I received an email this afternoon, informing me that Lastings Milledge had been traded from the New York Mets to the Washington Nationals for Ryan Church and Brian Schneider. When I regained consciousness, I was very upset that they could not get more for him. In previous off-seasons and trade deadlines, Milledge's name has been floated in several trade rumors, many involving top flight starting pitchers. Barry Zito, Dan Haren, Roy Oswalt, Mark Buerhle and Dontrelle Willis are some of the arms that Milledge has been linked to, and he was the centerpiece of trade proposals for Alphonso Soriano and Manny Ramirez. But apparently his value has fallen to that of a replacement-level catcher and an unspectacular outfielder. So how did we get here?
Milledge came up as a heralded youngster, and some within the
organization felt he let it go to his head too soon. He was chastised for many of the things he did, but I saw them merely as youthful exuberance. After hitting a home run in the top of an inning, Milledge once hi-fived the fans down the first base line while running out to right field. For some reason, everyone in baseball had a conniption. Players can perform a complicated handshakes once they get to the dugout, so why doesn't involving the fans (especially kids) count for anything? Admittedly, his ejections were probably not great ideas, but we're still talking about a 22-year-old kid. Perhaps the pressure of New York got to him. Let's hope playing in the dregs of the league will allow him to flourish as a player, and be himself at the same time.
On the surface, this deal makes no sense for the Mets. I have a friend who has an unnatural crush on Ryan Church, but he's by no means a great outfielder. And while Brian Schneider provides stability behind the plate, is he really an upgrade over Ramon Castro or Johnny Estrada? As an added bonus, Chruch and Schneider are each at least 6 years older than Milledge. This trade seems to be motivated by something other than baseball. Management was not happy with Milledge (a.k.a L-Millz) recording a rap album with vulgar lyrics, but was that worthy of shipping him out of town? Maybe Ryan Church put on 20 pounds of muscle this off-season that I don't know about. Maybe Milledge lost his right arm in a boating accident. Maybe Brian Schneider is related to Rob Schneider and can get the team free DVDs of "The Benchwarmers". Whatever the case, I'm sad to see Milledge's value has plummeted this much, and I wish I could still cheer for him.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Fleetings Milledge
The NBAs First Foray Into Relegation
I am in a very tough situation right now. My favorite sports franchise in history was beaten by 45 points by the team I have grown to hate the most so far this year, the Celtics. It was an absolute bloodbath; a whitewashing, a steamrolling and a trouncing. I know that athletes are doing their jobs and it's about money. I always feel that fans that demand that athletes go above and beyond what is required of them need to look at their own jobs and examine whether or not they always get their reports finished before-schedule or always make sure that they change the water jug on the water cooler when it is dangerously low. But what the Knicks did last night wasn't even doing the bare minimum. The Knicks didn't take vacation or a personal day, they didn't call in sick, they didn't show up hours late, hungover and reeking of alcohol, they pulled the prototypical no-call-don't show. That is unacceptable. The performance last night prompted Kevin Garnett to insinuate that Stephon Marbury and some of the Knicks had quit. Regardless of what happens, I will never turn on the Knicks, EVER. The 15 members of the Knicks could posse up and and steal my grandmother's walking stick, or admit to purposely running over my dog when I was six years old and I would tell my grandmother to apologize to them for whatever she must have done to get the Knicks angry at her and lie and say I didnt care about that mutt Max anyway. But even with that said, I need to find a way to put the Knicks on "time-out" for a little while. After some thought I have come up with a solution that i will pitch to David Stern. that solution - relegation. Yep, the Knicks should be relegated, nope not to the NBDL but rather to the WNBA. This solution is fool proof and works on so many levels:
- Knick fans will still have access to the games and wont have to take stomach punches in the form of horrific losses in games that actually matter.
- It will facilitate rising WNBA ratings, David Stern's dream, as people will tune in to see if the Knicks can lose to the Houston Comets.
- Knick fans wont feel bad about rooting for a different, more relevant team because the Knicks arent even in the NBA anymore.
- Vicious media types can credit Isiah Thomas for the trifecta, ruining the CBA, NBA and WNBA.
- The Knicks, wandering hands and inappropriate hugs will be chalked up to good defense.
- It'll be like the classic movie Juwanna Mann, but without drag. So maybe the Knicks will learn to be a kinder, more sensitive team by the end.
To keep integrity of the NBA there will be no promotion into the league by existing WNBA teams, and the Knicks will be able to gain re-entry whenever I see fit. But for now this is the only acceptable way to ensure the Knicks can't embarrass me and everything I stand for on a national stage. I'll let you know what Commissioner Stern thinks of the idea, in the mean time I'm gonna go watch Juwanna Mann.
Today's Best - 11.29.07
5. nate robinson - it's hard to have anything positive to point to when your team combines to score only 59 points en route to a 104-59 defeat to the hands of the hated celtics. but the seemingly meaningless 37-foot 3-pointer that nate robinson drilled at the end of the game ensured that the knicks exceeded the franchise record low of 58 points. it also ensured that the knicks finished the game with at least one player in double figures. i'm no elias sports bureau, but i can't imagine a team goes an entire game without a single player scoring at least 10 points very often if ever. so thanks to nate robinson's heroics, the knicks narrowly avoided joining that club. instead they joined the "teams that play so poToday'orly that eddy curry somehow had a +/- of -36, while malik rose led the team with a +/- of -4" club.
4. chi mcbride - with the news that hbo is planning to make a movie based on "game of shadows", it marks barry bonds' first return to the big screen since 12-year old henry rowengartner struck him out in "rookie of the year". of course, it is unlikely that he plays himself in this movie like he did in that movie some 14 years ago which means the coveted role of barry bonds will have to be filled by someone else. and for whatever reason, the first large, bald, black actor that came to mind was chi mcbride, who coincidentally played a character named barry in the film "let's go to prison". and since barry bonds was recently indicted and could become a real-life barry who goes to prison, i think this is too perfect not to work. but that's also what i said this morning about using ketchup instead of milk in my cereal so what do i know?
2. every person on earth that isn't on the denver nuggets - not only did the nuggets lose 127-99 to the lakers last night they did so while allowing sasha vujacic to score a career-high 22 points. this is completely unacceptable. sasha vujacic's previous career high was a game where he scored zero points but had several shots that hit the square on the backboard. but tonight, he scored 19 points in the fourth quarter alone. and if we extrapolate his gaudy fourth quarter numbers over a full game, he would have lit up denver for 76 points, 8 rebounds, 12 assists, and 8 personal fouls. that's how bad it was. conclusion: if the nuggets want me to take them seriously as western conference contenders they need to stop making basketball players who are barely better than a pickle jar look like pickle jars that are incredible at basketball.1. carmelo anthony - carmelo finished with 23 points on a super-efficient 11-15 shooting but more importantly, in the fourth quarter he was ejected for a flagrant foul when he hit sasha vujacic in the throat. whether or not it was intentional is not important. what is important is that sasha vujacic got hit in the throat and then went on to score seven more points, which is clear evidence that his 22 point outburst steroid related. what other explanation can there be when last night, three sasha vujacics would have beaten the new york knicks by seven points? especially since on any other night, it would take one billion sasha vujacics just to screw in a light bulb. anyways, i'm hoping that hbo has taken notice so that sasha vujacic will be included in their "game of shadows" movie adaptation and is played by air bud.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Today's Best - 11.28.07
5. rashard lewis - in his first return to seattle since signing with orlando, rashard lewis drained 3 of 19 field goal attempts and helped his new team beat his old team 110-94 instead of by a larger margin. lewis' contributions, however, go far beyond the box score because his endless misfiring shifted the spotlight to dwight howard. and in his first game back after failing to reach double digit points for the first time this season, howard responded with a career-high 39 points on 12 of 17 shooting to go along with 16 rebounds and five blocks. it was the fifth time this season that he blocked at least as many shots as he missed. in these games, the magic are undefeated. if stan van gundy was smart, the only shots he'd allow dwight howard to take would be put-back dunks off of rashard lewis' missed field goals. foolproof.
3. military intelligence - the virginia military institute defeated columbia union college by a score of 74-38. then the second half started. even though the pioneers managed an impressive 53 points in the second stanza, vmi went on to win by a final score of 156-91, setting school records for most points and margin of victory. this was 99 points more than vmi scored in it's previous game, a loss at ohio state. chavis holmes was one of seven keydets in double digits and led the way with 27 points. his twin brother travis holmes and reggie williams also topped 25, and each averaged over one point per minute. vmi led this game in nearly every statistical category. they made 20 threes, had 30 offensive rebounds compared to columbia's 26 defensive rebounds, and forced the pioneers into a mind-numbing 44 turnovers, led by tim turner with 13. to give you an idea of the talent disparity between the two teams, i had to go to the school's website to find out turner's first name, because espn only has player cards for two of columbia's players. and their website spelled "lose" wrong. i'm assuming the pioneers warm up to the "benny hill show" theme song.2. cleveland's options 2 through 15 - after two quarters in the pistons-cavaliers game last night, detroit was modestly ahead 48-43. and because lebron james sprained his finger late in the second quarter which put an early end to his night, cleveland's other players finally got the chance to prove their worth in the second half. and prove it they did, as they were handily outscored, 61-31. hopefully this is the evidence that finally convinces danny ferry to make a move to improve this anemic supporting cast. and if not, hopefully he'll let the supporting cast play while wearing supporting casts.
1. stevie franchise - before last nights game against the suns, houston's steve francis had played a total of 51 minutes. he played more than half of his season total to that point with 27 quality minutes last night and contributed in a huge way to the Rockets 100 - 94 victory. francis filled up the stat sheet with 9 points, 7 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals and 2 blocks and at some times made quick moves to the basket that reminded viewers of his previous tour of duty with the rockets. as much as we laud dunks, and ill-advised threes on this blog, there still is a special place in every basketball fan's heart for an ankle popping crossover and steve francis was a tenured professor in crossoverology. in fact steve executed my favorite crossover of all time when he crossed over derek anderson 3 times in the same play (30 seconds in), passing up open shots/drives twice just to prove the point that if he wanted to he could embarrass derek anderson for the remainder of the 24 second shot clock. however, just to let rockets fans know, this new incarnation of steve francis has these rebirths from time to time, but based on his stint as a knick last year he is bound to return to his out of shape, slow, careless form just as quickly as he seemed to turned the light switch on last night.Wednesday, November 28, 2007
The Freshman Fifteen - Week 1
Joe: Although i finished dead last this week, I am happy with my team's performance. I am chalking the poor showing in the standings up to me having only 10 games, while those two clowns, Dhivy and Quang had 15 and 13 respectively. Not even this awesomely constructed team can overcome 5 games worth of accumulated stats. I am also chalking up my loss to Jonny Flynn and Derrick Rose deciding to take Thanksgiving week off. Now that holiday tournaments are over, I should be on even footing. Jerryd Bayless had a 20, 9 and 9 performance which leads me to believe that he is almost as good as Lebron James; in fact if Lebron went to college he would be Jerryd Bayless – that’s my story and I'm sticking to it. Also of note is my sleeper pick, St. John's Frosh Justin Burrell blossoming into a double-double machine, allow me to pat myself on the back for my foresight. I also want to send a warning out to any of our readers from Lexington Kentucky, make sure you hide all your valuables because Patrick Patterson is a dirty thief! What power forward gets 5 steals in a game? It's unheard of. I didn't get to see the Kentucky game against Texas Southern, but I did watch Home Alone last week and cant help but imagine that Patterson played the whole game with a wool burglar's mask on, leaving faucets running and referring to himself as a Wet Bandit.
touchdowns. so i decided to sacrifice one of my big men and dropped kosta koufos. while i loved his efficiency and toughness on the block, i felt like our goofy white guy quota was about to reach hazardous levels. as an added benefit, it will hopefully stop quang from calling my team 'costco'. in dire need of a guard, i selected anthony nelson from niagara. while not as highly touted as other freshmen, he's started the season with a well-rounded 7 points, 6 assists, and 4 rebounds per, along with 2+ steals. assuming nelson can avoid any waterfall-related injuries, he and slick nick should keep me competitive with my guard-heavy adversaries. calathes has been steady at best, but i'm expecting an uptick in his performance. beasley and love have established themselves as solid big men and i'm expecting double-double-doubles the rest of the way. i know Beasley only scored thirteen against rider, but i’m convinced he actually scored ‘thirty’ and the guy who wrote the box score just heard it incorrectly. and i'd be more excited about love, but he plays all his games after my bedtime. the potential pitfall for this team is the inconsistency of kyle singler. of course, if i can blame all my problems on someone from duke, i'll consider it an moral victory. and if singler gets a lot of 'steals' this week, would that be an 'immoral' victory? pun and done.
category and in doing so, we exemplified our team's motto: "don't finish last, you idiots." at first glance this team seems very balanced, which is unlike how most things that i'm involved with end up. of course, this obviously means that i'm going to rest on my laurels and become smugly complacent in the upcoming weeks, which is more like how most things that i'm involved with end up. but when all of my players are studs and hunks and dream boats, who can blame me? oj mayo excelled despite coming off the bench one game because tim floyd was playing god. eric gordon is pouring it in and wearing a t-shirt under his jersey, which is one of my favorite things about college basketball. donte green is overshadowing his freshman teammate on syracuse who also happens to be on joe's team and anthony randolph is blocking shots like a man possessed. though so far, my favorite development in this young season is texas a&m bully deandre jordan who is shooting .879 from the field and .182 from one. in six games so far he has missed four field goals (two layups and two jumpers) and 18 free throws (18 free throws). of his 29 made shots, 11 are layups and 15 are dunks. at one point he had made 18 consecutive shots over the span of five games. during the same time frame, he missed 16 of 19 free throws. this is the coolest thing i've ever heard and the coolest thing you've ever heard. and all this considered, i'm not changing a thing. i expect by this time next week, i'll be talking about how oj mayo hung 50 on some poor team and the game where deandre jordan started dunking his free throws. 
Today's Best - 11.27.07
5. Wisconsin Badgers - You may be asking yourself how a team can get beat by 24 points on the road at Cameron Indoor and be deserving of a top spot. My advice to you would be to stop talking to yourself before people start to notice that you're a blithering lunatic.
As a rule, any time a team can open a gash on the face of a Duke freshman, it's enough to make me take notice. Kyle Singler returned to action and finished the game with 13 points, more than any player for Wisconsin was able to contribute. Maybe this is the year Duke returns to elite status and wins a National Championship for the first time since 2001. Seriously? Six years without a title? Quit napping on the job, Krzyzewski.
4. Lebron James - Lebron James is so good it makes me want to wait thirty minutes between eating and swimming. Along with double-doubles from Big Z and Fairly Large D, James' 38 points and 13 assists were enough to hand the Celtics only their second loss of the season. It's getting to the point that I'm not even surprised when Lebron has a game like this. We might as well just start calling this section "Today's Lebron" and include details on what Lebron wore to the stadium, what he thought about while pretending to listen to Damon Jones, and how many backflips he did when Andy Varejao refused to play for the Cavaliers. Instead I'll point out that the game would have been very different if not for two missed clutch free throws by 89% shooter Ray Allen. More like "He Got Lame"!
3. Al Groh - Amidst the carnage of Dennis Franchione, Bill Callahan, Houston Nutt, Chan Gailey and others, it's nice to see a university show some devotion to their football coach. Virginia extended Groh's contract by one year, keeping him in Charlottesville through 2011. I've been a fan of Groh since his arrival and the accompanying mockery of Virginia's fans. Ties and sports coats used to be the norm at home games, but Groh has been able to sway the student section away from a business casual mindset. The timing of the move is somewhat puzzling, as the Cavaliers are coming of a loss to the rival Hokies. Perhaps the UVA alumni are content with losing by double digits to their neighbors to the south. Wahoowa.
2. Dan Haren - Rumors continue to swirl about where Johan Santana might land, but the biggest winner might end up being the righty from Oakland. The Yankees continue talks about Johan, and fearing that they don't have the prospects to top a potential offer, the Mets have turned their attention to Haren. While Santana had a bit of a down year, Haren had better numbers in terms of starts, innings pitched, home runs surrendered, and ERA. Plus he's and year and a half younger and is under contract until 2011. While Santana is going to cost a king's ransom to pry away from the Twins, Haren could be available for a jester's court. Perhaps I don't really understand how things worked in medieval times, but that sounds like a bargain to me.
