terrell owens' life is a mess. he's breaking down at press conferences, wearing ridiculous hats around town, and rumor has it he's been roaming the streets of san diego lamenting that "milk was a bad choice". things went from bad to worse for the romosexual this week when an arbiter ruled that he owes the eagles $7700K in recouped wages for his suspension from the team in 2005. get your popcorn ready.
the new head coach at michigan faces a similar situation with his old school, west virginia. rich rodriguez offered to pay $1.5 million as a buyout, but the school is standing firm in demanding the full $4 million he is stipulated to owe. rodriguez publicly denied owing any money to wvu, but has since backed off that stance. so not only did rich ditch his responsibilities, he's also a liar. he's got it all!
in other business related news, jason kidd recently voiced his desire for a trade out of new jersey. it appears that vince carter's malcontentuous ways have started to rub off of the point guard. lebron james has expressed an interest in importing his team usa captain to the cavs, but cleveland has little to offer. the more publicized rumor has kidd going to dallas in a three-team swap involving portland. is gm rod thorn going to let this whiny kidd emancipate himself from his par-nets? the results might end up worse than "north".
i never understood how players and coaches got away with backing out of signed deals. doesn't a contract force you to fulfill your obligation for a period of time? if we all started ignoring contracts, i wouldn't make my car payments, i'd dine and dash regularly, i'd go to work without pants on, and i'd be allowed within 100 feet of certain celebrities. i'm glad philly and west virginia are holding people accountable for not honoring their word. maybe the nets will follow suit and force the third highest-paid nba player to earn his $19.7 million. poor guy.
meanwhile, eric bedard and johan santana may be on the verge of signing lucrative contracts. bedard was thought to be heading to seattle in exchange for a package centered around top prospect adam jones, but the orioles have begun discussions on a five-year contract that could approch (cue dr. evil theme music) 100 million dollars. and as the final roadblock in their fleecing of the twins, the mets must negotiate a contract extension with santana by 5 pm on friday. while the two sides still differ on the terms, sources say the extension will be six years (including options) and should be worth upwards of $120 million. 
the mets hope to keep the extension to five guaranteed years to avoid insurance complications. i know a deal will get done eventually, but the more i'm reminded that sports are a business, the more i long for the days when athletes played for the right reasons: a floozy in every city.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Contractual Obstinations
Today's Best - 01.30.08
5. peter angelos' iron fist - for some reason, i found the "report: o's options are bedard extension, trade" headline on espn really funny. other breaking news according to espn, "report: options for time of day are am, pm" and "report: options for y is consonant, sometimes vowel". seriously, what other options were in the mix for bedard? i suppose they could just let him walk at the end of the year. but still, when there are three possible outcomes, picking the two most likely does not a report make. anyways, because orioles owner peter angelos seems to be the obstacle in the way of the rumored trade that sends bedard to the mariners for adam jones which would put an end to these ridiculous and un-noteworthy reports, i'm blaming him.
4. k-state forwards - in the 263rd meeting between kansas and kansas state, the wildcats knocked off their bitter in-state rivals, 84-75, handing the jayhawks their inaugural loss of the season. mike beasley and bill walker combined for 47 points on identical 9-of-18 shooting. and though kansas shot a reasonable 48 percent they were done in by turnovers and letting state shoot 46 percent from three included a 4-of-4 mark from beyond the arc by beasley. but most impressively, this win came on the heels of beasley and walker predicting a win only a few days earlier. bill walker told reporters that "i'm not scared to say it. i'm saying we'll beat them." beasley took it a step further and added, "we're going to beat kansas at home. we're going to beat them at their house. we're going to beat them in africa. wherever we play, we're going to beat them." even the moon, michael? "especially the moon." but how will you breathe? "space suits." then how will you make baskets with so little gravity? "space suits." so how will you get to the moon? "this interview is over." 
2. the houston astros - with news that roger clemens has showed up at astros training camp, houston looks like they'll be getting quite a "boost". you can't tell, but i'm currently nudging you with my elbow so you realize how clever i think i am. but more to the "point", since the astros already have to deal with miguel tejada, their newly acquired shortstop/perjurer, i can't imagine clemens' presence is very welcome. and unless minicamp comes back next year as maxicamp i doubt roger clemens pitching to minor leaguers really "enhanced" anything at all. i think he would have been better off keeping his "butt (that has been frequently pierced with steroid needles)" at home and spared his former team the media circus. but no one listens to me. you'd think i'd get an inch of respect. an inch.
1. ira newble - with sasha pavlovic sidelined for the last three games due to injury, ira newble has been forced into action. newble has taken to this new role and recently has been quite a pleasant surprise. a pleasant surprise in the sense that ira newble hasn't scored on the wrong basket or taken a dump in the middle of the court. in all other senses, it's been an unmitigated disaster. in three starts he's scored a total of four points and has never played for more than 16 minutes. it's almost as if he stinks. yet somehow the cavs have managed to win two of three games against western conference contenders including a tough loss to phoenix a win over the lakers at staples and last night a victory over the blazers thanks to a lebron james layup with 0.3 seconds left. unfortunately, though 0.3 seconds isn't enough time for someone to catch and shoot, it is more than enough time for ira newble to run out on the court and accidentally poke lebron james in the eye. luckily, for the cavs the blazers didn't convert and ira newble didn't ruin anything. Wednesday, January 30, 2008
New Rule: No Old Rookies Allowed
the nba announced the rosters for the annual all star weekend rookie-sophomore challenge today and i for one am very displeased. sure the sophomore team shaped up pretty well, but that's mainly because rudy gay is involved. which, by default, means i'm throwing a slice of pizza at my wall whenever he does anything. the rookie team however, is very lacking. emphasis on "very". also emphasis on "lacking". and although i didn't even say it, emphasis on "horrible" too.
obviously, my main gripe is that despite being 2nd among rookies in points per 48 minutes, nick young was not asked to participate. in fact, none of the wizards three hilarious rookies were. uh nba, dominic mcguire grabbed 10 rebounds last night and six were offensive and pecherov shoots threes all the time! when i see an exhibition game i want chuckers, dunkers, and rebounders. yet curiously, three of the best rookie chuckers, dunkers, and rebounders will watch this game from home. actually, they probably have no interest watching a rookie team that they should have been on get bum rushed so they'll probably watch something else from home during the game. if they're lucky, "demolition man" will be on.
anyways, these are not the only rookies that should be disappointed over getting snubbed. thaddeus young, jason smith, daequan cook, glen davis, and joakim noah "bilities" are all uninvited. and who do we have to blame for this? old rookies. without a doubt this is the oldest rookie team of all time. in fact, the rookie team is actually older than their sophomore opponents. it's literally the oldest thing i've ever seen. jamario moon, luis scola, and juan carlos navarro are all 27 years old. and if that weren't enough, juan carlos navarro and jamario carlos moon share the same birthday. shouldn't we let let some other days of birth in? and this is without even considering that yi jianlian and my dad share the same haircut and probably the same birthday. there have been persistent rumors by some sources that not only claim yi is as old as 26, but that yi grounded me several times for missing curfew when i was in middle school. instead of a fold up chairs, i hope the rookies' bench is just a bunch of plastic covered couches.
so why do these generation w-ers get the nod over the league's younger stars? because they've played better? they're like seven years older than their peers, of course they've played better! what's worse, they're old and they're role players, which isn't exactly a recipe for must see tv. seriously, luis scola is just going to spend the entire game setting screens and playing good help defense, jesus christ navarro is going to try to improve the team's spacing, and jamario moon is going to tap rebounds out to get the rookies additional possessions. unfortunately, these additional possessions will be spent tripping over their walkers, trash talking the sophomores about how much more expensive stamps are today, eating dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon, and dribbling the ball off their liver spots.
don't get me wrong, i like all three 27-year olds, even luis scola surprisingly. but they are too old to be in a rookie-sophomore challenge. this is supposed to be a display of up and coming talent, not an overly competitive game featuring talent that has already blossomed. besides, jamario moon is in the dunk contest, navarro could be in the three point contest, and rudy gay already stamped spalding on luis scola's and yi jianlian's face earlier this season, so it's not like any of them are hard up for exposure. so hopefully these guys come to their senses and realize that maybe it's time they quit hanging around high schools trying to pick up jv cheerleaders and just grew up. they can start by sitting out this game so nick young can play.
Today's Johan Santana - 01.29.08
5. Theo Epstein / Hank Steinbrenner - It would be easy to poke fun at the Red Sox and Yankees' management for their inability to land the best pitcher in baseball. But I'm on record as saying they made the right move. Both GMs made it clear that they would not mortgage the future to make a trade happen, by keeping Phillip Hughes and Jon Lester off the trading block. And on a certain level, I think each team was involved simply to keep Santana off the other team. 
In the current era of "spend now, worry later", kudos to Thankeo Epsteinbrenner for his restraint.
4. Fernando Martinez – The Twins held out hope that the Mets’ top prospect would be included in a deal for Johan, but instead, Fernando will flourish in Flushing. The 19-year-old has been described as a “hitting machine” and projects to be the Mets’ future left fielder. I'm still shocked that the Twins gave up the best pitcher of the last five years without getting someone with a ceiling as high as Martinez's. Of course, this is the same organization that traded AJ Pierzynski for Joe Nathan, Francisco Liriano and Boof Bonser when they had Joe Mauer waiting in the wings. So I have a right to be a little suspicious.
3. Omar Minaya - A series of questionable signings and trades have left the Mets' GM vulnerable to second guessing. But you know the old saying: "he who guesses last guesses loudest". By acquiring Santana without giving up any of his major league core, Minaya has put his team in the driver's seat for the NL East, and probably the National League as a whole. The organization seems to have learned from the Scott Kazmir debacle, and showed a great deal of patience in dealing with Twins GM Bill Smith. If I was in charge of grading off-seasons, Omar would definitely score an A++. Then I'd fail the rest of the league so they have to repeat the season. I'd be so corrupt!
2. Carlos Gomez – Thanks to a depleted outfield, Gomez was forced to serve as a backup for the major league team last year. He would have been better served getting ABs in the minors, but circumstances dictated otherwise. With Torii Hunter crashing into walls in Los Angeles (or Anaheim, I’m not sure), Gomez is poised to earn the starting position in center field. While his numbers have been less than stellar, scouts are infatuated with his speed and defense. Here’s hoping that he, Deolis Guerra, Philip Humber and Kevin Mulvey find success in the land of 10,000 lakes.
1. Johan Santana - He was going to have to pitch to Miguel Cabrera, Gary Sheffield, Magglio Ordonez, Paul Konerko, Jermaine Dye, Jim Thome, Travis Hafner and Grady Sizemore. Now he's pitching to Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins, Chipper Jones, and a big pile of trash. Along with a pitcher in place of a DH and he opportunity to hit, Santana is going to eat the National League for lunch. Pencil him in for 300 strikeouts, 25 wins, a .500 slugging percentage and hundreds of opponents reduced to tears. 
I can’t imagine any scenario that doesn’t end with Johan Santana being elected president of the world and solving world hunger. Technically, the deal is still pending a contract extension and a physical, but any excuse to run this picture of the newest Met is worth it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
My New Favorite Statistic
Personal fouls have dropped precipitously in the NBA since the 70s and 80s. Among the top 25 fouling seasons, only one has taken place post-1984: Shawn Kemp in ’99-’00. This was a unique case, as studies show Kemp weighed 300-700 pounds during this season and had great difficulty moving laterally, or in a straight line for that matter. Since then, technicals, flagrants, and ejections have become the fouls that make the highlight reels. But this showboating brand of fouling has sent the wrong message to a younger generation. Kids today care more about showing up refs and instigating trash talk, when they should be focused on hand checking and not allowing easy layups. Part of the blame must fall on Sportscenter, which made Dennis Rodman and Rasheed Wallace household names. Their focus on the spectacular does a huge disservice to journeyman foulers like Charles Oakley, Otis Thorpe and Buck Williams. In honor of these visionaries, it’s time to showcase an oft-neglected number: fouls per 48 minutes. Here’s a breakdown that’s sure to draw a few whistles:
- David Harrison leads the league with a mind-numbing 11.9 PF48. This means if David Harrison played a full game he would foul out right after halftime, go to the locker room, disguise himself as “Harry Davidson”, and almost foul out again.
- Among the lowest PF48 in the league are Pau Gasol, Chris Paul, Andre Iguodala and Antawn Jamison (all sub-3.0). The worst PF48 in the league belongs to so-called MVP-candidate LeBron James. Afraid to get sweat on your dress, Ms. James?
- Among All-Star starters, Yao Ming and Carmelo Anthony are tied for highest PF48 at 4.2. This gives them the early edge in the inaugural All-Star Personal Foul Contest presented by Under Armor.
- The highest PF48 per inch (height) is 0.08 by Boston’s Tony Allen, who is 24th in the league (6.1). At this rate, he would have to be twelve and a half feet tall to lead the league.
- The Collins twins, Jason and Jarron rank fifth and sixth in the league (7.7 and 7.6). I never saw them play at Stanford, but I imagine their games were routinely forfeited. It’s hard to play a game when two seven-footers are intentionally fouling before the ball can cross half court.
- The top 20 include two former number 1 overall picks: Shaq (#14, 6.8) and Andrea Bargnani (#18, 6.3). I’m sure war rooms were buzzing about this fact when making their picks.
- Nazr Mohammed (#10, 7.0) is the highest ranked player who has been traded this season. Apparently, Deeee-troooit bas-ket-baaaaaal! doesn’t put a high emphasis on foooouls peeeer four-tee eiiiiiiight!
- Mickael Pietrus (#8, 7.4) is the highest ranked foreign player. Between him and Zinedine Zidane, French athletes are tearing down stereotypes of their country’s pansyhood.
