Today's Best - 12.18.07

5. Even-Tempered Announcing - The voice of college basketball, Dick Vitale, underwent successful surgery to treat ulcers on his vocal chords. He’ll continue writing for his website and for ESPN, however he’ll be forced to vacate his announcing role until February. Though I’m constantly annoyed by Vitale’s Duke bias and incessant screaming, I have to admit that college basketball won’t be the same without him. Hopefully, he’ll have a full recovery and be back to his crazy self in no time. Maybe he’ll even be rested for March Madness. Can you imagine Vitale trying to blow off two months of pent up exhilaration? He might cause a riot!

4. Southeast Missouri State (sort of) - The Redhawks trailed by as much as 14 against the Samford Bulldogs, including an 8 point deficit with two minutes to go. That's when Jimmy Drew did his best Bryce Drew impression and nailed a 3-pointer with three seconds left to give the Redhawks a 63-62 win. The women's team, however, was not as lucky. While they too defeated Samford, due to multiple recruiting violations by former head coach BJ Smith, an NCAA committee has ruled that the Redhawks should forfeit all 79 victories of Smith's tenure. This includes erasing any record of their appearance in the 2006 NCAA tournament. The list of Smith's infractions include improper transportation of players, prospects receiving free summer lodging, and the coaching staff observing summer workouts. See, this is why no one respects women's basketball. At least men's scandals involve gambling, drugs and strippers.

3. Sofa Advocates – During his seven-year tenure at West Virginia, Rich Rodriguez build the Mountaineers into a perennial Big East contender and a national powerhouse. The hope is that he can do the same at Michigan. After Lloyd Carr joined the 'witless' protection program, Richie Rich has signed to be the next man to get wrecked by Jim Tressel on a yearly basis. [Photo]With Pat White and Steve Slaton eligible to declare for the NFL, times may be tough for the Mountaineer faithful. The biggest beneficiary has to be local Morgantown furniture outlets, who’ll no longer have to deal with their sofas being set ablaze after big WVU wins. Best case scenario: West Virginia students singe some lawn furniture after beating Syracuse.

2. The Honor Code - The academic haven that is Florida State has announced that 20-25 players on its football team will be suspended for their bowl game, due to their role in a cheating scandal. The scandal centers around an Internet-based course, and academic advisers who reportedly gave football players answers prior to tests and wrote their papers. While privacy laws will prevent the players' names from being disclosed, they will miss the Music City Bowl against Kentucky, as well as the first three games of next season. So it won't require Sherlock Holmesian deduction to figure out which players were involved. Forgive me for editorializing, but I guarantee that one of the offenders is Christian Ponder. Isn't a little coincidental that his name is an anagram for "Dr. Cheat in Prison"? If this was an episode of "Lost", that'd definitely mean something.

1. Pro Bowl Voters – Pro Bowl voting was released and as expected, the rosters are dominated by players from the Cowboys, Patriots, and Chargers. What was unexpected however, was the starting free safety for the NFC: none other than former Redskin Sean Taylor. He becomes the first posthumously elected Pro Bowler in history after leading the conference in interceptions through the first 9 games of the season. In addition, he also leads the league in 'most awesome person' through 14 games. While the Pro Bowl is typically an afterthought to the NFL season, here’s hoping that players take a cue from Taylor and play this game at 110%. And here’s hoping that it includes the pummeling of Brian Moorman.

Today's Best - 12.17.07

5. the vikings, i guess - in a game that was largely uninteresting, the vikings beat the bears 20-13 or perhaps by another generic football score. the minnesota vikings now have won twice as many games as the minnesota timberwolves and have thereby improved their playoff chances while eliminating the rival bears from contention. the bears played a game typical of their season so far as a decent defensive effort, led by brian urlacher's two sacks, interception, and fumble recovery, was wasted by a tame orton-led offense. vikings quarterback tarvaris jackson wasn't much better as he turned it over four times. luckily, adrian peterson, who was mostly bottled up all night, picked up the slack and found a way to score two touchdowns, the second of which came on a play that began with him and brooks bollinger colliding in the backfield and put minnesota ahead for good. and now because of their recent play down the stretch, a lot of people are saying that the vikings are the team that no one wants to face in the playoffs. well no one except the bears, who i'm pretty sure would like to play anyone in the playoffs.

4. teams that beat the jazz 2 weeks ago - the jazz have only won one of their last eight games and after a 116-111 loss to atlanta last night, it's obvious that beating utah is no longer a very impressive victory. as it stands, the jazz only hold a half game lead on the final playoff spot over the blazers, who have now won 8 straight. it's hard to pinpoint exactly why the jazz have been playing so poorly especially as someone who avoids watching their games. i assume it has something to do with mehmet okur's injury which has forced a collins brother into minutes. i would love to see jason and jarron collins enter a two-on-two basketball tournament for twins. not only would they lose to every team of twins, they'd lose to numerous other teams of people who played by themselves because they didn't have a twin.

3. rudy gay - last night, the grizzlies lost 125-117 to the warriors of golden state in a high-paced, frenetic game. for the third consecutive game, pau gasol sat out nursing a jammed big toe. in his absence, rudy gay took over the reins of marc iavaroni's offense. he scored 32 points which tied the career high he set in his previous game, a win against the magic in orlando. and even more impressively, yesterday rudy gay tied a long standing nba record by collecting six total personal fouls over the course of a game. and anyone can foul the other team seven times in a single game, it's rudy gay. but even if he doesn't, he'll still likely remain memphis' leading scorer especially considering that he's the the nba's 9th highest scorer in december with 23.6 points per game and 5th in the league with 40 dunks.

2. mike d'antoni - the suns and spurs played in a close, hard-fought game last night that ended with a 100-95 phoenix win. this was the spurs first home loss of the season and it came while tony parker sat out his third consecutive game. it's easy to say that had parker played the spurs would have won. but in a game where the lead changed hands five times in the final 90 seconds, i think the spurs could have easily won had gregg popovich not been completely out-coached. because after grant hill made two free throws to push the lead to 98-95 with 9 seconds to go, the spurs made an egregious error when with a chance to tie the game, ginobili lost the ball to boris diaw. then egregiously almost as if the spurs didn't know the suns were 0-5 when they didn't reach 100 points, matt bonner committed a clear path foul. this gave the suns two free throws and possession. uh, spurs, the score is 98-95 and the suns are winless when they fail to score 100 points. if you don't give them those two free throws, chances are you'll win. amazingly, boris diaw missed one of two. the score sat at 99-95 and the spurs were given new life. surely they must now know that if they simply keep the suns from scoring another point, victory will likely be theirs. incredibly, the spurs fouled again and steve nash scored the 100th point for phoenix on a free throw that clinched the suns victory. gregg popovich has lost this team.

1. fernando viña - i'm sure andy pettitte couldn't have been very pleased that a few days after explaining that he only used hgh to recover from an injury, fernando viña used the exact same excuse to explain his inclusion in the mitchell report. soon enough, everyone who gets caught with performance enhancing drugs will use this same flimsy excuse as if this was somehow not still cheating. anyways, since the yankees dynasty of the late 90s has come under fire for the numerous alleged steroid and hgh users on their rosters including the aforementioned andy pettitte, i think it's only fair that similar suspicions are raised about fernando viña's castmates on baseball tonight. steroids and hgh could explain why peter gammons was able to return to work less than three months after a brain aneurysm or why tim kurkjian knows so many stats or why john kruk is able to wear non-sweatpants to work.

Marques from Utica, NY: The Anti-Right

well marques from utica, ny, you should be happy to hear that this weekend i not only finally found enough uninterrupted free time to find a picture of you thanks to a google image search for "marques utica ny", but i also got a chance to sit down and enjoy my copy of the mitchell report. and interestingly, as i read through it i couldn't help but notice that, despite what you suggested last week, frank thomas wasn't the player who was hurt most by the report. it doesn't even seem like frank thomas was hurt by the report at all. in fact, he was only mentioned three times in the entire document, once when he was quoted as saying that he'd "love to see testing" and two other times in reference to his helpful and informative comments. since this is infinity times more helpful and informative comments than you provided george mitchell, i think we can safely say that your hateful smear campaign against frank thomas has fallen flat on its face. the only way i could be more pleased with this is if the mitchell report is revised so that the following images are included in a new section of the report: "appendix e: pictures of marques from utica, ny being dumb".

figure 1. marques from utica, ny at blue jays batting practice

figure 2. marques from utica, ny having a picnic

figure 3. marques from utica, ny making pastries

hopefully, marques from utica, ny, you've learned a valuable lesson from this embarrassing episode and realize the consequences of making such irresponsible and inaccurate allegations. perhaps this can serve as a reminder to all future espn sportsnation chatters, and humans in general, that frank thomas didn't need the help of performance enhancing drugs to become the best baseball player in history taller than zero inches. or at least a reminder that frank thomas has weird fans.

The End-Around - 12.16.07

Baby, it’s Cold Outside – During the telecast of the Cowboys and Eagles, Fox made sure that we all knew Jessica Simpson was in attendance. She was sitting in a luxury box, looking cute as a button while sporting a pink Tony Romo jersey. Based on his performance it probably should have been Tony himself who wore the pink jersey. In one of his worst outings of his career, Romo threw three interceptions and completed only 36% of his passes as the league’s second highest scoring offense was held under 24 points for the first time all season in a 10-6 loss. The clincher was a play at the two-minute warning in which Brian Westbrook appeared to have broken into the open for an easy touchdown. As the ultimate show of disrespect to his fantasy owners, Westbrook took a knee at the Cowboys’ 1 and opted to run out the clock. While it may have been a smart play, I wonder how many playoff match ups were determined by the Westbrook flop. But the real problem for the Eagles occurred when Reggie Brown misunderstood what it meant to be ‘giving of yourself’.

Winter Wonderland – The Jaguars headed into a snowy Heinz field in one of the marquee matchups of the day. After a hard-fought game, they emerged victorious, beating the Steelers 29-22 for Pitt’s first home loss of the season. Fred Taylor ran for 147 yards and a touchdown, but he real story was the play of quarterback David Garrard. He threw for three touchdowns in snowy, windy conditions. He also led the team to a game-winning touchdown with two minutes remaining, after withstanding a furious Steelers comeback. The score was not indicative of the Jags’ dominance in this game: they had nearly two-to-one leads in total yardage and time of possession. The Jags became the fifth team to ten wins and look poised to surprise some people come playoff time.

The Snow Lay on the Ground – Everyone seemed to think the there would be some terrible drama between Eric Mangini and Bill Belichick this week. Instead, they played a fairly unexciting football game that culminated in the Pats perfect season remaining unblemished. New England won 20-10 in a game that was highlighted by two blocked punts. Brady, Moss and Welker were stifled by the wintry conditions in Foxboro and the team was forced to lean on Laurence Maroney, who responded by carrying 26 times for 104 yards and a touchdown. In one of my favorite celebrations, fans in the bleachers took the snow from their seats and flung it into the air following big plays from the Pats. I guess they forgot about the one foe that could defeat the Patriots: gravity. Guys, the snow’s just going to come back down and hit you. The fans got their act together late in the fourth quarter and started throwing snow on the field instead. It’s good to know that the class displayed throughout New England’s organization extends down to its fan base as well.

