Live from Daytona

as big a sports fan as i am, it's strange that there are certain sports i have absolutely no interest in. things like hockey, auto racing, and mixed martial arts are unable to keep my attention. so in an attempt to broaden my horizons, i sat down to watch the daytona 500, the biggest race in the nascar season. here's a recap of the world's longest left turn:

3:29 - darrell waltrip gives the famous starting command: "gentleman, start your engines!" what happens if danica patrick makes the jump to nascar? would we have to say gentlepeople?
3:35 - i switch to hbo to see the end of "hot shots: part deux". hilarious.
3:47 - race leader denny hamlin starts swerving wildly in an attempt to disrupt the draft. i never knew that part of nascar was acting like you're drunk.
4:07 - i get bored and start watching a show on card counting in blackjack. convince myself that i could make a million dollars on my next vegas trip.
4:12 - flip back to the race and most cars are in their first pit stop. the only thing less interesting than watching cars repeatedly drive in circles is watching cars repeatedly do nothing.
4:20 - i get bored and start playing "street fighter 2". after defeating m. bison with ken on 8-star difficulty, i try to execute a hurricane kick. unsuccessfully.
4:55 - i flip back and there's a yellow flag. a trip to espn indicates that the caution was a result of debris on the track, not a crash. even the exciting moments are dull.
5:03 - i get bored and decide to go running. somewhere along the way, i calculate that the cars were going about 28 times faster than i am. at least i don't run the risk of blowing up.
6:06 - yes! dave ragan and matt kenseth collide in the first major incident of the day. now if the race ends with someone saying "shake and bake", maybe this will be worthwhile.
6:13 - nbatv is running the 2003 all-star game. for some reason, brad miller is involved. a lot can change in five years.
6:24 - another collision. this time, pole sitter jimmie johnson spins out. 20 laps to go.
6:32 - the action is getting 2 fast 2 furious and race leader clint bowyer spins. this race is ludacris.
6:41 - the sixth caution of the day slows down the field yet again. at this point, we should just give the trophy to the pace car.
6:50 - for the third time in ten laps, the yellow flag is out. this is like watching a baby trying to walk, but continuously falling down.
6:58 - ryan newman wins his first daytona 500. more impressive than the win is the fact that it is on wikipedia in two minutes. i think that website can tell the future.

with a final hour that was very disjointed, the daytona 500 ended up being a disappointment. i can see why people tune in, but it's not really my cup of tea. but at least it didn't interfere with the american gladiators finale. now that's what president's day weekend is all about!