1. Helio Castroneves - The Indy driver became the latest b-lister to win "Dancing with the Stars", in an upset victory over former Spice Girl Melanie Brown. The victory was classified as an upset primarily because anyone who actually watches this show must be very upset with their life. In an effort to corner the market on pseudo-sports, Helio has signed on for two new shows, "Celebrity Ping-Pong" and "Megastar Monopoly". How did a Brazilian person manage to win a dance contest? Based on my knowledge of South American athletes, I can't imagine Castroneves managing to stay on his feet long enough to finish a mamba. Unless the floptrot was an event, I smell judging scandal.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I Still Miss Sean Taylor
it's always tough to know the right things to say when an athlete dies. is it ok that we sometimes care more about an athlete's passing than the countless other anonymous people who tragically die every day? is it accurate when people say "it's not a sports story" when we wouldn't even know about them if not for their sports career? these are questions that i'm not smart nor insightful enough to provide answers to. the only thing i know at this point is that i woke up this morning and my favorite football player did not. and now, maybe or maybe not justifiably, i'm heartbroken.
when i initially read that sean had been shot in his miami home, for whatever reason, i wasn't exceptionally concerned. the report said he had been shot in his leg and i ignorantly assumed he'd be fine. wizards forward andray blatche was shot in the chest a few years ago and he's since made a full recovery, paul pierce was stabbed in the face and he looks exactly the same as before, even joey porter got shot in his buttocks and has lived to tell about it even though no one is particularly fond of stories involving joey porter's buttocks. with that in mind, i thought sean would make a similar recovery and besides, if there was anyone who could survive a gunshot it was the invincible sean taylor.
instead, the local radio reports regarding his health persisted and though he remained in critical condition, i remained optimistic that he'd make a full recovery. when i was writing the most recent today's best entry late last night, i even considered including sean based solely on the positive reports of his improved signs of responsiveness. i ultimately decided to hold off until what i assumed was his inevitable and forthcoming hospital release before i began to sing his praises and predict that in his next game he'd record 15 sacks, two of which would be of jason campbell. so i went to bed satisfied about a paragraph i wrote about mud. when i woke up, i couldn't believe what i was hearing. i sat helplessly on my bed in stunned silence shaking my head for fifteen minutes. i was confused, bewildered, angry, and emotional. i wanted to go back to sleep hoping that when i woke up, espn's breaking news wasn't about sean taylor dying, but about sean taylor dodging gunfire, hit sticking these burglars into submission, and saving christmas. it was unfortunately the last desperation of a stubborn man and an outcome that i never even seriously considered had just become a horrible reality. i was sick to my stomach.
anyways, i'm sure you're familiar with the latest details surrounding this upsetting death by now. so instead of depressing myself further and telling you things that can easily be found on credible websites, i'd much rather celebrate my favorite memories involving sean taylor that you can only find on in-credible websites. because ever since he was drafted, he became many redskins fans' favorite redskin and in my case, he became my favorite football player. though i doubt i'm the biggest sean taylor fan, i'd like to believe i'm one of the most irrational and blindly loyal. as such, here are a few moments that i'll always remember from his all too brief time in my life.- before the 2004 draft, my roommate and i were hopeful that kellen winslow would fall to washington. we knew that drafting his miami teammate was the smarter move, but we were too enthralled with junior winslow's unique skill set and unique press conference where he famously declared himself a soldier. thankfully for the redskins, they don't consult us for these decisions and with the 5th pick of the draft sean taylor became a redskin.
in fall 2004, i went to the redskins store in the mall with the sole purpose of buying a sean taylor jersey. sean taylor's freakish and reckless play had endeared himself to me and i decided to support him in jersey form. as i was paying, the employee at the register said to me, "nice, i've been meaning to get a sean taylor jersey too." i thought to myself, "uh, i didn't ask for your life story. just ring me up so i can pretend i'm sean taylor already." he did and i did.- in the final game of sean taylor's rookie season, my brother and i went to landover to watch the redskins-vikings play in person. we had somehow acquired field level tickets and watched up close as sean tossed randy moss around. the redskins eventually won and randy moss left the field before the game ended drawing the ire of football purists who don't understand the concept of beating the rush. more importantly though, with our seats we got free hot dogs which i assume were courtesy of sean taylor.
- one year i participated in a fantasy football league with individual defensive players. in the second round of the draft i took sean taylor. after the draft, another team offered me a trade that would send sean taylor to his team for his first 10 draft picks. i smartly declined and began the season on a very long winning streak before my season collapsed when it was apparent i hadn't surrounded sean taylor with enough talent.
- in a playoff game in 2005 against the buccaneers, marcus washington recovered a fumble and then fumbled it himself. sean taylor flew in, picked up the ball without breaking stride, and streaked into the end zone. if i had five dollars for every high five i gave after that play, i'd have made like $35. this would have put me halfway closer to a more recent sean taylor jersey which reflected his number change at the beginning of this year.
- during last year's pro bowl, sean taylor leveled an afc punter so hard that the punter ran over and congratulated him. the same punter also later congratulated sean taylor for curing diabetes, so take that for what it's worth.
in madden 08, i created a team and after a fantasy draft, sean taylor was inserted as the fairfax megamen's starting free safety. i soon figured out that when you add a created team in franchise mode, the players on that team are duplicates. as you would expect, i took full advantage as my defense boasted two sean taylors in its starting secondary. not one to waste time trying to tame all madden, i played a season on pro level and the sean taylors combined for 40+ interceptions. i'm 24 years old.- earlier this year against the packers, sean taylor intercepted brett farve twice during one of those games where brett favre just has more fun than everyone else. during this game, sean also had a chance to intercept two or three other passes which would have almost certainly resulted in the first game that ended with someone other than brett favre having the most fun. sean taylor is the best.
if it's not obvious, sean taylor was one of my favorite things about sundays and pretty much every other day of the week as well. his loss, in every sense imaginable, is devastating and he, in every sense imaginable, is irreplaceable. i'm not really sure what else there is to say because after a full day of work, i still feel miserable. but i guess it's hard to feel anything else when someone you've rooted so hard for is suddenly murdered as yet another grim and unnecessary reminder that it's a despicably cold world out there. a cold world that cuts short lives full of potential. a cold world that takes a young father away from his daughter before her 2nd birthday. and unfortunately, a cold world in which life will continue even after this senseless death.one day i'm sure i'll move on and instead of getting hopelessly sad when i remember sean taylor, i'll smile fondly. maybe it'll be when i tell my kids stories about how great sean taylor was. maybe when it'll be when i see my kids wearing an old sean taylor jersey. or maybe it'll be when i explain to my kids how their mother and i almost got a divorce when i told her i wanted to name each of them "the invincible sean taylor". one day.
R.I.P Sean Taylor
Pro-Bowl Redskins Safety, Sean Taylor died early this morning a day after being shot in the femoral artery during a burglary attempt in his Miami home. The outlook looked bleak Monday as all reports were being described as "critical or touch and go" but the late news was encouraging as, Taylor was reportedly able to make hand signals and facial expressions. This morning i awoke to the loudest "Ohhhh, God!" ever when my roommate, was texted the news, and knowing that his favorite NFL player was in critical condition, I immediately new what had happened. The 24 year old Taylor was well on his way to becoming the best safety in the NFL and, was beginning to coordinate his hard-hitting reputation with some of the more subtle nuances of the safety position. We send our deepest condolence to the Taylor family, the Redskins and the NFL community as a whole...
Today's Today's Best - 11.26.07
4. marko jaric - in addition to helping beat the hornets 103-94 last night, the mediocre timberwolf is also apparently dating supermodel adriana lima. the mediocre timberwolf has also apparently not told adriana lima what he does for a living, because if she knew how poorly he often plays basketball i doubt she'd be very interested. this is where my attempt at trying to knock marko jaric down a couple pegs ends because landing a brazilian supermodel is pretty impressive. and besides, if we're lucky, the news of this jaric-lima power couple will send eva longoria into a jealous fit of rage. and in order to reclaim media attention, she is seen canoodling with a certain blogger for this website.3. beno udrih - in a game against his former employer beno udrih led the kings to a 112-99 win. the spurs had no answer for beno udrih who scored a career high 27 points. the spurs having no answer for beno udrih is like a very good math teacher having no answer for a very simple math problem, like "if beno udrih usually misses every shot he takes throughout the 30 minutes he averages a game, how many minutes should beno udrih usually play?" well if you answered zero minutes, you aren't reggie theus and you wouldn't have ignored conventional wisdom to beat the spurs.
2. the cleveland cavaliers - anytime anderson varejao says "i don't want to play there anymore" where "there" is the city your basketball team is in, i think it's a win. that's why if i were a cavalier fan, right now i'd be overjoyed to hear that varejao feels that he has been treated so unfairly by danny ferry that he has no interest playing for cleveland again. but i'm not a cavs fan, i'm only someone who wishes to never see varejao play another nba minute because he makes me so angry i want to eat an entire hornet's nest. there are those who will argue that anderson varejao brings a lot of intangibles to the table. but from what i can tell these intangibles include energetic and frequent flopping and the table in which varejao brings these intangibles is probably laying upside down with all four legs in the air after trying to take a flop.
1. mud - as if it thought we forgot about it, mud decided to reinsert itself into our world on the grand stage that is monday night football. heavy rain made the field conditions miserable which also resulted in a final score of pittsburgh 3, dolphins 0, mud 49. the first points didn't happen until 17 seconds remained in the game, but by then the game had been long decided because i decided to watch something else like two hours earlier. "ugh, anything is better than this mud-day night football game," i thought to myself. pleased that i could come up with something so clever, i spent the next ten minutes telling other people things like "man, talk about mud-day night football!" and "this mud-day night football game sure is 'mud see tv!'", and "the steelers are getting away with mud-der!" no one commented about how clever i was at the time, but i think that's partly because they immediately called their friends to tell them how clever i was.Yesterday's Today's Best - 11.25.07
5. george mason - en route to a third place finish in the old spice classic, george mason handed michael beasley what is likely to be his only loss in a competitive basketball game over the next five years. beasley finished with 30 points which paled in comparison to the 87 total points george mason rang up on the strength of all five starters scoring in double figures. even more impressive, gmu won despite having a player who tried to pass the ball to a ref thinking it was a teammate at the end of the game.
3. the golden state warriors - over the extended holiday weekend, golden state went on a five game road trip where they finished 4-1 and even twice held their opponent under 100 points. interestingly, stephen jackson's return from suspension has coincided with the warriors' return to .500. it has also coincided with the warriors' return to using straight jackets instead of warm ups. i guess that's unfair because so far jackson has been a model citizen and it appears he is finally matured under don nelson. of course he also got a tattoo of a gun in the offseason to remind him not to use guns.
1. lebron james - according to lebron james, i don't want to be lebron james, i want to be better than lebron james. well maybe lebron james wants to be better than lebron james, but i would gladly settle on being lebron james, especially after a weekend that included back to back triple doubles. if he records a triple double in only seven more consecutive games he'll tie wilt chamberlain's nba record of longest continuous triple double streak with nine. and if lebron james sleeps with about 19,500 more women, he'll tie another dubious wilt chamberlain record.Monday, November 26, 2007
Heismania - 11.25.07
Pat White is the best player in the nation - Pat White led his West Virginia Mountaineers directly into the talk for National Championship candidacy with a dominating performance against the Connecticut Huskies on Saturday. The quarterback threw for 1 TD and ran for 186 yards and two more TDs en-route to a 66-21 steamrolling of a surprise Huskies team. In the meantime, White bolstered his Heisman candidacy; prompting Connecticut coach Randy Edsall to endorse White for the award. Its kind of like nominating the person who just assaulted and battered you for a good Samaritan award. Either way, White's disgusting, team leading, 1,144 rushing yards to go along with his 1,498 passing yards from the QB position as well as his team's position in the rankings, gives white a legitimate chance of winning the coveted Heisman hardware.
Wait, Darren McFadden is the best player in the nation - In the best game of the week, if Darren McFadden didn't prove why he is Heisman worthy, he most definitely proved why he should be the hands down number one pick in the 2008 NFL draft. The three overtime thriller ended with LSU's QB Matt Flynn throeing a crippling interception in the end-zone while trying to convert a mandatory 2pt conversion. McFadden ran for 206 yards and 3 TDS and took the snap directly several times even throwing a TD. This performance not only upended the number one team in the nation, but also put Ricky Williams on notice that hes going to have a new running mate in the backfield next year.
But, what about that guy in Hawaii? - Colt Brennan kept his name squarely within the Heisman discussion with his performance in toppling last year's WAC champions, Boise State in Hawaii's 39 -27 win. Brennan threw for six yards short of 500 and 5 TDS in breaking BYU's Ty Detmer's mark for career passing touchdowns. Brennan cruised past the record when he threw his 122nd TD pass in the first quarter and now sits at 126. While Brennan is a longshot to win the Heisman, the Warriors are one win away from securing a second BCS game bid for the WAC. Hawaii faces Washington in their final regular season game.
All that is irrelevant because Tim Tebow is winning the Heisman - Tim Tebow is making it awfully hard for voters to not make him the Heisman winner as he now has accounted for 51 of Florida's TDs throwing for 3 and running for another 2 against in-state rival Florida State. Personally I have a personal gripe with Tebow, as he ruined Chris Leak's chance of being recognized as "the guy" who led Florida to their National Championship last year, but it's kind of hard to argue with his numbers and his leadership of this team. While they will most likely fall short of receiving a BCS invitation, Tebow is probably the most deserving candidate and if his success continues in future seasons, voters won't be able to hide behind the fact that he is an underclassman.
Missouri must be stopped - I was going to comment on the travesty that the winner of the Kansas Missouri game this past weekend will have a very good chance of being in the National Title game, but I like probably most of our readers was in a turkey comma for most of the weekend. Regardless, the winner turned out to be Missouri and while I like the Cinderella story as much as the next guy who really wants to sit down and watch either of these teams in the National Championship? There would be no Vince Young vs. USC, there wont be a Heisman lock vying for team hardware, it would basically be Missouri or Kansas getting trounced by another team that happens not to be in the very disappointing Big 12. Now we have to hope that another Big 12 team, Oklahoma, steps up and cuts Missouri off at the pass in the Big 12 championship game, so hopefully we see West Virginia vs. Ohio State or some other bearable, star-filled BCS championship.
The End-Around - 11.25.07
Bear Down – As a lifelong Bears fan, watching a team with this much talent struggle to achieve mediocrity has been difficult. But with their season hanging in the balance, Chicago staged a late fourth quarter comeback to force overtime and keep their slim playoff hopes alive with a 37-34 victory over Denver. Special teams enthusiast Devin Hester returned a punt and a kickoff for touchdowns, and Charles Tillman blocked a punt to set up another score. Trailing by 14 after a juggling catch by Tony Scheffler, the Bears scored twice in the final six minutes, including a fourth and goal touchdown to Bernard Berrian with 0:30 left on the clock. He’s the pride and joy of Illinois. 
So Viking We Todd Ed – Eli Manning threw four touchdowns, one of which was to a teammate. The opportunistic Vikings defense scored on three picks and sent the Giants to their second loss in three games. The tone was set early on a 60-yard touchdown to Sydney Rice, whose name I can’t say without thinking about the Amanda Bynes movie “Sydney White”. Manning attempted to answer reporters’ questions after the game, but in the middle of one of his sentences, Antoine Winfield burst in, took the microphone from Eli and returned it for a touchdown. Tom Coughlin was not amused.
I Left the Ball in San Francisco – Kurt Warner has to be the most maddening player in the league. He threw for nearly 500 yards but after fumbling in the end zone in overtime, the 49ers recovered and won 37-31. This screwy game included a converted Hail Mary to Larry Fitzgerald 
to close out the first half, 18 tackles by rookie Patrick Willis, and a missed game winning field goal by the league sexiest man, Neil Rackers. Arizona outgained San Fran by 178 yards, but four turnovers were too many to overcome. You know you’ve hit a new low when Trent Dilfer is consoling you.
It Could’ve Been Worse – On November 23rd, 1997, Gus Frerotte celebrated a touchdown scamper by slamming his head against a concrete wall in an attempt to paralyze himself. Ten years later, he’s trying his best to change his legacy from one of touchdown-related ineptitude to one of touchdown-preventing ineptitude. Playing for a concussed Marc Bulger, Gloomy Gus fumbled the snap on a fourth and goal from the Seahawks one yard line and the Rams lost 24-19. It’s almost as if he and Kurt Warner are playing an elaborate, high-stakes game to see who can anger the most fan bases.
Jagsonville Jackuars – While the Patriots, Cowboys and Packers have loudly earned their reputation as top contenders, the Jaguars have quietly moved to 8-3 and now have the third best record in the AFC. A crucial matchup against Indy next week could determine home field advantage, and a possible first-round bye. Head coach Jack Del Rio’s move to start David Garrard was questioned at first but through eleven games, Garrard has yet to turn the ball over. Meanwhile, golden boy Tom Brady has thrown five interceptions and lost a fumble. So who’s the real MVP?
A Black guy named Chad? – With the year that teammate Touraj Houshmandzadeh is having, and the numbers that fellow wideouts Randy Moss and Terrell Owens are putting up, Ocho Cinco has become a bit of an afterthought this season. Thanks to a 12 catch, 103 yard, 3 touchdown, 1 unsportsmanlike conduct performance, this is one Chad that is no longer left hanging. Remember when Johnson claimed he had end zone celebrations planned for sixteen games this year? He’s scored touchdowns in three games this year. I assume he was including the Pro Bowl, father-son picnics, flag football games, and regional Madden tournaments.
