is from nba live 95, my favorite super nintendo game when chris webber was last on the warriors. last night, webber returned to the warrior starting lineup for the first time in 14 years. back then, michael jordan was a baseball player, kids on my bus were playing magic the gathering, d2: the mighty ducks was out in theatres, and nicole brown simpson and ron goldman were still alive. times have indeed changed. and now that webber is back in the bay, i've been reminded of what an unstoppable force the live 95 warriors were.

their real-life counterparts were the second highest scoring team in the league and won 50 games. what a lot of people don't often talk about is that golden state did this despite tim hardaway missing the entire season with a knee injury. avery johnson was forced into a loud and starting role, the warriors bowed out early in the playoffs, and chris webber was traded after the season. webber and hardaway never got a chance to play together and golden state had to wait until just last year to play their next postseason game. this meant that my snes remains the only place where the warriors true potential was on full display. and because i'm pretty sure you'd like to be re-introduced to the players that composed the starting lineup of the best video basketball team of all time, here they are.

since being drafted 3rd overall in the 1991 nba draft and failing to meet his potential, billy owens has been one of the more famed draft busts in the league. but in 93-94, owens had a decent season and was rewarded by the fat cats at ea sports. owens was one of the best fifth options in the game and would routinely embarrass the vinny del negros of the world. according to the ratings, he was the second best dribbler and the third best passer on the team. in this game, he was golden state's tayshaun prince, if tayshaun were an avid magic the gathering fan.

chris mullin has since become the warriors general manager and was responsible for signing webber. off hand, i can't remember another time a former player turned gm signed one of their previous teammates. hopefully, next week mullin adds sarunas marciulionis and terry teagle to the team as well. anyways, before he was chris mullin the gm, he was chris mullin the player who i made toss up as many three pointers as possible in nba live. in real life, mullin was much more than a spot up shooter. but at the same time, in real life he battled alcoholism early in his career. and i've often heard the best way to avoid a relapse is to spend every waking minute camped behind the three-point line with one thumb on the chuck button. since mullin was the second best three-point shooter on the team, more often than not this strategy worked. and when it didn't work, at least mullin was one of the only players in the game that had a blonde flat top.

in his two previous seasons before live 95 came out, tim hardaway averaged 22.5 ppg and 10.2 apg. unfortunately because of his injury, hardaway never played a single game with chris webber. though if this game is any indication, if hardaway had played the 93-94 season, in every game the warriors would have jumped out to 70 point leads by halftime before my brother reset the game in frustration. because of his speed and quickness ratings, hardaway was almost impossible to guard. and if that weren't enough his near perfect 98 passing and 95 homophobia ratings were among the highest in the game.

growing up, latrell sprewell was my favorite player in the league. i bought had a sprewell warriors jersey and once i traded a then-expensive grant hill rookie card for like 25 latrell sprewell cards. my friends thought i was such an idiot at the time. but as it turned out, we were all idiots for spending money on basketball cards. but that doesn't change the fact that in nba live 95, latrell sprewell was ruthless. not only was he the team's best three point shooter, second best passer, and second best dunker, he was a terrific defender. one last interesting thing about sprewell, since 1980, no player has played more minutes in a season as he did in 93-94 and only ron artest has been suspended more minutes in a season as sprewell did in 97-98 after he choked pj carlesimo.

for whatever reason, even though he only spent one season in golden state, i think of chris webber more as warrior than any a bullet, wizard, king, sixer, or piston. i think it's because washington traded him for mitch richmond before he got really good, i always liked shaq and kobe's lakers more than the kings, the iverson-webber duo was a disaster in philly, and he chose number 84 on the pistons. so though he may have had better seasons elsewhere, i don't think he's ever been on a more talented team than that warriors team his rookie year. unfortunately, it's doubtful he'll be able to reclaim much of the magic that led to webber being one of the best players in live, let's just hope he does enough not to derail a possible warriors playoff berth. step number one, make sure it's another 14 years before chris webber starts another game for golden state.

Today's Best - 02.07.08

5. teenage drama - for those of you who haven't been following the intriguing story of kevin hart, here's a brief, but not that brief, summary: high school student holds a press conference on national signing day to announce what school he has chosen, high school student picks cal over oregon, both schools release statements that they never recruited high school student, high school student is believed to have been defrauded, authorities search for the scam artists who defrauded the high school student, authorities find nothing, high school student admits he made it all up, high school student does his pre-calculus homework. so to summarize, kevin hart is the funniest person i've ever heard of. no wonder he shares the same name with the star of "soul plane" and "in the mix ". anyways, if something there is one positive that could result from this, it's a buddy cop movie called "hart to hart". the plot would revolve around one kevin hart coming up with an outrageous lie about how he made lieutenant when in fact he isn't even in the police force while the other kevin hart flies the soul plane. then there would be a 40-minute food fight to end the movie.