- Among rookies, Sean Williams (#12, 7.0) is the highest ranked player. Upset with his current standing, Williams has petitioned the league to make smoking weed on the court / bench / locker room a personal foul. Expect his numbers to skyrocket.
- With 5.1 PF48 (#59), a flagrant, three technicals and an ejection, Troy Murphy is my early leader for Most Versatile Fouler (MVF). Other candidates:
- Matt Barnes (#41, 5.5 PF48, 3 flagrant, 4 tech)
- Kenyon Martin (#59, 5.1 PF48, 1 flagrant, 6 tech)
- Andray Blatche (#2, 8.5 PF48, 1 flagrant, 2 tech)
- Kendrick Perkins (#28, 5.9 PF48, 8 tech)
‘Adjustments’: Synonym for ‘Steroids’
The biggest name the Mitchell Report included was that of Roger Clemens, and like most other players, he immediately refuted the allegations. Clemens and agent Randy Hendricks have since taken it a step further, with a 45-page report that aims to smooth over the “unusual spikes” that accusers point to as signs of performance enhancers. The document is careful not to mention the words “steroid”, “drug”, or “syringe in the fanny”, but rather provides an analysis of Clemens’ career and compares it to other pitchers to show that his career was not that out of the ordinary. The similarity between his numbers and those of Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson and Nolan Ryan suggest that Clemens numbers were legit.The report ends with the conclusion that “Clemens was able to maintain a high quality of pitching by continuing to work on his technique and adjusting his style”. That sounds all well and good, but let’s read between the lines (make callous accusations):
1. “maintain a high quality” - So Roger Clemens admits to being high while pitching? While marijuana isn’t a performance enhancing drug, it is still a banned substance. And it does explain why he got a little chubby in his later years.2. “work on his technique” - What technique are they talking about? Since the report doesn’t specifically say ‘pitching technique’, I have to assume Clemens worked on his steroid-taking technique.
3. “adjusting his style” - I’m not sure why they mentioned that Clemens bought a bunch of fancy new clothes, but it has no bearing on the subject at hand.
Statistics can be skewed to portray any point the author wants, 87% of Americans know that. But unless someone can provide factual evidence that shows what happened or did not happen, the cloud of uncertainty remains. Turning my attention to Randy Hendricks, I found it interesting that last year, he only wrote a 13-page report. How did he get 32 pages stronger in one season?Methinks there’s villainy afoot!
Today's Best - 01.28.08
5. sober connecticut huskies - last night, connecticut guards jerome dyson and doug wiggins missed their second consecutive game due to a team imposed suspension after the two players were caught by campus police officers with alcohol and then caught existing for less than 21 years. yet without one of their starting guards and key back ups, uconn topped louisville 69-67, a game after a 68-63 upset victory in indiana. next up for the huskies is a couple of tough games against 21st ranked pitt and a game in syracuse. it's unclear whether dyson or wiggins will return for either game as coach calhoun has decided to suspend them indefinitely. i don't and never will understand the big deal about college athletes getting in trouble for things normal college students do all the time. if coaches want to suspend somebody they should suspend the people at college who complained about my music being too loud or the people that didn't let me copy their homework. they're the real problem.
4. where's knoblo - the feds finally got a hold of chuck knoblauch after a few days or so on the lam. no explanation was given as to why it took so long to track him down, but i assume it had something to do with knoblauch wearing a disguise composed of glasses and a red and white striped shirt. anyways, knoblauch agreed to talk to congress before the "hearing" and as a result, congress withdrew the "subpoena" it had issued last week. hearing is listed in quotes because i have no idea what upcoming hearing they're talking about, though i assume one about steroids and chuck knoblauch. likewise, subpoena is in quotes because i have no idea what it means. i assume it's the weird hat chuck knoblauch wears.
1. the point guard market - with the news that jason kidd's agent has contacted the nets asking for him to be traded and damon stoudamire's pending buyout from the grizzlies, it seems there is a surplus of point guards looking for new teams. and this is without considering gary payton, who has been rumored to a number of teams, mike bibby, who has been attracting various suitors, and chris paul, who i want traded to the wizards right now. anyways, simply because there are so many available point guards, it seems very likely that at least one will make a significant contribution in the postseason. if i had to make an educated and obvious guess as to who will make the biggest difference, i'd have to say jason kidd. however, if i had to make a ridiculous guess as to who will make the biggest difference, i'd have to say no one after the grizzlies somehow trade for both kidd and bibby, sign gary payton, and then sign damon stoudamire immediately after buying him out.Sunday, January 27, 2008
Today's Best - 01.27.08
5. The 1996 Chicago Bulls - With Kevin Garnett out because of a strained ab muscle, the Orlando Magic took advantage and handed the Celtics their eighth loss of the season. Ray Allen tied at game at 93 on a three-pointer, but Hairdo Turkey Glue stunned Boston with a turnaround jumper over Paul Pierce at the buzzer, to give Orlando a 96-93 win. The win was bad news for anyone cheering for the Celtics to become the most winning team of all-time, as John Hollinger lists their current odds for matching the Bulls' 72-10 record at 0.3%. And if they do top the Bulls, I hope Jason Caffey starts going on talk shows and proclaiming that Boston's 73-9 record makes them the second best team of all-time.
4. Robert Jarvis - The junior for Oral Roberts scored 34 in leading his Golden Eagles over the Southern Utah Thunderbirds. Unfortunately, I don't have much more insight to this game. I'm just pulling for his team to make the NCAA tournament. Last year, my friends and I watched Oral Roberts from a sportsbook and started a chant the encouraged the team by asking for, "Oral in that ass". Aside from being the grossest thing that a group of ten guys has ever chanted, it also garnered some very mean looks from passerbys. Given the level of insanity Las Vegas usually operates at, you can imagine how much fun Oral Roberts adds.
3. LeBron James - In the marquee matchup of the day, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James' teams faced off in LA. Kobe put up huge numbers, scoring 33 to go with 12 boards and 6 assists. But thanks to stifling defense by LeBron and company, the Lakers were unable to get off a game-tying attempt and the Cavs left town with a 98-95 victory. James scored 14 fourth quarter points and notched his fifth 40 point game of the season. The game was paused during the second quarter when a leak emerged from the Staples Center roof. The team blamed it on rainstorms, but I have my own theory (Andrew Bynum's tears).
2. Tom Brady's Pedicured Foot - Rumors have swirled about the health of Tom Brady's foot after he was seen sporting a walking boot on his way to girlfriend Gisele Bundchen's apartment. Patriots fans can stop their candlelight vigils, as Brady addressed the Foxboro faithful this weekend and showed no signs of injury. The team acknowledged that Brady suffered a slight high ankle sprain, but that that the injury would not alter their gameplan. "I'm not concerned about how it's going to affect my play," Brady said. But off the field, it might require Tom to ride a Segway when visiting Brazilian supermodels. Safety first.
1. Kevin McHale - The Timberwolves GM was universally criticized for his trade that sent KG to the Celtics for a package centered around Al Jefferson. But with Garnett scoring a DNP today and Jefferson scoring a career-high 40 points and 19 boards, it looks like McHale got the last laugh. Especially when you factor in how much less crazy Al Jefferson is. Thanks to some clutch free-throw shooting, Jefferson brought his team back from a 15-point deficit to hand the Nets their ninth straight loss. With three wins in their last four games and fourteen straight losses by the Sonics, Minnesota is on the verge of climbing out of the cellar of the Northwest Division for the first time in a long while. Write this down, it might be the last time Seattle and Minnesota vie for anything over the next ten years.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Erich from CT: Dumb
well i thought sportsnation had learned its lesson, but i was wrong. because instead of asking thoughtful questions to elicit intelligent discussion during espn chats, they would apparently rather pose horribly inane questions while spewing anti-frank thomas propaganda. the latest example was the following exchange taken from keith law's most recent chat.
erich from connecticut, why don't you en-rich your life by spending the rest of it living in a cave? seriously, the only scenario where frank thomas gets his at bats cut back is if pitchers finally realize they are statistically better off walking him every plate appearance and then balking three times to let him score rather then letting him score via colossal home runs that poke holes in our ozone layer. and if that first insinuation weren't enough, to suggest the league's best player wouldn't be welcomed back on any team makes me want to run around a pool holding scissors in both hands. but since that wouldn't accomplish anything, i came up with a response that also accomplishes nothing, but doesn't result in lifeguards pulling my bloodied body out from the deep end.
in conclusion, frank thomas is the greatest. also, erich from connecticut, your dumb. not my dumb, your dumb.
Today's Best - 01.24.08
5. smush parker - i heat to keep talking about the hate... er... i hate to keep talking about heat but everytime i think it can't get worse for them, it looks like it won't and then it does. last night, miami played host to the defending champion san antonio spurs and played them tough before losing by one point. this was the fourth consecutive game where the heat were either tied or held a lead in the fourth quarter against their opponent. it was also the fifteenth consecutive game where the heat were losing after the game ended. the heat fall to 8-33 on the season and are looking for answers, something i can't provide them. unless they put stock into thier 3-10 record with smush parker as opposed to 5-23 without him. then my answer is to trade dwyane wade to the wizards before you ruin him completely.
4. wildcats out the wazzou - despite being the nation's sixth ranked team, washington state came into tucson thursday night as underdogs against an inconsistent arizona team. i've had it in for washington state since last year's march madness when i lost a bet involving one of their tournament games. and because of them, that's $10 i'll never see again. because of this, i was very pleased that arizona managed to pull off a 76-64 "upset". the wildcats were led by their star players chase budinger and jerryd bayless who scored 22 and 23 points each. after the game, budinger told reporters, "i think we can beat anyone in the country right now." upon hearing this, a bunch of reporters challenged arizona to a game. the reporters lost by 11. 
2. spiting john madden - yesterday it was announced that ethan albright, the redskins long snapper, was selected to his first pro bowl in 12 nfl seasons. this is quite an achievement considering that just last year, albright was the worst player in the league according to his 53 rating in madden '07. but one thing john madden's flawed statistical model failed to capture was ethan albright's perserverance rating of 93. because instead of walking away from football defeated with an awareness of 59, albright worked even harder. and thanks to that dedication, he joins fellow redskins chris samuels and chris cooley in hawaii where all three will pay tribute to sean taylor by wearing his number and then decking a punter.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Really?
Scouts Inc. ranked all the players in the Super Bowl this year and not surprisingly, Tom Brady and Randy Moss were numbers 1 and 2. The real shock came much further down on the list, at number 82.
Am I the only one who had no idea that Troy Brown was still in the league? Why aren't we hearing stories about how he "works so hard" or is such a "good teammate" who "does whatever is asked of him"? 
I'm glad the Patriots realized that having a really good receiver and a really good corner is better that having a mediocre receiver who also plays cornerback mediocre. Brown didn't play a down on offense or defense this year, but he did appear in one game as a punt returner. He promptly recorded a fumble. I assume that when Scouts Inc. said he could come through in a big game, they were referring to Brown not putting his shoulder pads on backward. Or not getting caught with a prostitute the night before the Super Bowl.
The Juice Part Deuce
OJ Simpson set the gold standard for the modern professional athlete. As a running back for the Buffalo Bills, he was the first player to rush for 2,000 yards in a season and made the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility. Off the field, Simpson was a movie star, appearing in "The Towering Inferno" and "The Naked Gun" trilogy. He is also remembered as the spokesperson for Hertz Rent-A-Car. As if all this wasn't enough, OJ was the centerpiece of the biggest media circus this country has ever seen: his trial for the murder of his wife and her friend. After being found guilty in a civil suit, OJ most recently ran into trouble for trying to steal sports memorabilia from a dealer in a Las Vegas hotel. Looking back on Simpson's life, it's almost as if someone got drunk and tried to make the craziest Mad Libs possible.
While a career as preposterous as Orenthal James’ will never happen again, Ovinton J'Anthony Mayo is doing his best to make his fellow OJ proud. He spent his high school career throwing the ball into the stands after dunks and pushing referees. Now a freshman at USC, Mayo has avoided negative press to this point and his play has been stellar. However, a recent report claims that Carmelo Anthony provided Mayo with courtside seats to a game against the Lakers. The NCAA rules committee is looking into whether or not this constitutes a gift and warrants a suspension. It’d be great if Carmelo found out who narced on Mayo, so he can share with the culprit his views on "snitchin'".
My disdain for OJ Mayo has been well documented, 
but even I don't think this latest infraction is a big deal. Carmelo and OJ have been friends for years and he was not acting as a representative of the Nuggets when he offered the tickets. I don't see how the NCAA could make that distinction and punish Mayo for accepting the tickets. Tim Floyd, head coach at USC, even took responsibility for the act and said he told Mayo it was permissible. Who knows, it's possible that OJ wasn't even at the game. He might spend the rest of his life looking for the real ticket acceptors and write a book titled, "If I Sat There: Confessions of the Spectator".
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Today's Best - 01.23.08
5. Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Cleveland trounced the Wizards 121-85 and the Cavaliers big man was at the center of the action. The Cavs domination became evident in the third quarter, where they outscored Washington 43-17. Mike Brown sat his starters for the majority of the fourth quarter, but not before Illmatic went ten for ten from the field and led his team with 24 points. Defensively, the Cavs turned in a great effort and the leading scorer for the Wiz was Brendan Haywood with 11. Not coincidentally, Washington has lost both games in which Haywood led the offensive attack. It's a simple fix for Eddie Jordan: don't let Haywood touch the ball. Ever.
For those of you unfamiliar with the show, the premise is former Real World and Road Rules stars competing in weird physical challenges to win prize money. And of course, there is lots of drunken screaming, fighting, and canoodling. With steroid testing such a hot topic in professional sports, I think it's time we turn our attention to reality television. Doping is the only logical explanation for how crazy CT is.