Let it Snow – Brett Favre was removed from his natural habitat of Lambeau Field and forced to play a dome game in St. Louis, while a snowstorm raged outside. Despite having his requests to “crank up the AC” denied, Favre led the Pack to a 33-14 win over the Rams. Coupled with Dallas’ loss, the win tied Green Bay for first place in the NFC and should make the last two weeks of the season very interesting for home field implications. Favre also walked away with yet another record in his belt, this time eclipsing Dan Marino for most passing yardage in NFL history (61,405). I wouldn’t be surprised if the NFL just starts making up awards for Favre to win, like most Wrangler commercials appeared in, player Chris Berman loves the most, and most likely to have fun.

Home for the Holidays – Buffalo fans no longer have to worry about losing in the Super Bowl. Thanks to being shutout in Cleveland, their team has now been eliminated from the postseason. The Browns and Bills played in the snowiest game of the day and a final score of 8-0 reflected the offenses inability to produce. The only player that didn’t upset fantasy owners was Jamal Lewis, who rumbled for 163 yards, many of which came with Bills defenders draped all over him. An odd fashion choice, but impressive nonetheless. Browns kicker Phil Dawson managed to connect on two field goals, one of which was from 49 yards. How did someone from West Palm Beach who went to school at Texas kick so well in the snow? “It’s just water,” Dawson explained, “Get real.”

The First No ‘L’ - Do you believe in somewhat surprising conclusions? Yes! The Miami Dolphins avoided a winless season by defeating the Baltimore Ravens in overtime. Greg Camarillo (yes, the Greg Camarillo) caught a pass from Cleo Lemon (no, the other Cleo Lemon) that sent Dolphins Stadium into a frenzy. The Ravens lost their eighth straight game and blew several opportunities to win the game. Facing a fourth and goal inside the one with under ten seconds, Brian Billick decided to kick the field goal to tie, instead of going for the win. And in overtime, Matt Stover missed a game-winning field goal. Ravens center Mike Flynn said, “I think everything stinks at this point, whether it's the Dolphins or whether we were playing Missouri.” Flynn is from Doylestown, PA and went to school at Maine. So if anyone knows why he has it out for Missouri, please let me know.

The Twelve Days of Christmas - On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

- Twelve drummers drumming
- Eleven San Diego Charger third down conversions
- Ten interceptions on the season for Antonio Cromartie, tops in the league
- Nine wins for the Chargers, clinching their second straight division title
- Eight total touchdowns
- Seventh place on the all-time touchdown list for LaDanian Tomlinson, passing Jim Brown
- Six straight losses for the Detroit Lions
- Five Jon Kitna interceptions!
- Four combined touchdowns between Tomlinson and Darren Sproles
- Three for three on field goals by the chargers’ Nate Kaeding
- Two times as much time off possession for the Chargers
- And a 51-14 shellacking that will keep the Lions from Kitna's prediciton of 10 victories

Mery Christmas from Garbage Points!

Today's Best - 12.16.07

5. boston celtics - coming into the season, the biggest question surrounding the celtics was whether or not they were deep enough to overcome an injury to their big three. this weekend, ray allen missed both games with a calf injury which gave us a chance to see how they would respond in this situation. the celtics responsed by beating the bucks by 22 and then the raptors by 13 as tony allen tried to convince garnett and pierce that the three of them should start a new big three. these two wins certainly don't prove boston is deep enough to withstand an extended injury, but celtics fans should be comforted by these blowout wins nonetheless. boston now sits at 20-2 and probably have accrued more wins in 22 games than kevin garnett's old team will accrue in 82 games. anyways, next up for boston are the detroit pistons in a game that pits the two best eastern conference teams against one another to determine once and for all whether a big three is greater than a big four. number lines worldwide are holding their breath.

4. arizona d-backs - the diamondbacks had a busy weekend in which they made two major trades. in the first one, arizona sent a laundry list of prospects to oakland for dan haren. haren was one of the better pitchers in the american league last year and his addition gives the diamondbacks a very potent duo between he and brandon webb. next, the diamondbacks traded their closer jose valverde to houston for chad qualls and the underachieving chris burke. jose valverde saved 47 games in exciting and demonstrative fashion last year and was part of a strong bullpen that helped arizona make the playoffs despite being outscored. both these moves seem to improve arizona's chances at repeating as division champs. until you remember that a few weeks ago they traded carlos quentin to the white sox. good luck having dan haren and chad qualls replace the 50 home runs carlos quentin hits this april. why am i so excited about carlos quentin? i barely know what he looks like.

3. people whose pants are not on fire - this weekend andy pettitte admitted using human growth hormone in 2002 to recover from an elbow injury. andy pettitte coming clean means two things. first, the mitchell report, which some people had claimed lacked merit, gains a little more credence. and secondly, doubts are raised about roger clemens' denial of the extensive performance enhancing history documented in the same report. not to be outdone, keon clark, ex-toronto raptor, had a 2 and a half year prison sentence thrown out and told a vermilion county circuit court that he "never played a game sober". he admitted he was an alcoholic and drank a half pint ot a pint of gin daily while playing pro basketball and even drank at halftime while in the nba. i don't see what the big deal is, thousands of people drink during halftime of nba games. if keon clark had fired t-shirt cannons and tried to get on the kiss cam during stoppages in play i would have been more concerned. but more seriously, hopefully keon clark seeks the help he needs and can successfully overcome his alcoholism. and as part of the twelve step program, hopefully he apologizes to shawn bradley for this. aside: why is shawn bradley always letting the gravity get sucked right out of the building? it's about time shawn bradley admits he sucks.

2. fred couples - this weekend, tiger woods returned to golf after a 4-month layoff to win the target world challenge. in doing so, he received a $1.35 million check that goes to his tiger woods learning center. considering this is the 4th time tiger woods has won this event, i imagine the children at the tiger woods learning center all take classes about time travel and go on field trips to the moon. anyways, since woods won by 7 strokes the next most interesting story was concerning rory sabbatini who was heading into the final round in last place and mysteriously withdrew citing "personal reasons" and "shin splints". when asked to comment, fred couples was quoted as saying, "of course he did. and roger clemens' agent said he didn't do steroids." i can't express how happy i am that it's gotten to point where golfers make fun of roger clemens. hopefully next week poker players and bowlers will add their two cents.

1. portland trailblazers - the trailblazers won their 7th straight game after beating utah for the second time in four days on friday and then beating the nuggets in denver last night. last night's win was especially impressive because it was the 2nd consecutive night where the recap on espn's nba scoreboard included the phrase "despite a.i.'s [point total]" regarding a denver loss i.e. "blazers knock off nuggets despite a.i.'s 38 points" and "spurs prevail despite a.i.'s 30; duncan back". hopefully, this trend continues and the next few nuggets game recaps are titled things like "despite a.i.'s 75 points, rockets win", "despite a.i.'s new robotic arm, kings prevail", or "despite a.i.'s pizza bagel pre-game meal, he throws up on the court and denver loses by 45." back to the topic at hand, portland has won seven straight and the last four without lamarcus aldridge. during this stretch, brandon roy has been playing exceptionally well, averaging 24.1 points, 5.7 rebounds, 6.7 assists per game while shooting 49.6 percent from the field. frighteningly for blazer opponents though, there is still room for improvement. because, one, in the last seven games, brandon roy has only made 1 of 13 three point attempts and has actually missed his last 12 tries. and two, because he is currently shooting 49.6 percent shooting and not 100 percent.

The Loser's Guide to the NFL

If you're like me, your fantasy football team is an afterthought and your reality football team has had their playoff hopes shot. Weeks 15-17 can be a lonely time when your friends are praising Randy Moss and Wes Welker, while co-workers are gloating about their beloved Packers. So what's the point of tuning in when football serves as a constant reminder of your failure over the past four months? Here are some things to focus on while mopping up your tears and regrouping for next year. What's that, you didn't cry over your teams being eliminated? Oh. Me neither. (sniff)

10. highlights - sure, you can tune into sportscenter to see the big plays of the day. but seeing a highlight happen live is a special occasion, and any reason i have to jump off my couch and cheer is a good reason.

9. preemting sixty minutes - cbs has been pushing back their sunday night news show for years. why don't they just scedule it for a later time? do seventy year olds tune in and get disappointed every week?

8. hangover cure - a lot of america spends their sunday mornings recovering from the exploits of saturday nights. watching monsters beat each other up is a good source of entertainment during this time.

7. endzone celebrations - football purists may frown at the sight, but celebrating touchdowns is one of the more fan-friendly aspects of the nfl. and anything that runs the risk of a 15-yard penalty is ok by me.

6. football music - admit it, the fox and cbs music get stuck in your head. they're the perfect tunes to get you pumped up right before kick off. i often hum them to myself while getting my morning coffee. on a related note, my co-workers think i'm weird.

5. fantasy football research - this late in the season is a good time to uncover next year’s potential gems. it's also a good time to start coming up with excuses for why your team is going to suck next year.

4. cursing on network television - one of the small pleasures in life comes from microphones positioned too close to the playing field. it usually results in me repeating the expletive over the course of the next week.

3. big hits - no, i said 'hits'. with an 'h'. on some level, every football fans is a bit of a sadist. while i'm not openly rooting for someone to get hurt, seeing a receiver get leveled going across the middle is a selling point that no other medium can offer.

2. bad announcing - hearing someone mispronounce a player's name or incorrectly analyze a play causes me a great deal of anger. at least joe buck and his moral authority keep me on an even keel.

1. gambling - in the spirit of capitalism, why sit back and watch something when you can instead profit off of it? then again, most nfl gambling experiences result in losing piles and piles of money. but it's all worth it for the rare occassion when a three-team parlay hits. that's assuming someone out there hits parlays, 'cause i sure don't.

Today's Best - 12.13.07

5. scrap, pluck, grit, and moxie - good news for anyone who tries, canada is hiring. at least that's what the toronto blue jays would have you believe after signing david eckstein to a one-year, $4.5 million contract. eckstein is known more for being a short baseball player who gives maximum effort than he is for being a good baseball player at a reasonable height. as if that weren't enough, just to prove that he cares more than everyone else, he sprints to first base whenever he gets walked. i assume this is also how he crosses the street. anyways, blue jays manager john gibbons had this to say about his new shortstop and leadoff hitter: "he's a tough out and he really battles. he just seems to find a way to get something done." the only way this could have been a more generic description of a baseball player is if john gibbons explained how david eckstein "plays the game the right way", "takes it one game at a time" and "uses steroids". i can wait until next season when david eckstein is completely mediocre despite leading the league in highest percentage given with 110%.

4. mario williams - with reggie bush likely out for the remainder of the season and vince young struggling, mario williams made a strong case for rookie of the 2nd year with a 3.5 sack game that helped the texans defeat the broncos 31-13. it was houston's seventh win this season, which ties a franchise record. after the game, mario told reporters that "this is our first big-stage game. everybody was watching. we were the only game. we kind of showed the world what we can do." unfortunately, thanks to nfl network, "we were the only game" was the only accurate sentence in his entire response. but i guess if you're second in the league in sacks you say whatever you want.