4. booing teenagers - last night, indiana beat illinois 83-79 in double overtime in eric gordon's first game in champaign. illini fans had it in for gordon as last year he backed out of a verbal commitment to illinois and signed with the rival hoosiers. gordon only had one point in the first half, but moderately turned it on after that with 18 points and a banked three that forced the first overtime. so despite the vicious heckling and relentless booing, eric gordon gets the last laugh. anyways, as i watched highlights of this game, i tried to figure out the most i've ever been booed at one time. i honestly, couldn't come up with anything other than in elementary school when my parents really let me have it during dinner one time. therefore, my new goal this year is to at some point be greeted by a chorus of boos from a large group of people. my other goal this year is to verbally committ to play basketball somewhere and then reneg and sign with one of their rivals.

3. happyi new yaor - yesterday, was the lunar new year and yao ming celebrated by having a typically efficient game with 22 points 14 rebounds to help the rockets top the cavs 92-77. then after the game yao and his panda friends ling ling and ting ting went back to the bamboo furniture shack, or so salesgenie.com would have us believe. mercifully though, yi jianlian, the league's other chinese player, had the night off. since the american new year started yi has been dreadful, averaging 7.3 points per game on sub-35% shooting. but now that this horrid jianlianuary is behind him, hopefully yi has made a chinese new years resolution to stop bringing shame to his country.
2. hurt schilling - something is wrong with curt schilling but i refuse to read any articles to find out what it is for fear of accidentally having to read things that schilling has to say. but if i had to guess using only the headline "schilling: i'll relent to nonsurgical option", i think it's a pretty safe assumption that schilling is somehow injured. either that or schilling is a faith healer who doesn't believe in surgery. or even better, a scientologist who doesn't believe in medicine. and who also doesn't even... who's glib, who's glib, and doesn't even know what ritalin is. anyways, the most annoying thing about curt schilling is that even in headlines, curt schilling manages to get his two cents in. "schilling: i'll relent to nonsurgical option" could have very easily been "schilling to relent to nonsurgical option" of "schilling did something". but of course, with curt schilling everything is "me" and "i". though i guess that's just how he is. besides, when you're a scientologist and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one who can really help.

1. golden state worriers - chris webber's return to the bay was spoiled last night as a bulls team without ben gordon, kirk hinrich, and luol deng beat golden state 114-108. so how were the bulls able to put up 114 without their three most gifted offensive players and on a night where ben wallace was held to 0-of-7 from the free throw line? because the warriors are the worst team in the world and let chris duhon score 34 points on 11-of-16 shooting. this was a career high for duhon and likewise a career low for me. even worse, duhon's 34 points were the most points scored by any player yesterday. this means that forty years from now, chris duhon will be able to tell his grandchildren that on february 7th, 2008, he was the nba's most prolific scorer. then when his grandchildren tell him, "yeah, but duhon, you sucked every other day of your life", chris duhon will respond by swatting them with his cane. thanks warriors, you've just contributed to child abuse and also a future where grandchildren that call their grandparents by their last name.

Rocket in an Blue Dress

I remember sitting in the computer lab of my highschool fervently trying to obtain a copy of Kenneth Star's report that outlaid the sexual misconduct of former President Bill Clinton and one Monica Lewinsky. Why the enthusiasm you ask? Because me and my friends are perverts, and you don’t get lurid tales of oral sex, cigar deviancy and inappropriately stained blue dressess in Catholic-school text-books. Anyway, the story of the blue dress complete with the official presidential seal was always my favorite; what kind of creep would you have to be to save such a "souvenir" for over two years? While I respect Ms. Lewinsky for turning her and Bill's clumsiness into fame, you can’t blame me for placing her directly into the starting lineup of the All-Weirdo team.

Well move over Ms. Lewinsky because Brian McNamee has just out-creeped you. Reportedly, Mr. McNamee's defense team has turned over to Congressional court used syringes and gauze pads that McNamee says were part of the steroid and human-growth-hormone treatments that he administered to Roger Clemens. The source says that the materials were from 2000 and 2001 and contain Clemens' DNA. While I am in favor of anything that sullies the career of Roger Clemens, I cant get over the fact that any sane person would save such items without some kind of pre-meditated strategy to either set Clemens up, or to wait for the technology to arise that will enable him to create an army of cloned Roger Clemenses (in which case I hope the technology arises the day after I perish, and not a day sooner). The man saved used, bloody, gauze for 8 years!! Where do you keep something for 8 years? Does he have a refrigerator filled with other weird and disgusting stuff? Andy Pettite’s snot rockets, a 2000 Yankees "championship" hair doll, Derek Jeter's herpes medicine? Makes you wonder, was Chuck Knoblaucks confidence and career ruined because every time he tried to throw to first he was thinking about why his tobacco spitoon kept disappearing? All I know is that if I'm Roger Clemens, I'm coming clean, and quick, because you never know if Brian will open up a whole new can of worms when he pulls a Lewinsky and unearths some sort of "rocket-fuel" stained garment he's been saving for a rainy day. A gross can of worms indeed.