It should be noted that I censored her quote by moving my fingers one key to the right. If Dana doesn’t like Notre Dame, I know a school where she’d fit in better: Crazy Dame.Mike D'Antoni: The Everyman
since i'm simple-minded and extremely immature, it should be no surprise that i found the above picture of mike d'antoni's apparent admiration of the female form unbelievably hilarious. i imagine that as this picture was taken, d'antoni was saying something like "hubba, hubba", "...huge!", "nice rack!!" or something equally perverted. i'd call coach d'antoni a pig but he'd probably just respond, "oink, oink mama" and continue on lusting left and right. and besides, who among us can say that they've never had eyes for the occasional buxom beauty? i can't, and obviously neither can coach mike d'antoni. anyways, since i doubt d'antoni is the only coach this applies to, and also because i've found this one picture so funny, from now on when i see a picture of a coach, i'm assuming it was taken while they were in the middle of harrasing women. as such, here are some of the seedy degenrates around the league.mike danpervy - phoenix suns
pervj carlesimo - seattle supersonics
pervsiah thomas - new york knicks
stan van pervy - orlando magic
pervie jordan - washington wizards
pervery johnson - dallas mavericks
doc pervers - boston celtics
don pervson - golden state warriors
pervy sloan - utah jazz
gregg pervovich - san antonio spurs
mike dunpervy - los angeles clippers
sam pervernt - charlotte bobcats
jim o'pervy - indiana pacers
The Executioner vs. The Pride of Wales
It was announced today the Bernard Hopkins, or B-Hop as some idiots call him, will face off against the undefeated Joe Calzaghe in a light heavyweight match on April 19th in Las Vegas. The 43-year-old Hopkins last came out of retirement to defeat Winky Wright in a unanimous decision, and has been a professional boxer for almost two decades. A few more years and he’ll be closing in on Morten Andersen territory. Calzaghe’s last fight was a unanimous decision over Mikkel Kessler and he’s been the reigning WBO super middleweight champ for ten years. 
For those of you who don’t know, WBO stands for “White, British and Ornery”.
Normally, this fight wouldn’t draw my attention. I’ve seen what happens to European boxers who come to Vegas to fight a brash American (hint: Floyd Mayweather kills them). Combine that with Hopkins’ relatively slow pace and Calzaghe’s relative anonymity, and you’ve got a recipe for a fight that Gus Johnson couldn’t inject life into. But thanks to an exchange between the two boxers that took place over the weekend of Hatton’s beating, my interest has been piqued. Here’s a sample of the trash talk between these two:
Hopkins: Will you take the fight?
Calzaghe: Will you take the fight?
Hopkins: OK then, let’s fight.
Calzaghe: OK then, let’s fight.
Hopkins: I’m gonna mess up your face.
Calzaghe: Nobody’s messed up my face. 25 years of fighting and not a mark.
Hopkins: I will never let a white person beat me.
Calzaghe: If you fight me, you’ll lose.
Hopkins: I will never lose to a white person.
Calzaghe: I can’t wait to kick your ass.
First things first, I’m sure there are white people that could beat Bernard Hopkins in a fight. I don’t see how he’d be able to handle Zangief or M. Bison, for example. What about Chris Kaman? He could definitely box out Hopkins, so I assume it wouldn’t be too hard to out box him. And kudos to Calzaghe for simply repeating what Hopkins said. Sometimes the best defense is acting like a toddler. I hope he employs the same strategy in the ring and Hopkins is arrested for child abuse.
As much as I hate seeing these old fighters continually come out of retirement, a good fight is a good fight. 
And unless a promising young fighter suddenly emerges, these are two of the best the division has to offer. After a pretty great year in boxing in ’07, here’s hoping Hopkins-Calzaghe helps spark another run of memorable fights.
Scratch that. Here’s hoping someone does a spinning piledriver.
Today's Best - 01.22.08
5. early detection - yesterday, news surfaced that the tumor removed from nene's testicle about a week ago was malignant. thankfully, it was detected by doctors very early on and nene is expected to make a full recovery. but since cancer is a subject i don't joke about, here's another subject that i do: chuck knoblauch. way to get subpoenaed, you idiot.
3. tony romo's back - jerry jones confirmed yesterday that he plans on exercising a roster bonus that assures terrell owens will return for another year with the cowboys. interestingly during the press conference jones choked back tears and told reporters that blaming this news on tony romo's vacation "is really unfair... that's my teammate... that's my wide receiver..." well, that was my lame attempt of humor at t.o.'s expense. truthfully, i'm in no position to make fun of someone who cares so passionately about something that they're brought to tears. especially considering that t.o. now has 3 million reasons to be alive while i only have like the minimum reasons to liver per hour.2. centers named o'neal - with jermaine o'neal already out indefinitely with a knee injury, the o'neal clan was dealt another blow after news that shaq will miss the next two weeks with a nagging hip injury. on the bright side, the pacers have played well in jermaine's absence so far this year and even though the heat are 0-8 without shaq, they're only 8-24 with him. this not only means that they'll get fat sums of money to sit on their team's bench, their teams won't even miss them while they're gone. but if miami and indiana are looking for more people who will accept money to not ruin their team, please let them know that i am also available. and for the low price of $100 a game i'll refrain from pouring buckets of gatorade on coach riley during timeouts and spilling mustard all over the court among other conduct detrimental to the team.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
2007 Dunk Contest Preview
the dunk contest field was recently announced and it appears to be the tallest competition ever. but it's also shaping up to be one of the most exciting so i can't say that i'm not pleased. or if you dislike double negatives, i can say that i am pleased. dwight howard returns despite getting hosed last year and rudy "mayday" gay, your and my favorite nba player, gets an opportunity to convince everyone else that he's the best player in the league not named lebron james or kobe bryant or a few other names as well. sure i'd rather see nick young in there instead of defending champ gerald green, who can't find the floor in minnesota of all places. and i wouldn't complain if jamario moon, though a very competent dunker, was replaced with someone else, like rudy gay. but since i understand that nick was kind of a long shot considering he isn't widely known and also having two rudy gays in a single dunk contest would make everyone gasp so much that there wouldn't be any oxygen left afterwards, the current participants are more than acceptable. besides, rudy gay is going to win regardless of who you throw out there and it's not even going to be close.
look how many people it takes to keep rudy gay from dunking in a normal contest. you may not know this, but in a dunk contest those same players must sit helplessly on the sideline while rudy gay goes unabated to the basket. given these circumstances, i see no scenario where rudy doesn't annihilate his competition. so obviously predicting rudy gay to win isn't really going out on much of a limb. that's why i'm instead going to predict the individual dunks that he'll do en route to his inevitable dunk contest victory.
dunk #1 - rudy starts off the competition conservatively with his patented two-handed cradled reverse dunk from the three point line. four judges give him tens while another judge combines two scorecards to award rudy 11 points. it's a record score of 51.
dunk #2 - a few minutes after dwight howard's fabled kiss the rim dunk sends the crowd into a frenzy, an unimpressed rudy gay decides to use his next dunk to demonstrate how much higher he can jump. rudy takes two steps, leaps up, and takes the rim out on a date. they watch "p.s., i love you" and eat at a fancy restaurant all in the same jump. afterwards, rudy gay dunks it and quits it. the judges give the dunk a perfect 50 while "p.s., i love you" receives decidedly mixed reviews.
dunk #3 - rudy retreats all the way into the backcourt to get a full head of steam for his 3rd dunk. he sprints the length of the court, jumps from a few steps behind the free throw line, and throws down a violent dunk on luis scola who was minding his own business on a practice court in houston about 300 miles away. back in new orleans, rudy gets another perfect score.
dunk #4 - with victory all but assured, rudy does a standard 720 windmill where he dunks after spinning completely around twice while jumping over an actual windmill. the resulting energy collected from the windmill is estimated to be able to power the earth for another 5-7 years after the sun burns out. rudy gay is awarded the slam dunk contest trophy and a nobel peace prize.
hopefully, the nba has a plan to inject some suspense back into this year's all star festivities since it's pretty much a wrap on the old dunk contest. my suggestion? let rudy gay enter the 3-point contest and race dick bavetta so we he can try to capture the elusive all star triple crown. that should keep the masses entertained. or at least one unbelievably simple-minded mass.
Texas Two Step
Rematches rarely live up to the hype and this one was no exception. But the Longhorns and Cowboys put on a pretty good show last night. DJ Augustin scored Texas' final ten points and led them to a 63-61 victory over OSU. The Cowboys took a three-point lead with eight and a half minutes to play, but were held scoreless until the final minute of the game. Without Durant, Texas was expected to struggle, but the progress of Augustin and AJ Abrams has kept this team in contention. Head coach and ventriloquist dummy Rick Barnes said, "the good thing is we know we haven't peaked". I'd like to see them get better than this, if only because it would mean Kevin Durant might gain another year of eligibility.
The regular season concludes with these two teams facing off on March 9th. I'm not saying it's going to be a great game, but I'm setting my DVR just in case. Besides, they still owe me three overtimes apiece.
Antonio Daniels: Noooooo!
as yesterday's wizards-mavericks matinee was winding down, antonio daniels finally figured out who the killer was. at least i assume he did. because usually in a 15 point game with 30 seconds left i would be much more likely to smile than react as if i was watching a horror movie where the murderer was in the backseat of caron butler's car. anyways, despite caron's apparent death, for me this was the icing on the top of the cake that was a very impressive and delicious victory over dallas. so i guess if we're lucky, throughout the rest of the season, antonio daniels will make this face at the end of games at least 30 more times. i expect 28 of these instances will be after wizard wins while the remaining two are after he stubs his toe or is about to get hit by a truck.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Today's Best - 01.21.08
5. kenyon martin - because kevin and darrick martin had the night off, kenyon was responsible for representing his namesake. the nuggets forward had missed the team's previous three games due to a staph infection in his... um (cough)... buttocks. k-mart had a blue light special, scoring 16 points on 8 of 11 shooting to go with 11 rebounds. unfortunately, the lakers went on a 25-5 run spanning the third and fourth quarter that led to a 116-99 victory for la. carmelo anthony suffered an injury to his ankle that kept him out of the second half. by holding the nuggets under 100, the fans in attendance each receive a voucher for a free taco. based on the defense they played down the stretch, the lakers wanted to win those tacos by any means necessary.
4. luther head - because luther vandross and lex luthor don't play basketball, head was responsible for representing his namesake. but had mlk known that head was going to play five minutes and go 1-3 in a win over the sonics, i wonder if he would've been so zealous about his efforts. after ten straight games scoring in double figures, luther is averaging 5.5 per game since the return of tracy mcgrady. not by accident, the rockets have won their last two games, including a victory over the spurs. with their primary option back, it looks like luther will have to accept a role at the back of the bus. or more precisely, the end of the bench.
2. "lost" - in september 2004 the nhl cancelled its season, paving the way for "lost" to become the highest rated pilot episode in history. three years later with season four's premiere roughly one week away, we again won't have to deal with any distractions from the ice. sidney crosby, the man who many feel is responsible for saving the nhl, will miss an extended period of time, including this week's all-star game. thanks to a high ankle sprain, the league's leading point scorer will have plenty of time to try and decipher what 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 mean. let's hope someone makes a "power play" to keep this writers' strike from screwing up "lost".
as a corollary, a few people i know are out of their minds. thanks to perfect scores in gauntlet, the wall and assault, evan dollard went into the eliminator with a nine second head start. by the time it was over, he had obliterated the course record and finished in a blazing 1:29, a full thirty-five seconds faster than the second-best time. evan's success can be summed up by a quote from hulk hogan after his run in gauntlet: "you could be my tag team partner any day". i really hope he was talking about wrestling.Stupor Bowl
For the second year in a row, the Manning family will be well represented in the year's Super Bowl. But instead of Peyton, Danieal and Ricky Jr., Eli will be the one in charge of making Archie proud. Despite Tom Coughlin's incessant screaming, New York held on for an overtime week against Brett Favre, even though Favre had more fun than anyone else. After 10 straight road wins, the battle-tested Giants appear poised to shock the world once again and defeat the juggernaut that is New England. After their Week 17 loss,the Giants are hungry for revenge and are ready to prove to the world that they are the best in team in the NFL.
Addressing the Foxboro crowd after their victory, linebacker/greasy-haired-goofball Junior Seau said that because of the Super Bowl birth, "now we have a chance to join 'ever'". The crowd cheered, but they would have been happy as long as he didn't make homophobic remarks again. And who knows, maybe Randy Moss will hit another cop with his car down in Arizona.Today's Best - 01.20.08
5. punctuality - with miami's losing it's 12th and 13th consecutive games this weekend, it's gotten to the point where we can set our watches to miami's continued failures. and i don't know about you but i haven't been late to anything in the last two weeks. most recently, in both their last two games, miami held leads heading into the fourth quarter. on friday, the blazers outscored the heat 29-15 in the fourth and won 98-91. then to prove that wasn't a fluke, the knicks outscored the heat 23-15 in the fourth and won 88-84. thankfully for the heat, they didn't play on sunday. but as a result, i had no clue what time it was all day and walked around impossibly disoriented. i woke up at 4 pm, ate lunch, took a 2-hour nap, then woke up and ate breakfast. hopefully tomorrow when the heat host the cavs, things get back to normal so i don't accidentally get locked inside the mall again.
4. detroit pistons - apparently, deeeee-troit baaaaaa-sketball involves giving two different teams their 16th win of the season in back to back games this weekend. on friday, the kings went into detroit and won 100-93 then the following day the pistons got run out of chicago 97-81. of the pistons 12 losses this year, three have been to the bulls while two have been to the kings. luckily, they have no more games scheduled against sacramento while only having one more versus chicago for the rest of the season. unfortunately, unless the can solve the bulls, it looks like detroit's chances of tying the 97-98 bulls' record for most wins in a season are in serious jeopardy.
