Today's Best - 02.25.08

5. drunken minnesotans - bryant mckinnie was charged with a felony for battery and disorderly conduct this weekend. the vikings guard tackle was "throwing punches and yelling obscenities" outside a club in miami. before you rush to judge him keep in mind that mckinnie is 6'8" and 335 pounds. how do you expect him to solve his problems, chess? meanwhile, francisco liriano finally received his us visa and his on his way to training camp. the process was held up for the twins lefty because of a dui he received before the start of his rookie season. though he's recovering for elbow surgery, this is terrible news for the al central. their game plan for dealing with liriano's slider was to have him throw it standing in santo domingo.

4. steve buckhantz - along with his broadcast partner phil chenier, the wizards announcer has had a rough season. with the wiz going 2-7 in games decided by four points or fewer, his trademark call of "dagger!" has been rare. but thanks to a step-back three at the buzzer by deshawn stevenson, wizards fans have been reminded of steve's weapon of choice. washington's win over the hornets ended a ten game losing streak in new orleans and deshawn set a career-high with 33 points. the wizards' road trip continues in houston on tuesday, the hornets play host to phoenix on wednesday, while buckhantz will be questioned about his role in a series on stabbings on thursday.

3. chubby chasers - the florida marlins will head into 2008 with the lowest payroll in all of baseball. in an effort to be consistent, the marlins are also aiming to lower their standards. while many major league teams have started using a cheer squad to keep fans entertained between innings, the marlins will employ a squad of plus-sized men, who will be known as "the manatees". the team is looking for 7 to 10 overweight men who are willing to shake their jellies like bowls full of jellies at home games. i have to question the marlins' marketing department on this one. based on the demographics of florida, they would have been better off with a dance squad that performs the charleston and the lindy hop.

2. tom gordon - the phillies reliever will go into the season as the de facto closer after brad lidge suffered an injury. after tearing the meniscus in his right knee, lidge underwent surgery and will miss 3-6 weeks. it sounds like a fairly harmless injury, but it seems like relievers are incapable of extended success nowadays. in the world of athletes, the modern day closer is kind of like the sex pistols. they have a year or two of destructive performances that leaves audiences amazed, they cobble together a third year with smoke and mirrors, and they're lucky if they can avoid overdosing on heroin. then again, maybe closers aren't like the sex pistols at all.

1. tom daley - generally speaking, a website that writes about a british 13-year-old boy is walking a thin line. but daley is a diver from plymouth who is competing for a spot on the english team in a world cup competition in beijing. facing elimination, daley scored perfect 10s from four of the judges to vault his way onto the team. the youth believes that a medal is not out of the question this year and should draw support from all over the globe. in the world of athletes, daley is kind of like hannah montana. he's a teenage prodigy, he strives to live a normal life, and he's lucky if he can avoid overdosing on heroin. then again, maybe daley is exactly like hannah montana.