Super, Scintillating, Sucky

i realized something during last night's unc-duke matchup. as much as i hate duke, i can't really bring myself to cheer for north carolina, either. i can't tell if it's roy williams or tyler the defiler, but something about that team just irritates me. the main reason i tuned into this game was the return of dick vitale. he annoys me to no end, but his catch phrases and trademark voice modulations make every game exciting. with a sport as emotionally as college basketball, we need someone like vitale to give us the right level of enthusiasm. constantly hearing about greg paulus having the heart of a warrior is an unavoidable cost.

but i live in an acc market and the game was blacked out on espn. normally i don't mind having to watch local channels because the play-by-play guys are more interesting. but for some God forsaken reason, my20 decided that billy packer would be the right choice for this game. it's weird that for fans of the acc, the biggest conference matchup (and possibly the biggest rivalry in all of sports) wasn't announced by the conference’s biggest proponent. vitale is such a huge fan of the acc that when i learned of his throat ailment, i naturally assumed he caught mono from making out with mike krzyzewski. the only respite i got from killjoy packer was a stretch early in the first half in which the station had technical difficulties (the silence was preferable). i know the man is a legend in the ncaa, but i wish he'd stick to making fun of bad acts by the muppets.
without ty lawson, the game was never really in doubt, and duke cruised to victory. but it was probably more entertaining for those who heard someone yelling about PTPers, trifectas, and dipsy-do-dunk-a-roos. without vitale, “march madness” is just “march”.

From Way Downtown...Bang!

The NBA announced the six participants that will make up the field for this year's three-point shootout. Along with the skills competition, the dunk contest, and Charles Barkley racing an aging referee, it makes up All-Star Saturday, one of the most fan-friendly days of the season. This year's contest has a varied field and it stands to be an excellent competition. Here's a rundown of the entrants, along with my odds of them walking away with the title of "best three-point shooter off a rack in a timed shootout against no defense":

6. richard hamilton - rip is shooting 47% on the season, but is merely a 34% shooter for his career. he strikes me as the kind of player who shoots best in the flow of a game, rather than on an island. maybe the league will allow him to run off a screen before his shots.
odds to win: 1 in 12

5. kobe bryant - jellybean jr. is shooting just above his career average at 35% this year. he's looking to become the only player to win both the slam dunk and three-point contests. like hamilton, i trust him more in a game situation than i do in a contest like this. but kobe shines under pressure, so it's hard to count him out. unless you're me.
odds to win: 1 in 10

4. peja stojakovich - coming off an injury-plagued season, peja has been an important cog in new orleans' renaissance. as a back-to-back winner in '02 and '03, stojakovich has been there before and should have the crowd behind him 100%. but the man's full name is 'predrag'. blech.
odds to win: 1 in 9

3. jason kapono - last year's winner is shooting an absurd 51% from behind the arc this year. and after tying marc price's record for a final round last year, he looks poised to win. you know who else looked poised to win? the patriots. how'd that work out for new england?
odds to win: 1 in 7

2. steve nash - aside from being the most accurate passer in the league, nash is extremely accurate in his passes to the basket. his unbelievable conditioning will keep him fresh in the late rounds as well. plus, having shaq cheering him on will give him a pretty healthy boost.
odds to win: 1 in 5

1. daniel gibson - after a breakout performance in last year's playoffs, gibson has emerged as a go-to-scorer for the cavs. his three-point shot is one of the reasons the cavs were able to recover from a spotty start. expect gibson to avenge his teammate damon jones' poor showing last year. now if only everyone would just stop calling him "boobie".
odds to win: 1 in 3So there you have it. A detailed look at how the 2008 three-point contest is going to play out. And if it turns out I'm wrong about this, remember that I picked Mike Miller to win last year.