Hell to the Redskins – Washington lost 19-13 against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but more important is the health of safety Sean Taylor. Taylor was shot in an alleged burglary attempt at his Miami home. He is currently in critical condition and we’re all praying for a full recovery, so he can get back to hunting down punters.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Today's Best - 11.20.07
5. larry johnson - with the news that priest holmes' neck injury symptoms have reemerged, larry johnson has once again broken out of holmes' shadow. unfortunately for chiefs fans, johnson will miss another game this week as he continues to rehab his foot. even more unfortunately for chiefs fans, holmes will announce his retirement today after feeling tingling in his extremities during their game against the colts. holmes had a fantastic career, netting over 11,000 yards from scrimmage and scoring 94 touchdowns in just over 100 games. an avid collector, he also managed to collect over 10,000 maps. i guess now that he's retired, holmes can finally find that buried treasure he's always talking about.
4. huge white guys - wladamir klitschko and sultan ibragimov have agreed to a february 23rd unification bout, the winner becoming the heavyweight champion recognized by two of boxing's four governing bodies. they have also agreed that this fight will involve the most misspelled promotional posters ever. ibragimov is fresh off a dominating effort against evander "what's his appeal" holyfield, while dr. steelhammer's last prescription was a revenge victory over lamont brewster. although the heavyweight division has lost some of its luster over the past few years, a unification match could bring back a glimpse of the glory days. but the safer bet is probably to just watch "heavyweights" and laugh at everything ben stiller does. those kids were so fat.
3. amare stoudemire - usually known for dunking basketballs so hard that steve nash's socks fall off, amare saved the day for the suns with a last second block of john salmons potential game-winning three to preserve victory for the suns. among his 26 points were the final six straight for phoenix. in what was obviously pun intended, head coach mike d'antoni said that the suns' defense was what really "spurred" them. he went on to tell reporters that their big three of nash, marion and stoudemire brought them some "celtic" luck and that their awful fourth quarter was a result of being "bull"-ied.
2. patty mills - if i said the name 'patty mills' out loud, what would be the first image that pops into your head? for me, it is an overweight british nanny with glasses that have a chain on the ear pieces. which makes the fact that patty mills scored 37 points to lead saint mary's over oregon all the more impressive. the australian freshman helped the gaels notch their first win over a ranked opponent in three seasons with the sixth-best scoring performance in saint mary's history. if there's one thing that i'm thankful for it's that college students across the country have started rushing the court. if there's one thing i'm not thankful for, it's that all three of us were too stupid to draft patty mills.
1. jimmy rollins - the philadelphia shortstop earned the nl's most valuable player award by edging out matt holliday and prince fielder. rollins' play led the phillies to a late-season surge to overtake the new york metrosexuals and qualify for the playoffs. holliday would have been the better choice had mvp stood for "matt's very personable", while i would've taken fielder if it stood for "must vanquish pizzas". and in an effort to further damage the legitimacy of the award, a writer awarded a vote to cubs' relief pitcher carlos marmol. though he did lead the league in era (1.23) and have a ridiculous k/9 (12.46), marmol recorded only one save and was a relief pitcher for the cubs. so now with the nextel cup finalized, the jimmies of the world have proven they can drive faster and swing a bat better than the rest of us. mailboxes of america, prepare to be vandalized.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Yesterday's Best 11.19.07
5. Michael Beasley -Michael Beasley continued his dazzling display of dominance in the college ranks by notching his second game of over 20 points and 20 rebounds. Against Western Illinois on Saturday, Beasley grabbed 22 boards to go along with his 28 points and is now averaging an even 30 points and 20 rebounds on the season. That's way too many points and rebounds for a freshman, and at this point I demand a full investigation to see how old this guy really is.
4. Jimmie Johnson - The most popular American male name is James, which is often colloquially changed to Jim or Jimmie. Johnson is the second most common surname. I think I have figured out why NASCAR has such an undeservedly huge following, its because apparently the best performer Jimmie Johnson the two time Nextel Cup champion, has that same name as half the population in America. While my last name is surely not popular, I have to admit that I have some kind of subjective affinity to players named Joe. If someone actually had my name and was some kind of superstar athlete, I'm pretty sure I'd be a fan. Then again, I'd probably also spend an exorbitant amount of time pretending that I was that person to get into clubs, get things comped and try to impress women.
3. Orlando Magic - The Orlando Magic snapped the Celtics unbeaten streak on Sunday, beating the big three 104-102 and proving that the Celtics do bleed real blood. The Celtics came back furiously from a 17 point halftime deficit, but came up short when Paul Peirce missed a jumper as time ran out. Orlando used a strong team approach, as they didn't have any startling lines in the box-score, they also took advantage of sloppy play by the Celtics who committed 19 turnovers and sent the Magic to the foul line 44 times compared to their 26 attempts.
2. Tom Glavine - Tom Glavine, the backstabbing member of the Mets pitching staff has finally found happiness with his ex-team, the Atlanta Braves. Glavine spent five unimpressive years with the Mets compiling a record of 61 and 56 and shared mutual unappreciation with the city of New York. Last year during his chase of 300 wins, we endured Glavine's uneasy address of Met fans at Shea, not to mention more face-time for Tom Glavine's wife than that of the entire Met infield. Glavine's Met tenure culminated with the second worst outing of his career when the Mets needed him the most, giving up 5 hits 2 walks, and 7 earned runs in a third of an inning. There is no way that the hall-of-fame pitcher did this unintentionally as he probably already had visions of more tee-times with his BFF John Smoltz on his mind.
1. Houston Dynamo - Don't know much about soccer but I do know that with the Houston Dynamo defeating the New England Revolution 2-1 to win theMLS championship on Sunday, that they have prevented the New England area's bid for a clean sweep of every American team sport championship. Everyone was getting a little tired of NewEnglanders walking around so smuggly , and it's good to know that we as a nation have this Revolution defeat in our back-pockets. Although if it ever came to us having to use it I wonder what would be more annoying, Boston fans, or us resorting to using soccer as a valid American sports argument.
The Complaint Department - The Lonesome Kicker
The Patriots easily dispatched another opponent this week, defeating the Buffalo Bills 56-10. Despite an inspirational message from former tight end Kevin Everett, the Bills were unable to mount an offensive attack or do anything to slow down the Patriots’ arsenal of receivers. Perhaps in order to keep up with Dallas miscreant Terrell Owens, Randy Moss scored four first half touchdowns and most of the team looked flawless. But there was one player on the Patriots that was held in check, though the Bills had nothing to do with it.
Here’s an idea. Since Belichik only cares about getting Tom “I’m always complaining to the referees about everything” Brady more scores, let him handle the place kicking duties as well. I’m sure he’ll be able to learn to kick 20 yarders in the off-season. And for fantasy purposes, imagine the possibilities of a QB-K hybrid. He’d be unstoppable! So either let Gostkowski do the job he’s paid to do, or trade him to me so he can do odd jobs around my house that center around kicking.Does losing a week of fantasy football by half a point have anything to do with this rant? Why that’s preposterous. Preposterous and true.
Monday, November 19, 2007
The End Around - 11.18.07
Colts Rebound - A week after missing the game-winning 25-yard field goal last week against the Chargers, Adam Vinatieri redeemed himself by kicking the game-winning 24-yard field goal this week against the Chiefs. Redeemed himself is probably a poor word choice. How about, "did his only job as an NFL kicker"? Either way, the Colts ended their two game losing streak and thanks in part to a Steelers' loss, appear to be in good position to secure a first-round bye in the playoffs. Surprisingly, the Indianapolis defense was impressive against the Brodie Croyle and Priest Holmes-led Chiefs despite losing Dwight Freeney for the year. We can point the finger to the Colts' newest acquisition, Simeon Rice, who tackled zero people, which was the same number of tackles Freeney made this week. An adequate replacement by all accounts.
Moss v. Owens - To no one surprise, the NFL's two top wide receivers this year continued their fantastic seasons. Owens flew by a depleted Redskins secondary for 173 yards and four touchdowns on eight receptions and the Cowboys held on to win, 28-23. Then later that night, Moss answered with 10 catches, 128 yards, and an identical four touchdowns as the Patriots toppled the Bills 56-10. As football fans, we can only hope that this continues for the remaining season so we can bare witness to a brewing rivalry unseen since Bird v. Magic or Spy v. Spy or Brown v. the Board of Education or Alien v. Predator.On Second Thought - In a controversial game in Baltimore, the new Browns beat the old Browns 33-30 in overtime. This game featured a 51-yard field goal at the end of regulation by Phil Dawson that first ended the game and then later sent the game into overtime. The kick in question bounced off the upright, bounced on another crossbar, and then bounced into the end zone. The refs originally called the kick no good, but on insistence of another ref the kick was called yes good because it hit the support behind the field goal uprights. Players from both teams were ushered back onto the field, celebratory handshakes were revoked, and overtime began and eventually ended on a Cleveland field goal. I don't understand what the controversy was about. If Phil Dawson missed the field goal but tucked the ball before he kicked it wide right and the refs let him kick it again because of the tuck rule that would have been controversial. Or if Phil Dawson called a timeout before the kick to ice himself and kicked it anyways that would have been controversial. Or even if the holder moved the ball as Phil Dawson was about to kick it like in Peanuts cartoons that would have been controversial. But Phil Dawson made the field goal and the refs made the right call. Seemed perfectly versial to me.
Miami D'ohphins - The football season started September 6th and the Dolphins have won zero games. The basketball season started just about two weeks ago and no team has failed to win a game. Is it fair to compare these two sports? Probably not. But is it fair to let the other football teams play football against the Dolphins? Absolutely not. But Miami continues it's march towards infamy with yesterday's loss against the Eagles which was particularly distressing for Dolphin's fans. Because after taking a 7-0, the Dolphins squandered their best chance at winning by injuring Donovan McNabb halfway through the 2nd quarter. McNabb had accumulated -1 fantasy points and in 11 attempts he had only completed five passes, three to his teammates and two to the Dolphins. The Dolphins foolishly sprained McNabb's ankle and backup quarterback AJ Feeley led the Eagles to 17 unanswered points while Dolphins' starting kicker Jay Feely could only watch. Next up for the woeful Dolphins are the Pittsburgh Steelers who Miami hopes would like nothing better than to follow up a loss to the Jets with another loss.
Hire Norv Turner - Most of the headlines coming from the Chargers/Jaguars game yesterday will be about San Diego dropping their 5th game of the season by losing 24-17 in Jacksonville. We'll probably read about the ineptitude of one Norvit Turner even though the Jags won the game moreso than the Chargers lost it thanks to solid defense and continued mistake-free quarterbacking from David Garrard. Unfortunately, I'm no trendsetter. Norv has turned a 14-2 offensive juggernaut into a team who plays .500 football and gives LaDainian Tomlinson 16 carries when he should have closer to 116. And as a result, firenorvturner websites have appeared demanding his head. I've never been a fan of these websites since I'm not a fan of firing someone from a job and threatening their family's financial security. This is why I'm insted spear-heading the Hire Norv Turner movement. Perhaps if we help him find another job he's more suited for, he might just leave on his own. And with this end in mind, I've sent his reusme to numerous companies with job openings on Monster. By this time next week, Norv Turner will likely resign from his position of NFL coach and become a Systems Analyst at Lockheed Martin or a Sandwich Engineer at Subway or a Home Maker at Norv Turner's home.Freshman Fifteen
We tried phrasing this in a way that wouldn't sound creepy, but there's no way to avoid it: we love freshmen. With graduation, early entrants and transfers, college basketball is in a constant state of flux. While the importance of veteran leadership can't be overlooked, an incoming freshman class can totally change the outlook for a team's season. So the three of us came up with an idea in which we each draft five freshmen from across the country, track their fantasy stats, and compete against each other every week. We're still working out the details (making this up as we go along) but we've laid the groundwork for a challenge we call The Freshman Fifteen. Stats are compiled from Monday to Sunday each week beginning today, and the fantasy categories are points, rebounds, assists, blocks, steals, fg%, ft% and 3-pointers made.
To fully appreciate how stupid this idea is, you have to understand how we determined the draft order. The three of us were on the phone together and we held a rock-paper-scissors tournament by yelling our choices at the same time. For some reason, this was incredibly difficult. It led to lots of confusion over when we were supposed to yell and several blatant attempts to cheat. Once it was over, Joe got to choose his draft spot first, followed by Quang and Dhivy.
Draft Results:
Michael Beasley (d)
Derrick Rose (j)
OJ Mayo (q)
Eric Gordon (q)
Johnny Flynn (j)
Kyle Singler (d)
Kevin Love (d)
Jerryd Bayless (j)
Donte Green (q)
DeAndre Jordan (q)
Patrick Patterson (j)
Nick Calathes (d)
Kosta Koufos (d)
Justin Burrell (j)
Anthony Randolph (q)
Dhivy:
Joe made an ill-advised decision and took the middle pick, while Quang foolishly selected the third pick. This gave me free run at rivals.com top freshman, Michael Beasley. His early numbers at K-State are bananas, so imagine how good he'll be once he…ripens? My only concern in making him the number one pick was how creepy this picture of him at the McDonald's All-American game was. That is by far the fattest Ronald McDonald I've ever seen. Probably because he eats so much McDonalds. Anyhoo, after Joe and Quang bumbled their picks, I quickly selected Kyle Singler and Kevin Love. Singler was the top ranked small forward out of high school, and should get plenty of open looks and steals at Duke. Love has the post moves to dominate the Pac 10 and UCLA will benefit from his defensive skills as well. This gave me a formidable front court, but I was sorely lacking in assists and was forced to reach for a guard with my next pick. I knew nothing about Nick Calathes, but based on the SportsCenter highlights I saw this morning, he's the next coming of Bobby Hurley. At least that's what I lie awake telling myself when I realize I lost out on one of the elite guards. I could've tried to find another backcourt player, but instead I solidified my stranglehold of big men by selecting Kosta Koufos from Ohio State. Quang immediately commented that my team was very white. You know what else is white? Snow. This is appropriate, because winter is coming soon and my team has prepared for the arduous months ahead. Quang and Joe on the other hand, have frittered their time away and are sure to freeze to death. On paper, my team looks like a lock to win rebounds, blocks and FG% every week. If I can get contributions elsewhere, it might be enough to prove that Joe & Quang are merely redshirts, while I am the MOP of this tournament.
Joe:
This team is not composed of the players that I typically like, there are way too many unselfish players on this squad and if this was a real team they would routinely pass away the 35 second shot clock. However there is so much talent and potential that I am beyond confident that I will win this competition easily. My first pick Derrick Rose is a player who could dominate and take over a game, but is very content to get his teammates involved, play defense and help clean up on the the glass. With Quang making a fish stick sandwich (get it... Gordon and Mayo....I'm so lame) I decided to pick up Johnny Flynn with my second pick, because i saw him drop 28 points and dish out 9 assists in his first game against Sienna. Quang scooped up two of the big men that I thought i was going to get, out of spite i picked up a THIRD awesome point guard, Jerryd Bayless who is more shoot-first than the other two guards and should be able to get me lots of points in a fast paced Arizona offense. To try and salvage my front line I was able to get Pat Patterson from Kentucky, a skilled 6'8forward who played alongside O.J. Mayo so he must be awesome. My final pick, Justin Burrell out of St. Johns is another 6'8 forward, who is strong and athletic enough to give me a presence in the rebounds and blocks categories. Yes, Burrell is only on the team because he is on St. Johns and I am a giant New York homer, but with a youth movement in Queens, Burrell should get major minutes and produce. These guys have no chance against me!
Quang:
i couldn't have constructed this team any better if i were nick nolte in blue chips. and as such, my success in this league is as assured as if i were nick nolte in blue chips. first of all, dhivy and joe foolishly let oj mayo slip to the last pick in the first round. dhivy may not be a fan of oj, but that's because "the man" has already gotten to him. i, on the other hand, have not been gotten to and therefore think oj mayo is going to have an incredible year. with my next pick it was obvious that eric gordon was the best talent left on the board so i quickly snatched him up. if we were using "controversy" as a stat category this would be a wrap. but sadly we are not. so with my 3rd and 4th round picks i selected syracuse small forward donte green and texas a&m center deandre jordan. green is tall, long, and lanky and he shoots very well while jordan is one of the dying breed of big men who actually play big. i expect them to be quite a handful for dhivy's and joe's teams. rounding out my team is lsu forward anthony randolph, who i made mr. irrelevant by selecting him with the last pick of the draft. i anticipate he's going to be the newest athletic lsu forward who doesn't do anything but dunk and block shots. these are skills that should translate very well onto my team and the system i run, specifically the "do whatever you want" system. in summary, this is a very impressive five man team. so impressive that i expect my two opponents will quit halfway through the season citing reasons like "your team makes too many threes" or "this league doesn't make any sense". regardless, not only am i certain that my team and i will win this league, i'm also certain that a nobel peace prize for basketball achievement is in our immediate future.