3. wizards defense on good players - for the first time in their last nine games in miami, the wizards beat the heat 104-91. it was washington's third consecutive win and the fourth time in five games where they held their opponent under 92 points. defensively, the team appears to playing better now than they at any other point during eddie jordan's regime. this is until you realize that the wizards have now allowed a middling player to score a career high number of points against them in back-to-back games. on tuesday, craig smith bullied his way to 36 points while shooting 14 of 22 from the field and last night, chris quinn managed to score 22 points on 6-10 shooting from three. it was both the first time chris quinn has scored 22 points and the first time he's ever entered a game with his shoes on the right feet. regardless, this game has taught us one important thing about each team. first, it's going to be difficult for washington to maintain their current success if they don't figure out how to stop their opponent's 8th best player. and second, if you're a team that allows chris quinn to shoot more than dwyane wade, it's time to invest in some "better basketball" dvds.

2. the parkers - last night, the lakers played a spurs team that was missing two legs of its tripod. ultimately, ginobili wasn't able to support the camera on his own and los angeles won 102-97. the results probably would have been different had duncan and parker played, but like me, they just watched the game helplessly. but as if to prove that we are not at all alike, rumors have surfaced that tony parker cheated on eva longoria, his celebrity wife, with a model. tony and eva have already released separate statements refuting these reports, but this has done little to keep me from submitting numerous all star votes for tony parker. i'd seriously trade an entire year's salary to live tony parker's charmed life for one day. not only would i get to be a star basketball player with two women draped off both of my arms, but i'd make more money in one day as him than i do in an entire year as me.

1. clear plastic report covers - i assume whatever company makes these things made a killing yesterday when the mitchell report was released and then made available for download, for whatever reason. i can't think of another time a document like this was ever widely distributed to the public. it's like in high school when the basketball coach put up the list of players who made the team on his door and everyone rushed to see if they were on it. except in this case, the high school kids are really strong, copies of checks they wrote are included, and the list is 400 pages long. i guess it's not very similar at all. other than the fact that in both cases, my name wasn't listed. maybe next year.

Today's Best - 12.12.07

5. Arthur Blank - Arthur Blank now has a built in excuse for anything he does in his life from now on : "trust issues". Earlier this year he was burned by his Pro-Bowl, franchise quarterback, Micheal Vick who he reportedly trusted and treated like a son and is now serving a 23 month sentence for his role in a dog-fighting enterprise. On Wednesday Blank spoke about his disappointment in coach Bobby Petrino saying that the best way to describe the teams feeling is "betrayed". The betrayal comes from Petrino's decision to leave Blank's Atlanta Falcons to take the vacant coaching position at the University of Arkansas. Just earlier in the week Blank was singing his adoration of his first year coach from the mountaintop that is the booth on Monday Night Football. I think the 65 year old Blank should take this opportunity to have second mid-life crisis, and go out and engage in all sorts of debauchery, nobody will be able to point the finger, he has trust issues!

4. The Struggling Houston B-12 Market - Miguel Tejada was traded from the Baltimore Orioles to the Houston Astros in exchange for five minor league players. The former MVP has turned into the most glorified singles hitter in baseball (.442 Slugging in 2007) and has even lost his Ironman mystique after cracking a bone in his wrist last season, forcing him to miss 29 games. Also of worry is Tejada's diminishing range at the shortstop position especially making plays going to his left. I don't know if it's just me, but every time am watching an Orioles game or an All-Star game that Tejada has been involved in he is ALWAYS stretching, I thought that this would aid in his range at short, but now that I think about it he is probably wrapping up his lunge stretches as dribblers are being hit up the middle.

3. Willie Mays' Legacy - Aaron Rowand has agreed to a five year - 60 million dollar deal to patrol center field in San Francisco. Although nobody can deny the incredible season that Rowand had in the Phillies outfield, and it is clear that Rowand will be an upgrade to the combination of Dave Roberts, Randy Winn and Rajaj Davis that patrolled the position last year, Ii think after the length of the contract both Willie Mays' legacy as the best Centerfielder in baseball history and more importantly in Giants history will remain intact. This however could change if fans and analysts alike begin to count broken bloody faces as a result of making plays in the center a hall of fame caliber stat. If this is the case, Rowand may already have an insurmountable lead.

2. NBA Technical Foul Fund - In the Bulls/Pacers game Troy Murphy and Tyrus Thomas get into a scrap. After being forced to the ground by Murphy after grabbing a rebound and retaliating with a punch to the face. After the ensuing scrum between the two teams, officials awarded Murphy his second technical foul of the game and gave Tyrus Thomas a double technical. Added to an earlier technical foul received by Pacers coach Jim O'Brien this leads to a hefty chunk of change for the technical foul fund. Jermaine O'Neal said of the incident "We appreciate Murph getting thrown out of the game, getting us going." It's kind of difficult to tell if this is a compliment or a put-down, just for the sake of controversy, I'll go with put-down.

1. Carlos Boozer's Elbow - I'd like to applaud what has been reported as an accidental elbow to the face of Steve Nash delivered by Carlos Boozer. The blow chipped Steve Nash's tooth late in the first half and forced Nash to play the entire second half with an oral affliction. I would like to believe that the elbow was targeted and on-purpose. It is time that someone stood up and made sure that Nash remembers the lesson taught to him by Robert Horry last year. That lesson: "Yea, you could run around and make your jump-passes and shoot your threes, and steal MVPs but when it comes down to it, you'll have to out-physical the rest of us to win a championship." Nash went on to finish the game with 29 points and 11 assists while going 10-12 from the field in a Suns 103-98 win, which goes to show you, he refuses to learn his lesson and is a glutton for punishment.

The Freshman Fifteen - Week 3

Dhivy : It took three weeks, but my squad finally laid the lumber to the opposition. In the short-run, I was lucky that finals caused Joe's team to miss a lot of games this week, and that Eric Gordon suffered an in-game injury. It would've been a better long-term solution if they had skipped their finals and been declared academically ineligible, but beggars can't be choosers. Plus, Gordon's injury prevented me from having to send Nehemiah Ingram or Mardy Collins after him. Thanks to these windfalls, I asserted my will in an easy victory and am closing in on the top spot overall. MVP honors for the week go to Nick Calathes, who turned in two sparkling performances by averaging 22.0-5.5-9.0, along with six steals and seven threes. I assume he'll keep this level of play for the rest of the year. I also assume that I'll be very disappointed in Nick Calathes in the coming weeks.

The big men came to play as well. Beasley and Love helped us outrebound Joe & Quang's teams combined. They had so much trouble rebounding that it was a wonder they were able to bound in the first place. Kyle Singler mailed in a performance against Michigan and told reporters that his team was already on cruise control. When asked how Duke could be so casual, Singler said, "I meant Dhivy's team, you clod. Duke who?" And while the win was nice, I'm not about to rest on my laurels. Instead, I'll… work under your hardys?... and get rid of P'Allen Stinnett. He had two subpar performances against Xavier and St. Joe's and has been replaced on my roster by Corey Chandler of Rutgers. He's a great scorer with good range, but I'll be looking for him to step up his assists. I've realized that the only thing more fun that beating Quang and Joe is beating Quang and Joe and proving that I know more than them at the same time. So win, lose, or draw, I'll continue to trot out a bevy a freshman from around the country, while Joe stops to smell the Derrick Roses and Quang turns Donte Green with envy.


Quang: finals hit my team hard as three of my players were limited to only one game this week. therefore instead of schooling dhivy and joe like we usually do, it was in fact my players who got schooled by their teachers in "math308: basic algebra" and "hist723: history of taking naps during class". dhivy capitalized and won the week while also proving that he doesn't value education as much as both joe and i do. this will surely catch up with dhivy when i start doing michael beasley's homework and then tell all the media as much. dhivy's questionable scruples aside, we were already in a pretty deep hole before eric gordon hurt his back in the first game of the week. since he also missed the game against kentucky, i only got 12 minutes from him when i was expecting 80. if eric had played just two average games by his standards, the deficit between dhivy and me would have been much less pronounced. if eric had gotten a 50-30-30-10-10 quintuple-double while hitting 10 threes and converting every attempt from the field and the line though, i would have swept.

although this week didn't end exactly as we planned, i'm still pleased with our production and execution. oj mayo's only played one game but it was the game of the week as usc took on derrick rose and memphis. mayo played well defensively which would have been completely useless for fantasy purposes had he not been playing someone on joe's team. donte green was the only player who played twice, one of which was in an impressive win over virginia where he filled up the box score. his versatility remains an asset on a team where every other player is either chucks or dunks. anthony randolph played decently in a game against villanova where they coughed up a 20-point lead. this would have been crushing had we decided to count wins and losses as fantasy stats. even deandre jordan played well in his only game to rebound from a horrendous week where i almost cut him. anyways, next week our team faces another challenge as oj mayo doesn't play a single game while the rest of the team plays only single games. thankfully though, all these games are against a bunch of directional states like western carolina and east tennessee state. if a third consecutive week passes without a win, changes will be made. such as me paying other students to go to class for all of my players so they can focus only on basketball.


Joe : Back in college I used to hate finals, not only did I have to study and fuel up on coffee to keep my eyes open while studying and taking the tests, but even if I wanted to laze about and watch college basketball my options were limited because the players were taking finals as well. It's still affecting me today as once again my team was steamrolled due to inactivity. I had the only player on any roster that went a full week without playing. Its not as if my team would have won blocks and rebounds if we were at full strength, but with Justin Burrell siting in Jamaica Queens sharpening his number 2 pencils instead of posting double doubles in Carnesceca Arena I stood no shot. With one more game I would likely have moved up in rank in points, steals and assists and I still wouldn't of even had as many games played as Quang. So in short, for the third week in a row I have deduced that on equal footing my team is easily the greatest regardless of Dhivy's roster changes and Quang's bold assertions. Only two things can stop us tournaments and final exams.

I was able to watch all of the games played by my players this week except for Jonny Flynn's 21 and 10 showing against Rhode island, and for the most part everyone did as expected. While O.J. Mayo and his teammates were able to shut down Derrick Rose scoring wise, but as expected he was able to put up numbers in other areas of the game, posting 10 boards and playing great defense himself contributing 3 steals. It was alarming however to see Pat Patterson miss two free throws in a row, I definitely thought it would affect my squad's stellar free throw prowess, but when you have Jarryd Bayless and Jonny Flynn have 6 for 6 games the few shots that others miss here and there don't really matter. One time, I hit 9 free trows out of 10 in a competition against my friends...I made my team in my image!