Today's Best - 02.05.08

5. Super Fat Tuesday – On a day in which politicians vie for the support of their party, a celebration on Bourbon Street is signaling the beginning of a stretch of fasting and deprivation. Speaking of idiots pandering for public approval and people who could stand to shed some pounds, Roger Clemens appeared before a congressional hearing today. The Rocket gave a five-hour deposition that was not accessible by the public, all while under oath. We may never know what came of the proceedings, and it’s entirely possible that Clemens did nothing wrong. But here’s an interesting tidbit: his first name isn’t really Roger! Who knows what else he’s been lying about?4. Math – The Butler Bulldogs began their matchup against Valparaiso by allowing the Crusaders 12 unanswered points. It was an unusual strategy but it ended up paying off. AJ Graves led the way with 20 points as the Bulldogs spent 39:43 clawing their way back into the game. A kick out from Graves to Pete Campbell gave Butler their first lead of the game in the final minute. This game is a perfect example of my idea for judging games based on who leads more, rather than who leads last. Basically, it involves taking an average of the point differential every minute. By my calculations, the result should’ve been a 71.7-67.3 win for Valpo. It’s all part of my plan to make sports harder to understand and less enjoyable.

3. LeBron James – After agreeing to pay a $23 fine for driving 259 mph on his 101st birthday, James was tasked with leading his team against the Boston Celtics. Wait. It must’ve been a $101 fine for driving 23 mph on his 259th birthday. Whatever it was, it seemed to have no effect on LeBron, as he narrowly missed his fifth triple-double of the season. With Kevin Garnett sitting out his fourth straight game, LeBron scored 9 points to go with 12 rebounds and 33 assists. Also of note, every player who came off the bench for the Cavs had a first name that started with the letter “d”. Which is surprising considering they gave up 113 points.

2. Nappy-headed…uh… - First off, Epiphany Price has the coolest name I’ve ever heard. She’s also the main reason the Huskies’ 34-game home winning streak is no longer intact. The sophomore scored 27 of her career high 33 in the second half to lead the Scarlet Knights to victory over the number one team in the country. She even went on an 11-0 run against UConn, by herself. I assume she had teammates on the floor at the time, but I doubt their presence was much of a factor. This was Rutgers’ third straight game against a ranked opponent and their next game is against last year’s national champions, the Tennessee Volunteers. Who made their schedule, Don Imus? Am I right, folks?

1. Trade Rumors – Ric Bucher’s haircut reports that the Miami Heat informed the Man of Steel that he may be traded to the Suns for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. The Big Aristotle paired alongside Amare Stoudemire sounds like a terrifying frontline and the Suns are glad to unload a disgruntled Marion, but how is The Diesel supposed to mesh with the Suns style of play? They have the number four pace factor in the league, while “The Big Salary Cap Burden” gets tired opening a jar of peanut butter. People always say that Kobe never won a ring without Shaq, but keep in mind that Shaq never won a ring without Kobe or Wade. Speaking of Dwyane, trading his best friend and mentor all but assures that he won’t be resigning with the Heat when his contract is up. Congrats to Steve Kerr and Pat Riley for orchestrating a trade that ultimately hurts both teams.

Logo Rhythm

One of these symbols represents a major league baseball team and one represents a national chain of drugstores. If I didn't make that picture myself, I don't think I'd be able to tell you which is which. Walgreens was founded in 1901 with a single 20 foot x 50 foot store in Illinois, while the Nationals were founded in 1969 with a 28,500 person seating capacity stadium in Montreal. In 2004, the team was relocated to Washington and their current logo was born.

With such a longer, more storied history, I think Walgreens should take back their corporate brand. Or at least make the Walgreens' Nationals earn the right to use it. Maybe Ryan Zimmerman could volunteer on off days and sell perscription drugs. Maybe Austin Kearns could mop up the supply room. Maybe Felipe Lopez could sell condoms to embarassed teenagers. Whatever the case, it's better than watching them play baseball.

Today's Best - 02.04.08

5. contradictory journalism - on january 16th, espn.com writer bill simmons wrote an article comparing the '86 celtics to the '07 patriots. this article was published two and a half weeks before the pats would eventually play in the super bowl. when a reader confronted him two days later with the possibility of jinxing the team the sports guy responded, "If I had the power to alter the outcome of football seasons, I would have moved to Vegas years ago". then, in his article today, he talks about how a birthday present for his father ended up being a "significantly more blatant jinx". i'm sure you could find similar inaccuracies if you read through my archives, but then you wouldn't be reading an insufferable boston fan. where's the fun in that?

4. retired swingmen - latrell sprewell and glen rice have more in common than meets the eye. they both played 12+ seasons in the nba, including stints with the new york knicks. the both led the league in minutes played over the course of a season and they both had a career scoring average of 18.3 points. and now, their legal matters are shockingly similar, too. an assault case against sprewell was dropped, who was accused of beating his girlfriend. rice had battery charges dropped after a man who rice found at his estranged wife's house chose not to pursue the case. even years after their prime, these two are impossible to contain.