3. the murrland turrapins - murland handed number 1 ranked unc their first loss of the year with an 82-80 win in chapel hill. this leaves memphis and kansas as division i's only undefeated teams. while unc now joins a large group of one-loss teams and murland remains in an even bigger group of seven-loss teams. i didn't watch the game very intently so i can't give any insight into how the terror-pins were able to win other than just general good play. in fact, the main thing i'm taking away from this is an increased intense excitement for march madness. i have a feeling this year we're going to see a number 16 knock off a number 1 seed. assuming this was a bad enough loss to drop unc to a 16 seed. 
2. lawrence tynes - the giants-packers nfc championship game ended in dramatic fashion with a 47-yard overtime field goal from giants kicker lawrence tynes. after the make, giants fans mobbed their teammate and carried him out of the stadium on his shoulders. or i'm sure they would have had he not missed two previous field goals that would have made this game far less dramatic. instead the giants probably celebrated by not throwing all of tynes' clothes in the shower and not making him walk back to new york.
1. greedy nate kaeding - nate kaeding had a field day yesterday as he drilled four field goals in yesterday's afc championship game against new england. unfortunately, his individual success was at the cost of his team's as the chargers lost 21-12 to an unspectacular patriots team. if san diego could have finished any of their drives in the end zone, perhaps the outcome would have been different, especially considering the chargers forced three brady interceptions. but, they ultimately lost because they suspiciously couldn't convert when it mattered the most. i suspect this had something to do with kaeding stealing norv turner's headset on 3rd down plays and calling "60-stretch far left (yawn)".
Friday, January 18, 2008
Charlgers in Charge
as i've been minding my own business this past week, i couldn't help but notice that there had been an exponential increase in chargers jerseys being worn around as compared to other weeks. i suspect it's a result of last sunday's epic upset of the colts that leaves the norv turner-led chargers one game from the super bowl. although, it's equally likely that i just keep running into chargers players who are, for whatever reason, wearing their own jerseys out in public. but since i don't think that ladainian tomlinson bags groceries in his spare time or that shawne merriman is actually a 5-year old asian girl whose parents make her wear a helmet when she's playing on the jungle gym, i doubt this is the case.
either way, people around here are understandably excited about this week's game in new england. this is in direct contrast to two weeks ago when the chargers nearly had to blackout their first round playoff game against the titans on local tv due to not having sold out their tickets. the forecast called for a light rain which in san diego means schools are closed, canned food and bottled water is re-stocked, and windows are boarded up. as such, many residents decided they'd rather watch the game from the comforts of their homes as opposed to in person with a rain coat, umbrella, or worse, galoshes. but even so, i wouldn't describe san diegans as fair weather fans, unless you meant they generally cheer their teams on in fair weather. it's just that their priorities are a little different. given the few years i've lived here, this is how i would rank where i think the common san diegan's rooting interests lie:
- the beach
- the chargers
- surfing
- the padres
- the san diego zoo
- quang
- fish tacos
- seaworld
- reggie bush
- the white sox
anyways, the more i've talked to chargers fans, fair weather or not, the more i've been told that they, the chargers not their fans, are going to make the patriots the league's first 17-1 team and advance to the super bowl. at first i just assumed it was delusion and hysterics from overzealous fans who had just eaten spoiled fish tacos. but then i started to talk myself into it too. they've beaten the colts twice, they've won eight straight games, their defense is playing well, their running game is superior, why can't they win? oh, because the patriots have won seventeen straight, their offense is the most potent in the league, and their coach doesn't lose or give extended handshakes or wear collared shirts. well, no one said it was going to be easy, other than a few chargers fans at work who told me "it's going to be easy", but i have a feeling this game might be more competitive than i originally thought.
new england comes into the game as 14-point favorites while san diego limps in with questions surrounding the status of three of their best players. tomlinson is expected to play, but if he can't, mike'n'ike turner is a more than capable back up. rivers is probably the most questionable, having injured his knee against the colts. if he doesn't suit up, the chargers will hope billy volek can play nearly as well as he did last weekend while also finding time to taunt fans. to me, the chargers' biggest health concern is that of antonio gates, especially if volek is forced into action. gates has posed tremendous match up problems for most teams this year, and against an old and slow patriots linebacking corps he'd likely continue this success. the patriots defense can be exploited, but is san diego's offense healthy enough to do so?
if i were a die-hard chargers fan, my biggest concern is defensively trying to contain new england's nintendo-like offense. of course, if they had a game genie this would be no problem as they could just start the game with 50 points, turn offsides off, and give jamal williams infinite lives. but since performance enhancers are frowned upon, they'll have to face the patriots' frightening passing attack straight up. therefore i think the key to this game is going to be the battle in the trenches between the chargers defense and the patriots offensive line. if merriman, shaun phillips, jamal williams, luis castillo and company can generate the type of pressure we've seen in games past, it would certainly help slow down the new england offense.
unfortunately though, new england's offensive line is an impenetrable and immovable fortress that has kept king brady upright and throwing darts at his loyal subjects. well it's a metaphorical fortress, i'm pretty sure building a moat in front of your quarterback is not allowed. regrettably, i don't know enough about line play to know anything beyond "that offensive line is good" or "that offensive line is bad. me hungry". but since tom brady has not once had to wash his jersey after a game this entire season, i'm pretty sure new england's falls into the first category. of course, you probably already knew that. but did you know that in addition to being good, they're all white? all of them. not just the starters, every offensive linemen on the patriots is white. this is fascinating to me. new england is the only team in the league where this is the case. they're also the only team that hasn't lost this season. and since this is a copycat league, i'm afraid in a few years roger godell might have to implement another rooney rule for o-linemen.
all things considered, i don't share the optimism that my fellow san diegans do about this game. between injuries and the glaring fact that the patriots are a pretty good football team, things just seemed stacked in new england's favor. it also seems like the chargers have already had to overcome so much just to get here that i don't know what they have left. but like most people across the country, i'll be rooting for san diego all the same. though unlike most people across the country, i'll be rooting a little harder for the beach.
Golfweak
in a recent discussion regarding tiger woods, journalist kelly tilghman said that the only way to stop woods' dominance would be to "lynch him in a back alley". for her insensitive remark, tilghman was suspended for two weeks. tiger has known tilghman for 12 years and considers her comment innocuous. "it's a complete non-issue...there was absolutely no ill intent whatsoever." al sharpton decided that this was not enough, and demanded that she be fired. (on a side note, is al sharpton a reverend the same way that reverend run is a reverend?) but for the most part, the public outcry against her has subsided and she has been forgiven.
i assumed this story would be swept under the rug within a matter of days. but golfweek magazine has decided to fan the fires and run an image of a noose on the cover of their latest issue. dave seanor, editor of golfweek, said that while it was a controversial decision, "we thought [we] would draw attention to an issue we thought deserved some intelligent dialogue. seanor is going to have to find some other publication to have this conversation through, because he has been replaced as editor and vp of the magazine. who would've thought a noose could be considered offensive?
it's interesting to see how differently these two approached this matter. while tilghman's comment was not the smartest thing to say, it was an off-the-cuff remark that can be attributed to a poor choice of words. she immediately apologized and her misdeeds have been forgotten. seanor, on the other hand, had time to deliberate over his decision and concluded that it was ok to print a racially insensitive picture. rather than ask for forgiveness, he claimed ignorance on the matter and said he "didn't anticipate the enormity of it". ironic that the noose seanor thought would bring him acclaim ultimately lead to his downfall.
Only in America
Is this really the best picture ESPN could find of Don King? He looks like someone who just watched his dog get hit by a bus. You know it's going to be a boring fight when even Don King looks depressed. And why is Roy Jones wearing so many layers? Where is this fight taking place, Siberia? That might explain why Roy has grown a Rocky IV beard and has been screaming "Drago" for the past three months. Any why is Felix Trinidad in a light heavyweight fight? He's never fought above 160, but he's expected to handle himself at 170? Here's hoping Tito shows up to the weigh-in wearing ankle weights and a flak jacket.
I'll tell you who wins this fight before it even happens: anyone who doesn't pay $49.95 for the pay per view.
Today's Best - 01.17.08
5. indiana's one-point defense - a big ten matchup between indiana and minnesota ended with the hoosiers edging out a 65-60 victory in minneapolis. indiana's eric gordon was plagued with foul trouble all night and finished with a pedestrian 12 points and committed seven of his team's 26 turnovers. things were shaping up for the 2nd indiana loss this season, but the team rallied together and dug in and grinded out victory thanks to terrific defense, especially on golden gophers' starting center spencer tollackson. tollackson finished with 12 points thanks to a swarming hoosier defense that held him to 0-of-7 shooting from the free throw line. after the game, tollackson was quoted as saying, "i really thought we were going to win." he then added, "i'm pretty sure you're not allowed to guard players when they're shooting free throws. that was kind of unfair."
4. phoenix suns ball movement - the suns took back the west's top spot from the lakers after a 106-98 win in los angeles. steve nash, like he usually does, paced phoenix add handed out 20 assists. overall, the suns finished with 37 total assists on 42 made baskets and withstood a 4th quarter lakers rally. the game may have been decidedly different had andrew bynum played for either team. in his absence, the lakers were forced to start kwame brown for the second consecutive game. kwame missed a dunk and a couple layups while contributing seven turnovers. but it's hard to fault kwame since he was probably just really excited that cloverfield opens tomorrow and he can once and for all figure out what the deal is with this mysterious cloverfield monster. or maybe he's just really excited about the comic mischief that undoubtably ensues when queen latifah, diane keaton, and katie holmes hatch a plan to steal money in the aptly named "mad money".
3. dallas cowboys ushers - with jason garrett agreeing to remain the offensive coordinator of the cowboys for what appears to be the highest salary of any assistant coach in the nfl, the common perception is that he will sooner or later become the cowboys' next head coach. interestingly, the cowboys still have a current coach. and since it's doubtful that dallas decides to go with two head coaches, it looks like cowboys ushers will spend this offseason familiarizing themselves with where the door is since they are going to inevitably show it to wade phillips. but until then, that we're all reading too much into this and the only reason jason garrett spurned atlanta and baltimore's head coaching vacancies is because he doesn't like birds. or because he wants tony romo to set him up with ashlee simpson.
2. brian mcnamee - roger clemens' ex-trainer and steroid provider was at it again last night when he spoon fed the denver nuggets performance enhancers before their 120-109 win over utah. at least i think he did. what other explanation can there be for marcus camby blocking 11 shots and grabbing 24 rebounds on the same night linas kleiza hangs 41 on the jazz? this was the first time this season that neither iverson nor carmelo led the team in scoring and actually the first time since the iverson trade that another nugget scored 30 points. needless to say this was kleiza's career high. after the game he told reporters, "i will remember this night for the rest of my life." then he added, "you'd think i'd get an inch of respect. an inch" while in the background marcus camby played a taped conversation between him and mcnamee.
1. the worst starting backcourt in the nba - let me start off by saying that i like larry hughes. note the lack of similar statement about sasha pavlovic. anyways, the cavs have started hughes and pavlovic at guard for the last 11 games including last night's 90-88 win in san antonio. the dynamic duo chipped in eight total points on 3-of-11 shooting which is pretty much been the norm. over the last 11 games, slarrsha hughesovic has combined to average 15.2 ppg on 33.2 percent shooting from the field and 26.5 percent from three. yet despite this, the cavs are now 9-2 over this stretch while also going 11-0 against all logic.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Jason Campbell is Dope!
I went to dinner with a friend last night and afterwards, we went to the mall to mill around. My friend was lured in by some smooth-talking salesperson who tried to sell her some sort of nail polish device. In the meantime, I looked at the computers and 
monitors situated at the next kiosk. I saw a very tall man walking toward me, wearing a Redskins hoodie. As he got closer, I realized I was looking at Jason Campbell.
Before I knew it, I had stepped in front of his path and said, “hey Jason Campbell, it’s nice to meet you”. I considered trying to shake his hand or ask for an autograph, but he was holding two bowls of ice cream. “Hey, how’s it going,” he said as he continued on his way. It was an interesting encounter, but it left me with a couple questions. Was he trying to prove he plays for the Redskins? Who was the other bowl of ice cream for? Why didn’t I ask him to be my best friend?
We’re so far removed from athletes that it’s hard to envision them as actual people. So when something like this happens, it’s startling at first. But it’s pretty cool to realize that Jason Campbell is just some guy who went to Auburn, hangs out at the mall on Wednesday nights, and happens to be good at football. And he screams for ice cream.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Today's Best - 01.16.08
not a phan of the phillies' but i think it' preposterous that a neon creature that shoots his tongue at people is so beloved. another green monster around baseball resides in boston and will get a bit of a respite this year. the red sox' first two games of the year will be played in the tokyo dome and the reigning world series champs will play two exhibition games against japanese teams beforehand. if the trend holds true, maybe godzilla will attack.
3. deron washington - theoretically, deron washington could make this list everyday for the time he kicked lee melchionni in the face. or the time he jumped over greg paulus to hit a layup. pretty much anyone who has a highlight reel against duke is good enough. but last night washington's driving layup proved to be the difference maker in a 70-69 overtime thriller against the rival cavaliers. despite 34 from sean singletary, the hokies held uva scoreless for the final 3 1/2 minutes to secure their second straight one-point victory in the acc. and if you think joe and quang being uva alums doesn't have anything to do with deron's inclusion today, you must be hokie high.