Marques from Utica, NY: I Hate You

i was reading rob neyer's espn chat this afternoon and i came across this question and answer that, as a tremendous frank thomas fan, i found particularly infuriating.

um, first of all, marques from utica, frank thomas doesn't take performance enhancing drugs, performance enhancing drugs take frank thomas. and the only chance frank thomas has of getting hurt by the mitchell report is if someone leaves it lying around and frank thomas trips over it and stubs his toe. to even suggest that he could be implicated in this or any other report that wasn't written by me in fifth grade is both hog-wash and balderdash. as such, here's what i think would be a more appropriate response to this ridiculous assertion.

seriously though, if anything, frank thomas stands to gain the most from this report. because once this list comes out, everyone is going to realize that in spite of these numerous artificially inseminated players, frank thomas still became baseball's greatest player ever, living or dead or undead.

anyways, by this time tomorrow, i expect this matter will be put to bed after we have all gone over the mitchell report. frank thomas will be exonerated of any wrongdoing in the court of marques from utica ny's opinion and i will be first in line at george mitchell's book signing. then instead of reading chats where someone insinuates that frank thomas may have cheated, i'll read chats where there is an intelligent discussion about things like whether frank thomas should be admitted into the hall of fame tonight or tomorrow night or if we should put an asterisk next to frank thomas' name in the record books for the 400 additional home runs he would have hit if other players weren't on steroids.

Today's Best - 12.11.07

5. joel przybilla - with lamarcus aldridge shelved for at least a week with planar fasciitis, joel przybilla saw a season high 38 minutes and the blazers defeated the jazz 97-89. przybilla grabbed 10 boards and blocked 5 shots, while taking only 3 shots. this jordan-esqaue attempt to get his teammates involved didn't go unnoticed, as the other trailblazers overwhelmed their jazz opponents. when the game ended, portland had secured their 4th consecutive win while utah had dropped its 4th consecutive game. and if przybilla continues making his teammates better and playing at this high a level, i expect both streaks to continue.

4. kosuke fukudome - according to preliminary reports, the latest japanese import has agreed to a 4-year deal with the cubs that will pay him $12 million annually. if things go to plan the cubs will not only add another decent bat to the potent derrek lee, aramis ramirez, and alfonso soriano trio, but also a superhuman samurai centerfielder. anyways, the most interesting thing regarding this acquisition to me is trying to figure out how to correctly pronounce "kosuke fukudome". kose-k foo-q-dome ? kice-k few-koo-doe-may? a-ok fice-k-doom? kosta koufos? costco free q'doba? bazooka joe? if i never learn how to correctly pronounce this name i'll be pretty pleased with myself.

3. warriors' defense - in a game where both teams shot under 40% from the field, the warriors edged the duncan-less spurs 96-84. it was the first game that golden state has won all year when scoring fewer than 100 points. this was obviously due to their stifling defense that kept ginobili to 13 points on 4 of 14 shooting, after back-to-back 37 point games, and tony parker to 11 points on 5 of 14 shooting. even matt bonner was kept in check as the warriors held him to only 25 points and 17 rebounds. had bonner not been facing such a defensive juggernaut, he assuredly would have went off for 81 points last night.

2. cavs' bench - while lebron missed cleveland's last five games with a finger sprain, the cavs averaged a docile 82 points per game while losing each contest. thankfully for the cavs lebron returned last night and was brought off the bench as the cavs beat the pacers 118-105. it was the first time he didn't start a game in his career. his career as a human being. regardless, lebron sparked the cavs and the bench outscored the starters by 30 points. larry hughes scored 36 points while anderson varejao, in his first action of the season, finished with 6 points and 9 rebounds and a lot less money than he was expecting after holding out.

1. the tough - just as expected, since the going got tough, the bobby petrinos got going. because not one calendar year since he accepted the falcons head coaching job and just the night after he coached the falcons to a predictable loss on monday night football, petrino accepted the vacant head coaching job at arkansas. so kids, let this be a lesson, if you're ever obviously in over your head with anything, just quit. during the press conference, petrino claimed that "it was dificult to leave atlanta, the staff, players, fans." i assume petrino misspoke and actually meant to say "it was difficult to leave atlanta, the staff, players, fan." either way, petrino has less than a month to learn about arkansas football before trying to coach them to a bowl victory. hopefully, petrino's gameplan includes limiting darren mcfadden to three carries. then when they get blown out, bobby petrino will quit a job for the third time this year.

Interesting NBA Stats

the nba season is still young, but it's not young enough to not know better. while i figure out what that was supposed to mean, here are some numbers i came across that caught my eye.

182: league leading free throws made by richard jefferson - if richard jefferson continues at this current pace, he'll finish the season with about 710 made free throws which would be 13th most in a single season all-time. and because i can't imagine a realistic scenario where richard jefferson is allowed to join a club where michael jordan, charles barkley, oscar robertson, and moses malone are members, i suspect david stern has another referee scandal on his hands.


9.1: mark madsen's field goal percentage - in 104 minutes this year, mark madsen is 1 of 11 from the field and 0 of 4 from the free throw line. i have no doubt that if all the people who ever went to stanford played a basketball game, mark madsen would get picked last. even after asian physics t.a.'s.

71: eric snow's field goal percentage - this is not a typo, eric snow is shooting... wait, that is a typo. eric snow is actually shooting 7.1% from the field. of the fourteen shots eric snow has attempted he has made only one. if eric snow and mark madsen played a game of horse, it would take three weeks before either one of them could make the joke "ha ha, you're a 'hor'".

66: blocked shots by josh smith - josh smith, at 6 feet, 9 inches tall, has the most blocks in the league. he's averaging 3.5 blocks per game and jumps more often than any other player in basketball.

57: blocked shots by all new york knicks - the knicks, at 98 feet, 9 inches tall, not only have the fewest blocks in the league, but also have been blocked the most times in the league.

0.0: averages of all non-minute stats for ronald dupree, stephane lasme, and marcus vincius - this big three has combined for six minutes and absolutely nothing else. hopefully, they all get traded to the same team so we can watch a game where one team violates the shot clock 70 times and fails to grab a single rebound.

138 and 46: keith bogans' respective field goal attempts from three and from two - so far this season, 75% of keith bogans shots have been from behind the arc. he's made 52 threes compared to 24 two's, which translates to 2.2 threes for every two. if this continues, hopefully bogans can convince dwight howard to also play this way. because then dwight would average 17.3 threes a game while increasing his scoring to 75.1 points per game. it would be insane.

11.9: number of threes salim stoudamire averages per 48 minutes - george mccloud holds the league record for 3-point attempts in a season and ray allen holds the record for most 3-pointers made in a season. salim is currently shooting threes more frequently than both of them. obviously, he has no conscience. which is also why he steals candy from babies.

2: league leading flagrant fouls by jamaal tinsley - this is almost as impressive as jamaal tinsley's league leading number of bullet holes in his car. seriously, why is jamaal tinsley always involved in incidents? i'm sure if the pacers just bought him a copy of guitar hero 3 he'd stop getting into so much trouble and instead not stop a rocking.

69.4: denver's opponents' free throw percentage - this is the lowest opponent's free throw percentage in the league which is good news for the nuggets since the also give up the 8th most points per game. the only explanation for their stellar free throw defense is that george karl devotes practice time for his team to practice taunting opposing free throw shooters. either that or marcus camby blocks a bunch of free throws when the refs aren't looking.

3: number of times rajon rondo has gone to the line and made both free throws - though rondo has improved his field goal percentage from .418 a season ago to .547 this year, his free throw percentage has plummeted from .647 to a horrid .485. rondo is only 6-1, which is too short to be an awful free throw shooter. this likely means that by the end of the season, rajon rondo will have grown 15 inches.

0: technical fouls assessed to the memphis grizzlies - in a bold strategy by new coach marc iavaroni, memphis has decided this year to not allow the other team get free points by keeping their composure throughout the game. as an unfortunate side effect, the grizzlies have become sterile and unemotional as if they were robots or perhaps even robots in disguise. though, if they were robots in disguise, why are they only 6-14? and why wouldn't the other grizzlies transform into rudy gays? i agree, this doesn't make any sense.

54.5: percentage of dwight howard's made field goals that have been dunks - dwight howard has 96 dunks on the year which is fifth best among league leaders. he only trails the denver nuggets, the los angeles lakers, the memphis grizzlies, and the utah jazz. yes, dwight howard has dunked more times than 25 other cities. one-third of his 287 field goal attempts have resulted in made dunks. and if this is the case, logically, dwight howard should start shooting from half court so we can see a half-court dunk on every third magic possession.

404: number of minutes that damon jones has played - i can't win with damon jones. if he plays more than zero minutes, i'm upset because he's awful. and if he plays zero minutes, i'm upset because he's on the bench cheering whenever lebron does something great as if lebron or any of his teammates enjoy his company. my only hope is to get an early copy of the mitchell report and replace all instances of the word "roger clemens" with "damon jones".

9: three-point attempts off the hands of mark blount - to be fair, mark blount has connected on four of his attempts from long range, which is three more than dwyane wade has made so far this year. but before last year, mark blount had attempted one career three pointer. since then, he's jacked 40 threes. clearly, the real mark blount has been kidnapped and the person playing sparingly for the heat is just some 7-foot european player wearing a mark blount mask.

4: number of all star votes i've cast for nick young so far - this would have been much more but for whatever reason, nba.com only lets fans vote once a day.

0: number of things that are dumber than not letting me vote for nick young 1,000 times a day - if i weren't inside right now, i'd use my outdoor voice to scream about nick young.

Today's Best - 12.10.07

5. saint mary's - for the first time since 1989, the saint mary gaels appeared in the ap's top 25 poll. this marks the first time in twenty plus years that the west coast conference boasts two ranked teams, the other being gonzaga. the gaels season has had two big highlights this year, with wins over oregon and undefeated seton hall. the biggest reason is the presence of aussie freshman and garbage points favorite patty mills. how did an australian end up in an incorporated town outside of san francisco? my guess is paul hogan had a lot to do with it.

4. anucha browne sanders - for the first time in years, the new york knicks have made a move that makes sense from a financial standpoint. isiah thomas and msg reached a settlement that will pay sanders $11.5 million for her sexual harassment case. by settling, the knicks avoided losing potential millions in compensatory damages, while sanders avoids the possibility of her punitive damages being reduced on appeal. when asked to comment, thomas said, “i am completely innocent. this decision doesn't change that." phew, that was a close one. for a second there i thought the knicks gave away a big pile of money for a legitimate reason. it's good to know a tiger doesn't change its stripes.

3. pat riley - due in large part to his decision to not play mark blount and smush parker, riley's heat knocked off the phoenix suns in a weather related match up. of course, suns emit heat, and heat is a byproduct of the sun, so this contest was convoluted from the opening tip. in a free flowing game against the suns, riley shortened his bench and relied on only seven players. they out rebounded the suns 46-29 and dwyane wade led the team with 31 points and 6 assists. so to anyone who’s had their name misspelled on their birth certificate, just know that the sky’s the limit.

2. josh smith - with christmas just around the corner, it's time to start stuffing stockings. josh smith decided to get in the yuletide spirit and put in some practice by stuffing the stat sheet against orlando. if this keeps up, it's going to be a very odd christmas at smith's house, as kids are given newspaper box scores instead of elmo dolls and easy-bake ovens. smith finished with 25 points, 16 rebounds, 5 assists, 4 steals, 4 blocks, 1 filthy dunk and 1 headband. the win brings the hawks back to .500 and sends the magic to their second straight loss. the only problem is josh led the team in every major statistical category. um, aren't there five players on a team? hello?