Whose team do you think will win? Who got the steal/bust of the draft? Go to our comments section to voice your opinion. If you take the 'pi' out of 'opinion', you get the word 'onion'.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Today's Best - 11.15.07
went and got himself indicted. now, instead of getting sick air and shredding maximum snow he's forced to don his sick suit and shred this story for the next six months. while we at garbage points are not going to jump to any conclusions about bonds' guilt or innocence, the evidence clearly shows that roger is 100% guilty: of being gnarly.4. dennis dixon - college football's bermuda triangle-like mystery surrounding it's number two ranking continued this year, as the oregon ducks lost in tucson to arizona 34-24. early in the game, quarterback dennis dixon injured his knee and the ducks weren't able to recover as brady leaf, ryan leaf's brother, took over. i guess the leaf doesn't fall far from the tree? save your boos for the rest of the list. anyways, oregon lost and now dixon's status for the rest of the season is in doubt. this likely means he is no longer the leading candidate for the heisman, but fortunately this also means he will not become the next victim of the heisman curse. somewhere yahoo! sports is furious.
3.
scott boras - a-rod has agreed to an outline of a 10-year, $275 million contract with the yankees, according to reports. they are also working on the details of a clause that would allow alex to share in the marginal revenue created by his home run chase. interestingly, this was achieved without the aid of his agent scott boras who was not a part of the contract negotiations. this means scott boras is going to get about $20-30 million for not helping alex rodriguez. i've never helped alex rodriguez and all i have to show for it is this briefcase and this haircut.2. sixth men - the spurs and mavericks were one of two nba games last night and dallas made a bold statement winning 105-92. in a post game press conference, it was revealed that the specific statement was "hey spurs, we won!" the game also pitted two of the leading sixth men candidates, horse manure ginobili and jason manure terry. ginobili finished with 25 points and added nine rebounds and seven assists while jason terry score 18 points on 7-9 shooting including 4 of 5 from three. it's apparent that both are very good players who obviously are talented enough to start, but their coaches have decided to chase awards instead of wins. and for this game at least, it looks like jason terry won the battle improving him to fifth and half man.
1. jake peavy - in a season where he joined randy johnson, doc gooden, and steve carlton as the only nl pitchers to lead the league in wins, era, and strikeouts, yesterday jake peavy was announced as the unanimous winner of the nl cy young. however, the unanimous victory should be taken with a grain of salt. because if in addition to the baseball writers' association of america, major league baseball allowed the arizona diamondbacks to vote, it's likely that last year's nl cy young, brandon webb, would have stolen a few first place votes. but that isn't the case and jake peavy becomes the 12th nl pitcher to be a unanimous selection. though i wonder if he would trade it in for a playoff berth the padres frittered away down the stretch. i'm not sure if there are pawn shops out there that offer playoff berths so i guess it's a moot point.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Joey Porter Hates America
if you're like me, you don't like joey porter. though if you're like joey porter, you're a miserable football player and a big fat jerk. and if that's the case, i don't like you or your horse-killing dogs or your six friends who helped you gang up on levi jones either. thankfully, karma has been restored, and this year joey porter is playing a key role on the winless miami dolphins, much to my delight. he has been so inconsequential thus far that we haven't really heard anything about him since he guranteed a victory against the raiders in week 4. this was a game the dolphins
lost by 18 points while allowing daunte culpepper to rush for three scores and pass for another two. strangely, neither the dolphins nor the raiders have won since this game, which further proves my theory that joey porter ruins things.
but finally, the point. as you may know, ricky williams was recently reinstated by the league and has been spotted around the dolphins' complex. this is either what the dolphins call their training facility or the psychological phenomena that causes them to do things like not drafting brady quinn, trading for a pre-concussed trent green, and letting mercury morris answer questions about teams who could go undefeated. either way, for illogical reasons only beknownst to them, someone decided to ask joey porter what he thought about this, specifically whether he'd accept ricky williams back onto the team. porter's response was enlightening.
"Yeah I would. We're 0-9. I'd welcome bin Laden if he could run the ball like Ricky did."i don't even know where to begin. how about: "if you're like me, you don't like joey porter. though if you're like joey porter, you think letting terrorists play for your football your team is a good idea." it's never a good sign when the person who is 3rd on the fbi's most wanted fugitive list is first on your team's most wanted running back list. but fortunately for the dolphins and the united states and the people that run the
terror alert scale who would have had to start using colors from 64-packs of crayloa crayons if osama bin laden played football, joey porter doesn't make the decisions in miami. because if he did, not only would our current threat level rise to cerulean or burnt sienna or razzle dazzle rose, but the dolphins would also field a team consisting of bin laden, john wilkes booth, cruella de vil, and the ebola virus. and instead of punting on fourth downs, the dolphins would always run trick plays where they burn flags and root against brett favre. it would be madness.
anyways, it's obvious that joey porter wasn't seriously considering flying bin laden in for a tryout, but i'm mocked outraged the same. mainly because i don't like joey porter. but for his sake, i'm hopeful that joey porter's wish of playing football with osama bin laden comes true. when roger goodell bans him from the nfl forever because of these inane comments, forcing him to sign with the al-qaeda terminaedas. if not, joey porter will continue to play in the nfl against true americans. the terrorists have already won.Today's Best 11.14.07
5. Ricky Williams - Maybe third times a charm. Ricky Williams has been reinstated once again to the NFL after serving his second ban for marijuana use. The 0-8 Miami Dolphins have an interesting decision to make now that the former bruising back is available. The Dolphins have already indicated that they are entering operation 0-16 full steam ahead by announcing that they will be starting rookie QB John Beck out ofBYU for the last 7 games I personally believe that if you're going to be in super tank mode, you have no choice but to hire slackers.Overacheivers in this case, are far to detrimental to progress. With Beck's immaturity under center and Ricky taking weed-naps in the backfield the Fish as a franchise are a lock to have both an undefeated and a win-less team.
4. Golden State Warriors - The Sonics and the T-Wolves just set the Warriors up for some serious bragging rights in the future. Both teams snapped their long winless streaks last night with the Sonics riding a balanced effort to overthrow the woeful heat in Dwayne Wade's first game back from shoulder surgery and the Timberwolves feeding off of Rashard McCants 33 point detonation to spoil Ron Artest's return engagement after suspension. Now when the Warriors, get Stephen Jackson back from suspension, realize that their team is loaded with talent and begin their playoff surge starting with a potentially therapeutic East coast road trip, they can feed off of the fact that they were the NBA's last winless team this year.
3. Cowboys, Texans and Horses - Before coaching his team to a victory against the Rockets, Phil Jackson reacting to the swarm of controversy that came about from his calling the Laker's loss to the Spurs a "Brokeback Mountain Game" due to the amount of penetration and kickouts, made a complete mockery of the politically correct apology. Phil said that if he had offended any "Cowboys, Texans or Horses or anybody else that would be offended by the comments, I'd like to apologize." Cowboys, Texans and Horses got their apology and Phil was able to bring levity to the situation due to the fact that the same crowd of reporters laughing hysterically at his comments when they were said would presumably be the group that bands together to persecute him in the media.
2. Lebron James - With his monster 39 point 13 rebound and 13 assist game in an overtime loss against the Magic, Lebron James became the first player to record that many points, rebounds and assists in a game since Wilt Chamberlain in 1968. Lebron has to do everything himself in order for this team to remain competitive. Although I couldn't find any information on the stats that Wilt accrued in the game that he got more points, rebounds and assists, i found some interesting things that Lebron can do to match Wilt that would be equally amazing, yet doable for someone of Lebron's talent. He could get a double triple double, which consists of having 20 or more points, rebounds and assists, or he could have a double quadruple, meaning he could get 40 or more points along with 40 or more rebounds. Or Lebron should just go for the glory and match Wilt's 20,000 number.
1. Tennessee - With top programs falling left and right to inferior competition across the college basketball landscape, it is refreshing to see a good old fashioned stomping out by one of the nations top-ranked schools. The Volunteers, led by transfer Tyler Smith delivered a 57 point (101-44) white-washing of the Arkansas-Monticello Boll Weevils, a division two program, in the first round of the StubHub Legends classic. I suspect that Tennessee coach. Bruce Pearl made threats to his team along the lines of coaching every game in full body paint or having Pat Summit be head cheerleader at all home games to get his team motivated, an example of a coaching being a process, carried over from year to year.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
The Complaint Department - Why Can't I Quit You?
The NBA is considering taking action against Phil Jackson in light of the Laker coach's comments after their 107-92 loss to the San Antonio Spurs. When asked if the Spurs' penetration was a problem for the Lakers, Jacko responded, "We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration." First off, there is nothing wrong with what Jackson said. If he had called it a "9 1/2 Weeks" game, this wouldn't be a big story. But because Brokeback focused on homosexuals, people are jumping to call Phil Jackson insensitive. It was a harmless joke that wasn't meant to offend anybody and we all need to give him a break.
However, I do have a problem with Jackson making jokes specifically about the movie "Brokeback Mountain". The movie became a punch line for gay jokes, which was the least creative punch line I’d ever heard. Even when the movie was fresh in our minds, I was furious whenever someone would make a Brokeback joke. What makes this even more maddening is that this movie came out over two years ago. Other gay things have happened in that time that would have been a perfectly suitable joke. 
Why couldn't Jackson have called it a "Lloyd from 'Entourage'" game? How about an "anti-Tim Hardaway" game? Or a "Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" game? Perhaps Brokeback Mountain was the last movie Phil had seen. I imagine it's hard to make time for movies when he spends so much time grooming his beard and whistling loudly.
Finally, why is Phil Jackson comparing a basketball game to a movie? Unless he referenced "Hoop Dreams" or "Like Mike 2: Streetball", there is little in common between a scripted piece of cinema and a sporting competition. Here are some other things that I hope to hear Phil Jackson compare his team's play to this season:
- We call that a "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" game, because there was a lot of traveling
- We call that a "Beerfest" game, because it had mad hops
- We call that a "Good Burger" game, because it was the greatest game ever
- We call that a "Blair Witch Project” game, because it was a tremendous disappointment that wasted everyone’s time
- We call that a "Saturday Night Fever" game, because it was played on a Saturday night and I'm running a slight fever
- We call that a "Boat Trip" game, because there was so much penetration
If you're going to make a bad gay joke, at least use a hilarious movie.
Game of the Weak
tonight's nba schedule features a full and diverse set of games. but there is one in particular that caught my eye. is it dwight howard and the upstart magic facing lebron james' cavaliers? could it be the kobe's lakers taking on the upstart houston rockets? or perhaps it's the upstart celtics looking to extend their record to 7-0 to upstart the season? on any other night, i'd be delighted to watch either of those games, but not tonight. because tonight the 0-8 sonics visit the 1-6 miami heat. robert swift guarding a lethargic shaq? durant versus ricky davis? johan petro guarding a lethargic shaq? dwyane wade's newest suit? nick collison guarding a lethargic shaq? chris wilcox and udonis haslem braiding each other's hair? kurt thomas guarding a lethargic shaq? smush parker and chris quinn as backup point guards? a lethargic shaq? penny hardaway and damien wilkins starting? sign me up twice. uh, just in case my first sign up is misplaced.
the sonics are currently 6-point underdogs, though i think a more appropriate line would be any viewers of this game as a 20-point favorite. but i'm not an oddsmaker, i'm only odd. either way, the heat come into this game 0-3 at home while the sonics have similar 0-4 records at their home and at everyone else's. the average scores of games that the sonics and heat have played so far are opponent - 107.9, sonics - 97.4 and opponent - 89.3, heat - 83.3. so which team can impose its will on the other? specifically, will the sonics lose in an uptempo, high-scoring game or will the heat lose in a stop and go, traffic jam-like game? but before we try to predict what happens tonight, let's examine how each of these teams got here. because as they say, those who forget history are doomed to play mark blount.
the heat's season so far could be best described as "woeful at best". they are currently averaging 3 fewer points than the 2nd lowest scoring team and have only once, in a game against the suns, broke 90 points. last night, the heat lost by 15 to the bobcats. this was the second time charlotte has beaten miami this year and at this rate, the heat will lose to primoz brezec and the bobcats over 23 times this season. the elias sports bureau has confirmed that this would be a league record. and as if things weren't going bad enough, pat riley had this to say about last night's loss:
"I guarantee you I should suit up. I'd play better than some of them right now. I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad."
now heat players have to worry about looking over their shoulders for a delusional coach eager to steal their minutes. seriously, if pat riley actually thinks he can play effective basketball right, now not only is he off his rocker, he's off my rocker. if he played himself for five minutes he'd miss 70 shots and turn the ball over 35 times before fouling out and trying to coach his team out of a 450-4 hole in the next three and a half quarters. hopefully that doesn't happen because there is hope for this team. they've allowed the 2nd fewest points in the league up to this point and more importantly, dwyane wade is going to play soon. simple arithemetic says that once the heat add his 27 points per game to their current 83 points per game, they'll average like 110 points a game! so unless the heat are 1-80 by the time wade returns, i like their chances to make the playoffs.the sonics outlook this year is a little less cheery. so far, they've played like a team that was hoping to secure a top two draft pick so they could select kevin durant. bad news sonics, you already drafted kevin durant, he's the guy taking 80% of your team's shots. but with that said, the sonics haven't been as bad as advertised. durant seems to be adjusting well and chris wilcox has been a pleasant surprise. also, if you throw out last night's blowout loss to the magic, they've been highly competitive in every game this year. and if you throw out every game this year, the sonics are undefeated. more seriously, the sonics' biggest problem is their inability to close out games. again, ignoring their last game, through the first three quarters, the average score has been opponents - 80, sonics - 78. in the fourth quarter though, seattle has been generally outscored 28-22. once durant learns how to finish games and once they make a firm decision on their cerberus-like point
guard rotation, the sonics will improve. but looking at seattle's upcoming schedule, if they don't win this game tonight, it's very possible that they don't win a game for another three years as the oklahoma city disorder. though maybe the sonics have been purposely losing with the hope that oklahoma city decides they don't want an nba team. and if that's what it takes to keep basketball in seattle, i hope they never win another game and the sonics trade kevin durant to the wizards for a 2nd round draft pick.anyways, as evident, my excitement over this mediocre game is unreasonably high. my prediction: everyone wins. except for the heat, who lose by 3 because pat riley inserts himself into the starting lineup.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Today's Best - 11.13.07
5. Barry Bonds - The Washington Wild Things, a Pennsylvania based independent league team, have taken their crack at the free agent slugger with the most impressive resume out of this years crop, proving that there is in fact a market for Barry Bonds. The team has offered the homerun king a max contract under their league guidelines and have loaded the contract with incentives. Along with the base salary of $12,000, the Wild Things have offered to find a host family for Bonds to spare him the hassle of finding 
an apartment; a 50-50 split of merchandise sales and road-trip accommodations that include a king-size bed. Barry Bonds earned $16 million last year for the San Francisco Giants. If it wasn't for Bonds' already failed attempt at a reality series, this situation with the host family could easily have been spun into a goldmine. A roided, cross-dressing, malcontent sharing a home with a suburban Pennsylvania family. Paralleling his locker room behavior, Bonds will soon demand 3 rooms, and start blaming hot amphetamines tests on consumption of the family's 11 year old- daughter's trick-or-treat candy.
4. Capitalism - marxism is about to take a serious hit. free agency for the 2008 mlb season began at 12:01 yesterday. i like the idea of a free market determining player values, but why does this need to start a minute after midnight? wouldn't everyone be better off if this started at 9 am and we could get some sleep? i imagine andruw jones wouldn’t be very happy being woken up in the middle of the night with an offer from the washington nationals. then again, i can’t imagine the state of mind a player would have to be in to be happy with an offer from the washington nationals. small market teams are also looking to unload some of their soon-to-be free agents, such as johan santana and miguel cabrera. where they end up could drastically alter the landscape in ’08.
3. Kansas' Training Rooms - the jayhawks medical staff was already working overtime trying to rehab brandon rush's knee. now bill self will be without the services of sherron collins for at least six weeks, as he underwent surgery to repair a stress fracture in his foot. he leads the team in scoring this season and his passing will be sorely missed on a team that lacks a true go-to-guy. in an effort to keep his school spirit high, collins should watch an endless loop of "the wizard of oz" and rock out to "dust in the wind". this year’s injuries are in addition to bill walker trying to play his way back into shape after tearing his acl last season. at this point, i wouldn't be surprised to hear that the state of kansas is running an underground fight club.
2. Tracy McGrady - despite 41 points from t-mac, the grizzlies managed to hold on to a 105-99 victory over the rockets. a 34-17 difference in free throws proved to be the advantage and pau gasol led the way with 26 for memphis. while mcgrady's team suffered their second loss of the season, his jersey can be seen on the infuriatingly-complicated for show "prison break". it is worn by an inmate who is constantly shooting a ball at a wall painted with a basketball hoop. if the real tracy mcgrady were in that prison, there's no doubt he'd forget about the wall and figure out a way to lead the break! but seriously, "prison break" is getting ridiculous.
