Today's Best Super Bowl Ads

5. plagiarism - in a scene reminiscent of "the godfather", a man awakes to find the front end of his car cut off and put in his bed. he screams and for some reason, this is supposed to make me want to buy an audi. i guess because my current car isn't maniacal enough. as if ripping off the godfather isn't bad enough, this joke has already been done on "arrested development" (which i'm delighted to hear may be getting turned into a movie). in the season three episode 'notapussy', gob put the handlebars of michael's bike in his bed out of jealously of michael's relationship with steve holt. rather than criticize audi for their oversight, i'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume this was an homage to arrested. for their next commercial, they should show someone driving and getting passed by an audi. as the driver stares at the audi wistfully, he says, "i've made a huge mistake".

4. donkey lips - "salute your shorts" was one of many tv shows that defined my childhood. the hijinks at camp anawana routinely kept me entertained and made me wish my parents sent me to camp. now that i know michael bower is a practicing scientologist who is able to jump start cars with his nipples, i'm glad i stayed at home in the summer. between this commercial and "grandma's boy", salt-n-pepa's "push it" is making a comeback in a big way. i'm a big redbull drinker and recently i've been considering trying one of the many other energy drinks available. thanks to amp's assertion that their beverage actually makes consumers conduct electricity, they will not be involved in my market research. i'd rather be on the recieving end of an awful waffle.

3. charles barkley - the round mound of rebound has been a commercial superstar ever since he told parents he was not a role model. but if my kids turn out to be anything like the chuckster, i'll count my blessings. in a commercial in which dwyane wade finally got into barkley's fave five, the heat guard was mercilessly annoyed at all hours of the day. aside from barkley saying things like "that story never gets old" and "you ain't going' through no tunnel", the ad showed us why charles' waistline has grown over the past years: the man has two refrigerators. frankly i'm surprised that food survives in barkley's house long enough for a second unit to be required. i just assumed barkley was fed via conveyor belt.

2. totalitarianism - in what was easily one of the creepiest ads of the day, under armour showed us why it's important to work out all the time. you never know when you might get trapped in a city full of weird obstacles and exercise equipment that you have to navigate. the sporting apparel manufacturer showcased their "the future is ours" campaign in a commercial that was eerily reminiscent of "dark city". if that really is the case, does anyone want to buy my shares of the future? i've decided to invest in a present-heavy portfolio.

1. racism - taco bell promoting their fiesta platter with a mariachi band is not too bad. carlos mencia helping foreigners pick up women in a bar isn't cause for alarm. but the ad wizards at salesgenie.com have lost their minds. they had a a commercial with a guy named ramesh who had a crazy last name, weird accent, seven kids, and a wife dressed in traditional indian garb. as if that wasn't enough, they later showed two pandas who ran a bamboo furniture store, one of which was named lingling. needless to say, they had chinese accents. i was half expecting to see a jive-talking raccoon who was having trouble with his watermelon business. i don't understand how commercials like this get the green light while danica patrick is forced off the airwaves.