1. legal woes - a restraining order has been issued against randy moss by a woman who claims the patriots star battered her. moss insists that he is innocent and that the woman is a close friend who is trying to extort money from him. meanwhile, america's favorite idiot pacman jones has been been exonerated from one of his brushes with the law. the woman who previously filed a petition to arrest jones formally withdrew the request today. not to be outdone, oj simpson made headlines when he violated the terms of his bail and was back in court today. judge jackie glass doubled his bail to a quarter million and warned that he would be heading to jail at his next infraction. in a related story, sports have been cancelled until people stop getting in trouble.Bulls-Heat, Bull sHeat
then it's your lucky day. because tonight's only nationally televised nba game is the barn-burner that is the chicago bulls visiting the miami heat. while many of you will scoff at the idea of watching a game between two dreadfully disappointing teams that have lost 50 combined games so far this season, i too will scoff. watching miami try to avoid losing their 11th consecutive game against the uninspired bulls does not sound very appealing and i'm sure most people would agree. anyways because of that, and since these seem to be all the rage nowadays, i've decided to a live-blog of tonight's bulls-heat game before it happens so that we won't have to watch it later.1st quarter:
12:00 - the heat are starting dwyane wade, jason williams, ricky davis, udonis haslem, and shaq, who is returning from injury and has missed the last eight games. the bulls are starting luol deng, chris duhon, joe smith, ben wallace, and thabo sefolosha, who is starting for the second consecutive night for a hurt hinrich.11:58 - the tip is controlled by the bulls. the bulls decide they can't keep pace in an high scoring game and hold the ball for the final shot.
11:34 - 24-second violation on the bulls.
11:15 - dwyane wade drives past chris duhon for an easy lay up. of course an easy lay up for dwyane wade involves him tumbling in the air and tossing it up towards the rim. heat take their first lead of the season.
9:04 - the bulls and heat trade turnovers for a couple of minutes. highlights include a ben wallace pass that is intercepted by daequan cook, who was sitting comfortably on the heat bench, and a jason williams backcourt violation that occurred when he forgot which basket was his.
8:24 - shaq scores his first points of the new year on either an alley oop dunk from a ricky davis pass or a put back dunk off of a ricky davis shot.7:55 - after a shot by chris duhon, the bulls are finally on the scoreboard. "heat - 4, bulls - 0" the scoreboard reads.
7:03 - luol deng wobbles his way into the lane and drains a contested jumper for the bulls first points.
7:02 - the heat call a timeout to stop the bulls momentum. mark blount, chris quinn, and dorell wright come into the game for the miami.
6:48 - playing 8-on-5, the heat score easily on a udonis haslem baseline jumper and push their lead to 4.
6:43 - the refs finally realize the heat are playing with too many players when luol deng is triple teamed twice. a technical foul is assessed to miami, but the previous basket is allowed because the scorekeeper complains that it'd take forever to fix. ben wallace misses the technical free throw.6:42 - bulls coach jim boylan yanks ben wallace for taking a technical free throw and lets ben gordon into the game.
5:07 - ben gordon makes a long three but his foot was on the line, specifically the baseline on the other side of the court. out of bounds, miami ball.
4:31 - shaq plows through joe smith, but since joe smith's feet were in the restricted circle he is called for a block. the call is indisputable since joe smith's feet are still there even though the rest of his body was detached and fell into the stands.
3:14 - thabo sefolosha's defense on dwyane wade leads to a turnover. the bulls capitalize with an easy lay up following four consecutive easy lay up misses.
2:05 - tyrus thomas blocks chris quinn's three point attempt into the other basket for three points. the bulls take a 7-6 lead.
1:44 - dwyane wade responds with a long jumper that gives the heat the lead back.
1:36 - the bulls fire up a quick three that misses in the hopes of getting a three-for-two opportunity.1:28 - the heat fire up a quick three that misses in the hopes of getting a three-for-two opportunity.
0:00 - for the last minute and a half, the heat and bulls have traded quick threes such that it has become a seven-for-six situation. no baskets are made within this time and the quarter ends with the heat clinging to a 7-6 lead.
2nd quarter:
11:44 - joakim noah makes his first appearance in the game and immediately blocks a dwyane wade shot. unfortunately, he is whistled for a lane violation since dwyane wade was shooting a free throw. wade sinks both and extends the heat lead to three.10:03 - shaq picks up fouls on three consecutive possessions, two offensive fouls and another shooting foul and sits down for the rest of the first half.
10:02 - refs ask shaq stop sitting in the middle of the court while the game is going on. shaq reluctantly moves to the heat bench.
9:45 - looking to get ricky davis more involved, dwyane wade tosses him a pass.
9:24 - ricky davis is fouled hard by joe smith after shooting on his own basket in an effort to pad his stats.9:18 - ben gordon ties the game at nine with a desperation three as the shot clock was expiring. the heat call a timeout during which coach boylan tells ben that there were 19 seconds left in the shot clock. gordon responds, "technically the shot clock is always expiring."
9:18 - the heat draw up a play after the timeout. dorrell wright forgets that the first part of the play is to inbound ball and the heat are called for a five-second violation.
8:57 - luol deng makes a jumpshot from the wing but the basket is waved off after mark blount throws it back through the rim. deng complains to the refs, "that's not a rule, you idiots".
8:50 - the refs realize that deng is right and allow the previous basket. the scorekeeper is visibly frustrated. bulls lead 11-9.
8:14 - dwyane wade drives past chris duhon for another easy score and ties the game. chris duhon sucks.
8:10 - chris duhon continues to suck.7:46 - ben gordon dribbles around the perimeter and forces a pass that wade picks off and takes it coast to coast for a dunk.
7:22 - dwyane wade steals the inbounds pass and takes it coast to coast before realizing he was already on the correct coast. he returns and makes a wild lay up.
6:57 - ben wallace goes up for a basket and is fouled hard by chris quinn. wallace shoves chris quinn and more shoving between the teams ensues. chris quinn lays on the scorer's table to avoid further involvement and is hit with a beer thrown from the stands.
6:54 - because the refs want this game to end, the clock continues to run.
6:51 - chris quinn enters the stands and approaches the person who he thinks threw the beer.
6:43 - chris quinn gets beat up by a heat fan in eight seconds.
6:30 - play finally resumes and jason williams gives the heat their biggest lead of the game thanks to a pass that is deflected into the basket. it's heat 17, bulls 11 halfway through the third.
5:12 - the bulls tie the game at 17 thanks to consecutive threes by ben gordon.
4:58 - chris duhon sucks again.
4:22 - daequan cook enters the game and drills a short jumper. then he gets a technical foul for hanging on the rim. luol deng hits the free throw. heat 18, bulls 17.3:57 - chicago's aaron gray acquires a t-shirt cannon and fires numerous t-shirts at players on the court. a security guard in the rafters with a t-shirt sniper rifle picks him off and ends the threat.
3:48 - david stern calls and tells everyone that this will be the last quarter of the game. i'm thankful because i've run out of things to say.
3:30 - udonis haslem misses a point blank shot and throws his mouthpiece in disgust. then he picks up his mouthpiece and returns it to his mouth which disgusts everyone else.3:00 - a siren goes off a second ball is thrown on the court. both balls will stay in play until one is lost out of bounds.
2:57 - multiball ends when mark blount dribbles the ball out of bounds off of his feet. fans begin to file out of the stadium.
2:53 - fans rush back to their seats as the jumbotron begins an emergency kiss cam segment. the heat extend their lead to three on a luke jackson lay up because all bulls players are waiting to see who gets kissed next.
2:01 - the kiss cam ends and the bulls' attention returns to the game where the heat have scored six unanswered points. it's heat heat 24, bulls 17.
1:12 - the bulls cap a furious rally with a joe smith dunk. heat 24, bulls 19. "that wasn't very furious at all," mike tirico observes.
0:49 - the heat milk the clock and ultimately miss an opportunity to seal the game, ben wallace rebounds and pushes the ball up to chris duhon who shoots a three from the corner. the shot sails way over the basket, where sefolosha catches it on the other corner and hits a three. the bulls are down by only two.
0:21 - dwyane wade misses a floater in the lane. the bulls collect the rebound and call timeout to set up their final play.
0:08 - ben gordon drives into the lane and misses a floater from inside the free throw line. thankfully, ben wallace is there and tips back in the miss. the bulls tie the game. at least they would have had that tip not taken them back down to 13, as per the rules of 21.0:06 - the heat salt away the game with free throws while the heat bench start chanting about "15 strong".
0:01 - with one second remaining, dwyane wade opts out of his contract.
0:00 - the horn sounds and the game ends miami 26, chicago 13. but the refs confer and decide that no one deserves to win this game and both teams are awarded losses.
Today's Best - 01.15.08
5. denver's alternative big three - last night, the nuggets dropped a game in atlanta, 104-93. the game recap mentions denver's big three while talking about carmelo, iverson, and j.r. smith. i thought this was odd considering junior smith had only played 29 minutes in the previous six games including three dnp-cd's. i guess the associated press is free to come up with any big three they want. i was much more interested in another nugget big three: anthony carter, eduardo najera, and yakhouba diawara. while the first big three combined for 84 of denver's 93 total points and two ejections, this lesser known trio comibined for zero of denver's 93 points on 0-of-14 shooting from the field. even worse, none of them nor their shooting woes were ejected. hopefully for the nuggets, this was actually an involved tribute to allen iverson, who last night passed larry bird and gary payton for 21st place on the all-time scoring list. what better to pay their respects to iverson's tremendous career point total than to not add to your own?
4. jamal crawford - joe's favorite knick went off last night and helped new york defeat washington in madison square garden, 105-93. jamal scored 29 points and made 6-of-7 from three to give the knicks consecutive wins for the first time since november. the wizards meanwhile were without backup point guard turned starter, antonio daniels, and tried their best to kill any buzz i had left from their home and home sweep of the celtics. but i definitely cursed too much during and after monday night's game to forget how great that win in boston was. besides, oleksiy pecherov jacked up six threes tonight. before i babble about the zards any further, let me commend the knicks for a standout performance. they played very well throughout the game and never stopped taking it to washington. plus, now boston is probably upset that a team they couldn't figure out this weekend, couldn't figure out the 11-win knicks.
3. marc iavaroni - in a highly anticipated matchup, by me at least, between rudy gay and lebron james, lebron scored a season-high 51 points to lead the cavs to a 132-124 overtime win. and though rudy gay scored 21 less points, he outrebounded lebron 9-to-8. so i'll call it a draw. anyways, i've run out of things to say about lebron, which is unfortunate since he appears headed for a long and successful career. thankfully, marc iavaroni is here to pick up the slack. when asked about lebron after the game, iavaroni said that "lebron is fantastic" and then added, "he's 6-foot-9, and he can see." later in the interview when he was asked about rudy gay, iavaroni told reporters "he's 6-foot-9, and he can see." then someone asked him to explain jessica alba's character in the upcoming thriller "the eye". marc iavaroni paused to gather his thoughts, and then explained "she's 6-foot-9, and she can see. also, this movie looks kind of dumb."2. inattentive baseball players - according to statistics cited at the congressional hearings on tuesday, from 2006 to 2007, the number of players in the league who took medication for attention deficit disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder rose from 28 to 103. since the percentage of baseball players who received permission to use stimulants like ritalin and adderall is about eight times greater than the normal adult population, it was hypothesized that this increase is due to the recent ban on amphetamines. and though this seems like a sensible conclusion to me, i'd rather give these players the benefit of the doubt. especially because it's much funnier to imagine a sweeping epidemic of add and adhd around the league as if it were an airborne disease. also, i remember a year or two ago, adam laroche, who actually has add, fielded a grounder for the braves and trotted so slowly to first that the runner beat him there. this opened up a six or seven run rally and he was benched the next day. hopefully with this new influx of add'd players, incidents like this become commonplace. or maybe i just want to see a runner on first try to steal third by running directly across the diamond.
1. ms. pacman - yesterday, news of the latest incident involving adam "pacman" jones, strip clubs, and arrest warrants came out with the added wrinkle of hitting women. as far as i can tell, pacman was at a strip club when he accused its managers of stealing his money and bracelet. then as the argument moved into the hallway, the victim, who was at the club because she was handling a divorce case involving pacman, was punched in the face. i don't want to get on my high horse here especially before all the facts are revealed, but as a general rule of thumb punching women is not a particularly good idea. and if you must punch women, make sure you don't punch any that are handling a divorce you're involved in. anyways, wherever she is, i'm sure ms. pacman is smiling. though if i had to guess, i imagine she's in some sort of complicated maze. and she's probably not smiling so much as she's expressionlessly opening her mouth.Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Now Hear This
At a fledgling website called ESPN.com, Jayson Stark did a live blog of baseball’s congressional hearing. I’ve long been a fan of Stark’s columns and analysis, even if life hasn’t been the same since he lost the mustache. Rather than compete with him and countless other bloggers for your attention, I’ve decided to live blog the live blogs. So here are the highest of the highlights of Bud Selig & Donald Fehr’s visit to Washington.9:47 - Richard Deitsch from SI.com reports that representatives are still mocking Mark McGwire. “as a panelist at our last baseball hearing said, we're not here to talk about the past." Big Mac’s muscular sobs can be heard from miles away.
9:49 – The New York Times said it best: “Houston, you have a problem”. The big story early on was that the Department of Justice would investigate whether or not Miguel Tejada perjured himself in his previous testimony to the committee. Not a big deal. Even if Tejada did suffer a perjury, Sam Perlozzo would still put him in the starting lineup to keep his streak intact.