3. symmetry - the parallels on the legal court extended to the basketball court, as well. the magic and mavs faced off last night with dallas getting a 107-98 win. but the real story was the matchup between josh howard and dwight howard. they each finished with exactly 28 points, 7 rebound and 3 assists. as if that wasn't enough, they both finished with the same last name! i started to look into the last time something like this happened, but i have no idea how to find this information. therefore i have to assume that it's the first time in history. until someone proves me wrong, i'm sticking to my guns. reports indicate that dwight and josh celebrated the occasion by auditioning for a doublemint gum commercial.

2. the west coast conference - while most of these teams won't make it to the big dance, the eight teams got together and had a small sock hop last night. san diego withstood a furious comeback by pepperdine to extend their league record to 6-1 in a 61-58 victory. in a battle of two of the bottom feeders, the loyola marymount dons defeated by san francisco lions by five. by holding the pilots under 33% shooting, the santa clara broncos were able to defeat portland 52-50. but the game of the night was a 89-85 overtime victory by the st. mary gaels over gonzaga. what appeared to be a blown call in overtime gave st. mary's an extra possession, which resulted in a three by todd golden. if this night was an indication of the season yet to come, college basketball is going to involve me jumping on my coach more than usual. plus, the announcers in this conference are hilarious. when stephen bardo asked "what should you do when the threes aren't falling?", terry gannon responded, "that's easy, keep shooting".

1. kids who don’t want to get yelled at – this won a coin flip with ‘reporters who don’t like funny press conferences’ and ‘chairs that don’t like getting thrown on basketball courts’. robert montgomery knight and his 902 career victories packed up and left lubbock, texas when he announced his retirement. knight's son, pat, will take over as head coach of the red raiders. for someone as passionate about basketball as bobby k., i found it very surprising that he would make this announcement mid-season. especially with his team making a push for the tournament. anyone who has a top ten devoted to their press conferences will be sorely missed by this website.

Today's Best Super Bowl Ads

5. plagiarism - in a scene reminiscent of "the godfather", a man awakes to find the front end of his car cut off and put in his bed. he screams and for some reason, this is supposed to make me want to buy an audi. i guess because my current car isn't maniacal enough. as if ripping off the godfather isn't bad enough, this joke has already been done on "arrested development" (which i'm delighted to hear may be getting turned into a movie). in the season three episode 'notapussy', gob put the handlebars of michael's bike in his bed out of jealously of michael's relationship with steve holt. rather than criticize audi for their oversight, i'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume this was an homage to arrested. for their next commercial, they should show someone driving and getting passed by an audi. as the driver stares at the audi wistfully, he says, "i've made a huge mistake".

4. donkey lips - "salute your shorts" was one of many tv shows that defined my childhood. the hijinks at camp anawana routinely kept me entertained and made me wish my parents sent me to camp. now that i know michael bower is a practicing scientologist who is able to jump start cars with his nipples, i'm glad i stayed at home in the summer. between this commercial and "grandma's boy", salt-n-pepa's "push it" is making a comeback in a big way. i'm a big redbull drinker and recently i've been considering trying one of the many other energy drinks available. thanks to amp's assertion that their beverage actually makes consumers conduct electricity, they will not be involved in my market research. i'd rather be on the recieving end of an awful waffle.

3. charles barkley - the round mound of rebound has been a commercial superstar ever since he told parents he was not a role model. but if my kids turn out to be anything like the chuckster, i'll count my blessings. in a commercial in which dwyane wade finally got into barkley's fave five, the heat guard was mercilessly annoyed at all hours of the day. aside from barkley saying things like "that story never gets old" and "you ain't going' through no tunnel", the ad showed us why charles' waistline has grown over the past years: the man has two refrigerators. frankly i'm surprised that food survives in barkley's house long enough for a second unit to be required. i just assumed barkley was fed via conveyor belt.

2. totalitarianism - in what was easily one of the creepiest ads of the day, under armour showed us why it's important to work out all the time. you never know when you might get trapped in a city full of weird obstacles and exercise equipment that you have to navigate. the sporting apparel manufacturer showcased their "the future is ours" campaign in a commercial that was eerily reminiscent of "dark city". if that really is the case, does anyone want to buy my shares of the future? i've decided to invest in a present-heavy portfolio.

1. racism - taco bell promoting their fiesta platter with a mariachi band is not too bad. carlos mencia helping foreigners pick up women in a bar isn't cause for alarm. but the ad wizards at salesgenie.com have lost their minds. they had a a commercial with a guy named ramesh who had a crazy last name, weird accent, seven kids, and a wife dressed in traditional indian garb. as if that wasn't enough, they later showed two pandas who ran a bamboo furniture store, one of which was named lingling. needless to say, they had chinese accents. i was half expecting to see a jive-talking raccoon who was having trouble with his watermelon business. i don't understand how commercials like this get the green light while danica patrick is forced off the airwaves.