1. chris redman - in his first start of the season, redman threw for nearly 300 yards and two touchdowns. while the falcons went on to lose the game, redman was able to avoid being arrested, which is a lot more than some falcons quarterbacks can say. mike vick was sentenced to 23 months in jail for running an illegal dog fighting ring. vick has been given multiple chances to turn his life around, but the countless mistakes with drugs, guns, general stupidity, and criminal indifference finally caught up with him. while cameras were not allowed inside the courtroom, an anonymous reporter on behalf of garbage points said that vick “ras a rupid roron.” i couldn’t have said it any better if i was a meddling kid.

Bollocks!

Ricky "Hit Man" Hatton was defeated by "Pretty Boy" Floyd "Money" Mayweather by a left hook that earned Floyd a 10th round KO. I was one of the fans who was duped into believing that Hatton was the man who could finally solve the riddle that is Mayweather. I should have realized that Floyd has twice as many nicknames for a reason. In a match that was closer than the judge's scorecards indicated, Ricky was rarely able to corner Floyd and was surprised by the power he displayed. I wonder if Floyd resorted to the old Bugs Bunny trick and put a horseshoe in his glove.

The bigger story to me stems from Floyd's persona outside the ring. He carries himself as the brash, bragadocious villain, and it made him hard to cheer for in this fight. Couple this with Hatton's easy-going, man of the people personality and it's easy to see why the betting line moved so much in Hatton's favor. Thousands of drunken Brits invading Las Vegas probably had something to do with this, too. But what if this was Mayweather's plan all along? Could he have purposely acted in a such a way that it moved the line in favor of those who bet on him? And if so, shouldn't someone be investgating whether or not anyone from Money's camp made any large bets? There's no evidence that any of this happened, and even if it did, I don't know if Floyd did anything illegal. But with a sport as tarnished as boxing, it's not beyond the realm of belief.

Here's hoping Hatton bounces back from this and continues to dominate his weight class. And here's hoping his horde of hooligans learn some class and stop booing our National Anthem. Finally, has anyone ever met someone named Floyd? Have parents used that name in the past twenty years, or is it being phased out?

The End-Around - 12.09.07

Late Game Heroics – The New York Giants and Philadelphia Eagles played a tight game that looked like it was going to be a shootout the whole way. In fact, it did come down to the final drive of the game. Donovan McNabb led his team to the Giants 39 yard line with no timeouts and six seconds on the clock. David Akers lined up for a 57-yard field goal, which looked to have plenty of distance on it. Unfortunately, the ball caromed off the right goal post and bounced away. The Giants won 16-13 and all but ended Philly's slim playoff hopes. Perhaps Akers was distracted when a guy in the crowd shouted, “Hey! It’s Enrico Pallazzo!”

Late Game Heroics 2 1/2 - The San Diego Chargers looked like a team run by Norv Turner for most of their game against Tennessee. Cameras even caught what was interpreted as a slight toward Phillip Rivers by LaDanian Tomlinson on the Chargers' sideline. But all ill will was forgotten when Rivers led the team on a drive that culminated with a touchdown to Antonio Gates, tying the game at 17 to send it into overtime. Tomlinson took over and rushed for his second touchdown of the day, giving the bolts the win. Titans head coach Jeff Fisher fled the locker room immediately after the game and has been declared missing. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact the authorities. His wife described him as a white guy, moustache, about six-foot-three. Awfully big moustache.

Late Game Heroics 33 1/3 - Jon Kitna looked poised to do what only Tom Brady has done this year: defeat Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys, and sleep with Gisele. Thanks to a goal line fumble by Jason Witten, it looked as if the Lions were going to pull off the upset. But Tony Romo would not be denied, as he led his 'Boys on a drive to take the lead with less than a minute remaining. While the Lions were able to keep Terrell Owens in check, Witten had a career game with 15 catches, tied for the most ever by a tight end. This game furthers the growing legacy of Romo, and makes the Cowboys the first NFC team to clinch their division. It just goes to show that when Tony Romo’s got the ball, you’ve got to be like a midget at a urinal, you have to stay on your toes.

Guarantee Not Valid in New England - Anthony Smith made headlines this week by guaranteeing victory over the Patriots. Shockingly, the Patriots saw this as a sign of disrespect and used it as motivation to beat up on Pittsburgh. While Pitt was able to hold Laurence Maroney to his worst rushing output of the season, Jabar Gaffney and Randy Moss both reached 100 yards receiving, and Tom Brady threw four touchdowns in a rout. When asked to comment on his star quarterback, Moss described him as having, “the determination to go out and kill you at any given time”. So that explains why Brady’s been so accurate this season: he’s an actual assassin. If you’re into that sort of thing, here’s a picture of Ty Warren and Big Ben getting a little too close to each other.

Dolphins Buffaloed - The Bills got their turn at the punching bag this week and defeated the Dolphins 38-17. Stanford alum Trent Edwards only completed eleven passes all game, but fortunately, four of them were touchdowns. Running backs Fred Jackson and Marshawn Lynch both gained 100 yards for Buffalo, which marks the first time in history that running backs Fred Jackson and Marshawn Lynch both gained 100yards for Buffalo. The game could be summed up by a play in the first quarter, in which John Beck fumbled while attempting a pass, and George Wilson returned in to give Buffalo a 21-0 lead. Beck did not play another snap. In an interview earlier in the week, Miami defensive end Jason Taylor said, “we’re not losers. We’re just not winning right now.” Jason Taylor’s a nice guy and all, but someone needs to get him a dictionary.

Baltiless - Peyton Manning and company dispatched the Ravens Sunday night by a score of a lot to a little. He threw for four of the easiest touchdowns I’ve ever seen and Joseph Addai added two on the ground. The defense was just as spectacular, leading to four turnovers and a blocked kick that resulted in a safety. It got so bad that backup QB Jim Sorgi entered the game midway through the third quarter. Even Al Michaels sounded disinterested in the game, as each Colt touchdown was met with relative indifference. One has to imagine that the Ravens perceived mistreatment in last Monday’s game was to blame for their lethargic play. Or perhaps it was just the presence of Kyle Boller. Heisman winner Troy Smith saw his first NFL action, which resulted in rushing for a touchdown in a two minute drill. I’m no coach, but if 2 minutes of Troy Smith is more effective than 58 of Kyle Boller, a change has to be made.

Today's Best - 12.09.07

5. minnesota timberwolves - in the most impressive win of the weekend, the timberwolves defeated the suns 100-93 saturday night in minnesota. al jefferson had 32 points and 20 rebounds to lead minnesota to only their third win of the season. this meant coming into the game, the suns had won six times as many games by at least 10 points that the timberwolves had won by at least one. minnesota was obviously not interested in the past and held phoenix to their fewest point total of the year. even more impressively, a 4th quarter where each team only scored 13 points wasn't horribly boring. but i'm afraid the news isn't all rosy for the wolves, because despite being a terrific rebounder and adequate defender, corey brewer is a woefully inaccurate shooter. in the last two games, corey has made 6 of 25 field goals while not connecting on any of his three-point or one-point attempts. corey brewer is shooting as if basketball was a multiple choice test he didn't study for.

4. the legal system - i'm no legal buff, but it appears this weekend was a big one for legal buffs. barry bonds entered a not guilty plea in his first court appearance since being charged with lying under oath about using steroids, michael vick will be sentenced later today for dogfighting, and brandon rush was arrested for failing to appear in court on traffic charges which included driving with a suspended license, speeding, driving on the wrong side of the road, and having no proof of insurance. anyways, since i'm probably not going to understand much of the proceedings of these three cases, i'm just holding out hope that judge dredd is residing over each one. not only would i have a better idea of what is going on, but they'd all end after an hour and a half at which point i'd say "that movie ruled."

3. darren mcfadden - in a season of college football where no team proved anything, it was nice to see the heisman awarded to a player whose production was consistently impressive over the course of the season. it's also nice to see that tim tebow is the next player who must overcome the heisman jinx and not darren mcfadden. this was actually the second year that mcfadden came in second which means over the last two years he's been just good enough to not get jinxed, which i think is the perfect amount of good to be. i don't feel like looking anything up, but i'm going to assume that he's the only player who's ever not gotten jinxed in consecutive years. well i guess thousands of college players don't get jinxed each year. but darren mcfadden's the only one that's got that wood baby.

2. philadelphia 1776ers - the sixers and knicks played twice this weekend and philadelphia won both games comfortably. interestingly, in the first game friday night, the knicks won the first quarter 27-26. unfortunately, the sixers won the next seven quarters while outscoring the knicks by 40 points over that span. it was so bad for the knicks that shavlik randolph played in both games which were the first two games shavlik randolph has played in this year. and now thanks to the knicks, we currently live in a world where shavlik randolph is averaging 24 rebounds and 24 personal fouls per 48 minutes. anyways, after the second game, one in which the knicks lost at home by 28, andre iguodala told reporters, "i don't think the knicks played their best basketball." other revelations iguodala shared included: "water is wet", "the earth is round", and "everyone poops".

1. floyd mayweather - since most of the boxing knowledge i have is from mike tyson's and super punch outs, i'm definitely not someone whose opinion you should seek regarding saturday night's mayweather-hatton fight. by my untrained eye though, it was a pretty entertaining bout and floyd mayweather came out victorious after knocking out hatton 10 rounds after entering the ring with mark cuban and other dancing with the stars castmates. i thought this was a terrific outcome especially considering ricky hatton's contingent of british fans booed the star spangled banner during pre-fight festivities. anyways, if mayweather retires like he continues to hint at, he will do so as the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world. but i remember reading once that ants are actually the strongest creatures in the world in relation to their size. and since i beat up ants like every day, logically, i should be able to easily dispatch pretty boy floyd no problem. unless ants don't weigh 150 pounds like i've been assuming.

Today's Best - 12.06.07

5. jason kidd - after sitting out a game against the knicks with a mysterious migraine, a report surfaced claiming that jason kidd was forcing the nets into a trade. rumor has it that he and lebron james have kept in close contact since the olympic qualifying team in vegas and have exchanged text messages on a regular basis. this lends credence to my theory that lebron james and jason kidd are, in fact, twelve year old girls. regardless, insiders believe that jason is unhappy with the situation in joisey and wants to play alongside king james. you know who else wants to play on lebron's team? me! i say the cavs trade "amon ones" ('cause he has no 'd' and no 'j') for a 24 year old sales consultant. it'd be fun to see jones bumble around at a network design firm. i imagine he'd lead the company in cups of coffee spilled, annoying jokes per meeting, and dress code violations.

4. diehard fans - in weather that was cold enough to turn your red skin blue, the washington native americans defeated the chicago bears 24-16. a friend had an extra ticket, so i was in the stands to see my bears lose all hope of making a playoff run. dc fans weren't overly patronizing; i only got a few shouts here and there and most were of the innocuous "scoreboard" or "championship" variety. i was even offered a friendly wager on the way out of the stadium ("hey urlacher, i'll give you $20 if you punch that guy in the head"). dc fans were eager for a win, and hopefully this can propel them to the final playoff spot. fullback mike sellers understands the importance of making the playoffs and when asked about his team's chances said, "i need vacation money; the playoffs are the extra money you depend on." if mike sellers is hard up for cash, i know a way he can make a quick twenty bucks.