9:58 – It’s clearly too early for Jayson Stark. His mixed sports metaphors are out of control. “let's hope Fehr brought a helmet and shoulder pads…he's going to be this group's designated punching bag”. At least he didn’t mention Fehr “skating” the issues, or “blocking” attempts at testing, or “bicycle kick”-ing and screaming.10:25 – From SI: “Cummings just gave a shout-out to Orioles owner Peter Angelos, who promptly reacted by trading Erik Bedard.” Hey, Deitsch! Leave the comedy to us non-credible writers!
10:49 – The Times pokes fun at Christopher Shays for referring to the 1919 Chicago Black Socks scandal as the “Chicago Blackhawks” and Rafael Palmeiro’s 3,000th hit as his “300th”. In Shayes’ defense, he’s an idiot.
10:57 – Deitsch is so bored that he’s started Googling his name.11:45 – Steve Henson, an expert at Yahoo!, reports that Roger Clemens refused to meet with George Mitchell. Probably because he was too busy buying steroids.
11:48 – Stark awards the “Most Vociferous Baseball Basher trophy” to Betty McCollum. In other news, this McCollum is getting boring.
12:46 – Tim Brown at Yahoo! points out that many players took advantage of therapeutic use exemptions to use Ritalin. Maybe David Eckstein will finally sit still.
12:47 – Stark reports that Mark Souder said to Selig and Fehr that “the leadership part is missing”. Awk-ward!12:48 – Deitsch starts criticizing Steve Phillips' moves as GM of the Mets. This guy is the greatest.
12:49 – Mark Souder broaches the possibility of testing players who have a sudden spike in production. A nice idea in theory, but what if steroid users play poorly in order to avoid testing? I wonder why no one thought of that.
(FYI, those were the four most exciting minutes of my life)
The rest of the blogs recount baseball getting scolded for not being for proactive in testing, while thanking Selig and Fehr for their candor. I
was hoping the hearing would publicly humiliate the two of them. As it turned out the person who ends up looking the worst is Tejada. Good timing on Baltimore’s part shipping him to Houston.Q: What’s the opposite of progress?
A: Congress.
Today's Best - 01.14.08
5. k-marts - the ongoing battle over the k-mart nickname continues between kevin and kenyon. since i don't really like these lazy, unimaginative nicknames or k-marts in general, i'm not particularly interested who comes out on top. though if i were, yesterday's developments would give me something to think about. kevin martin led sacramento to a 122-120 win over dallas. in his second game back from injury, he came off the bench to score 39 points on 14-of-16 shooting in only 28 minutes. not to be outdone, kenyon martin scored 12 points in a 119-116 loss to the improved bobcats. well i guess he was outdone, but reports of nene likely to miss time with an undisclosed medical situation mean kenyon will have plenty of time to present his case.
4. kobe bryant - with the news that andrew bynum will miss at least eight weeks with a knee injury, kobe bryant seemed to take it upon himself to replace bynum's production in leading the lakers to a 123-121 overtime victory in seattle. interestingly, kobe apparently thinks that andrew bynum shoots 20 times a game because in 42 minutes of play kobe shot 44 times and finished with a season-high 48 points including the game winner. anyways, if this game is any indication, over the next two months, two trends concerning the lakers will become evident. first, kwame brown will struggle to replace bynum's post offense and shot blocking. and second, kobe bryant will average 48 ppg over this stretch because he's tired of deferring.
2. chris bosh - chris bosh got a much deserved day off after a weekend where he played 99 minutes, scored 78 points, and grabbed 25 rebounds in two toronto wins. as a result of his exceptional play, on monday, he was named the eastern conference player of the week. and if chris bosh continues to follow in the footsteps of lebron james, the previous eastern conference player of the week, next week we can expect reports to surface about chris bosh speeding like a madman on a toronto highway. luckily for bosh, not only is it unlikely that canadian mounties have horses that can run 101 mph, it's unlikely they'll even want to figure out how to convert 101 mph to the metric system. 
Monday, January 14, 2008
The NBA Dunk-O-Meter
thanks in part to last week's anthony johnson dunk-fest, i've been i've had dunking on my mind. as such i've spent a considerable amount of time looking over cbs sportsline's dunk-o-meter which has kept track of the number of dunks by each player over the course of this season. here's a brief look at the current top 50.
- 296 different players have combined for 3,915 dunks so far this year. of these 3,915 dunks, only one was a rudy gay dunk on luis scola that was so vicious i couldn't eat solid food for a week.
- among the top five most frequent dunkers, shawn marion is the only player who went to college. the other four likely had a lot of ap credit coming out of high school.
- it's no surprise that dwight howard leads the league in dunks. he averages 3.5 dunks per game. he's dunked 50 times more than the next closest player and almost 100 times more than his teammates. in fact, the magic currently employ eight players who have not dunked.- david lee leads white people in nba dunks with 50. tied for last with zero is kyle korver of the utah jazz and mark of the accounting department at your job. among others.
- among the top 30 most frequent dunkers, andre iguodala has the lowest shooting percentage at 43.9 percent. either iguodala is just a bad shooter or perhaps worse, a bad dunker.
- jason maxiell and kenyon martin have dunked 46 and 45 times respectively but neither have made enough other shots to qualify for the league leader in field goal percentage.- the nine former dunk contest winners still in the league have combined for 111 dunks. josh smith is first followed by kobe and vince. nate robinson and fred jones are tied for last with only one dunk so far this year. but i'm sure after another 15 attempts nate will have finally gotten his second dunk of the year.
- the five former three point contest winners still in the league have combined for 18 dunks. dirk nowitzki is first and has more dunks than the other four combined. and though jason kapono is last with zero dunks, he's made the most three pointers this year. other than ray allen. and peja.
- zach randolph has zero dunks on the year. even though he's a prototypical below the basket player, you would think that at 6-9 he'd have accidentally got one by now. even antoine walker and antawn jamison have both dunked once this season.- royal ivey, casey jacobsen, luke jackson, eddie jones, roger mason jr, richie frahm, and yakhouba diawara have each dunked more times than shane battier, allen iverson, steve francis, luis scola, keith bogans, and nenad krstic have combined.
- unless all 21 of trevor arizas dunks came before he was traded to the los angeles, the lakers lead the league in dunks by a very healthy margin. interestingly, they also lead the league in sasha vujacic dunks with one while i lead the league in most times hating sasha vujacic with 170.
- the collins brothers and the graham brothers each have five dunks. though they are tied for first in dunks among brothers in the league, both pairs of brothers trail the hardy boys in mysteries solved and general usefulness.- the spurs are by far the least prolific dunking team. so far, they have dunked only 49 times, which is almost 30 fewer times than the second to last team. ronnie brewer has 50 dunks alone and he's only 6-7. the spurs are like 90 feet tall.
- monta ellis is 34th in the league with 32 dunks. he and louis williams are the only two players 6-3 or shorter that have dunked at least 10 times.- stoudemires have dunked 76 times, compared to zero times for stoudamires. but, stoudamires have made more threes, which damon and salim will be the first to tell you are worth more than twos.
- to this point, the average asian nba player has recorded 46 dunks. no other ethnicity is even close.
- if you want to dunk in the nba, don't be white. but if you are white, make sure you're not a point guard. according to my unofficial list of white point guards, which includes steve nash, travis diener, chris quinn, luke ridnour, dan dickau, steve blake, and kirk hinrich, none have dunked.Blade Runner
Oscar Pistorius is a South African sprinter who holds world records in three events. Growing up, he played tennis, rugby and polo. Pistorius hoped to qualify for the Beijing Olympics in the 400m dash, and his country would be well served to have him as their representative. However, the International Association of Athletics Federations, the Olympics’ governing body, has ruled that he is ineligible to compete in the Olympic Games. What’s the reasoning behind this seemingly arbitrary ruling? Oscar Pistorius doesn’t have legs.
The decision is centered around the assumption that Oscar’s artificial limbs give him an advantage over the competition. A new amendment in the IAAF’s rulebook declared a ban on "any 
technical device that incorporates springs, wheels or any other element that provides a user with an advantage”. Tests determined that Pistorius could reach the same speed as able bodied runners while expending only 75% as much energy. In addition, the returned energy from his carbon-fiber prosthetic was far greater than that of the human ankle. In the eyes of the IAAF, Oscar is somewhere between your average human being and RoboCop.
The Olympics have a terrible public perception right now. They’ve had to deal with scandal regarding performance enhancing drugs, bribery, extortion, and judging impropriety. They had an opportunity to improve their image by allowing Pistorius to compete, but instead decided to tarnish it further. What is the harm in allowing him to run? His fastest time is 46.56, which is over two seconds slower than the 25th fastest time in history. So there’s no threat of him 
winning a medal by “unfair” means. Combined with Jeremy Wariner’s pursuit of Michael Johnson’s world record, the 400m could have been the signature event of the 2008 Olympics. Instead, the race will serve as a constant reminder that life is unfair to those who are different.
Oscar was born without fibulae and had his lower legs amputated before his first birthday. This is the only life he’s ever known. Rather than drown himself in self-pity, he overcame a terrible obstacle and has become an elite performer in a physically grueling event. But the lesson the IAAF has decided to teach their kids is that those who don’t meet the norm must be rejected. The fact that Pistorius won’t be allowed to race is an absolute travesty.
The Olympics began as an event that fostered sportsmanship, honor and goodwill. I grew up cheering every time America won a gold medal and crying every time we lost. Once every four years, the pinnacle of athletic competition reminds us that sports are about more than money and fame: they’re about an indomitable will and unrelenting passion. And it breaks my heart that the Olympics have become a cold, mass-marketed spectacle that embraces bureaucracy and segregation.
Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.
David Stern is a hypocrite. While he has encouraged his referees to be more vigilant in calling travelling violations, he has allowed a much more blatant infraction: time travelling. Rather than contradict the rules of his sport, Stern has found a way to contradict the immutable laws of physics. Thanks to the first upheld protest in over twenty-five years, the Miami Heat will go back to the future to replay the final 51.9 seconds of a 117-111 overtime loss to the Atlanta Hawks that took place on December 19th. The Heat protested the game when it was discovered that Shaquille O’Neal was erroneously given his sixth personal foul. A previous call against O’Neal was charged to Udonis Haslem and the official scorer never caught his mistake. The game will conclude on March 8th, right before the teams are scheduled to play a game in Atlanta. Along with the replay, the Hawks were fined $50,000 for what Stern called “gross negligence”. I guess they were being negligent while farting.
My first question about this game was how it was going to affect gambling. It wouldn’t seem feasible to reopen all tickets on this game, so it makes sense that all action on it is closed. But is Vegas going to put a line on the remaining 51.9 seconds? What’s the over/under going to be, 7 ½? There are seemingly infinite questions this ruling has raised. Josh Smith had already fouled out, but Jason Williams was on the inactive list. Are they both ruled out of this game? If someone has a season-ending injury, does that mean they shouldn’t have been eligible for games between December 19th and March 8th? If someone was injured on December 18th and had a week-long recovery, 
should he be forced to sit out on March 8th? Are all transactions between the two “games” considered void? We already know the Hawks won, isn’t stuff like this how Biff Tannen made his fortune in Part II?
As long as the Heat are getting do-overs, we should crank the DeLorean up to 88 and stop Shaq from making “Kazaam”. And stop Mark Blount from playing basketball.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Today's Best - 01.13.08
5. january jubilation - what had been for the most part a docile college basketball season saw a few shakeups this week. six top 25 teams were upset this weekend, with washington state and vanderbilt each taking their first loss of the season. michigan state ended up being the biggest dud of the week after the sub-.500 iowa hawkeyes held them to a mere 36 points. jerryd bayless scored 33 by himself and he's only one person! hopefully the selection committee considers this and awards bayless a 4 seed in the ncaa tournament. four other ranked teams narrowly avoided upsets, winning by four points or less. the georgetown hoyas had to rely on a three by seven-footer roy hibbert to edge uconn, the second three-pointer of his career. does anyone else think it'd be cool to have an over 7-foot three-point contest? they'd be so tall!
4. defense spending - the us federal government hit a record surplus for the moth of december, but still showed a deficit over the first quarter of the fiscal year. the rise in spending is primarily due to increases in defense spending. the early returns are positive, as the new defensive-minded washington wizards held the celtics under 80 points for the first time all season in an 85-78 victory. the loss was only the fifth on the season for boston, but the second in their last three games. whether or not the team is coming down to earth after their torrid start is debatable. what is not debatable is the fact that our government should stop putting so much money into NASA and non-democratic regimes (the houston rockets and sacramento kings). promise to divert funding to wizardry: that's how you'll get my vote, presidential hopefuls.
1. phillip rivers' innards - if you were to take a cross section of phillip rivers, you'd find that his insides consist primarily of blood, organs, muscles and bones. what you would not be able to find under rivers' skin is the indianapolis colts' fans. cameras caught rivers jawing at people in the stands on several occasions. in the third quarter, rivers went into the locker room while screaming "i'll be back" and responding to boos with "i appreciate it". and when the chargers defense held on the colts' final possession, rivers celebrated by mocking fans in the front row. i guess if i just led my team to an upset victory over the reigning super bowl champs, i'd be pretty excited about it too. but i'd like to think i wouldn't be as much of a douchebag. 