Today's Non-Super Bowl Best - 02.03.08

5. brad miller - for some reason the kings have won seven of their last nine games, including the last four in a row, when by all accounts they should have been losing to improve their draft position. it appears sacramento fans have brad miller to thank. in the last three games, miller has scored 22 points in each and also contributed two games of 20 or more rebounds. anyways, as adorable as this recent stretch has been, the kings still have a long hill to climb to join the top 10 west teams as they currently sit 4.5 games behind the rockets. interestingly, they're seven games ahead of the 12th ranked clippers which means they also have a long hill to fall down to join the group of bad teams. hopefully this convinces the kings to finally trade ron artest and mike bibby for jack and jill.

4. the knicks - this weekend the knicks lost to the blazers and the sonics, two games they were leading late in the fourth. new york has now lost five straight, but have been competitive in each game. or at least competitive enough to convince david stern they haven't started tanking yet. anyways, more important than almost winning to me is elbowing sahsa vujacic in the face, which renaldo balkman accomplished in their game against the lakers last week. balkmen was retroactively assessed a flagrant foul and suspended a game. then he was sent numerous pieces of fan mail from me.

3. tiger woods - tiger woods birdied five of the last seven holes in the dubai desert classic to erase ernie els' four shot lead coming into the final round. tiger's won his first two events this year and is looks poised to win the rest of his events for the rest of the years. i'd say something more insightful about this, but unfortunately i've only seen highlights. plus i waited over an hour through super bowl coverage before sportscenter showed these highlights. and then when they finally did, for some reason emmitt smith and sean salisbury were talking over them, saying things like "tiger woooods!" and "solid striker of the golf ball". it was the single worst thing that's ever happened in the world.

2. gasol-less grizzlies - when the pau gasol trade was first announced, i couldn't decide whether the grizzlies were real smart or real dumb. on one hand, this trade means they're smartly building their franchise around rudy gay. on the other hand, this trade means kwame brown is now on their roster. how bad were the other offers for gasol that memphis took one where kwame brown was involved? every other proposal must have centered around 2nd round draft picks and ebola virii. thankfully though, kwame's contract expires at the end of the year and by then, memphis is likely to have the inside track on the 1st pick in the draft which will almost certainly be used on michael beasley. and once the grizzlies pair rudy and beasley in the same frontcourt, the world will end. or more likely continue, with rudy gay and beasley dunking all over the place.

1. gasol-less lakers - since acquiring pau gasol the lakers have won the last two games against the raptors and wizards by an average of sixteen points. kobe has been unstoppable while the newly acquired gasol has been very stoppable, mainly because he hasn't yet suited up for a game. pau is expected to make his laker debut this tuesday in new jersey. i'm curious to see how long it will take the lakers to get accustomed to playing with gasol. but i'm equally as curious to see how long it takes for the lakers to get accustomed to playing without kwame brown. specifically how they adjust to not having to chase after long rebounds from missed dunks or having to tie their starting center's shoes because he doesn't know how to tie them himself.

I Just Lost $100

when david tyree caught a touchdown in the fourth quarter to give the giants the lead over the patriots, i was positive that new england was going to win the game. i turned to my friend and said "i'll bet you the pats win this game, straight up. as much money as you want." we decided $100 was a good enough figure and i started planning what i was going to do with my winnings. spending it on a johan santana jersey was my first thought. then i thought about some of the other jerseys i've bought: grant hill, ken griffey jr., dwyane wade. rather than risk causing santana's rotator cuff exploding, i thought the better of it. i wasn't even excited when moss caught a slant from brady with four minutes to go. i knew it was going to happen.

but a funny thing happened. on a play where the pats line had eli manning in their grasps for what seemed like an eternity, eli wriggled away and heaved a bomb to tyree. he skyed and caught the ball with rodney harrison ripping at his arms. tyree had to pin the ball against his helmet as he was adjusting in midair. his freaking helmet. a third down conversion and a lob to plaxico burress gave the giants the lead.

with thirty-five seconds left, brady and co. were going to win the game. there was no other outcome. i couldn't live in a world where mercury morris was right. when time elapsed with the pats still trailing, i was in shock. the perfect season was no longer perfect, the flawless quarterback was finally flawed, and the organization that rewrote the history books was history. the giants stood victorious and i still have no explanation for what i saw. and as much as i hated the patriots before this game began, i'm amazed i'm able to hate them even more. bill belichick owes me a ben franklin.

congrats to the giants, but seriously brady, just win the game.

What's in a Name?

He just signed the ninth most lucrative contract in sports history, the largest ever for a pitcher. He single-handedly changed the balance of power in the National League. He throws an off-season party called “El Cy Youngazo” in his hometown of Tovar, Venezuela. He is making more money per year than any baseball player not named A-Rod ever has. He has turned the Mets’ most glaring weakness into a strength. And he can hit. But for all the accolades and accomplishments Johan Santana has garnered, there remains an area in which he is sorely lacking: he needs a nickname. So here’s a rundown of some of the names I went through, along with my official submission for Johan’s new moniker.