1. CC Sabathia – the pitcher became the first to win a cy young as an indian since gaylord perry in 1972. but if i was part of the indians’ organization, i’d be more pleased with sabathia’s award, because it isn’t attached to someone named ‘gaylord’. since cy young voting is finalized before the post-season, carsten charles outdistanced josh beckett and john lackey, who both had better rocktober numbers than sabathia. but the win is really a win for lazy people everywhere, as one of their own has finally reached the pinnacle. between sabathia’s near 300 pound frame, his oversized jersey flapping in the breeze, and his hat cocked to the side, it’s hard to find any facet of his personality that exudes effort. here’s hoping that baseball players everywhere are encouraged by cc’s successccess, and next year’s season is marred by fielders eating donuts and batters getting winded running to first.
Starbury is AWOL
I hope Knick fans will join me in doing a thorough search of all the back seats of trucks in the Pheonix area along with a thorough sweep of intern's offices. New York Daily News beat writer, Frank Isola has reported on the Stephen A. Smith show in New York, that Stephon Marbury is currently AWOL. He did not report to practice today and the team does not know his whereabouts. After a disappointing loss to the then win-less Miami Heat on Sunday, Isiah Thomas informed his team that players that do not show defensive intensity on the court will see a drastic reduction in playing time. Thomas began this process during the game, as he was obviously also disappointed by Marbury's backup Nate Robinson's as third-stringer Mardy Collins played 21 minutes in his first action of the year. Isola also stated that Mardy Collins will be in the starting lineup tonight as the Knicks begin an important four-game West Coast trip in Phoenix.
Although the Knicks' backcourt defense has been atrocious this year, the teams 2-3 record cannot be placed solely on Marbury's play. However, always a sensitive player it appears that Marbury has taken Isiah's motivation strategies in the wrong way and has reacted in a usual childish matter. When taking over as coach last year, Thomas was forced to build the roster's spirits back up and remove the tire tracks that resulted from Larry Brown constant belittling and under-bus throwing from the previous season. Now Thomas must actually do some more conventional coaching which requires him to take the kid-gloves off and call some players out privately - holding them accountable for their performance and energy level on the court. Although I am the the consummate Marbury apologist, I really can't hold his ego, and immaturity over the team, and if these reports of his alienation from the team are true - I personally think that Isiah and the rest of the Knicks front office would be best served to put Marbury in the corner for an adult time-out until he realizes the errors of his ways or the team has no choice but to buy out his unmanageable contract. Although I'd hate to see Marbury go, it would create a surplus of sexy single interns with nothing to do but maybe get into MY truck.
Today's Best - 11.12.07
5. eric gordon - continuing our coverage of noteworthy college basketball debuts by teenagers who only a year ago were in high school shoving nerds into lockers and attending my super sweet 16 parties, indiana's highly touted freshman guard eric gordon scored 33 points to lead the hoosiers over chattanooga 99-79. gordon's arrival in indiana was surrounded by controversy as he backed out of his committment to illinois after kelvin sampson, and his numerous recruiting violations, became head coach at indiana. regardless of what may or may not have happened, eric gordon is a hoosier and along with his 33 points, he added six rebounds, four assists, three steals, and seven three-pointers. though, "numbers didn't tell the whole story" because eric gordon "ignited indiana's second-half charge". apparently, the associated press doesn't think "second" is a number.
4. ron artest - last night, the kings lost to the jazz in blow out fashion, dropping their record to 2-5 on the season. it was more or less what we've come to expect from the new look kings. beno udrih played 29 minutes, even though statistics have proven that he's most effective for the kings when he plays 15 minutes a game for the other team, mikki moore started in place of an injured brad miller, and the kenny thomas and shareef abdur-rahim one-two punch combined for 30 minutes and zero points on 0-5 shooting. but the only stat that matters to the kings from last night's thriller is managing to push the number of games they've played to seven. because now ron artest is free to return from his suspension to try to prove that he's finally turned over a new leaf. his first game is this wednesday against the timberwolves. expect him to come out gunning as i'm sure in anticipation for this game he's spent the last few weeks hunting wolves.3. jr smith - in the eighth head to head match up between carmelo and lebron, jr smith tried his best to steal the show by scoring 29 points in 24 minutes as the nuggets beat the cavs 122-100. he drained seven of his eight attempts from three, but hit only two of his six attempts from one. though to be fair, jr smith decided to shoot all of his free throws from the other teams' free throw line.
2. any television program that wasn't monday night football - as someone with no vested interest in either team and also as someone who had a comfortable lead in fantasy football coming into tonight, the seahawks-49ers game was painfully uninteresting. but as luck would have it, hbo family was showing galaxy quest. and though i've seen galaxy quest numerous times, i decided that i'd much rather watch tim allen defeat aliens in a farcical comedy for tenth time than watch how bad the nfc west is. consider that while sarris was trying to steal the omega 13 device from the thermians, alex smith was passing for 114 yards. and 45 of these yards came on a hail mary at the end of the 1st half that was ruled a catch despite the fact that arnaz battle clearly bumbled the ball out of bounds. this fake catch was one of only six niner first downs, which actually helped them narrowly avoid matching the meager five first downs the ravens managed last monday night. next monday hopefully will fare a little better when either the broncos host the titans or i host a party to watch dancing with the stars.Monday, November 12, 2007
The End-Around - 11.11.07
My Cousin Vinny - A few weeks ago, at 43, Vinny Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in NFL history. Yesterday, I can only assume that at 43, Vinny Testaverde also became the oldest starting quarterback to lose a game in NFL history as the Falcons beat the Panthers 20-13. Of course, the Falcons probably didn't win the game as much as they just didn't lose the game as much as the Panthers did. Either way, the story was that Carolina willingly started a 43-year old quarterback who is going to turn 44 in a few days. As such, in the upcoming weeks, Vinny is likely going to set a few more records including becoming the oldest starting quarterback to tie a game in NFL history, 
becoming the oldest starting quarterback to wear an adult diaper in NFL history, and becoming the oldest starting quarterback to tell his opponent "I told you kids to quit playing ball in my yard! This time I'm keeping it!!" in NFL history.
Forward Progress - Arizona beat Detroit 31-21 yesterday on a day where they held the Lions to an NFL record in rushing futility. Detroit rushed eight times for -18 yards, which was a six-yard backwards run more than any other team in history. The Lions finished the game with -2.3 yards per carry. This means that whenever Mike Martz called some sort of run play, the Lions were statistically better off if Jon Kitna audibled to a QB kneel each time. The Lions also would have been statistically better off if whenever Mike Martz called some sort of run play, they ran forward instead of backwards. Unfortunately, neither of these adjustments were made and the result was the Cardinals somehow managing to rush for 18 yards on defense.
Uno Siete – Shayne Graham provided all of the offense as the Cincinnati Bengals swept their season series against the Baltimore Ravens. Seven field goals from Graham put the game out of reach, and the usually porous Bengals defense was able to hold Baltimore scoreless until the final two minutes. The Ravens’ season hit an all-time low midway through the fourth quarter, when Kyle Boller emergence was met with raucous applause. After claiming that his team would beat all their conference rivals at home, Ray Lewis clarified and told reporters he was referring to his off-season tiddlywinks tournament.
Illegal Manning Downfield - Despite the best efforts of Norval Turner, the San Diego Chargers were unable to lose a 23-point lead and defeated the Indianapolis Colts. From the early stages, it seemed that things were going in San Diego’s favor. Darren Sproles returned the opening kickoff and a punt for touchdowns, Payton
Manning had a career-high six interceptions, and the Colts lost several key players to injury. Even still, the Colts would have had the lead with under two minutes had Adam Vinatieri been able to convert a 29-yard field goal. After last week’s record-setting performance by Adrian Peterson, this game showed us a new side of the Chargers’ defense. Namely the side that has several players with complicated dances to celebrate turnovers and sacks.Playoffs? Playoffs? – The Packers and Cowboys remain on the fast track for first round byes out of the NFC, while the remaining divisional and wild-card races have been further muddled. New England and Pittsburgh are primed to take their divisions, but the Colts now find themselves in a race with the Jaguars and Titans. 12 teams in each conference are within two games of a playoff spot, so there’s still hope for most fan bases. On the other hand, the St. Louis Rams avoided history and got their first win against the New Orleans Jekylls & Hydes. Marc Bulger threw for 300 yards and completed all but six passes. The Dolphins lost their ninth straight and at this pace, the organization will never win a game again.
Heismania - 11.10.07
Another 1 Bites the Dust – The Ohio State University decided that rather than lose in the National Championship game, they’d rather end their title chances early and keep their fans from getting their hopes up. 
Illinois defeated the Buckeyes in Columbus with the help of four touchdowns by vitamin-enriched quarterback Juice Williams. The team showered Ron Zook in Gatorade after the win, at the behest of backup quarterback Sports Drink Jenkins. Jim Tressel’s club fell to seventh in the BCS, leaving the door open for LSU, Oregon, and undefeated Kansas.
Don’t Mess with Texas (Tech) – Head coach Mike Leach accused the officiating crew of favoring Texas after his Red Raiders were defeated 59-43 in a game that included several borderline calls. Some of his allegations included the crew favoring Texas because of their standing in the bowl championship series, preferential treatment due to the money generated by Texas’ success, and general incompetence on the part off the officiating crew. “Am I condemning the crew? Hell yeah, I’m condemning the crew,” Leach said. Reports are still spotty regarding whether or not Leach is a man and if he is 40.
Hokie Pokie – Bobby Bowden was 15-0 against Virginia Tech heading into Sunday’s match up in Blacksburg. I can’t remember the last time I was 15-0 in anything that didn’t involve playing a video game on the easiest difficulty level. Frank Beamer finally decided he was tired of watching Bowden lob 70-yard touchdowns to pixelated supermen and defeated his nemesis 40-21. A close game was blown open by 20 unanswered fourth quarter points by the Hokies. So to recap, BC defeats Tech, FSU defeats BC, and Tech defeats FSU. The transitive property has been disproved.
Orange you Glad this Place is Closing? – The Miami Hurricanes played like tropical
depressions for one night, losing to the Virginia Cavaliers 48-0. You have to applaud Miami for caring about their fans’ safety. To ensure that no one was in harm’s way when demolition started, they gave spectators a reason to head for the exits early. The win keeps UVA in the driver’s seat for the ACC Championship and keeps Miami wondering when Dwyane Wade is going to return to action.
Brennan's got a Baby - In Hawaii's win over Fresno State, Colt Brennan tied the NCAA career record for passing touchdowns at 121. A scary moment took place when he suffered a concussion and was forced to leave the game. The team expects him to make his next start, but in the off chance he does not, Tyler Graunke will get the nod. Graunke has thrown 12 touchdowns in his career at Hawaii, which begs the question: why is Graunke so selfish? The record would've been broken a long time ago without Tyler constantly vulturing touchdowns. Let's hope that Colt does not get Wally Pipped.
Today's Best 11.11.07
5. Mike Nolan - Despite the passing of his father, former 49ers head coach Dick Nolan, Mike will be on the sidelines tonight against the Seattle Seahawks. Nolan has missed practice the past two days, but is coaching this week's game as a tribute to his father. "My father always projected
an image of authority, and I wanted to honor him." Mike Nolan successfully lobbied the league last season to allow him to wear a suit on the sidelines, largely because his father did so. Hopefully, everyone with a heart will be cheering for the 49ers tonight. If you need any extra incentive, just think about how annoying Shaun Alexander is.
4. T-Mac & Ming Yao - US and Chinese relations hit a new high when the Rockets beat the Bobcats 85-82. Yao and McGrady combined for 60 points, including all the Rockets points in a 16-8 run late in the fourth quarter. Despite the win, Yao was not ready to rest on his laurels. "We need to train much stronger or I'll get a heart attack or something," Yao opined. He then went back to chain smoking and eating a bucket of hot wings covered in bleu cheese dressing.
3. Hold the Mayo - While OJ Mayo scored 32 in his debut at USC, he also turned the ball over 8 times and was unable to lead the Trojans to victory over the Mercer Bears. At first I was not surprised to hear this, but upon learning that the team did not consist of five Ron Mercer clones, I changed my stance. I've been a critic of Mayo's ever since he had a forgettable game in the McDonald's All-Star game, and I was happy to hear that he came up short. If only because we get to read awful headlines like, "This Mayo's gone bad", and "Hold the Mayo".
2. Michael Beasley - When he chose to enroll at Kansas State, Beasley assumed he would be playing for Bob Huggins. Huggins then decided he would bolt to coach at his Alma Mater, West Virginia. When he's dealing with couch fires and backwoods rioting, he'll soon realize he made a huge mistake. In two games this weekend, Beasley posted two thirty point games and set a Big 12 record with 24 rebounds. Mike Beasley playing college basketball is like fishing with dynamite; you get easy results and lots of dead sturgeon.
1. Women's Basketball - For once, it appears that the men's game would be wise to take a cue from the ladies'. Three match ups this weekend pitted top 25 teams, while men's teams continued to feast on cupcakes. Stanford's women edged Rutgers on two late free throws by Candice Wiggins, Maryland knocked off Oklahoma thanks to 20-12 by Marissa Coleman, and UNC toppled Arizona State by holding the Sun Devils to 36% from the field. Both the people who watched these games said they were very exciting.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Avoid the Roid
A recent report stated that 11 MLB free agents have been linked to steroids. One of them, Jose Guiltyllen, has already been called out. The rest of the names are shrouded in mystery, as if a real life game of "Guess Who?" is playing out. Here at Garbage Points, we want to know if your person is wearing a hat. So here are our guesses as to the names that will be revealed in this report. Whoever gets the most correct will get a year's supply of HGH, courtesy of the two losers. To avoid breaking the law, the two losers will have to undergo a procedure to have all the naturally-occurring HGH in their bodies drained. Of course, the names we've listed below are pure speculation and should not be interpreted as an accusation of guilt. So don't sue me, bro!
Dhivy:
Jorge Posada – Had a career year in which he hit .338, his highest average since hitting .287 in 2000. I was going to make a joke about steroids affecting the size of his son's head, but I just learned that Jorge Jr. suffers from a disease called craniosynostosis. Whatever, his dad's a cheater.
Paul Lo Duca – Only so many of his tantrums can be attributed to a fiery Italian temper. Plus I want to see Ramon Castro get the starting job for New York, so I'm starting a rumor that 'Lo Duca' is Italian for 'the clear'.
Jose Valentin – Another one of my beloved Mets who I wouldn't be surprised to hear was juicing. No one his age should be able to grow a mustache that strong through natural means. His history of injuries raises yet another red flag.
Luis Gonzalez – He hit 57 home runs in 2001 and his second highest yearly total was 31. This is the same difference between high years as Brady Anderson, the poster child for steroids. I still say Brady ruined his career by posing for that poster.
David Eckstein – The Little Engine the Could taught me the importance of persistence and determination. It's a shame that 'persistence' and 'determination' turned out to be street names for 'steroids' and 'more steroids'.
Kenny Lofton – He was a little too excited after hitting a home run off Matsuzaka in the ALCS, and his shouting match with Josh Beckett was just weird. These random outbursts of emotion point to the juice. Plus being lampooned in a DHL commercial probably sent him into a downward spiral.
Bartolo Colon – Former Cy Young winner who's seen his ERA and weight balloon the past two seasons, amidst a rash of injuries. In his defense, it was very irresponsible of BALCO to manufacture a steroid that could be taken in Twinkie form.
Francisco Cordero – Suspicion of steroid use arose when he gave up 1 run over his first 24.2 innings last season, which was a huge change from 2006, when he gave up 24.2 runs in his first 1 inning.
Kerry Wood – His career was ruined by injuries and it's not inconceivable that he'd try something crazy to regain his form. And by crazy, I mean something I would definitely do if it meant I'd get a multi-million dollar contract to play baseball.
Roger Clemens – One of my favorite conspiracy theories is the Clemens has been sitting out the beginning of the past few seasons as an under-the-table suspension. Because of his celebrity, outing Clemens as a steroid user would actually do the league more harm than good. Isn't it coincidental that he just accepted a consulting position?
Quang:
tony clark - in 2005 he hit 30 home runs but only scored 47 runs. i don't think this is an indication of steroid use 
though, i just thought it was interesting. what is an indication of steroid use is that he's 6-7. that's too tall.
michael barrett - michael barrett ruins everything. he punched aj pierzynski, he scuffled with carlos zambrano, and he was dreadful for the padres. the first two things are evidence of roid rage. the third is evidence of two much backne affecting his mechanics.
mike maroth - in 2003, mike maroth curiously lost 21 games. in the four years since, he hasn't got as many as 15 losses in a season. very suspicious.
kris benson - anna benson is too crazy for one of these two not to be on steroids.
russ ortiz - in 2003, russ ortiz finished 4th in the cy young and 27th in the mvp vote. this means there were only 26 players in the national league who were either better or took more steroids than russ ortiz in 2003. in 2007, russ ortiz wasn't even the 26th best player on his own team..
kenny rogers - it is well-known that in last 2006 playoffs kenny rogers came under heat for pitching with some sort of substance on his hand. less well-known is that that substance was steroids.
kaz matsui - in his first three seasons in the league, kaz matsui hit a home run in his first at bat of each season. this meant after the first at bat of each of his first three seasons, he was on pace for about 600 home runs each year. i don't think it's possible to at any point be on pace for 600 home runs in a season without steroids.
jason kendall - on my list just so i can imagine how bad he'd be if he didn't take steroids. in oakland last year, he batted .226 with a .281 slugging percentage. without steroids he would have batted .000 and worked in the cubicle next to me most of the year. 
milton bradley - i'm a milton bradley fan and sadly it appears he has all the symptoms of a common steroid user. one, he's fiery and emotional. two, he's very frequently injured. and three, he's a baseball player.
shawn green - in 2002 shawn green hit four home runs in a single game. four home runs in a game? more like four steroids in a game. also, by the end of that game shawn green had accumulated 19 total bases which broke the major league record. uh, there are only four total bases in a game.