3. drug busts - it has been determined the jose guillen and jay gibbons broke baseball's drug policy and will therefore miss the first 15-games of next season. but with gibbons playing for the orioles and guillen recently signing a contract with the royals, it's not as if their teams were going to win those games, anyway. guillen has long been suspected of steroid use, due to his fiery temper. gibbons, whose claim to fame was appearing in the movie "wedding crashers", has long been suspected of steroid use because he plays professional baseball. while gary matthews, scott schoeneweis, troy glaus, and rick ankiel were also suspects, the investigation did not turn up enough evidence to warrant a suspension. meanwhile, insiders say that the mitchell report will be released before christmas. it's the perfect stocking stuffer for any jaded, cynical know-it-all that likes to ruin things.

2. joe johnson - while it wasn't the big statistical night we've become accustomed to seeing from joe, he hit a jumper at the buzzer to defeat the minnesota timberwolves 90-89. the hawks were forced to play from behind after being outscored 27-8 in the third quarter. head coach mike woodson gave a rousing pep talk before the final stanza when he told his team, "um, we're playing the t-wolves. hello?" the hawks were very disappointed with their performance. after the game, johnson said, "it's got to stop sooner or later man. i honestly thought this was a 25-30 point win for us tonight." josh smith added, "it came down to a game-winner and it shouldn't have." minnesota should start looking for moral victories in limiting the other team to fewer than three disparaging post game comments.

1. villanova - lsu came into philadelphia and outworked nova from the opening tip. they managed to open up a twenty point lead with less than ten minutes to go, and the end seemed to come early for jay wright's wildcats. the crowd began to file out early and those who stayed did so only to rain boos on their home team. do i really need to tell you what happened next? why would i be writing about this if lsu actually cruised to victory? freshman malcolm grant scored all of his 18 points in the final seven minutes and dante cunningham scored on a putback to lead villanova to a 68-67 victory that left john brady's bunch stunned.

Today's Best - 12.05.07

5. Slackers - Anderson Varaejo is back exactly where he started. And his little basketball holdout was apparently just so he didn't have to play basketball for more than a month. the hold out turned useless because after the Bobcats offered Varaejo an offer sheet for 3 years 17.4 million, the Cavaliers matched that offer, binding the floppity power forward to the Cavs a team that he reportedly had no desire to play for. In fact, due to his prolonged vacation, Varaejo could have cost himself a bigger contract. A 3-year 20 million dollar contract was offered to him by the Cavs earlier in the process. I'm not sure if Varaejo's absence has affected teh team much but as of now Cleveland is looking for anything. They now sit 2 games below .500 and have their superstar sidelined with a sprained finger. Maybe their needs will be answered in the form of a well-rested Brazilian.

4. Scoring without a purpose - Allen Iverson recorded his 11th career 50 point game but was outdeuled in the fourth quarter by Kobe Bryant. Iverson scored 33 points in the first half and 49 through three quarters and seemed unconscious to that point, nailing an assortment of jumpers, leaners, fadeaways, floaters and layups. Kobe Bryant held him to just 2 points in the first quarter and scored 12 of his own 25 in the final period to pull the Lakers away for good en route to a 111-107 victory. The fact that it didn't facilitate a win may mean that it was an empty 51 points, but watching the game bought back memories of A.I.'s physical hey-day where he exerted his will on every game, put his team on his tiny frame and carried them to respectability.

3. Marquee Operators - Flipping through league pass last night, in every game outside of Lakers/Nuggets it was impossible to notice the surprisingly low amount of star power. In the Knicks/Nets game, Stephon Marbury was grieving the passing of his father Don, his teammate Eddy Curry tweaked his ankle during a team walk-through and Jason Kidd was away from the team because of a "migraine". The Cavaliers were white-washed by the Wizards as Lebron James missed his fourth straight game with a finger injury. San Antonio had to rely on Manu Ginobili to beat Dallas at home as Tim Duncan sat out with his leg injury, and the Raptors were absolutely plastered by the Suns without their superstar Chris Bosh and their budding 2006 1st round pick Andrea Bargnani.

2. Pat White Haters - Four Heisman trophy finalists were selected yesterday to attend the trophy presentation on Saturday. Although the committee usually selects five finalists, only four were selected this year - a direct slap in the face to Pat White, one of the most dynamic exciting and winning QBs this year. The only real reason for White not being invited could be his team falling short of reaching the National Championship game after a close, yet disappointing loss to Pittsburgh as he battled a late injury. However none of the four finalists, Florida's Tim Tebow, Arkansas' Darren McFadden, Hawaii's Colt Brennan and Missouri's Chase Daniel were as close as White was to leading his team to the BCS Championship. I understand that it was unlikely that he would win, but honestly he has the same chances of winning as the other two finalists not named Tebow or McFadden so why not use one of the available spaces to invite White to the ceremony?

1. Defamation Litigators - George Karl and Pat Riley are among the coaches that will be wearing microphones in Thursday's TNT televised games. This is part of a new initiative by the NBA to offer more transparency on the sidelines and lockerooms by miking coaches and some players during games. Although I think the idea as a whole is kind of dumb, I cant wait for the uproar the first time Pat Riley refers to one of his players as a "fat girl" or George Karl, drops a tightly interlaced offensive string of F-Bombs, C-words, S-words, A-words and Consonant-words in general. Can you imagine what will happen when Phil Jackson decides to test out his whole catalog of Brokeback jokes on national TV. I am also intrigued as to what is said on the bench and kind of wish this silly system was instituted last year so we can learn once and for all what Tim Duncan said that got Joey Crawford so mad that he kicked him out of a game. I bet it was something real degrading like, "Hey Tony, look at Joey's pants, where'd he get those...The Gap?"

The Freshman Fifteen - Week 2

Quang - joe eked out a fluke victory this week and now i will send him him my insincerest congratulations, "not bad, joe... for a beginner." now that that's over with we can focus on the fact that if not for losing free throws by .093 percent, my dominance in fawning over freshman would have continued. but unfortunately, we didn't make the .0465 of a free throw we needed and were instead given a hard dose of reality. in addition to our woes from the stripe, we were hopeless from the field, shooting a combined 42 percent. the primary offenders were oj mayo's 6 of 21 game against kansas and donte green's 1 of 12 performance against tulane. another area of concern for my team is their propensity to not assist their teammates. i'm not sure if this applies only in basketball games or if it extends to real life where eric gordon refuses to hold elevators for his fellow hoosiers. regardless, we had a dismal 12 assists over 10 combined games. joe had two players who recorded 12 assists in a single game while dhivy had another. lastly, a week after singing deandre jordan's praises, he responded by throwing up on himself over the course of two games with averages of 3 points and 2.5 rebounds. but this isn't to say we're panicking. oj mayo is playing well even though i'm still waiting on his first 50 point game. eric gordon is still scoring points by the bus-load and even though he hurt his back earlier this week, he's not expected to stop embarrassing other teams. further, donte green is making contributions across the board and anthony randolph is eating up these nicholls state and south louisiana cupcakes as if they were real cupcakes and not schools. as a whole, my team is scoring fairly efficiently and excelling at hustle stats like steals and blocks. most importantly though, we are far and away the leader in threes. uh, threes are 50 percent more valuable than twos, i'd be a fool not to encourage this behavior.

Joe - We went from worst to first baby! Wooooo! I told you it would happen and now as much as I would like to gloat in the faces of Quang and Dhivy. As far as I see it my team is a group of three, do everything guards and two do everything power forwards. Well, actually the three guards don't really rebound, and the 2 forwards don't pass but whatever, I knew I wasn't going to win rebounds ever when we started this thing and my guards pass so much that my big men don't have to. If this was a real team there would be very few rebound opportunities anyway because this team doesn't miss many of the shots that they take. Before this turns into an all out love fest I would like to rip into my team for the lack of three pointers. I didn't mastermind a team full of guards to lose to Quang in three pointers every week. But whatever, Jonny Flynn has rebounded from his no show performances in week 1 and has proven himself worthy of the 5th pick overall in the draft. I would have picked him 5th and kept him on the team anyway because he wears cool bugs-bunny Jordan 8s in Syracuse colors. Furthermore, what can I say about Patrick Patterson? He is on the worst Kentucky team in recent memory but has decided that that will not stop him from filling up the stat sheet with double doubles, a high FG% and a couple of blocks and steals. Finally it was a foregone conclusion that Justin Burrell was going to be exiled from the squad during the days following the draft, but my homer pick continues to contribute in a big way and has made himself stand out as already the best player on a young St. Johns team. The best is yet to come, I'm aiming for that overall lead this week Quang!

Dhivy - In my fantasy football league's final week, I lost by half a point. This is the second time in three weeks this has happened. So theoretically, I missed the playoffs by two yards. This led me to wonder how much of fantasy sports is determined by luck, and is therefore, out of our control. The logical conclusion is that luck accounts for somewhere between 80 and 100 percent, because that's the only way to justify a team as talented as mine suffering a humbling loss to Joe and Quang. The blame falls squarely on my newest player, Anthony Nelson. While he accounted for nearly half of my assists, he was unable to make a single field goal all week. Had it not been for a 4-4 performance from the charity stripe against Liberty, he would've been completely shutout. Also, he's wearing a tie in his team picture. Hey Anthony, ever heard of a jersey? P'Allen Stinnett from Creighton becomes the latest to try and fill my assist quota, as well as my apostrophe quota. He is able to create off the dribble, shoot from long range, and get into passing lanes. Hopefully, he'll be able to mesh with his teammates faster than Nelson. If not, I'll keep hoping that I can beat these two clowns with a revolving door at point. With down weeks from Calathes and Love, my team never really got out of the gates. We were terribly glaring in the hustle categories and they can expect to get some floor burns in practice this week. While Beasley impressed yet again, he only played once this week and we were unable to capitalize on his presence. Singler had a big performance against Davidson, but I worry that he may be one of those guys who is a better actual player than he is a fantasy player. If that's the case, he may be due for a trip to Imagination Land, hopefully sans terrorists. All I really want from this team is some stability and balance throughout the roster. Otherwise, I'll start running through freshmen faster than a frat house.

Stark Raven Mad

According to recent reports, the New England Patriots defeated the Baltimore Ravens 27-24 on Monday night to keep their unblemished season in tact. The game-winning drive included two crucial fourth downs; one that was converted on a scramble by Tom Brady, and one that was converted on a holding penalty by the Ravens defense. All told, the Patriots were flagged for 13 penalties for a total of 100 yards. Immediately after the game, several players had issues with the officiating, and they have not backed off their stance since. Here's a look at some of the late game madness:

Samari Rolle - Rolle insisted that a referee was antagonizing him, even going so far as to call him "boy". Apparently Samari Rolle does not appreciate having strangers tell him what gender he is. Rolle had this to say post game:

"The refs called me a boy. No. 110 called me a boy. I will be calling my agent in the morning and sending my complaint. I have a wife and three kids. Don't call me a boy. Don't call me a boy on the field during a game because I said, 'You've never played football before."'