6. Santana Claus – I’d be more enamored with this name if the baseball season spanned Christmastime. But if that were the case, pitchers would be able to throw snowballs instead of fastballs. Beanings would be less exciting.

5. Johannah Montana – The only downside to this one is that the stands would be packed with 13-year-old girls. It could be worse; “Zoe-han 101” gives the impression that the team promotes teen pregnancy.

4. Johannibal the cannibal – Because he’s going to eat the NL East alive. The Mets should go full bore and wheel him on to the mound in restraints and a mouth guard.

3. banana fana Santana – Can you imagine Shea Stadium (and next year, CitiField) rocking to the sounds of ‘The Name Game’? Shirley Ellis must’ve had Johan in mind when she wrote this.

2. Johan my brohan – Dude! Johan is like, so gnarly! His pitchin’ is bitchin’! He’s gonna make the rest of the league look hella lame! Hang ten! Totally tubular! I’m stoked!

1. Santanimaniacs – This one makes the most sense because Johan is zany to the max. It could also be a good description of the fanatics in the stands. And anything that bridges my love of baseball with my love of early-90s cartoons is a good idea. Helloooo, nurse!

Pau!

The big news in the NBA is that the Lakers acquired Pau Gasol. Most analysts would focus on how this deal changes LA's offense and makes them a legitimate championship contender. Then again, most analysts are much smarter than me and don't analyze trades based on the relative filth of the constituents' beards. With additional first round picks in 2008 and 2010, and the cap space their deals earned them, the Grizzlies have set themselves up to contend in the coming years. There are a couple interesting points about this trade, including Memphis getting back Gasol's younger brother, Marc. And in addition to Kwame Brown, Memphis acquired Jason Collins in a seperate deal, in an effort to corner the market on horrible big men. They can round out their monopoly if they are able to add Adonal Foyle.

What I found most interesting about this trade was the involvement of Aaron McKie. The Lakers signed Aaron on Friday to include him in the deal for salary cap purposes. McKie was sort of retired from the NBA, and was volunteering as an assistant coach to the 76ers. Memphis is expected to immediately release McKie and make him free to resume coaching. I don’t know how much his contract is worth, but the GM for the Sixers called it “a substantial amount of money”. So Aaron McKie was handed a bag of money and didn’t have to do anything for it. What’s so special about him that he was offered this contract? Doesn’t this qualify as money laundering? What’s to stop NBA teams from doing this sort of thing with random people off the street? I’d like to go on record and say that if any NBA team needs any assistance to make a trade financially viable, I am here to help. Here’s a trade proposal that makes sense for everyone: The Wizards get Dwyane Wade, the Heat get Etan Thomas, and I get $7 million. With that kind of cash, I’d be able to build hotels right away.

The Johan Santana Clause

if we ran a legitimate website, the above graphic is what would have been used to announce the johan santana trade. but since we don't, i guess it's going to waste. anyways, since the johan santana deal is finally complete, i thought now would be a good time to finally discuss it especially since i've had a few days to let the trade sink in. unfortunately, one of the drawbacks of letting things sink in because you're actually just too lazy to write about it then is that everyone has said what you want to say before you can. there aren't too many novel ways to talk about how much i like this trade for the mets and how glad i am that the white sox won't face santana more than once every few years. so i've decided that instead of talking about the trade itself, i'm going to talk about the clever headlines and graphics that other websites came up with to announce it.

cbs sportsline:

if cbs thinks they can fool me by shameless promoting one of their most popular shows into the news, they have another thing coming. and that thing is outrage. i don't care that the headline fits almost perfectly or that even that king of queens isn't on tv any more, it's completely unethical. the only way this could have made me more angry was if it cbs had used "how i mets your-han santana" or "new york adventures of old johan santana" or "new king of queens to the mets, and also to dvd shelves at your local best buy".

cnnsi:

as the definitive sports magazine, i guess sports illustrated doesn't think they need to sensationalize their news by using puns or even alitteration in its headlines to draw viewers. they are more than content to just let the news speak for itself. which is strange considering if news actually spoke for itself, we wouldn't need the emotionless robots at sports illustrated at all.

espn:

i think this headline works because it's very simple and seems to get the point across in not so many words. which is the opposite of how i usually operate.

fox sports:

surprisingly, fox didn't go the cbs route by trying to inject advertisements for their shows into my news. good for them. as a reward for displaying such admirable integrity, johan santana should go on "the moment of truth" so fox's integrity level returns to normal.