Joe:
Michael Barrett - After his dust-up with Big Z, Carlos Zambrano that got him shipped out to San Diego, My guess is that Barrett turned to the roids because he got his ass handed to him by a pitcher. Granted this pitcher is a huge, hits moonshot home-runs and breaks bats over his knees when striking out, but he is a pitcher nonetheless.
Paul LoDuca - Ramon Castro proved himself to be a more apt starter than LoDuca this year and to take the focus off of the horse gambling and infidelity stories Paulie decided he needs something extra to focus on baseball, it hasn't worked.
Luis Gonzalez - If the front office of the team that Luis had his best season with suspects he was on steroids, who am I to argue?
Barry Bonds - Just a hunch, also I think I've heard someone mention that he was on steroids before.
Kris Benson - After reading that FHM interview a couple years ago, I could perfectly understand if Kris had to start juicing to help deal with Anna Benson's unearthly libido.
Yorvit Torrealba - Looking at Yorvit's numbers, it would be hard to figure that he was a candidate to be juicing. however I found it very interesting that Torrealba's agent sought out Omar Minaya, the same Omar Minaya that gave Guillermo Mota a two year, $5 million contract immediately following his 50 game suspension for steroid use.
Roger Clemens - I really hope he is just to hear Yankees radio broadcaster, Susan Waldman, break the news story, "OF ALL THE THINGS IVE HEARD...."
Milton Bradley - Milton Bradley is really really crazy. There are only two possible reasons. Roid Rage being one, and the rise of the Internet and television taking away from quality family time and robbing him of millions from his board game empire being the other.
Armando Benitez - I love Armondo Benitez. I'm probably the first Met 
fan to admit to this publically however. Judging with how lights out he was during the 2000 and 2001 regular seasons with the Mets the only earthly explanation is steroids.
Kazuo Matsui - WTF? The only time Kaz Matsui ever produced with the Mets was the day after he came back from injuries. Now all of a sudden, with the Mets one injury away from having ME play second base he wants to be a hero for Colorado scoring 84 runs and stealing 32 bases in 104 games during their run to the World Series. This bump in production is clearly due to steroids.
Today's Best - 11.08.07
5. pat white - pat white ran for a 50-yard tie-breaking touchdown with 1:36 left in the game to lead the west virginia moutaineers to a 38-31 victory over the underwhelming louisville [louisville's mascot]s. he also had two touchdowns through the air in additon to his 25 pass attempts for 181 yards and 24 rush attempts for 147 yards. the news wasn't all good though, as pat white did not catch a single pass. which i imagine doesn't bode well for his nfl chances since most scouts see him as a receiver in the pros. also not boding well for his nfl chances: he hasn't been drafted yet.
4. clinton portis - when the redskins were making a playoff push in 2005, i attributed their success to clinton portis dressing up in silly costumes for his weekly press conferences. thankfully, after a long hiatus, he's back to his old tricks. i guess when you run for 196 yards the game before, you can do whatever you want. i don't think i can add anything that either hasn't been said or anything that would be better than reading either of these two articles so i won't try. but let's just pretend i did and tell everyone how funny it was.
3. the dallas mavericks - the mavericks beat the warriros 120-115 last night at oracle in a hard fought game. but more importantly, it looks like after beating the team who eliminated them from the playoffs in the first round last year as an 8 seed, it is actually the mavericks who get the last laugh. sure they warriors may have won last may, but according to my calendar it isn't may any more, it's nuggvember. and from what i understand, dallas beating golden state in the fifth game of this season, means a lot more for this season than golden state beating four times out of six last season. anyways warriors, you may have won the playoff series in hilarious fashion last year, but you've lost the fifth game of the year. and the only thing you should "believe" is that payback is a devin harris.
1. chinese people - according to the following report, the first matchup between yao and yi will likely blow the super bowl ratings out of the water. this is apparently a really big event in china, which i don't really understand. aren't there a billion chinese people in china? don't chinese people see enough chinese people every day? i guess not, because the game "will air on 19 television stations" and "is expected to draw more than 200 million viewers in china" while "last year's super bowl drew 93 million." this is fascinating to me for so many reasons. how much yen are commercials going to cost? why is it necessary to air this on 19 different stations? what shows are competing against this? two and a half chinese men? are you smarter than a chinese fifth grader? do they have neilsen ratings in china or do they have their own separate chang ratings or something? is there a chinese espn that does excessive analysis on everything? is there a chinese sean salisbury? will either yi or yao say "i'm going to disney world" when one of them wins? does china have a disney world? does china have an epcot center? anyways, for one in five people in china, this is going to be quite an event. however in america, watching two chinese people play basketball is such a non-event that you can't even see the game on tv unless you have nba league pass. communists - 1, david stern - 0.Thursday, November 8, 2007
MLB Jump Offseason
the baseball offseason is barely a week old and it seems like there are already countless hot topics, burning questions, and pitching coaches actually on fire running around the league. how the upcoming baseball season is shaped depends greatly on how these topics are addressed, how these questions are answered, and how quickly these pitching coaches stopped, dropped, and rolled. so here is my take on the most pressing issues along with my prediction for what happens.
1. why on earth are there so many meetings?
today is the last day of the general managers' meetings in orlando. according to this calendar, next week the owners meet in naples, florida and in december, baseball holds its winter meetings in nashville. what do these meetings accomplish that couldn't be accomplished in one meeting or even a conference call? why do the owners need to meet separately? do they even talk about anything or is it just a big slumber party? it seems to me like all these meetings are just part of aan elaborate hoax so that owners can stay up late gossiping and braiding each other's hair while their general managers go hang out at disney world.
prediction: during the owners meetings, george steinbrenner wears bright read pajamas with a butt flap. it's gross.
2. what do the twins do with johan santana?
last season, a frustrated santana voiced his displeasure with the direction of the team. plainly, he told reporters that "it doesn't make any sense for me to be here." this season is his last under contract and twins are faced with a number of options. obviously, they are a better team with santana pitching every fifth day. though, i'd argue that they'd be a much better team with santana pitching every weekday. but that's besides the point, because the question is not should they re-sign him but if they can re-sign him. the twins are very budget-conscious and the going rate for belly-itchers is growing each year. if they decide that they can't re-sign santana then they have to ask whether they should play out the year and risk losing him for nothing, like they did with torii hunter, or trade santana and lose him for risky prospects. it's a tough situation for new twins manager bill smith not only because the twins' immediate future rests largely on this decision but also because bill smith is an extremely boring name.
prediction: the twins pay whatever it costs to re-sign santana and bill smith changes his name to pterodactyl nunchucks.
3. who is going to get miguel cabrera?
the marlins have made very clear that miguel cabrera is on the market and are seeking trade partners. it's hard to understand why florida thinks getting rid of one of the five best hitters in the league is a good idea. yes, his work ethic has been questioned, but i see that as a positive. one, he's currently one of the five best hitters in the league and he doesn't even try and two, if he keeps getting fatter then you'll have two of the five best hitters in the league. it just doesn't make much sense to me. but what do i know? the marlins have won two world series in the last ten years and i haven't come close to winning one yet. so instead of questioning their logic, let's look at their potential trade partners.
like always, the yankees are first in line. between phil hughes, joba chamberlain, and ian kennedy, they have a slew of young arms that they can offer the marlins. unfortunately, the marlins are asking for the entire slew while the yankees have said they are willing to part with only one of the three. the dodgers also could have interest even though they have another young third baseman in andy laroche. they have the prospects the marlins are looking for but again the only question is whether they are willing to part with them. the angels are in a similar position, but have long been afraid to trade potential for production. last up are the beloved white sox, whose manager is a native venezuelan and has been friends with cabrera throughout his young career. they probably can't match the overall talent that other teams have to offer, but maybe ozzie guillen can curse at the marlins so much that they have no choice. whatever happens, the price for cabrera will be steep but i expect it will be worth it.
prediction: the white sox trade their only talented prospects to the marlins for miguel cabrera. miguel cabrera then enjoys a season where he hits 65 home runs and plays each game with a deep dish pizza under his hat.
4. where is alex rodriguez going to sign?
a-rod opted out of his yankees contract because he thinks he deserves a $350 million contract which pays him over $30 million a year to play baseball. an athlete signing a $350 million contract is unprecedented and hard for me to comprehend. even moreso when you consider that even though waterworld was awful it still only cost $175 million. a-rod is looking for twice that. and in what non-waterworld is it possible for someone to justify paying a-rod two waterworlds? but appropriately, major league baseball, like waterworld, operates in a fantasy realm where money is lavishly spent without buyer's remorse. someone is going to write a-rod a fat check, the only question is who. there are only a few teams with deep enough pockets to even speak with rodriguez. though the team with the deepest pockets. the yankees, seems unlikely to be roped into this game. that leaves the red sox, angels, dodgers, giants, cubs, mets, and the san diego owls, the baseball team that plays in the city i made in simcity. we have unlimited resources because i found a code that gives you more money. we're also planning on building a new stadium because the old one kept experiencing brownouts. what a city.
prediction: the angels sign a-rod and i spent the rest of his career calling him "waterworld 2".
5. how is instant replay going to be implemented?
i didn't feel strongly one way or another about instant replay. of course it's important to get the calls right, but is it worth the cost of losing the emotion of the game? are walk off home runs going to be as exciting if they have to make sure it was the right call? but like most things, there is the good and the bad. and i assume general managers have decided they'd rather get the calls correct as opposed to just chalking mistakes up as "part of the game" because they've voted in favor of instant replay. nothing is set in stone yet, but it seems that beginning next year, things like home run calls will be replayed. whether that is all instant replay is limited to or other specifics like how many challenges each team can get or who initiates these challenges is still up in the air. my suggestion: replay everything. every play at the plate, every sliding catch, every normal catch, every strike, every ball. everything. this would result in baseball games that last upwards of eight hours. but more importantly, it'd weed out obnoxious bandwagon fans leaving only the true fans of the sport to feel satisfied that the winning team was the best team without a shadow of a doubt. then while the true fans are watching eight hour baseball games, the rest of us can egg their homes.
prediction: now that instant replay is in place, mlb retroactively awards the orioles the 1996 world series, stripping the yankees of the title. also jeffrey maier is sent to prison forever.
6. why are there so many center fielders available and where do they sign?
uh, there are so many center fielders available because their contracts all coincidentally expired this year. now for the much more interesting question, where are they headed? currently, we're looking at a group that includes torii hunter, andruw jones, aaron rowand, mike cameron. and don't worry, because if your team misses out on any of those four, you still have darin erstad, kenny lofton, and corey patterson looking for employment. and i say don't worry because i honestly don't care about your team especially since mine is going to sign one of the top four centerfielders. anyways, of those four, torii hunter is coming off a stellar year and is therefore the most coveted. myself, i like andruw jones. the critics will line up and tell you how he's lost a step in the outfield while the stats will line up and tell you how woeful he was at the plate last year. but for some reason i trust him more than i trust torii hunter. next up is aaron rowand whose claim to fame is playing recklessly. even though i'm a big rowand fan, i can't see him duplicating his stats last year. the booby prize is mike cameron who is facing a 25-game suspension. so even before you factor in eventual injuries, next year he's already only playing a 137 game season. but one time, mike hit four home runs against the white sox in chicago. i'm hopeful the white sox sign him based on this alone. can you imagine how good the white sox would be if he managed to only do half that each game? in summary, these are all good center fielders. though because the market is a little flooded, i expect some team is going to get a center fielder at a bargain.
prediction: the white sox get andruw jones at a bargain after also spending heavily on torii hunter, aaron rowand, and mike cameron.
7. what team will barry bonds play for next year and how will their fans react?
just based on his inability to play the field, i think the list of barry bonds suitors is pared down to the fourteen american league teams. more interesting to me though, is since he is the most unliked player in the league, how will the fans of whatever team eventually signs him embrace him? i'm sure there will be initial outrage, but can fans ignore his surly demeanor and the steroid allegations if he produces like he's capable of? or will they be too disappointed about their team's tacit approval of the one player directly in the middle of the entire steroid controversy? i've spent some time thinking about it and i'm still not sure where i stand. would he help enough to overshadow the impending media circus? should that even matter to me? thankfully, since ozzie guillen has publicly stated that he wouldn't welcome barry bonds onto his team, i'll never know how i'll feel. though for oakland, baltimore, texas, seattle, los angeles of anaheim, and new york of bronx fans, it's something they are forced to consider. it's a tough situation. but if i were barry bonds, i'd just retire. then i'd move to the dominican republic and return to baseball next year as a 17-year old baseball prodigy.
prediction: barry stays in the bay area and signs with the athletics. it's a perfect fit. he doesn't have to move and no one watches a's games anyways.
8. who would re-sign juan uribe?
ken williams, the smartest man alive, that's who. i guess more appropriate questions would have been "why is juan uribe the greatest?" and "why does juan uribe mean more to me than school or church?" but, that ship has sailed. and besides, the answer for both questions is the same: because juan uribe ate my homework. since frank thomas left, juan uribe has been by far my favorite white sox player. i couldn't bear to see him hit an average amount of home runs and get on base fewer than 3 out of 10 times for any other team. apparently though, i'm one of the few who feel this way. for some reason, most white sox fans are quick to kick him out the door even though he's a perfectly normal shortstop who has made a handful of the most important defensive plays i've ever seen. i'd like to say that he's just fallen victim to the prevailing "what have you done for me lately" world. but since his long list of what he's done lately includes things like "get cleared of any involvement in someone getting shot in the dominican republic", "hit a walk off home run against the indians last year" and "exude greatness", i think the problem isn't "what have you done for me lately" it's "why have you done so much for me lately". whatever the case is, thanks to a one-year, $4.5 million deal, i'm ensured of another year of wearing a juan uribe t-shirt jersey that isn't comically out of date. and for that i'm grateful.
prediction: juan uribe wins the mvp next year. the mvp of the wii sports tournament he holds in his basement.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Today's Best - 11.07.07
5. Gardner-Webb University - the university of kentucky has over 16,000 ungdergraduate students, while gardner-webb has only 2,300. but they only allow five players on the court at a time and the five the wildcats trotted out were defeated 84-68 in the coaches vs. cancer classic. taking over for the much-maligned tubby smith, head coach billy gillespie would have been better served spending his birthday playing pin the tail on the donkey, or just eating cake and running around until his parents put him to bed.
gardner-webb began the game on a 14-0 run and never looked back, except to occasionally point and laugh at kentucky. the bulldogs from boiling springs, north carolina now head to madison square garden for the quarterfinals.
4. Chris Kaman - captain caveman ripped down 22 boards as the clippers remained undefeated. he's averaging 16.5 points and 16.5 rebounds over his first four games and has helped the clippers survive the loss of elton brand. i say trade brand now and just build the team around kaman. if all else fails, he and sam cassell can headline as the team converts to a travelling freakshow.
3. Mike Woodson - behind double-doubles from marvin williams, josh smith, joe johnson and josh childress, plus 15 boards from al horford, the atlanta hawks defeated the phoenix suns 105-96. expectations for the hawks are high and the early returns on woodson as head coach have been positive. the suns were without amare stoudemire for the third straight game, who sat out because he is on my fantasy basketball team and amare stoudemire hates me. josh smith was pleased with the result but told reporters, "we should be 4-0". when told that the hawks have been outscored in two games, making 2-2 their correct record, smith told reporters, "shut up."
2. Brad Lidge - i can't think of a pitcher whose career was derailed by one pitch more than brad lidge. ever since he gave up a ninth-inning home run to albert pujols in the 2005 nlcs, he hasn't been the same. today he was traded to the phillies and they're hoping a change of
scenery will help his game. of course, when the new scenery is a launching pad like citizens' bank, we may see lidge watching a few more homers before all's said and done.
1. Drayton McLane - in an attempt to get roger clemens off the diamond once and for all, the chairman and c.e.o. of the astros has given him a position as a consultant to the team. while i applaud any effort to reduce the amount of time i spend looking at roger clemens, i fail to see what kind of advice he would be able to dispense. i'd imagine most of his tips would be "have you tried throwing a devastating splitter?" or "maybe you should win seven cy young awards." by the time hunter pence explains that he's not a pitcher, clemens would probably lose interest and try to sign with the yankees to consult at a higher salary.