The linesman Rolle refers to is named Phil McKinnely, and Rolle was incorrect in saying that he never played football. McKinnely had a three year career in the NFL. I'm sure that Rolle has been called boy before, in instances such as, "what up, boy", "how you doing, boy", and "boy oh boy, this chef boyardee is buoyant, boy," so he must have taken umbrage with an authority figure saying it to him. I've been told there a racial implications with using the word "boy", but both Rolle and McKinnely are black. I thought African-Americans were allowed to say that stuff to each other.

Bart Scott - Bart Scott flipped out when the Patriots scored their go-ahead touchdown. He was immediately called for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing with officials. If you thought that touchdowns make Scott mad, you should see how mad yellow projectiles make him. Scott picked up the flag, turned, and flung it into the stands, drawing a second 15-yard penalty. Even after this debacle, Scott had to be restrained on his way to the sidelines. Hopefully, his tantrum revives people "doing the Bart-man", which now entails acting like an insolent child.

Stephen Gostkowski - After 35 yards of penalties, the Patriots lined up to kick from the Ravens' 35 yard line. Stevie G decided to use this as a platform to audition his kicking skills but ended up pushing the ball wide of the goal posts. Way to make me look bad, Steve. Why didn't the Patriots kick the ball really high and let Randy Moss try and recover it? That works in Madden all the time.

Ray Lewis - Ray Lewis watched his friends murder someone, lied about it, and then testified against them.

Rodney Harrison - There aren't many people who make me as angry as Rodney Harrison. With the Ravens sporting a lead in the fourth, Kyle Boller threw in interception deep in Patriots territory. Harrison then ran at Ravens coach Brian Belick and started mocking him. Belick responded by making kissing faces at Harrison, which was the only logical thing to do. Why is Harrison acting demonstrative toward an opposing coach when his team is trailing? Maybe he got Brian Belick and Bill Belichick mixed up. Go do more drugs, you jerk.

In conclusion, I hate both these teams, but I'm glad the Patriots won. If they're going to be this good, they might as well just go undefeated and break some records in the process. So to all the conspiracy theorists who think the officiating handed the Patriots a win, I have just one thing to say to you: don't call me a boy.

Today's Best 12.04.07

5. Detroit Restaurants - Detroit has been a city in need of a revitalization for a while now. Many an event has been bought to the city in order to jump start the economy, the Superbowl, the MLB all-star game, Wrestlemania. But I think this time the city has finally gotten it right. The Tigers have acquired Miguel Cabrera from the Marlins, and quite frankly, I think my blogging days are over. I'm headed to Detroit to open up a Venezuelan restaurant. I don't know much if anything about Venezuelan food, but I do know that I will have at least one loyal repeat customer. Although Ozzie Guillen said that Miguel has lost around 15 pounds this off-season, I think thats mainly because he hasn't sampled the cuisine at "Jose's Venezuelan Food" right across the street from Comerica Park.

4. Madison Square Garden - it's official, the garden floor breeds turnovers and poor shooting. It's a curse that even the nation's finest freshmen, O.J. Mayo, Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley weren't able to shake in the annual Jimmy V classic. After an impressive first half, Beasley only managed 2 points on 0-7 shooting in the second half as his K-State Wildcats fell to Notre Dame. Squaring off against each other in the late game, Mayo and Rose combined to shoot 9-29 from the floor with 7 turnovers in an ugly Memphis overtime victory.

3. Reggie Evans - Reggie Evans is the basketball equivalent of a replacement level power forward for the Philadelphia 76ers, and we now know for sure that with the naming of former Nets GM Ed Stefanski as the new Sixers GM that Reggie Evans has a job for life. Its well documented that Stefanski who replaces Billy King loves well below average, if not terrible power forwards. This is evidenced by Jason Collins repeatedly being present at the top of the depth chart on a Stefanski built roster. Reggie Evans is averaging 5.3 points and 8.5 rebounds in this young season which is well above Jason Collins' 1.3 points and 2.3 rebounds per game giving Ed Stefanski roughly four Jason Collins in one player! Then again Ed could just decide that Jason Collins is the missing piece of the Philadelphia puzzle and trade the farm for him.

2. Rampant Speculation - for the second straight day the Johan Santana - to - Boston trade speculation endures as the Twins contemplate which if any of the Red Sox' two offers for the lefty they will accept. The drawn out process insinuates that the Twins are waiting for the Yankees to sweeten their deal to include Phil Hughes along with Melky Cabrera and lower level prospects. Although I am no fan of the Yankees, it seems that the Twins are being rather price discriminatory with the team from the Bronx. There is no way that John Lester and the supremely underwhelming Coco Crisp is compensation enough for the best pitcher in the league.

1. Pee Inspectors - stoner running back, Travis Henry won his marijuana suspension appeal today on the grounds that a handpicked expert of his choice was not present to witness the test. Being an expert that gets handpicked to watch someone pee sounds like the worst job of all time, and I am sure the pee expert union is happy that Travis Henry is fighting the good fight for them. While it is rare for the league substance violation rulings to be overturned, Henry may have also stumbled across a way to address one of the other troubling factors in his life, his 9 illegitimate kids. He can simply have his now loyal following over at the pee-inspectors union diversify into conception inspectors, legitimizing any illegitimate kids the back was planning to have in the future.

Buy One, Get One Free

when i found out today that the white sox acquired carlos quentin from arizona, i clapped loudly and screamed "yes! carlos quentin!" my boss came over to see what the commotion was about, and i quickly told him "oh, uh... nothing. i just really love work!" he was as glad to hear that as i was glad to see that the white sox traded for an outfielder that wasn't darrin erstad. we both win! anyways, last year, it became apparent that quentin was the odd man out among a talented diamondbacks outfield featuring justin upton, the next ken griffey jr, chris b. young, the next eric b. davis, and eric brynes, the next baseball player who tries too hard. at the time, i thought arizona would be better off with carlos quentin than eric byrnes roaming their outfield for the next several years, but eric byrnes proved to be the engine behind their surprising playoff berth and the arizona decision makers were inclined to keep him. and upon hearing about byrnes' contract extension i was openly hoping that the white sox could steal away quentin, who was only a year ago very highly ranked. and to my surprise, that's exactly what they did.

more to the point, not fifteen minutes ago, i was just about to excitedly order a new carlos quentin white sox jersey and then send carlos quentin an e-vite to a pizza party at my place to celebrate this great news. unfortunately, in the process of figuring out how i could get carlos quentin's email address, i came across another piece of newer and more distressing news: the marlins traded miguel cabrera and dontrelle willis to the detroit tigers for cameron maybin, andrew miller, and assorted other prospects. my cheerful mood had been replaced with a more sour disposition as my least favorite team acquired the best young hitter in the league. and now after spending the last five minutes fruitlessly looking for ivan rodriguez's email address so i can send him an e-vite to a party where we throw eggs at him, i'm left to stew alone about this horrific turn of events.

last year, the tigers were already a pain to pitch against with brandon inge and sean casey taking their hacks. those two have been effectively replaced by miguel cabrera and edgar renteria, and now detroit's lineup looks absolutely fearsome. the white sox's only hope next year is that along with his bat, miguel cabrera brings his poor eating habits with him to detroit. but based on initial reports, this seems unlikely. i guess those of us looking for a silver lining can point to the fact that the tigers had to give up king's ransom in prospects to acquire these two. maybin has been talked about endlessly for years now and andrew miller is also highly regarded. also, even though i am a big fan of dontrelle willis, he is coming off of his worst major league season and could face a rough transition into the superior american league. and let's not forget that it is the white sox and not the tigers who traded for carlos quentin, who i expect in this upcoming season will pass hank aaron's career home run total while saving kittens from trees in his spare time. so take that.

in summary, whenever you get an incredible talent like miguel cabrera in exchange for several players who were not guaranteed to start next year, your team has significantly improved. therefore, i think it's obvious that the winner of this blockbuster tigers-marlins trade is me. because after ozzie guillen tampers and meddles such that his long-time friend and countryman, miguel cabrera, is on the white sox at the beginning of the season, i am throwing an epic pizza party and you're all e-vited.

Today's Best - 12.03.07

5. miami heat - the jazz beat the dreadful miami heat last night 110-101 in spectacular fashion by recording assists on 38 of 42 field goals. the only jazz baskets that weren't assisted were a deron williams layup, a deron williams dunk, a mehmet okur dunk, and a carlos boozer 14-foot jumper. miami's teamwork paled in comparison as they recorded not a single assist nor a single point. upon further review, they scored 101 points. regardless, it wasn't enough and the heat fell to 4-13 on the season. but with that said, it appears that miami has finally turned the corner as in this game pat riley kept chris quinn on the bench after insanely starting him twice last week. twice!

4. the man - after a disappointing 6-6 season that led to a bid to the las vegas bowl, ucla predictably fired karl dorrell. generally, any circumstance involving going to las vegas is a victory for me, but they apparently have higher standards in los angeles than i do. but other than having a legitimate excuse for going to vegas, one of the more important consequences of this dismissal is that the already low number of black head coaches in college football is lowered by one. and now out of 119 college football programs only five black head coaches remain, sylvester croom of mississippi state, ty willingham of washington, randy shannon of miami, ron prince of kansas state, and turner gill of buffalo. next up on the man's agenda: changing eye black to eye white and making sure adam morrison averages 39 points a game next year.

3. bart scott - jabar gaffney caught the go-ahead touchdown with 44 seconds left in the game as the patriots escaped baltimore with a 27-24 win. this meant of course that both new england's undefeated season and the '72 dolphins sobriety continued for another week. however, the real story was not the patriots tempting fate and somehow avoiding three separate fourth down non-conversions in their final drive. it was instead bart scott's incredible meltdown after the patriots took the lead for good. after this score, scott was flagged for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. either bart scott was still angry about having given up the lead or he thought he could rid any evidence of this penalty, because he immediately picked up the flag and threw it into the stands. he was subsequently flagged for another penalty, though it's unclear whether the refs actually risked another penalty flag in the process.

2. travis outlaw - it's not often that another player overshadows rudy gay especially in a game where rudy goes off for 30 points on 12 of 16 shooting. but travis outlaw managed to do just that as he banked in a runner at the buzzer to beat the grizzlies 106-105. outlaw scored portland's last seven points which included a short jumper over gasol that bounced high off the rim before rattling in with 56 seconds left and then a corner three with 15 seconds left that gave them a short-lived lead. his final two points reclaimed the lead after rudy gay tipped in an errant shot with 2.8 seconds left. when reached for comment, travis outlaw told reporters, "can someone please ask yahoo! sports to stop showing my stats next to pictures of bo outlaw? he's not even in the league."