Friday, January 11, 2008
Dhivy-sional Playoff Round
many columnists and bloggers make weekly football picks in an attempt to prove their knowledge of sports and gambling. i on the other hand, have no such delusions of grandeur. the reason behind the following picks is simple: i want people to realize how bad i am at picking football games. seriously, it's comical. during the wild-card week, i managed to go 3-1, which i was pleasantly surprised with. let's see how fast i can get back to sub .500.
the odds listed are caesar's most up to date. so blame them if you spot something wrong.
seahawks (+8) at packers
brett favre is my least favorite football player of all-time and he's in the running for least favorite human of all-time. for most of my life, he torched the bears and i had to suffer through him winning a super bowl in '97. the media has made him the posterboy for everything that is good about sports, while conveniently forgetting his spotted past. in his first college game, favre admits he was hungover and vomited during pre-game warmups. underage drinking? check. while the dallas cowboys' drug problems in the nineties were highly publicized, no one seems to remember that favre was addicted to vicodin. only after going to league-mandated rehab in '96 did he kick the habit. illicit drug use? check. and when michael strahan broke the record for most sacks in a season, the last one came when favre purposely allowed strahan to record a sack. point shaving? check. i'm not supporting a terrible human being like this. don't be surprised if hasselbeck and company win outright.
pick: seahawks
jacksonville (+13.5) at new england
the patriots have seemed to ease off the throttle in the past few weeks. rather than continue steamrolling opponents, they've tightened up down the stretch and have failed to cover in five of their last six games. the common train of thought is that now that the playoffs have started, the pats are going to start running up the score again. but jacksonville is a hard team to do that against. with their ball control offense and stifling defense, they aim to keep brady and his perfectly-coiffed hairdo on the sidelines. jack del rio will run fred taylor 'til his groin falls off and then run mojo drew 'til fred taylor's groin falls off. i'm not saying the jags put an end to the pats run at perfection. but i am saying the game comes down to the final drive, and an asante samuel pick seals it for the foxborians.
pick: jaguars
san diego (+8.5) at indianapolis
in 2005, the bolts came into the rca dome to face the then 13-0 colts. thanks to a late clinching touchdown run by michael turner, san diego ended tony dungy's run at perfection with a 26-17 victory. earlier this season, injuries forced peyton manning to rely on aaron moorehead and craphonso thorpe as targets. with only 17 active players on offense, manning had his worst game as a pro and threw six interceptions. indy still had a chance to win late, but adam vinatieri, the most clutch kicker of all time, was unable to convert a 29-yard field goal. with a bye week and the return of marvin harrison, it's hard to envision the charger defense putting 
up much of a fight against the colts. phillip rivers will be forced into mistakes and with his security blanket antonio gates doubtful, the speedy indy d will be able to key on tomlinson. let's just hope marlin jackson doesn't start doing merriman's sack dance.
pick: colts
new york (+7.5) at dallas
here's my theory on why i'm bad at gambling. theoretically, every game should be a coin flip. either the favorite covers the spread, or the underdog does. but maybe there's more to it than that. maybe vegas is smart enough to set lines in such a way that they entice people to choose the wrong outcome. maybe that's why i haven't heard anyone pick the cowboys in this game. people are reading too much into the last two weeks for the giants and are ignoring the facts. the patriots played a bad game on defense in week 17. the bucs made the playoffs at 9-7 in the worst division in football. there's no way terrell owens is missing a playoff game against a division rival. terry glenn is back. 
the giants are still missing their starting tight end and their center is questionable. eli manning is who we though he was. it'll be an unpopular pick in my home town, but how 'bout them cowboys?
pick: cowboys
Today's Best - 01.10.08
5. real billikens - i assume that an actual billiken, whatever it is, had a better day than its saint louis counterpart. because last night, the rick majerus led saint louis billikens scored 20 total points, setting a division i record for futility while losing to george washington by 29. they shot 14.6 percent from the field including 5.3 percent from three, seven players had as many fouls as points and the billikens leading scorer was bryce husak, a 7-footer who poured in five points. after the game, the team headed back to st louis discouraged. not surprisingly, nine players and three assistant coaches missed the flight.
4. memphis grizzlies for 47:53 - if only last night's memphis-sacramento game started seven seconds earlier, the grizzlies would have walked out with their fifth road win of the season. instead, francisco garcia hit a corner three with seven seconds to go and put the kings up one. this has pretty much been the norm for the grizzlies who have lost several games in the final seconds. against portland, travis outlaw banked in a runner at the buzzer for a one point blazers win. in a game early in the season against new orleans, david west hit a jumper with 8.3 seconds in overtime that gave the hornets their two point margin of victory. in another game against new orleans, chris paul converted a layup with 1.6 seconds left in overtime that also won the game. and if that weren't enough, against the sixers, andre iguodala hit a long jumper at the buzzer to win it. with this latest heartbreaker, the grizzlies fall to 1-8 in games decided by 3 points or less. no other team has lost more than five games by 3 points or less. on the bright side, no other team has rudy gay either.3. the man - while on the subject of rudy gay, it sure seems like the associated press is trying to pull a fast one on us. in the game recap this is how they
described the deciding play of the game: "Down 113-111, Salmons was in trouble and almost lost the ball near the top of the circle. But he found Garcia open on the baseline and the result was a 3-pointer over the outstretched hand of defender Rudy Gay with 7.9 seconds left that put the Kings ahead for the first time since late in the second quarter."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Masback that Thang Up
performance enhancers get out of control. Roger Goodell has laid down the law in the NFL, but he still has a long way to go to repair its image problem. On the other end of the spectrum is Craig Masback, CEO of USA Track & Field. Thanks to his work, the USATF was the first organization to adopt a zero-tolerance policy in regard to steroids and doping. Yet while many prominent athletes have been caught under his watch (see sidebar), the integrity of the sport still remains in question. Don’t test for steroids and people assume everyone is juicing. Test for steroids and people assume athletes are still slipping through the cracks. In the court of public perception, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.
Rather than continue dealing with this hassle, Masback has stepped down from his office and has accepted a position as director of business affairs for Nike. I think his first responsibility to is start drug testing the University of Oregon's mascot. Hopefully, Masback's successor will have the same foresight he did and continue to weed out cheaters in the sport. But unfortunately, no matter what happens, the organization with the most strictly enforced drug policy will continue to suffer because two of the last three World's Fastest Men have tested positive for steroids. Something tells me life would've been easier if we'd just turned a blind eye to this stuff.Today's Best - 01.09.08
4. the united states postal service - a game after their most impressive win of the year of the spurs, golden state's starters mailed it in against portland and lost 109-91. monta ellis was the only starter who played more than 17 minutes and also the only one who scored more than five points. all told, the five warrior starters combined for 23 points on 29 percent shooting and about $500 in postage in 85 total minutes. the blazers on the other hand, played another complete game. they opened on a 24-8 run fueled by steve blake playing like a man possessed. in just over eight minutes he had 11 points with three threes and a long two. he played so well that when nate mcmillan replaced him late in the first quarter, the portland crowd gave him a standing ovation. in the first quarter.
3. malik rose - last night the knicks played host to the rockets and after a win in chicago on tuesday, they were looking to win consecutive games for the first time since november. unfortunately, their bid for a winning streak ultimately fell short as they lost 101-92. speaking of falling short, malik rose is about a foot shorter than yao ming. this was proved at one point during the game when yao threw one down on malik rose as if malik rose was a garden gnome and yao was a person who was a foot taller than a garden gnome.2. shane battier - last night the knicks played host to the rockets and after a win in chicago on tuesday, they were looking to win consecutive games for the first time since november. unfortunately, their bid for a winning streak was ultimately rejected. speaking of rejection, shane battier tied a career high with five blocked shots last night. interestingly, three of these swats were eddy curry lay up attempts. it was like shane battier was a fly swatter and eddy curry was a fly that weighed almost 300 pounds.
1. isiah thomas - last night the knicks played host to the rockets and after a win in chicago on tuesday, they were looking to win consecutive games for the first time since november. unfortunately, their bid for a winning streak was ultimately thrown out. speaking of thrown out, isiah thomas was thrown out of last night's game after arguing with referee eric lewis. the ensuing technical gave the rockets a 78-74 lead that they never relenquished. on the bright side though, isiah thomas left the game with a +/- of -3, which was good enough for 4th best on the team. i don't even have an analogy for this.Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Anthony Johnson is on Steroids
according to this:
we live in a world where this man:
has done this:
twice this season. it makes no
anthony johnson is
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Today's Best - 01.08.08
5. ineptitude – going into their game against the heat last night, the minnesota timberwolves had four wins, half as many as their football counterparts. luckily, the miami heat were in town, so one of these “teams” was sure to bumble their way to victory. thanks in large part to rashad mccants’ 27 points and thanks in larger part to mark blount playing 36 minutes, the t-wolves sent the heat to their eighth straight loss. all five wolves starters scored in double figures while forcing miami into 18 turnovers. with word of the severity of wade’s lingering injuries and shaq’s general slowness, there appears to be no end in sight for the heat. dwyane wade went so far as to say, “we’re one of the worst teams in the league”. recipe for a sound bite in miami: take wound, add salt, rub vigorously.
4. cj watson – the former tennessee point guard made history when he became the 100th call up from the nba d-league, a true testament to the league’s success. after splitting a year between italy and greece, watson signed with the rio grande valley viper this off-season, and will now spend the next ten days with the golden state warriors. spending some time under baron davis’ wing should do the youngster some good. he’ll probably learn to grow a monstrous beard, chuck off-balance threes, and dunk over effeminate russians. despite somewhat pedestrian numbers in college, watson opened eyes by averaging 26-5-5 with the vipers. but you have to question the work ethic of any scout who was attending a game with their eyes closed. take some pride in your work, man.
3. hall of blame – goose gossage spent his first eight hall-eligible years getting turned away from cooperstown. now that he’s in, he’s wasting no time in ascending the soapbox. gossage used his newfound celebrity to take a public stance against steroid users. “if you did it, you should come clean…fess up and get on with life”. fellow candidate mark mcgwire came up roughly 280 votes short of entrance, and chances seem bleak for big mac. if he really wants to get in, it might take some “enhancement” (wink, wink). gossage joins the short list of relievers in the hall, including bruce sutter, dennis eckersley, and rollie fingers. and though he became famous as a starter, three-finger brown lead the league in saves four years straight. what? you’ve never heard or three-finger brown? maybe you know him as, “mordecai”.
2. tantrums – no sport hinges on raw emotion more so than college basketball. so when his team allowed gerald brown to score on an uncontested three, kansas coach bill self decided to take matters into his own hands. he called a timeout and then rather than coaching them on weakside rotation, proceeded to scream at them for half a minute. with tears screming down their cheeks, the jayhawks went on a 29-5 run and defeated loyola of maryland 90-60 in lawrence. in my opinion, no team has looked as dominant as kansas thus far. but bill self has a history of blowing opportunities with talented teams. maybe this is the year his luck changes. or maybe this is the year he has a conniption and is carried off the court.1. pension plans – after undergoing one of the most trying seasons a head coach has ever had to deal with, joe gibbs announced his retirement from the washington native americans. despite leading the organization to two playoff appearances during a four year stretch, gibbs’ reign was viewed as a disappointment, largely because his previous stint with the team yielded a .683 winning percentage. a highly spiritual man, gibbs’ presence may have been the principal force in keeping the team together after the murder of safety sean taylor. as a lifelong resident of the metropolitan area, i grew up hearing fables of gibbs’ greatness, and there
are plenty of stories about gibbs that will be recalled fondly for years. but i’ll just remember how much he looked like kevin bacon in “hollow man”.MLB Haul of Fame
the results of the most recent hall of fame voting were released earlier today with reliever goose gossage the only player who earned an induction. like always, there were quite a few notable players who were not elected. 
jim rice fell 16 votes short in his second to last year of eligibility. andre dawson and bert blyleven also received a healthy share of votes but ultimately missed the cut. mark mcgwire's stay in baseball purgatory is extended thanks in part to steroid use and not being here to talk about the past. and in his first year of candidacy, tim raines only gained a quarter of the votes. i don't have any vested interest in any of the other players but as a huge fan of tim raines and fair weather fan of crack, i'm hopeful he eventually gets in.
anyways, i enjoy baseball hall of fame voting because it always elicits spirited debate, prolonged arguments, and some good old-fashioned outrage. since i desperately strive to fit in, i found two things particularly distressing about this year's hall of fame voting. first, frank thomas conspicuously did not receive a single vote. and second, chuck knoblauch received a single vote. since frank thomas is still an active player, i can excuse those voters who decided not to bend the rules even for humanity's greatest baseball player. although i'm sure cooperstown would have let it slide this one time, i understand. however, the lone voter who cast a hall of fame vote for chuck knoblauch will receive no such empathy. but instead of complaining further about this farce, i decided to wait until this voter had a chance to explain themself. as such, i sent an email politely asking for the reasoning they used and the following was their insightful response.
all right, this is obviously not a real letter. i actually have no idea who voted for chuck knoblauch, but i assume it was someone who mistakenly thought it was a ballot for the 1991 american league rookie of the year and not the baseball hall of fame. because otherwise, it just makes no sense. at best, chuck knoblauch was an average baseball player over his career. and according to both the mitchell report and jason grimsley, he cheated just to be average. and despite this, somewhere there is a card carrying member of the baseball writers association of america running and writing amok who legitimately thinks chuck knoblauch is a hall of famer. unfortunately, we'll probably never know who cast this vote or what warped logic was behind it. maybe it's for the best. well, it's for the best if you like amok being run and written. i do not.
Glad-I-Watched It
When I was six years old, the world as I knew it changed. Giant superheroes went to battle against everyday men and women. I lived and died with every bone-jarring hit in powerball, every human cannonball launched, and every breakthrough conquered. These weren't just people on TV, these were sports stars. I remember facts about them as if they were on the back of a trading card. Lace was notorious for picking people off before they got to the first station in assault. Sabre bench pressed over 700 pounds. Nitro guest starred on Saved by the Bell: The College Years.
Water - Seemingly every event involves the loser being thrown into a pool of water. And in the eliminator, competitors have to swim under twenty feet of fire. Fire! I don't know if they determined this to be safer than a crash mat, or if they determined this to be more degrading. Either way it's an upgrade. I can't wait to see a gladiator slingshot into a pool in Assault.