major league baseball:

bud selig runs a pretty tight ship, so it's understandable that the new york mets mlb website's take on this trade is very plain. bonus points for being the only headline i came across that described johan as an ace. unfortunately, this exercise does not involve any points whatsoever.

the new york times:

this was by far the most confusing headline for me to read. why did they feel the need to clarify that the pitching prize was johan santana, especially if they had an accompanying picture? it seems unnecessary and redundant.

the sporting news:

i like this headline because instead of talking about how well the mets did, they admonish the twins for getting such a poor return. i also like it because it read like a public service announcement along the lines of "crime doesn't pay" and "only you can prevent forest fires". if it was "patience doesn't pay... and knowing is half the battle" this would have easily been my favorite.

yahoo! sports:

amazin' imitation would have been just as appropriate. truthfully, i have no idea who among yahoo! or espn published their amazin'-related headline first, so it's hard to know which company has a spy in the other.

Today's Best - 01.31.08

5. jacquing up shots - yesterday the spurs returned to phoenix for the first time since last year's controversial western conference finals and squeaked out at a hard fought 84-81 victory. suns fans must have been waiting for this game all summer if only for the chance to rain boos on robert horry while voicing their displeasure over the cheap shot that may have cost their team an nba championship. unfortunately, robert horry didn't play a single minute and even more unfortunately, jacque vaughn played 30 single minutes. and in this half hour, for reasons only beknownst to him, vaughn shot the ball 15 times. not only was it only one shot fewer than tim duncan took, it was the first time since march 2005 that vaughn took that many shots. i suspect that letting vaughn shoot as much as possible was part of the suns' gameplan. because otherwise, they are much worse defensively than i ever could have imagined.

4. all-star snubs - on wednesday, al thornton responded to not getting invited to the rookie-sophomore challenge by going off for a career-high 32 points. and since the all-star reserves were announced just last night, a other few key snubs will also get their chance to prove their worth. our first glimpse of this came in the celtics-mavericks game where after one quarter, ray allen had 15 points and josh howard countered with 13 of his own. boston eventually pulled out a close victory thanks to contributions from two other all star snubs, rajon rondo, who scored the go ahead basket, and brian scalabrine, who played 16 shotless minutes. and if that's what it takes to keep scalabrine from ever shooting again, i hope he never makes an all-star team.

3. all-star subs - for some reason, when the all-star rosters are announced, i've noticed that more time is spent talking about the people who didn't make the team than is spent talking about those people who played well enough to make the team. such as chauncey billups, who's been even better than usual, or caron butler, who has become the leader of the wizards, or carlos boozer, who's very loud. and let's not forget that chris paul, david west, and byron scott are all not only more than qualified to be part of the all-star game, but will be terrific ambassadors of the host city. sure jose calderon has been playing brilliantly, but i like joe johnson. and baron davis would be a welcome addition but he would also be mercilessly booed in new orleans. also, who in the west do you take out? the list goes on and we could spend endless hours arguing about the various players that should have been invited. or we could combine those endless hours to convince david stern to let rudy gay play in the all star game.

2. kobe bryant deferring - the pistons beat the lakers on a tayshaun prince three pointer in the waning seconds, but the real story of the game was kobe bryant's continued unselfish play. kobe finished with 39 points, 10 rebounds, five assists to his teammates, and 11 assists to detroit. and just in case you were interested, here are all 11:

• Kobe Bryant lost ball (Richard Hamilton steals)
• Kobe Bryant bad pass (Richard Hamilton steals)
• Kobe Bryant bad pass (Chauncey Billups steals)
• Kobe Bryant bad pass (Jarvis Hayes steals)
• Kobe Bryant lost ball (Rasheed Wallace steals)
• Kobe Bryant bad pass (Richard Hamilton steals)
• Kobe Bryant bad pass (Amir Johnson steals)
• Kobe Bryant traveling
• Kobe Bryant bad pass (Antonio McDyess steals)
• Kobe Bryant lost ball (Arron Afflalo steals)
• Kobe Bryant bad pass (Jarvis Hayes steals)

strangely, only one of his turnovers was of the dead ball variety. the rest were picked up by seven different pistons. hopefully all these bad passes finally convince kobe that he should never pass the ball again.

1. jesus christ berman - by now this video featuring chris berman kirking out has been linked and discussed many times over across the indernet already. and since i strive to fit in, i too will mention it. here goes: uh, chris berman kirks out, t's extremely funny. plus it features pretty much everything you could want in a tantrum: screaming, obscenities, breaking the third commandment, growing frustration, and swatting imaginary flies. the only thing that could have made this better is if at some point he asked, "do you know who i am?" or "so you gonna get in the truck?" but i guess beggars can't be choosers, even though bermans can be losers.