1. dwight howard - in the most exciting game of the night, the magic beat the warriors 123-117 in overtime to improve their record to 16-4 and 11-2 on the road. this game featured jj redick getting abused in the post and then getting benched, 111 field goal attempts by golden state, seven players on each team in double figures, 65 three point attempts by both teams, and a sequence where orlando made a basket only to see the warriors inbound the ball, shoot a three while the shot clock still read 22, and drain it in front of the loud oakland crowd. other than that, the star of the game was dwight howard even though it took him nearly three quarters to get get into a rhythm, a credit to andris biedrins and the warriors swarming defense. that considered, he still finished with 18 points, 23 rebounds, and 7 blocked shots. he also had 9 turnovers, which was nearly as many field goals he attempted. either dwight howard needs better shot selection or dwight howard needs to learn how to pass out of double teams. of course my favorite part of dwight's night was when he picked up a technical after getting fouled on a put back dunk and then slapped the basketball support because he was mad at himself for missing the dunk. it was the stupidest technical i've ever seen assessed. next time dwight gets a tech, i hope bart scott is around to throw the ref's whistle into the stands.

The End-Around - 12.02.07

Sean Taylor - The pregame ceremonies, the sea of #21 jerseys, and the unbridled emotion that ran through FedEx field made the Redskins 17-16 loss to the Bills an afterthought. The team will fly to Miami for the funeral, then face the Bears on Thursday night in what basically amounts to an elimination game for both teams. As an homage to Taylor, defensive coordinator Gregg Williams called the Redskins first play with only ten players on the field, a symbolic way of saying this he will never be replaced. The tributes continued throughout the game, as Santana Moss flashed the number 21 after many of his catches, and Clinton Portis lifted his jersey to show a Taylor t-shirt after his touchdown. Trent Edwards led the Bills on a drive that was highlighted by a catch down the middle of the field by Josh Reed, and you can't help but wonder what would have happened had Taylor been there to deliver one of his signature knockouts. Joe Gibbs made an unforgivable mistake with his timeouts, resulting in an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty to move the game-winning field goal fifteen yards closer. Who knows, with Sean Taylor's history of late hits, maybe it was Joe's way of saying goodbye to his player.

Jamarcus Who? - Jamarcus Russell, that's who. The first overall pick saw his first game action this week against the Denver Broncos. Russell was 4 of 7 for 54 yards, plus he ran 3 times for 4 yards. But the glory went to 106th overall pick Luke McCown, who threw three touchdown passes to lead the Raiders to victory. On one of his touchdown throws in the third quarter, 40th overall pick Ian Gold hit McCown with an apparent helmet-to-helmet blow, which caused undrafted head coah Lane Kiffin to run onto the field. Who knows, with Sean Taylor's history of knocking offensive players out, maybe it was Ian's way of saying goodbye to a fellow athletic freak of nature.

R-Eli-able Manning - Why is Thursday's game an elimination game for the Bears? Because Eli Manning is the Robert Horry of the NFL. He can bumble around and be useless for three and a half quarters, but if he has the ball in his hands with the game on the line, you're in trouble. Eli led the Giants back from a nine point deficit in the fourth quarter to topple the Bears 21-16. The biggest play of the game took place early in the second quarter, when Devin "Seven" Hester got behind the defense and Rex Grossman hit him with a perfectly placed deep ball. And when I say hit him, I mean just that. The ball hit Hester in the shoulder and bounced away, incomplete. The drive ended with a partially blocked punt from the end zone and the Giants quickly tied the score. Who knows, with Sean Taylor's history of questionable hands, maybe it was Devin's way of saying goodbye to his former University of Miami teammate.

My Oh My, Dolphins - One of my least favorite things about the NFL season is hearing about how the '72 Dolphins drink champagne every time the last undefeated team loses. While the story has probably been blown out of proportion over the years, it still strikes me as a petty thing to do. Which is why I've taken so much pleasure from the dolphins losing their first twelve games to kick this season off. This one was especially humbling, as they were blown out at home by fellow AFC East doormat, the New York Jets. Somehow the Jets offense was able to hang 40 points on an underrated Miami defense. Who knows, with Sean Taylor's history of dominating in the state of Florida, maybe it was Eric Mangini's way of saying goodbye to someone he had no real connection to.

Bush Whacked - The New Orleans Saints were on their way to victory when they handed the game to the Buccaneers. Or to be more precise, they lateraled it to them. Rather than play conservative and sit on the clock with a late lead, Sean Payton decided to play aggressive in his own territory and called for a reverse. However, Reggie Bush's pitch was off-target and the Buccaneers recovered. Jon Gruden in turn played aggressive, passing up a tying field goal to go for it on a fourth down. The Bucs converted and went on to score a game-winning touchdown. The loss was a serious blow to the Saints' playoff hopes, and all but locks up the division for Tampa Bay. Reggie Bush was visibly dejected after his gaffe, and has taken a lot of heat in the press. Who knows, with Sean Taylor's history of game-changing fumble recoveries, maybe it was Reggie's way of saying goodbye to a fellow National Championship winner.

Reggie Wayne in the Membrane - In the biggest match up of the week, the Colts reasserted their divisional dominance by dispatching the Jaguars 28-24. They are firmly in first place and well on their way to a first-round bye, while Jacksonville is now fighting to maintain their wild-card spot. The Jacksonville run defense was stout, holding Joseph "Broseph" Addai to a 3.2 YPC average. And with Marvin Harrison missing his 200th straight game to injury this season, the passing game was expected to struggle against a robust secondary. However, as he has done all season long, Reggie Wayne was able to exploit gaps in the defense and managed to rack up 158 yards through the air. Who knows, with Sean Taylor's history of being awesome, maybe it was Reggie's way of saying goodbye to a fellow University of Miami star.

Today's Best - 12.02.07

5. the san diego padres - lost amid the johan santana trade speculations was jake peavy's contract situation. throughout the season last year, there were persistent rumblings that the padres were not going to be able to afford to re-sign jake peavy given his market worth and the padres' fiscal responsibilities. peavy even spoke out publicly that he didn't think the padres would re-sign him which led to a few inane trade rumors. it appears though, that communism was a red herring as reports have surfaced that the padres and jake peavy are close to a contract extension. this is obviously good news for the padres because it seems obvious to me that when you have one of the top 5 pitchers in the league you should keep him. of course, if you don't keep him, be sure to entertain trades from the yankees and the red sox, because if there's anything we don't hear enough about it's the yankees and red sox getting more baseball players. anyways, the extension would keep the reigning national league cy young winner in san diego tan and navy blue, or sometimes san diego camoflauge or brown or yellow until 2012. hopefully by then, they'll have more reasonable uniform colors.

4. bo outlaw - when the magic traded trevor ariza for maurice evans and brian cook, bo outlaw became an unfortunate roster casualty. but the joke's on orlando, because for the second time in three games, bo outlaw was the portland trailblazers' best player according to yahoo! sports. last night against the spurs, outlaw scored 17 points and grabbed 11 rebounds, while against the pacers a few days earlier he scored a season-high 26 points. even more impressively, bo outlaw doesn't even play for the blazers. travis outlaw does, however, and it seems like this is a simple mix up over at the yahoo! headquarters. so i guess the joke's on bo outlaw.

3. three quarters of the minnesota timberwolves - on friday the minnesota timberwovles played the defending champion spurs. they played valiantly and even held a 80-66 lead in the third quarter before san antonio erased it like the ups guy on those white board commercials. and considering that long-haired know-it-all is probably a terrible basketball player, minnesota should be worried. especially since that one guy finished the game on a 40-11 run against five different timberwolves and won the game 106-91. the news isn't all bad though, because in minnesota's next game they lost 109-80 and got a front row seat to rudy gay's numerous dunks.

2. texas - last night, the longhorns walked out of pauley pavilion with an upset victory over top-ranked ucla. damion james and dj augustin each scored 19 points as they overcame the fact that ucla's alfred aboya was allowed to play in 3-d glasses for much of the contest. the game was back and forth for much of the second half after texas relenquished a 16-point lead and was ultimately decided when james dunked with 8 seconds left in the game. the bruins tried to answer but luc richard mbah a moute missed a three at the buzzer. he had this to say about the final shot, "i shot the ball knowing it was going to go in, it just didn't go in." yes, luc richard mbah a moute, it isn't your fault that your attempt missed since you knew it was going in. it's the ball's fault for not just going in. if the bruins want to reclaim the number 1 spot, they have some serious growing up to do.

1. caron butler's three point shooting - sure, fellow wizard nick young may be grabbing all the headlines after narrowly missing a three pointer at the buzzer against the sixers on friday that would have won the game, but it's caron butler's stellar play in the absence of gilbert arenas that is being overlooked. most impressive is his newest weapon, the three point shot. last year he made only a quarter of his threes. this year he's made well over half of his long distance attempts. over the last six games caron has made 19 threes at an insane 73 percent clip. and this doesn't even include old fashioned three point plays. of course, it's unreasonable for us wizards fans to expect caron to keep up his torrid pace. he'll likely fall back down to a more reasonable percentage and this will likely be around the time nick young starts making 150 percent of his threes.

Bee See Ess

A recent headline on ESPN.com dubbed this weekend's college football slate "Salivation Saturday" by ESPN. Aside from sounding like a blue-plate special at Denny's, I don't see what it has to do with football. Regardless, several championship games and BCS hopes are at stake, and today will decide the fates of many teams. While I don't have any headgear to put on or student sections to antagonize, here are the teams I see walking away victorious.

ACC Championship: Any chance BC quarterback Matt Ryan has at the Heisman is on the line today. While VT lost in Blackburg earlier this season, they were able to hold a shutout for 57 minutes. It took two late touchdowns coupled with a onside kick to knock off the Hokies. Frank Beamer's team has a history of ripping out the hearts of their fans late in the season, but I don't see them losing to the same team twice. But that might be because I'm watching this game blindfolded.

Pick: Virginia Tech 27 - Boston College 20

Big 12 Championship: Another rematch game, in which Oklahoma handed Missouri their only loss of the season. This time around, running back DeMarco Murray will miss the same, which may force Oklahoma into throwing the ball more. Defensively, I worry about their ability to contain Chase Daniels, but in a year full of top seeds being upset, we'd be remiss not to see another one fall today.

Pick: Oklahoma 35 - Missouri 31

C-USA Championship: Tulsa quarterback Paul Smith will be the focal point when they have the ball. The speed of UCF's defense will cause him problems all day long unless they're able to run enough to keep them guessing. Ultimately, their defense will be the Achilles' heel and the inability to stop the ground game will earn the Knights whatever the winner of Conference-USA gets. A gift certificate to Bertucci's, or something, I guess.

Pick: Tulsa 17 - UCF 34

MAC Championship: I've never seen either of these teams play, but Miami's alumni include Ben Roethlisberger, Wally Szczerbiak and Ara Parseghian. Apparently they recruit based on the complexity of a person's last name. "Thunder" Dan Majerle, Chris Kaman, and "Lost" actor Terry O'Quinn each graduated from CMU. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if the monster on "Lost" was actually Chris Kaman.

Pick: Miami (OH) 30 - Central Michigan 24

SEC Championship: LSU started off the season looking like the most invincible team in the country. After their loss against Arkansas, the team is starting to look very vincible. With the news that head coach Les Miles is heading to Michigan, some might expect LSU to be distracted. But anything less than 100% focus on a Tennessee team that's won five straight will result in a loss. Expect a big game from Arian Foster with many assists from Eric Ainge. You see what I did there? Checkmate.

Pick: Tennessee 41 - LSU 38