Crush - I don't know much about mixed martial arts, but apparently they're letting girls do it now. One of the most famous female fighters is Gina Carano, who plays Crush. Aside from being one of the most dominant jousters I've ever seen, she's also the best looking of all the gladiators. Or course, that's like saying Olga Shchukina is the best looking female shot putter.
Al Kaplon - The new referee for AmGlad may look familiar to you. That's because he also presided over the finals of the American Dodgeball Association of America tournament. If you think waving a piece of yarn at Ben Stiller was difficult, imagine having to determine if Adonis Lockett deserved the additional two points because Justice went out of his zone in Gauntlet. Now if only Hogan would introduce two gladiators as "Laser" and "Blazer".Today's Best - 01.07.08
5. marcus banks - in the first of two games last night where there were more than 250 combined points scored, the suns got back on track and defeated the nuggets 137-115. looking to set the tone early, denver scored 34 first quarter points. unfortunately, the suns set their tone earlier and had outscored denver by 12 points after the first. the nuggets never really threatened after that and the only answer they had for the suns' 64.5% shooting from three was to shoot 30%. most impressive to me was much maligned marcus banks who scored 23 points in 20 minutes. all of his field goal attempts were three pointers of which he went 7 of 8. i tried in vain to figure out what the record for most three point attempts in a game without taking a two was but i couldn't find anything. therefore, i'm assuming the eight three pointers marcus banks shot without attempting a two is an nba record. likewise, i'm assuming his 23 points is also a nba record.
4. the golden state - in one of the most exciting games of the year, the warriors defeated the spurs in overtime 130-121. before last night, the spurs had won 33 consecutive games when scoring more than 100 points. but those were games that didn't involve stephen jackson and baron davis going loco in front of a frenzied oakland crowd. at one point in the fourth quarter, the warriors had five straight possessions where they scored three points, three three pointers and two three point plays. but like the spurs usually do, they managed to erase a six point deficit with 2 minutes capped by an ingenious inbounds play that gave tony parker an open look at a corner three to tie the game. generally, the spurs win games where they force overtime, but last night, captain jack took matters into his own hands and scored 12 overtime points including several giant threes. and best of all, manu ginobili got really frustrated late in the game. like so frustrated that i recorded it so i can watch it again whenver i get upset about seeing him flop around the court like a fish out of water.
3. bob sanders - yesterday bob sanders was named the 2007 nfl defensive player of the year as he led a dwight freeney-less colts defense that 
allowed the fewest points in the league. most importantly though, at 5-8, bob sanders becomes the shortest player to ever win the defensive player of the year award. he's like a real life "rudy". well, if rudy went to iowa instead of notre dame. and if rudy was actually really, really good at football instead of a turd who tries really hard because he kind of stunk. and if rudy were black and had long dreadlocks instead of a white guy with a perfectly plain haircut. i guess it's not like a "rudy" at all.
2. lesu - in the bcs championship last night, lsu defeated ohio state 38-24 and are allegedly the unquestioned best team in college football. truthfully, i'm only mentioning this because it seems like i should. and just between you and me, i actually had the game on in picture-in-picture while i watched american gladiators, so it's very likely that many of the game's details escaped me. from what i gathered, ohio state jumped out to an early 10 point lead and lsu scored the game's next 31 points on the arm of matt flynn. then out of nowhere, hellga clobbered some poor contender in gauntlet. seriously, hellga is the biggest person i've ever seen. person, not woman. anyways, congratulations to the tigers for their second bcs championship in five years. and if les miles wants to make it three championships in six years, he should turn all his recruiting attention to signing hellga to replace glenn dorsey.
1. the 49 states not named savannah - last night, the tigers of savannah state traveled to an actual state to face michael beasley and the kansas state wildcats. after 40 minutes, the game was tied, savannah state 25, michael beasley 25. unfortunately, for the tigers, beasley's teammates chipped in an additional 60 points and k-state won 85-25. in the second half, savannah state managed to score only four points, a single free throw and a single three pointer, while shooting 4.3% (1 of 23) from the field. it was an ncaa record for worst shooting percentage and fewest points in a half. it was also hilarious. on the bright side, the tigers can go home to the state of savannah knowing that if they played ohio state last night, they would have won by one and been crowned bcs champions.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Today's Best - 01.06.08
5. denver nuggets - the nuggets have won six of their last seven games including and impressive win against the spurs and also less noteworthy wins against the kings, bucks, timberwolves, and sixers. but wins are wins, so don't expect the nuggets to apologize for beating teams they're supposed to beat. if the nuggets should apologize for anything it should be for blocking so many shots. they've blocked at least 12 shots in each of their last three games, a span where they've had one player block seven shots in each game and returned 41 shots to sender as a team. yesterday, anthony carter blocked three sixer attempts. it's madness. they're blocking shots like it's some sort of party. some sort of mario party. anyways, thanks in part to this, if the season ended today, the nuggets would be the fourth seed and would have to wait like five months before their first playoff game.
4. lebron james - after three quarters of play in toronto, the cavs faced a 13 point deficit. but after four quarters of play in toronto, the cavs had a 3 point lead thanks in large part to lebron james' 24 4th quarter points. at one point in the third, i checked the game's box score and thought to myself, "the cavs stink". after the game, i realized that only most of the cavs stink. either way, i'm sure this performance has piqued bill belichick's interest. how better to run up the score on your opponents than to sign a player who is currently averaging the most fourth quarter points in the league? 3. 60 minutes come across, - as you may have heard, roger clemens was on 60 minutes yesterday proclaiming his innocence. i was ready to watch for myself after being told that it was following the chargers-titans game until i was reminded that this was "...except on the west coast". well, i have better things to do than sit around waiting for a 60 minutes interview, so instead i sat around waiting for american gladiators. but thanks to numerous articles i'vei've gotten a good idea of what he said. i especially found it interesting when he told mike wallace, "i don't know if i can defend myself. i think people - a lot of people have already made their decisions". as someone who is both a person and person who has made a decision, this really spoke to me. at this point, is there really anything he can do or say that will convince me that he didn't use steroids? short of doing time travel or saying "i've done time travel and went back in time to prevent my past self from using steroids" i doubt it.
2. football teams on bye weeks - as someone who spends his sundays throughout the football season watching football comfortably at home, i think i can relate to those players on the colts, cowboys, packers, and patriots who did the same this weekend. sure it would have been nice to have been personally involved with any of the four good wild card games this weekend. but i think everyone from those aforementioned teams will agree with me that we would have much rather taken naps and eaten potato chip crumbs from off our shirts this weekend than risk elimination from the playoffs. lastly, because i'm curious, does anyone know whether football players collect checks during playoff bye weeks? i would think they do simply because it doesn't seem fair otherwise. but what do i know, my boss has asked me to take a day off because i spilled ketchup in his cd drive much more recently than he's asked me to take day off because of my high level of performance.
1. america - with our country still at war, it's very reassuring that brave men and women remain who risk their lives fighting for us. fourteen brave men and women in fact, with names like militia and hellga and wolf. and if these gladiators, as some would call them, weren't trying to keep people from winning $100,000, who would? i guess the point i'm trying to make is that both american gladiators and the show that depicts american gladiators are awesome. however, from what i've read, i'm in the minority. anyways, let's not get into a debate about who's right and why i'm right today. let's just agree that the sooner espn's ticker includes a tab for "american gladiating" that briefly mentions things like "anonymous contestant loses to titan in assault" or "fury extends unprecedented hang tough winning streak" the better.
The Freshman Fifteen has Graduated
Of course, if it’s anything like this cartoon, it’d be pretty freaking funny. But no longer will we endorse unhealthy eating habits among the nation’s youth. We’ve come to the decision that the Freshman Fifteen Challenge must be discontinued. If only one person is inspired to improve their health, we’ll consider this decision a wise one.
Today's Best - Winter Break Edition 2
5. the wizards in games i didn't bet on or watch in person - i am apparently the biggest jinx in the world. in the two games i attended at the verizon center, the wizards lost to the bulls and hawks for no good reason. it's been nearly four years since i saw the wizards win a game in person. to make matters worse i decided to place a hefty sum on the wizards in a game against jersey. obviously they lost. of course this weekend after i ran out of money to bet, they thumped milwaukee and seattle. if i wasn't broke, i definitely would have bet that i wouldn't have any money to bet on those two games. why wouldn't i just bet on those two games? because i'm terrible at gambling.
4. baltimore ravens - brian billick may have won a superbowl some 100 years ago, but this is an age of "what have you done for me lately?" and lately, the only thing brian billick has done for me is be a horribly inept coach who mismanaged nearly every game this season including one that resulted in baltimore being the only team to lose to the dolphins this year. a now a team that won 13 games last year is watching the playoffs from home on their giant tvs. so as far as i'm concerned, ravens owner steve bisciotti was justified in canning billick. but maybe it's because billick decided to kick a field goal to send the dolphins game into overtime instead of letting mcgahee run in a td from the one-inch line that would have not only won their game but my fantasy football playoff game. good riddance.
3. rudy gay - rudy gay had a very eventful couple of weeks. in a game against the spurs where the grizzlies blew a large lead at home, rudy hit a long three with tim duncan in his face that won the game. then against the celtics, he chipped his tooth on james posey who i'm sure needed like a billion stitches afterwards. but best of all, my life size rudy gay poster finally arrived in the mail. now everyone who comes over will finally know how tall rudy gay is in real life and also how stupid i am in real life.
2. chicago white sox - unable to land any of the premier free agents, kenny williams took matters into his own hands. in december, he signed alexei ramirez the latest cuban sensation who could be a super utility player while pushing 50. then last week, the white sox sent three prospects to oakland for outfielder nick swisher. since i love nick swisher i'm not particularly concerned that the white sox have a minor league cupboard that is nearly bare. besides, with these two acquisitions, the white sox become the prohibitive favorite to make me illogically optimistic. anyways, after looking at the schedule next year, i expect them to win at least 160 games while nick swisher pitches eight no-hitters.
1. miami - at least miami has this going for them, because their sports teams are dreadful. the dolphins recently ended their season having won one of 16 games and the heat have started their season with a 8-26 record and are currently locked in the east's cellar. this means that since september, professional sports teams in miami have treated their fans to a total of nine wins. hopefully when the baseball season starts, the marlins will have a chance to add to this total. of course, since the marlins managed to trade both miguel cabrera and dontrelle willis, i think miami will be lucky if by june their city's sports teams have combined for 20 wins. seriously, the heat look awful. they've lost seven straight and in the game i watched this weekend, the five players they chose to play were chris quinn, luke jackson, earl barron, alexander johnson, and daequan cook, whose combined 2008 salary is $4.2 million. coincidentally, this is nearly the same amount of money it would cost the heat to buy $5 million worth of gumballs and then dump them all over the court. yes, they'll lose either way, but with gumballs at least their opponents will have to buy new sneakers after the game.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Today's Best - Winter Break Edition
5. Mascot-yright Infringement– Anyone who loves CapitalOne commercials as much as I do knows about the Western Kentucky Big Red. He’s the loveable, fuzzy, amorphous mascot of the Hilltoppers. Meanwhile in Italy, a loveable, fuzzy, amorphous creature named Gabibbo has become the Barney of the next generation. 
In tandem with Crossland Enterprises and a company called ADFRA, WKU began suing Gabibbo’s creator (Mediaset) for $250 million almost four years ago. A ruling came down this week that claimed the two friendly monsters were wholly separate, and that no violation had taken place. Based on a visual comparison of the two, I find the judge’s ruling very strange. Interestingly, Mediaset is owned by Silvio Berlusconi, former prime minister and current owner of A.C. Milan. So thanks to political maneuvering and backdoor kickbacks, Italian kids can delight in childish revelry while they eat their spaghetti and comb their greasy mustaches.4. Annoying Twins – Before the Bucs-Giants wild card matchup, Ronde Barber told the media that “Eli looks good at times and looks bad at times.” Somehow the Giants were able convinces themselves that Ronde was being overly critical and have used this statement as inspiration. Eli looked good at most times on Sunday and led the Giants to a 24-14 victory. In an effort to prove he is the more irritating twin, Tiki Barber promised to watch the game from the Bucs sideline while wearing a Giants cap. For someone who has spent his retirement taking jabs at his former coach and quarterback, you have to admire the loyalty displayed by Tiki. Or if you’re like me, you can just be thankful that his mother didn’t give birth to triplets.
3. The X-Men – The Atlantic-10 boast two top-25 teams this year (Rhode Island & Dayton) but the best among them might be the Xavier Musketeers. In their past three games, they have shown the ability to dominate in different fashions.
They displayed stifling defense in holding Delaware State to 26% shooting in a 65-33 throttling. They showed the ability to stop a top flight player in holding Michael Beasley to six points in a 103-77 win against Kansas State. And they demonstrated a balanced scoring attack when 10 players scored between 7 and 15 points when they defeated Virginia 108-70. After spending two years at Oklahoma, 5’7” senior Drew Lavender has emerged as the team leader, averaging over twelve points a game and maintaining an assist to turnover ratio of 3.09. To motivate his team, head coach Sean Miller has encouraged the rest of his players to play from their knees, or at least slouch a bit.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
New Year's Revolution
I know we haven’t been around much recently, largely due to the holiday break. We would have kept up with daily events during this time, but we were under the impression that the writer’s guild strike applied to us as well. We tried to support our fellow writers, but it was clear that our help was not wanted. Getting slapped and called a poser by Tina Fey was the final straw. That was so not fetch.
So instead of supporting the cause, we’re back to educate, elucidate, interrogate and infiltrate. Starting Monday, we’ll be back to our old tricks and you’ll forget the weeks you’ve spent cursing our names. Together we can make 2008 the Garbage Pointiest year ever.