Drop Trade Deadline Gorgeous

The NBA trade deadline passed yesterday with plenty of last second deals taking place. The similarities to the 1999 mockumentary about a small time Minnesota beauty pageant are striking. Both involve so-called experts critiquing and analyzing the participants. Both involve behind-the-scenes posturing and negotiation. And both involve people trying to fleece the opposition in hopes of landing the coveted trophy and/or tiara. Here’s a look at some of the less-publicized winners and losers of these trades. But before you start cursing at me for a boring “analyze the trade deadline” column, I must point out that that is not American Teen Princess language.

Winners
Teenage Mormon Girls – They finally got the wholesome idol they’ve missed ever since Jeff Hornacek left town when the Jazz imported a great shooter in Kyle Korver. Looking at Korver, I see an odd mix between Ashton Kutcher and Carrot Top, which is enough to get anyone revved up.
Women at New Jersey Clubs – People are still buzzing over the Jason Kidd’s return to Dallas, and questioning whether or not the Mavs gave up too much. It also means that ladies from Newark to Atlantic City can hit the dance floor without fear of getting hit on the dance floor.
Balls – Steve Kerr put it all on the line with his trade for an aging Shaquille O’Neal. The jury’s still out on the trade’s success, but Kerr said it best: “If it works, I’m a genius. If not I’m a moron.” Either way he’s still the best announcer around.
Retirement – Keith Van Horn and Aaron McKie were lured out of retirement to sign multi-million dollar contracts for salary cap purposes. In a related story, I quit my job and am currently waiting for an offer.

Losers
The 2003 ScoutHoops Top 20 – Three members of this prospect class ended up in trades. #19 Trevor Ariza moved to LA, #15 Von Wafer was shipped to Portland, and #5 Shannon Brown was deported to Chicago. Chris Paul and LeBron James must’ve been worried for a second there.
Sibling Bliss – In the trade that sent Pau Gasol to LA, the rights to his brother Marc were sent to Memphis. How embarrassing is it for Marc that his brother is better than him by a three players and two draft picks? Thanksgiving should be interesting at the Gasol household.
Stromile Swift – As if getting traded to New Jersey wasn’t punishment enough, Swift was doubly-offended when he was traded for Jason Collins. That’s like getting traded to Sudan for Ebola.
Conservatives – Basketball purists who claim that a trade should be between one team and another team were aghast yesterday when two separate three-ways were consummated. The Cavs, Sonics and Bulls along with the Hornets, Grizzlies and Rockets flaunted convention with their dealings at the deadline. These taboo trades are sure to fuel the tabloids.