Cotto Must Break Mosley
In Rocky III, Apollo Creed agrees to be Rocky Balboa's sparring partner and trainer for the fight of the century against Clubber Lang, a loudmouth, brash champion on the rampage. Apollo Creed, Balboa's former rival and ex-champion seems to bring out the best in Balboa, getting him re-focused on his inner strength and preparing him for his eventual victory against Lang. In the next installment of Rocky, Creed is savagely killed in the ring by a wrecking machine named Ivan Drago.Earlier this year, "Sugar" Shane Mosley agreed to be his former rival, and now business associate Oscar De La Hoya's sparring partner prior to the Floyd Mayweather - Oscar De La Hoya super-fight. Apparently Mosley wasn't able to get him re-focused and prepared as Mayweather defeated De La Hoya handily by decision. On Saturday, Shane Mosley faces his next installment, in the form of wrecking machine, Miguel Cotto for Cotto's WBA Welterweight championship. Mosley should hope that the parallel does not hold true again and he isn't savagely killed in the ring by Cotto's supernatural power to the body.
Miguel Cotto (30 - 0 - 0 (25 KO)) was last seen in an eleven round TKO victory over the enigmatic Zab Judah. Judah lost the will to fight mainly due to the punishment inflicted by Cotto's body punches but also due to two vicious, yet incidental low-blows early in the fight. Ive never seen a fighter induce so many knockouts and stoppages with body punches. Although Cotto has the tendency to get hit because he is always moving towards his opponent, he never stops punching and has beaten fighters that have tried to win a defensive fight as well as those who have tried to match his aggressive style.Shane Mosley (44 - 4 - 1 (37 KO)) stopped Fernando Vargas twice in 2006, however Vargas was clearly in the swan-song of his troubled career. Mosley has not had a signature win since beating Oscar De La Hoya for the second time in 2004. Cotto doesn't immediately seem like the type of fighter that would give Mosley trouble as Shane's losses have come to defensive fighters Winky Wright and Vernon Forrest that were able to deal with Mosley's superb hand speed. Mosley has a skill-set similar to Judah however and Cotto was able to deal with that style without much trouble in his last fight.
Cotto is nine years younger as well as a hungrier fighter who is in the prime of his career with hands made of stone. He is extremely comfortable in the ring at Madison Square Garden, winning his last two fights there decisively amid throngs of supporters from his native Puerto Rico. He is never outworked and his only weakness seems to be reach and height disadvantages caused by his Mighty Mouse stature. Mosley however wont be able to capitalize on these disadvantages fully as he is only one inch taller than Cotto. Vegas is favoring Cotto as well, offering a moneyline of around -150, and although a notorious slow starter, Cotto will prevail and it's a bet that I would surely take. Mosley has never faced someone with this type of power and will be worn down into submission like most of the other fighters that have tried to stop Cotto in the past. The Complaint Department – Asterisks are for Kids*
Don Shula feels that the Patriots’ season deserves an asterisk if they end up undefeated, as a result of being caught taping their opponents’ sideline signals. “The Spygate thing has diminished what they’ve accomplished,” the soon-to-be octogenarian said. Coming from Shula, this remark sounds like sour grapes. As head coach of the only undefeated team in history, Shula is in a class by himself and probably doesn’t want Bill Belichick sharing the glory. What Shula doesn’t realize is that if someone else was in his class, they could pass notes, play pranks on the teacher, and copy each other’s homework.
What upsets me more than anything is this idea that we can attach an asterisk to records to maintain history. I’m no political scholar, but Article VI of the Constitution clearly states, “Records are meant to be broken and King George III is a goober”. Fashion designer Marc Ecko bought Barry Bonds’ 756th home run ball and wants to brand it with an asterisk. Bonds has threatened to boycott the Hall of Fame if this takes place. Who does Marc Ecko think he is? I’d rather the Hall of Fame pay homage to the greatest hitter of all-time, rather than appease some fashion designer who was killed by the smoke monster on “Lost”. 
Babe Ruth only played against white players; does that mean there should be an asterisk next to his name? Hank Aaron played against no Asian players and a limited number of Hispanic players, so are his numbers valid? Billie Jean King was twenty-five years younger than Bobby Riggs when she won the Battle of the Sexes, how is that fair? The atmosphere that sports are played in is constantly changing and we can’t hold 
every variable constant. If we give an asterisk to the Patriots for filming hand signals, we have to give one every time the competition is not perfectly level. Before you know it we are up to our necks in asterisks and every record looks like someone is censoring a curse word. Get ready to wear out your ‘shift’ and ‘8’ keys.
* The title of this post was stolen from a General Mills cereal slogan, so any records this post sets should be erased from history.
Today's Best - 11.06.07
5. Quentin Richardson - As the only Knicks starter not to score 21 or more points in a 119 - 112 victory over the Nuggets, Quentin Richardson made sure that too many cooks did not spoil the broth. And judging from Quentin's pudgy build, the last thing he wants is spoiled broth. His seven points were also coincidentally the margin of victory, making them the most important seven points of the game. More importantly, those seven points ruined George Karl's night, as earlier in the week he was quoted as saying that the Garden was his favorite place to win games. It's a shame he wont have the chance to do so again this season unless the Nuggets and the Knicks meet in the NBA Finals.
4. Paul Byrd - Less than three weeks after published reports indicated that Byrd purchased $25,000 worth of human growth hormone from an anti-aging clinic the Cleveland Indians picked up a $7.5 million team option on the 37 year old soft-tosser. Long-time proponent of tougher performance enhancing drug rules in baseball, and long-time blowhard, Curt Schilling also inked a contract for next year signing a $8 million dollar deal. The fact that Paul Byrd's perceived value is only $500,000 less than that of Schilling, a veritable hall of fame candidate tells me that I need to get my hands on some HGH immediately; if we all take HGH at Garbage Points then maybe we can get almost as many readers as the more well known sports blogs - it's a perfect parallel.
3. Priest Holmes - In an unlikely turn of events Priest Holmes, after an almost two year absence from regular play in the NFL may regain his starting position at running back for the Kansas City Chiefs. Two years ago fantasy football players everywhere that selected Larry Johnson in their drafts reaped the benefits of a monster season when Priest went down with a severe neck injury. Now the Priest seeks Penance from those that were ruined by his 2005 injury and took the chance on him this season. With Larry Johnson bound to miss at least this week with a sprained foot, I for one think that Priest has a good chance to match Johnson's 2005 stats when he ran for 1750 yards and 20 TDs mostly after taking over as the starter. I'd advise all fantasy managers to get Priest in their lineups for this week especially since due to the difference of severity in the injuries, he may only have one week to compile all of those stats. I know in my league's scoring system that's a whopping 295 fantasy points! You cant leave that kind of production on the waiver wire.
2. Strippers - NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell made a lot of aspiring actresses and veterinarians happy with his decision to uphold the full season suspension of Adam "Pacman" Jones. If Jones was granted reinstatement after 10 games, a condition that Goodell suggested would be considered, one would have to assume that Jones would start to eat lunch at the Titans team facilities instead of his daily trips to the local strip club lunch buffet. In his attempt to refurbish the NFL's image Goodell has killed two birds with one stone. He keeps the troubled pro-bowl corner-back off of the field, reinforcing his hard-line stance on personal conduct and at the same time he shows that the NFL truly cares about showing benevolence to single-mothers.
1. Chris Paul - Chris Paul set a Hornets team record by dishing out 21 assists in a win against the Lakers. More impressive was the fact that he only played 35 minutes. 6 of the 21 assists were on Peja Stojakovic three pointers as the sharpshooter returned to his Sacramento Kings shooting form knocking down 10 shots from beyond the arc. Paul found time to also drop in 19 points while passing the basketball around like it was a hot-potato. This performance solidifies my theory that Chris Paul is the awsomest! And apparently Kobe Bryant feels so as well, commenting that "Chris Paul, he's a fantastic player. He's really something.", yep Kobe that's right he is something, hes the awesomest!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
NBA Preview: Most Improved Player
Webster's dictionary defines 'improve' as "the act of composing, reciting, playing, or singing extemporaneously". While I see no correlation between that and the lists we've created below, you have to admit that we're getting better at this blogging thing. You might even say we're worthy of some sort of award that honors a person for becoming better at their craft over time.
Joe:
10. nate robinson - nate seems to have answered everyone's requests that he stop acting like a clown and focus on basketball. he can now be trusted to backup either starting guard on the Knicks.
Quang:
10. andray blatche - such an immensely gifted player that for christmas, santa claus asks andray blatche for presents.
9. daniel gibson - thankfully eating into damon jones' minutes while damon jones is eating into a can of pringles.
8. kelenna azubuike - a good bet to become this year's monta ellis. the real monta ellis is therefore a good bet to become a victim of identity theft.
7. martell webster - terrific shooter who should benefit from all the open looks that result from greg oden tripping blazer opponents with his crutches.
6. rashad mccants - he's another year removed from microfracture and the only real perimeter threat on the wolves other than antoine walker, who is actually more of a perimeter threat to the wolves.
5. andrew bynum - kobe's venomous rant may have lit a fire under him. bynum's best response is to have a solid year before lighting kobe on fire.
4. jason maxiell - yesterday, jason maxiell dunked on shelden williams. today, candace parker asked shelden williams to sign a prenup.
3. tyrus thomas - inserted into the starting lineup after surprisingly gaining scott skiles' trust. hopefully, this ends
better for scott skiles than the time he trusted a nigerian businessman who emailed him asking for help in transferring money back and forth.2. lamarcus aldridge - by the end of the year, blazers fans will be asking "greg who?" after aldridge's stellar year. lamarcus aldridge will reply "greg oden, you clods".
1. rudy gay - mutli-talented and poly-dimensional. the only potential obstacle between rudy gay and the most improved player award is that scorekeepers won't know how to correctly score the 150 dunks he has from halfcourt each game.
Dhivy:
10. marvin williams - his athletic ability makes him a candidate to break out, assuming that all he's asked to do is showboat while dunking.
9. danny granger - i wish he played for houston, dallas, or san antonio so we could call him "danny: texas granger".
8. linas kleiza - assuming carmelo and iverson aren't the only nuggets allowed to shoot, kleiza has a chance at a big year.
7. ronnie brewer - if sloan can find him minutes, he'll produce. but it's just as likely that brewer will be run out of utah because of his name.
6. thabo sefolosha - defenders will be to busy trying to pronounce his name and by then, he'll already be past them.
5. dorell wright - dorell wright has eight essential vitamins and minerals.
4. rudy gay - unless quang kidnaps him a la "misery", he'll be a huge part of the grizzlies success.
3. andray blatche - the wizards need post scoring and blatche's athleticism makes him a prime candidate.
2. raymond felton - the bobcats playing at a faster pace suits felton's game well.
1. rashad mccants - great scorer who gets big minutes thanks to the youth movement in minny. microfracture? not even macrofracture cound stop rashad.
Colorado Must Be Stopped
i bit my tongue when they somehow changed halloween from october 31st to rocktober 31st, but colorado's recent obsession with recreating our calendar has now gotten out of hand. weeks ago i bought a plane ticket home for thanksgiving. now i'm not sure whether thanksgiving is still on or even if my ticket scheduled for "november" and not "nuggvember" is still valid. it cost like $400! and what about their blatant disrespect for our veterans and their day? i can already see the chaos now: "uh, i'm sorry veterans, but veterans day is the 11th of november. today is clearly the 11th of nuggvember. and according to our company's policy, i'm afraid i can not accept this 'buy one whopper, get one free' coupon." we can not continue to stand idly by while colorado progressively invades the entire year. because if we do, here's what i think we'll be faced with.
- janugguary - the new year never starts because everytime the countdown gets close to zero, carmelo anthony hits a clutch jumper and sends the old year into overtime.
- febroncoary - instead of "be mine", "kiss me", and "maybe tonight", valentines day candy hearts read "be mike shanahan's", "kiss mike shanahan", and "definitely mike shanahan every night".
- mavalarche - if you don't wear green on st. patrick's day, you no longer get pinched. you get penatly minutes.
- avaprilanche - tax day is avaprilanche 15th. avaprilanche fool's! tax day is every day, and the avalanche only accept hip checks.
- carmaylo anthony - while everyone else is taking siestas to celebrate cinco de carmaylo, carmelo runs around pouring salsa on our heads.
- junuggets - hey george karl, thanks for knocking out this rent! hey george karl, i sure love this hot water! hey george karl, this is easy to read with all this light! happy father's day, george karl.
- julykies - fireworks on independence day have been replaced with matt holliday coming down your chimney to hit you with a bat. why is he coming down a chimney? because colorado is out of control.
- broncaugust - since nothing noteworthy happens in broncaugust, colorado just gives everyone bronchitis.
- septembrock - on labor day everyone gets the day off of work, to do todd helton's chores.
- rocktober - every rocktoberfest, the rockies get swept in the world series forcing the rest of us to put up with the growing smugness of red sox fans.
- nuggvember - in nuggvember, grown men go to nuggets games, hold up signs that look like they were made by elementary school students, and embarrass their families.
- decembroncos - jay cutler is makes a list and checks it twice, thereby finding out who's naughty and nice. then he throws coal at you if you're on either list.
Season Preview: Sixth Man of the Year
Jason Terry lost his starting point guard job to Devin Harris and is now coming off the bench. Even with Harris injured, Avery Johnson kept Terry on the bench and started JJ Barea. Terry was a sub on an Arizona team that won the National Championship, so it's a role he's very comfortable with. While Terry seems like a great option to be sixth man of the year, he doesn't appear on any of our lists. Why is this the case? Because we are ignorant.
2. David Lee - America's favorite Knick, his defensive limitations will be overlooked because hes a double-double machine.
in a fight? probably because he’s always just been in a fight.
3. manu ginobili - if you're one of your team's "big three", i think you should be disqualified from winning sixth man of the year. likewise, if your last name is ginobili, you should be disqualified from ever shooting free throws.Today's Best - 11.05.07
5. the wizards - for the first time this season, the wizards have gone two consecutive days without losing. they don't play until thursday, and by then they could conceivably have a four day non-losing streak to build on.
4. isiah thomas - a day after the knicks home opener, they were greeted with heavy skepti- and criti- cisms. and this was after a game they actually won. i guess it's business as usual in new york. luckily though, isiah thomas doesn't give a blank about these white people. and thanks in part to that mantra, he has managed to keep the knicks focused on wins and losses and not what is going outside of madison square garden and trucks.
Monday, November 5, 2007
The End-Around - 11.04.07
Yeah, but did he graduate? - Adrian Peterson proved he is the manliest NFL player with a girls’ name by setting a new record for most rushing yards in a single game. The rookie racked up 296 yards on 30 carries, scoring three touchdowns along the way. So let this be a lesson to all you kids out there: stay in school. Unless you break your collarbone in a game that your father was released from prison to watch. In that case, forego your remaining eligibility and declare for the NFL draft
Cromartie Man - Before Sunday, Devin Hester, Nathan Vasher and Ellis Hobbs were all tied for the longest play in NFL history. To save us from having to remember three names, Antonio Cromartie returned a missed field goal 109 yards. Why has this record suddenly been set and/or broken four times in the past three seasons? This is akin to Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire shattering the home run record in the same season. So the only logical conclusion is that Antonio Cromartie is on steroids.
Brady v. Manning: Round 10 - The Colts finally put an end to the Patriots magical season.
While they lost the game 24-20, Peyton Manning & co. became the first team to cover a spread against New England all season. The game was clinched on a first down by Wes Welker, who in the mold of the “classy” Patriots organization, turned to the Colts secondary and screamed, “you fu*king suck!” Now that it’s over, the question is obvious: what is that rapid, air high-five thing the Patriots do on the sidelines? It looks ridiculous.The not-so-Cowardly Lions - Jon Kitna continued to demonstrate his sanity as Detroit won their sixth game of the season by burying Denver 44-7. At the halfway mark, the Lions are well on their way to Kitna’s forecasted 10 win season. Rather than perpetuate previous putridity, Detroit has persistently proven the purported preposterous pre-season prediction was primarily produced to provoke passion in players and placate patron passivity with prolific passing. P.
Gunslinger Dementiality - In Kansas City, Brett Favre led the Packers, and all of America, to a 33-22 comeback victory. However, of more importance than a Green Bay win was that for the 232nd consecutive game, no one had more fun than Brett Favre
as he finished with 43 fun besting the Chiefs' workman-like 27 fun. Next week, the Packers host a Minnesota team hoping to put an end to Green Bay's winning and fun streaks. Sources report that Vikings' practices this week will likely involve moon bounces and laser tag. 
In the race for Darren McFadden, the Falcons suffered a setback when they defeated the 49ers to even their records at 2-6. Oakland and Cincinnati also fell to 2-6, while the Jets continued to disappoint and dropped to 1-8. The Dolphins and Rams were unable to lose on their bye weeks, so they still remain at 0-8. If the ’72 Dolphins drink champagne every time the last undefeated loses, what would a team that goes 0-16 do to celebrate a last place team’s first win? Drink Natural Light?Today's Best - 11.04.07
4. kobe bryant - over the summer, kobe expressed his desire for a trade and voiced his dissatisfication with his current laker teammates. as we should have expected, it appears that this was an ingenious motivational ploy all along. because over the weekend, thanks to surprising contributions from those same laker teammates, los angeles routed the suns in phoenix and beat the jazz handily at home. i imagine kobe will try to keep up this momentum by leaving his teammates messages reminding them how awful they are while also reminding them how bad he stuffed kirilenko last night.3. grand valley state - in an exhibition game in east lansing, grand valley state, a division ii school, overcame the fact that "grand valley" is not among the 50 real states and toppled the 8th ranked spartans in double overtime. luckily for michigan state, this was an exhibition game and the points didn't matter. it was basically just an episode of "whose line is it anyways". except instead of drew carey laughing at colin mochrie's improv comedy it was tom izzo screaming at drew neitzel's improv comedy. but exhibition or not, grand valley state pulled off an impressive upset. and if they ever apply for statehood, they have my support.
2. adrian peterson - the chicago bears backup running back will receive a pleasant surprise monday morning when he opens up his local newspaper and finds out that he broke the single game rushing record, even though his team was on a bye. excited, and under the assumption that the hall of fame will probably want his equipment to put on display in canton, adrian peterson sends them his slippers, a bathrobe, and the bowl he ate cereal out of while sitting on the couch. once that is settled, peterson decides to stop by bed, bath, and beyond to buy a new cereal bowl.
1. a-rod - according to sources on friday, a-rod was seeking a $350 million deal from the yankees. according to additional sources, other things a-rod was seeking from the yankees include the moon, a time machine, lou gehrig's disease to be renamed alex rodriguez's disease, and an iphone. what is it even like to walk around thinking in your head that you're worth $350 million? wouldn't you just always think to yourself, "wow, i'm not wearing nice enough pants" or "why am i walking around when i could be riding a zebra?" but with all that said, if i were an owner and a-rod was asking for $350 million, i'd probably just bite the bullet and sign him. then i'd hand him a $350 million gift certificate to chili's. "hope you like awesome blossoms, you jerk."
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Season Preview: Rookie of the Year
To continue our series of baseless predictions, here are our picks for Rookie of the Year. Feel free to give us your opinions and tell us where we went wrong in the comment section below.
Joe:
4. Corey Brewer - this swingman will get plenty of playing time on a struggling Minnesota and is completely capable of double digit scoring and rebounds on any given night, along with hard nosed defense. Quang:
10. jeff green - compliments kevin durant well. examples, "hey kevin, nice shot!" and "great pass, kevin!"
9. corey brewer - plays incredibly hard all the time. strangely, even when he's on the bench.
8. al thornton - he's one of the oldest drafted rookies which is reason enough to play him over tim thomas and ruben patterson.
7. nick young - currently shooting 100% from three. what are you shooting from three? oh that's right, undefined%.
6. rodney stuckey - a broken hand won't derail what should be a productive rookie season. unless "hand" is piston slang for "brain".
5. mike conley jr. - very good point guard, though, the grizzlies may regret passing on mike conley sr.
4. juan carlos navarro - at 27, he's kind of a fake rookie.
but at 25, drew barrymore was kind of a fake high schooler in "never been kissed". and that seemed to turn out ok.3. acie law iv - rookie who is most likely to scream "that's what i do!" at least once during the season. hopefully he's not screaming that while fouling out of games.
2. al horford - the only reason shelden williams should ever play more minutes than al horford is if the nba decides that this year, the team that scores the fewest points wins.
1. kevin durant - obvious pick. not obvious is that he's going to be the first rookie to average 20 ppg. ...uh, apparently, that's happened before. whatever, he's still awesome.
Dhivy:
10. jeff green - will lose votes because of durant's impact. more specifically, durant's fist's impact on green's face. jeff green is annoying.
9. aaron brooks - the rockets back court is crowded, but he'll force his way into the rotation.
8. mike conley jr. - ditto with the grizzlies, conley should start around mid-season.
7. juan carlos navarro - if only because pau gasol is going to stuff the ballot box.
6. oleksiy pecherov - his competition at center is brendan haywood. anyone would look good in that light.
5. corey brewer - i'd liken his impact to that of tayshaun prince his rookie year.
4. acie law iv - leads the hawks to the playoffs and has a bulbous nose.
3. al horford - a big part of the renaissance in atlanta and u of florida's least annoying star player.
2. al thornton - most rookies don't have the advantages of being 24-years-old. plus, with brand out he gets more minutes.
1. kevin durant - despite skipping a week in the middle of the season becuase he feels bad for torching so many teams, durant runs away with rookie of the year.
Heismania - 11.03.07
with the first pick of the 2008 nfl draft... - darren mcfadden ran for 323 yards to lead the arkansas razorbacks to victory over the south carolina steve spurriers. i don't see what the big deal is, in high school i was running 300 meters in 35 seconds. it took darren almost 60 minutes to get there.
corny huskers - kansas and nebraska decided to let their basketball teams decide this one and the jayhawks pulled away 76-39. bill self will still find a way to blow it in the bcs, though.
that tiger went tiger! - lsu launched a late comeback and a key fumble recovery led to victory over alabama. after the game, nick saban accepted the head coaching job for the chicago rush.
seminole victory - as my alma mater virginia tech was unable to do last week, fsu knocked off the number two team in the country. this was the fourth time in five weeks the number two team was defeated, proving ricky bobby's theory that "if you ain't first, you're last".
notre lame - the navy midshipmen defeated the fighting irish for the first time in 44 games, dropping them to 1-8. charlie weis was rewarded with another contract extension, while notre dame alumni reiterated their hatred for ty willingham.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Teamless in Seattle
here's a question no one thought about: how is kevin durant going to respond to having to play in oklahoma? although he was only there for a year, while durant was at the university of texas, he bled burnt orange. not actual blood, that would be disgusting. but you have to wonder if playing in front of his most hated rivals 41 times a year is going to affect him in any way. maybe it will raise durant's game to another level and he'll become the first player to win the wooden award in two different leagues. or maybe he'll have flashbacks to dj augustin dribbling off his knees and start crying.what about the confusion this causes in scheduling? currently, the sonics play in the pacific division. barring a massive shift in the earth's tectonic plates, their new home will be over 1,000 miles from the pacific ocean. the closest team in proximity would be the dallas mavericks, which is a more unnatural rivalry than the baltimore orioles and the washington expos. how will this affect back-to-back games? won't players have more jet lag to deal with? will they change the division to the "pacific and that team in the middle of nowhere"?
who knows, a move might be the best thing for the organization. yesterday was the third day of the season and the crowd was packed with signs that said "fire bennett", "save our sonics", and "noklahoma". it upset me that no one brought a cardboard cutout of cam'ron with a speech bubble that said "no oklahomo", but i digress. the fans are paying more attention to the front office than they are to the product on the court. the sonics haven't given them much reason to care about their play, but with the young prospects they have, i'd expect to see signs like "elementary, earl watson", "jeff green is jeffective", and "kevin durant bled burnt orange. not actual blood, that would be disgusting." so here's hoping that next year, at free lasso night at the marlboro cigarettes civic arena, the sonics will finally be greeted by a home crowd that appreciates them for what they really are: a terrible basketball team.Season Preview: MVP
the nba season is barely two days old and joe's atlanta hawks unsung hero was has already been cut. so in order to ensure that we get some of our uninformed predictions right this year, we decided to make so many uninformed predictions that it's impossible that we don't get a few of them right. at which point we will gloat and tell you how we told you so. here are our 2007-08 manchurian valuable player candidates.
Dhivy:
10. kevin durant - his team won't win enough, but he's already a player you have to gameplan for
9. jason kidd - no one impacts a game as much as he does while shooting as little
8. chris paul - the hornets will be a good story this year, and he's the face of the franchise
7. dirk nowitzki - can score from anywhere, but his leadership is still a concern
6. tim duncan - quietly the most efficient all-around player in the league
5. kobe bryant - who boos their team's best player during pre-game intros? hollyweird, indeed.
4. gilbert arenas - he has never missed a last second shot in his career. ever.
3. dwyane wade - if he ever learns to shoot threes, he's unguardable.
2. lebron james - he's basically the only option on his team and he'll still carry them to the best record in the east
1. yao ming - rick adelman's system will maximize yao's outside shot and passing
Joe:
10. Stephon Marbury - Yeah yeah, I know its a blatant homer pick, but it's only logical that when the Knicks are the best team in the league, it goes to their most important player.
9. Tracy McGrady - A shoo-in to be in contention, but his back is also a shoo-in to act up.
8. Dirk Nowitzki - The sports writers will keep his name in the running for a while, before they remember they made a HUGE mistake last year.
7. Kevin Garnett - Similar to Dirk, he is not reliable in clutch/pressure situations, but with confidence in his team he should be able to put up huge numbers.
6. Gilbert Arenas - I wasn't going to rank Gilbert this high but then I saw him make this quote before the Wiazards take on the Celtics in Boston's home opener:
So listen here. On November 2nd, we're going to go into that building, we're opening up Boston. Right now I'm telling the Boston fans: You guys are going to lose. It's not going to be a victory for Boston. You might as well just cheer for me, because Boston isn't winning in Boston for the season opener. I'm sorry.5. Carmelo Anthony - One of the most unstopable scorers in the league, and will take on a bigger leadership role.
4. Jason Kidd - Heading into the twighlight of his career with a team as good as it's going to get in the forseeable future, Kidd will continue to contribute everything
3. Tim Duncan - The model of consistency, expect 26 and 12 along with a stellar team record.
2. Lebron James - Mr. Do-everything for the team, especally with all of the contractual problems in Cleveland. If Lebron leads them to a respectable season and the playoffs, he will be completely deserving of the MVP honor.
1. Kobe Bryant - I think its a win - win with Kobe, to maxamize his levergae Kobe will go on the greatest scoring spree ever witnessed if he stays in L.A. If he is traded, to make sure, it's justified he will just dominate wherever he goes.
Quang:
10. dwyane wade - keeps getting better, also keeps getting injured.
9. dwight howard - he's currently on pace to block 164 more shots than he misses.
8. dirk nowitzki - no player is more important to his team. other than the next seven players. and some other ones i'm forgetting.
7. gilbert arenas - once he's fully healthy, the seven threes he missed in his first game will be the only ones he misses on the year.
6. amare stoudemire - i refuse to include more than one sun on my ballot and i think stoudemire is going to have a better year than nash. or at least one with more dunks.
5. tim duncan - constantly overlooked. even as you read this, i'm overlooking him.
4. kevin garnett - the big three are going to be pretty intimidating this year and since garnett's the tallest, he'll
probably have the best year. 3. carmelo anthony - all the pieces are in place for a big season. especially if those pieces keep him from hitting someone again.
2. kobe bryant - unlikely he maintains his current 45 points per game average. he'll probably finish the season in the 65 ppg range.
1. lebron james - somehow got a team with damon jones into the finals last year. hopefully this year, he'll somehow get a team with damon jones to cut damon jones.
Today's Best - 11.01.07
5. marcus stroud - at 6 foot, 6 inches and 306 pounds, marcus stroud set the record for largest man to get swept under the rug. he's about to get suspended for violating the league's steroid policy/no steroid policy, yet because he's a large, large football player this story is being largely, largely ignored. it isn't even on either of the nfl front pages of cnnsi or espn. apparently, steve mcnair starting and subsequent horrible play is more important.
4. todd jones - as joel zumaya was trying to save some of his father's things from the southern california wildfires, a heavy box fell on him and severely injured his shoulder. now zumaya's out for at least half of the 2008 season which means todd jones will likely be re-signed as the closer. it also means todd jones' plan of strategically placing heavy boxes throughout joel zumaya's dad's house worked perfectly.
3. kevin durant - in what appears to be the last home opener in seattle, kevin durant gave sonics fans their first glimpse of what he's going to blossom into elsewhere. regardless, the sonics appeared to have beaten the suns 82-79 before the suns miraculously forced a fourth quarter. the suns eventually won, but durant led all scorers with 27 points which i figure is more important than the suns leading all teams with 106 points.
2. the reid brothers - yesterday andy reid's two insane sons managed to deflect the blame for their legal troubles, which includes crashing a car while on heroin and pulling a gun on another motorist, onto their parents. according to espn, a judge "likened the coach's home to 'a drug emporium' and questioned whether his adult sons should live there." does the judge think the "drug emporium" is going to continue even after these two misfits move out? well congrats britt and garrett, your dad must be proud. or embarrassed. what do i know, i'm not a father. but if i was, my kids wouldn't be such damn misfits.
1. tracy mcgrady - with yao plagued with foul trouble and the other rockets plagued with general ineffeciveness, mcgrady scored 47 points in the rockets first game against utah since their crushing first round loss last year. after the game, yao told reporters that the game felt like it was "game 8 for us". someone needs to explain to yao how the playoffs work.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Forehand x Double Fault = Eight-Ball
it was revealed today that martina hingis' "a" urine sample from this year's wimbledon tested positive for cocaine. she subjected herself to a second test which came back negative, but her "b" sample was also found to contain cocaine. as someone who plays 'rock, paper, scissors' on a regular basis, i can tell you that best two out of three wins and martina is probably complaining that rock should beat everything. as a result, the 5-time grand slam champion has retired from professional tennis amidst scandal.
though she's walking away from the sport, hingis remains adamant that she never took drugs, "when i was
informed that the test...came back positive for a cocaine metabolite, i was shocked and appalled. i have never taken drugs." this declaration was met with a measure of skepticism, as martina said it while sporting a thick mustache and pointing at several congressmen. still, i find the idea of martina hingis taking cocaine so laughable that this has to involve a lab mishap. any number of things could have caused a false positive. maybe instead of martina's urine, they accidentally tested a big pile of cocaine. how could they ever tell the difference? or maybe she tested positive for gatorade rain, and the people passing on the information kept changing it, like little kids playing 'telephone':
person a: did you hear martina tested positive for gatorade rain?
person b: hey, martina's hopped up on gators and chains!
person c: no way, martina snorted david blaine?
person d: you mean she o.d'ed on li'l wayne?
person e: huh, look at this terrible blog, 'garbage points'. martina hingis tested positive for cocaine.
it's as simple as that. i'm going to miss martina hingis because she was one of the more outspoken tennis players around. when asked why she broke her doubles partnership with jana novotna, hingis simply stated, "because she's old and slow". in another instance, she responded to a question about her rivalry with anna kournikova by saying, "what rivary? i win all the matches." this trash talk earned her the nickname "the charles barkley of the tennis court". a nickname i gave her five minutes ago.
so long, swiss miss.
Is Auburn Cursed?
that was the question i recently posed my barber. his response was, "sir, this is a panera bread. please stop coming in here asking us weird questions and demanding hair cuts." "uh, then how do you explain the rash of injuries this year to auburn alums?", i countered. it was around this time that i was escorted out of the barbershop. but i remain convinced that something is afoot.
just this sunday, carlos rogers suffered a season-ending knee injury, joining two of his notable teammates from the undefeated 2004 auburn team on injured reserve. carnell williams' career could be in jeopardy after his knee blew out a little over a month ago and the week before last, ronnie brown tore a knee ligament trying to make a tackle after an interception. even the backup behind williams and brown from 2004, kenny irons, is out for the season after tearing his acl in the bengals' first preseason game. and the player kenny irons was drafted to help back up, rudi johnson, is also an auburn alum who has essentially missed half the season. if this were opposite day, the list would end there. unfortunately, this isn't the case.
- takeo spikes - cursed with an achilles tear in 2005 and has since struggled to regain his previous from.
- marquis daniels - cursed with being teammates with jamaal tinsley. they are going to trial in december for charges involving a bar fight they got into.
- heath evans - cursed with being a white running back who only gets on the field to pass block when the patriots are blowing out their opponent.
- pat burke - cursed with being the first irish player in the nba. also cursed with being a generally bad basketball player.
- bo jackson - cursed with a severe hip injury which turned the two-sport athlete became a zero-sport athlete.
- charles barkley - cursed with being a hall of fame power forward
who never won a championship and now is constantly pestered by dwyane wade about his phone plan. - the person brothers - cursed with never being able to prove that they weren't just the same... person.
- frank thomas - cursed with being the galaxy's best athlete. a pain no one knows.
Today's Best - 10.31.07
4. 17 major league baseball teams - free agent curt schilling posted a list of the 13 teams he would consider signing with. fans of bottom feeders can breathe easy knowing they won't be subjected to schilling's pretentious self-aggrandizement.
3. dwight howard - against milwaukee, dwight had 16-12, along with 7 blocks. even more impressive is that he sat the entire fourth quarter. when asked why he didn't allow dwight a chance for three more blocks, head coach stan van gundy said "cratchit! get back to work!"
2. salary cap mismanagement - the cavaliers reached an agreement with sasha pavlovic on a three-year deal worth a reported $4-$5 million per season. this is a hundred times more than pavlovic should be making per year, and infinite times more basketball than he should be playing per year.
1. chris paul - led the hornets to a 104-90 win over the kings in the nba's return to new orleans. paul finished with 22-12-8 and would have had a triple-double if tyson chandler wasn't so greedy.